Unquotable:Keanu Reeves

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“If this bus goes under 50 miles-an-hour, it will explode. This is potentially very bad for us.”
~ Keanu Reeves on buses, and their tendency to be rigged to explode
“The red pills fuck you up real good.”
~ Keanu Reeves on the red pills
“All the dreams I dream are nightmares and those nightmares are the ones I live.”
~ Keanu Reeves on the Matrix

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Keanu

HARDCORE!!!


Keanu Reeves has starred in several motion pictures, including The Matrix, Speed, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, and The Matrix 2: Return to Matrix Island. (Rumors that he has signed a deal to appear in the upcoming Bill and Ted's Heinous Divorce Settlement could not be substantiated at the time of this writing.)[1] Reeves has been quoted saying many memorable and ingenious things — quotes that brilliantly display the high level of ingenuity Keanu Reeves possesses, quotes that show just how wise and knowledgeable Reeves is, and quotes that are so deep and multi-layered that they appear to make no sense whatsoever.[2] Unfortunately, due to his amazing level of intelligence, many people have taken to making up false Keanu Reeves quotes, in effect portraying him in a less than complimentary manner. For shame!

This practice has been going on for several years, and it has given Mr. Reeves the reputation that he is a dim-witted, wooden actor, with little or no discernible talent. What follows includes a little of both, annotated so that your simple minds can come slightly closer to comprehending Keanu's vast wisdom.

Keanu on The Mysteries of Life

  • "Huh?"
  • "Who are you?"
  • "Why am I here?"[3]
  • "Whoah..."[4]
  • "All we are is dust in the wind, dude."[5]
  • "Who is Mickey Mouse, anyway? Nobody knows who's inside the suit. It could even be me..."

Keanu on The Matrix

  • "I should have taken the blue pill. I heard from Trinity that it was raspberry flavored."[6]
  • "Remember that kid who could bend the spoon? Well, I found out later he staged the whole thing. Kinda ticked me off."[7]
  • "The Matrix is like a bowl of cereal. I'm like the milk."[8]
  • "I don't like the feeling that I'm not in control of my life. I could be getting raped, right now, and wouldn't even know it."
  • "The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way. That's what I heard, anyway. Never tried it myself."
  • "One of the best things about films is the way you're taken on a kind of journey, emotionally and psychologically, not only through the movie's world but also through your own. In fact, before you start taking drugs, go through your life, and experience yourself. Then you can get loaded."[9]
  • "I know kung fu. On a related note, I also know ju-jitsu, sumo, quasi-sumo, tai-kwan-do, drunken boxing, wrestling, mud wrestling, and naked mud wrestling."

Keanu on The Existential Crisis

  • "Keeping a straight face while talking to the robotic dolphin was pretty much the end of line for me. Now I pretty much just take solace in pottage." [10]
  • "I'm sorry my existence is not very noble, sublime, or even beneficial."[11]
  • "Here comes 40. I'm feeling my age, and I've ordered the Ferrari. I'm going to get the whole mid-life crisis package - you have to order that special with the newer Testarossa models, but I think it comes standard on the Modena Spider."[12]
  • "I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy."[13]

Keanu on Music

Keanubeard

Please enlighten us!

Keanu on People Thinking He's Gay

  • "For a while people were saying that David Geffen and I had gotten married. That just blew me away. Not because they thought I was gay, but that they thought I could land a guy that hot."
  • "It's always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. Men don't have that - they just have really smelly underwear, or at least that's what I've found. Anyway, if you can make a woman laugh, you're probably seeing the most beautiful thing on God's Earth. I'm guessing it is, anyway. It's something I've always wanted to see."[14]

Keanu on Death

  • "I used to have nightmares that they would put He played Ted on my tombstone, but I managed to cure that by having my tombstone made in advance, just in case. Not having nightmares is awesome. What was even cooler, I put He played Bill on it, just to screw with peoples' heads."[15]
  • "What would happen if you melted? You know, you never really hear this talked about much, but spontaneous combustion - it exists. People burn from within. Sometimes they'll be in one of those movie theaters with stadium seating, and the seat won't burn, but there'll be nothing left of the person. Except sometimes his tub of popcorn. No one speaks about this, but I guess as long as the popcorn survives, no one really minds."[16]

Keanu on Medieval Torture Devices

Keanu on Acting

  • "Being a famous actor can be very surreal. It's easy to become very self-critical when you're an actor, and then you get critiqued by the critics, too. Sometimes the critics organize protest marches and boycotts against you, too - that really sucks. Occasionally they'll try to have you arrested for 'crimes against humanity' and things like that, and that sucks even worse. Every once in a while they'll form huge international consortia to build spacecraft capable of reaching other planets, just so they can get as far away from you as possible, but that hasn't happened to me for a couple of years now. The last time it happened, though, it kind of sucked."[17]
  • "When I don't feel free and can't do what I want, I just react. I become a reactor. It's like being a regular actor, only it has two extra letters."[18]

Keanu on River Phoenix

Strangethingsareafootatthecirclek

"Woah."
~Keanu Reeves

  • "You can't blame Hollywood for what happened to River Phoenix. You might blame Phoenix, Arizona, because that city had the same name and there's all that dry heat, but even that's pushing it. The fact is, kids are doing drugs everywhere in the world. He had his own very personal problems that I will never discuss with the press, but since this is Uncyclopedia I can tell you that he was very unhappy about not being asked to testify before the Congressional Subcommitee on Corruption in the Aromatic Candle-Making Industry, and he never really got over it."[19]

Conclusion

So, there it is. You, dear reader, have now been exposed to some of Keanu's wisest wit and wittiest wisdom, his most charming charm and most philosophical philosophizing. While it is to be expected that one, or two, or all of the quotes may be above the average reader's levels of comprehension, please, don't allow yourself to be discouraged. Most people simply aren't as deep as Keanu. Instead, reader, try this: lean back in your chair for just one moment and think. Really consider all that you've read. Ponder. Mull. Then, watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you're like me, I'll bet that took you just one step closer to almost scratching the surface of Keanu's vast oceans of wisdom. And really, isn't that all anyone can ask for?

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Notes

  1. Seriously, stop asking about it!
  2. Woah.
  3. This quote, like those that precede it and many that follow, demonstrates Keanu's existentialist leanings. Always questioning, Keanu seeks the answers to the greatest of all questions: "Why are we here?" "Is there a reason for our existence?" "What does it all mean?" "Where is that darn TV remote!?" "Are those real?
  4. With his ever-analytical mind, Keanu is always questioning. This quote demonstrates his overpowering urge to seek the reasons for all of life's great truths.
  5. This quote, shows Keanu's existentialist feelings. As he remarks to his silent companion, he considers all of humanity as naught but "dust in the wind, dude."
  6. Here, Keanu reflects on the nature of the past, and choice in general. His regrets are symbolic of all of our own; who doesn't want to go back in time to change at least one decision they made at one point? It is symbolic of Keanu's personal philosophy to always try to take the "road not taken." His failure to do so is what causes his regret.
  7. This quote reflects on reality itself, and the nature of knowing. Who among us can truly tell what is real and what is illusion? For all we know, our entire life could be nothing more than a dream, or, in this case, a staged spoon-bending.
  8. In addition to solipsist philosophy, Keanu also loves cereal. His favorite is Cap'n Crunch, but he holds a special place in his heart for Reeses Puffs Cereal as well. As he puts it, "They have the best commercials."
  9. Here Keanu discusses his personal feelings about philosophy as a whole. He feels that it should be an internal journey, a lifelong quest for knowledge, culminating in dropping acid and watching a movie.
  10. Here, Keanu existentially mulls the exact moment he could no longer justify his validity to the real world, while we are left to wonder: What is real?
  11. More existentialism from Keanu. Here, he laments his own purposelessness, and cries out for a sense of meaning.
  12. Here, Keanu laments the tragic process of aging. His simple rhetoric about mid-life crises and Ferraris seems to say that aging, the fight against time, is the last battle a man must fight, no matter how many Italian sports cars he buys.
  13. In this quote Keanu uses himself as a placeholder onto which all philosophers like him can project themselves, from their deepest fears to their highest hopes. And, in this case, their therapeutic requirements.
  14. In both of these quotes, Keanu uses his own experiences to tell a sort of coming-of-age tale, using his controversial sexuality as a metaphor for his controversial acting. Err, philosophy. He tells the story of a confused young man, wandering around in an ever-widening world, looking for answers to life's questions, from "what's up?" to "what's the dilly-o, yo?" to "Please someone teach me how to act, please!"
  15. With these words, Keanu reflects on his own mortality. The quote is somewhat existentialist in that it realizes that the only thing left after death is a body, and sometimes a poorly-written tombstone.
  16. Here, Keanu gives us a brief glimpse into the philosophies by which he lives his life. He lives for the moment, because the future is always uncertain; tomorrow we could have the starring role in two of the most disappointing sequels ever, or we could be spontaneously combusting in a movie theater. As we know, it happens.
  17. This quote gives the reader a fleeting glimpse into the window of Keanu's tortured acting soul. He suffers for his craft, to the point that he is all but emotionally broken by how much it "kind of sucks."
  18. With this quote, Keanu shows us yet another side of his complex personality; specifically, the one that reacts to things.
  19. In this final quote, Keanu reflects on the futility of blame, as well as the power of the scented candle industry, which Keanu is widely known[citation needed] for his protracted legal battles against.
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