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“I used to drive sharp things through my own penis just to see what it felt like. It was delightful, but then I ran out of iodine. I kept going, and that was a bad idea. The infections caused the left side of my dick to atrophy. Now it isnt straight anymore”
“Often, quotes not actually written or spoken by Mark Twain are attributed to him, because it lends those quotes an undeserved respect. Not this one, though. He must have said this one. I mean, look, it has his name after it and everything.”
Oscar Wilde •
Benjamin Franklin •
Winston Churchill •
The actual creation of false Mark Twain quotes involves two things: words, and a voice similar to that of old-timey movie sidekick Walter Brennan. If neither of these items are at your disposal, you can always try a bear trap and some fried sushi.
It is also wise to remember that you're dealing with the mind that actually came up with such things as, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." So you're going to have to be pretty damn funny to even come close to the real thing.
Twain on Himself
- "I'm speechless."
- "Wait, no, I'll think of something..."
- "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Nor have I let Uncyclopedia interfere with my good taste."
- "In fact, I don't even know why I even invented that High School."
- "I'm so cool, I'm talking in green."
- "I remember back in my day, we ate lead for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Otherwise Ma would hit us with the bigger spoon."
- "The newspapers say that I am an egotist. Having been a newspaperman in the past, I'm reminded that one man's news is another man's lies."
- "During my recent European excursion, I spoke to a man named Freud who was convinced that all of man's thoughts and actions are based on sex. He's obviously never met Mrs. Twain."
Twain on the Truth
- "The truth is precious. Many politicians refrain from using the truth, because that would cause a tax increase."
- "Truth is like butter. Pass the salt?"
- "The reports of your death are going to be completely accurate."
- "Statement A: Statement B is true. Statement B: Statement A is false."
- "Sixty percent of lies are damned."
- "The Nile ain't just a river in Egypt. Oh, wait, it is? Then what the heck makes this statement so clever?"
- "Truth tellin' is a whole lot like whittlin' a big ol' hunk o' beech. It just is!"
- "Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story, unless you can't think of anything better."
Twain on Humanity
- "I want no part of it!"
- "When angry, count to ten. When very angry, deck the guy next to you and then yell at him 'til you get arrested."
- "You can either give a man bread, or give him a job to honestly earn his bread. Personally, I like to make 'em dance for it."
- "Man's greatest invention is the cigar. There's no better way to annoy people you can't even see."
- "I can't believe that guy ate the last candy bar."
- "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it... Until now!"
Twain on Famous People
- "Bill Gates is so much like Winston Churchill, he makes Kaiser Wilhelm look like Oscar Wilde."
- "I never let religion spoil my view of a good sunset."
- "The remarkable thing about Stevie Wonder is that he has overcome his blindness to bring about the end of the horror we call line-printing."
- "When I met with Queen Elizabeth, I told her we Americans appreciated no longer being under British rule. She told me I smelled like a hamper."
- "I'm not related by blood to Shania Twain, because my last name is actually Clemens."
- "See, I can make up Oscar Wilde quotes too!"
Twain on Being
- "Imagine you're haustorial. Now imagine you're phthlein. Did I just repeat myself? I don't know."
Twain on Scarfing
- "Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia."
- "I don't write for the Pope, and he doesn't write for me."
- "I've met many women who could show a man a good time for a few dollars. If you've got that kind of money to throw away, get married."
Twain on the Differences Between Black People and White People
- "A healthy Negro will cost you real money, but a white man can be bought by a politician for a few promises."
- "I would have more friends of the Negro race, but they're not my core demographic."
- "France has usually been governed by Black people."
- "I have no race prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to know is that a man is a human being, and that is enough for me; he can't be any worse. Well, unless he's a jew, of course."