Unquotable:God

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“You blasphemous little bastards! How dare you mock My words? I'm gonna smite you and this "Family Guy" you keep yammering on about soooooo bad...”
~ God on mocking His Holy Word

Thoushaltnot

Because He says so. Here's something better.

People

Oscar WildeBenjamin FranklinWinston ChurchillAlbert Einstein
Christopher WalkenSun-Tzu
Founding FathersMark Twain
Noel CowardArthur C. Clarke
William ShatnerYoda
Thomas Jefferson AristotleCharles Darwin
VoltaireJohn F. Kennedy
Keanu ReevesCaptain ObliviousNietzscheC-3PO

Deities

GodJesus ChristCthulhuSatan

See Also

HamletLast Words
MnemonicsHELPNew User Guide
ManualQuoting Policy

Godlego

"I work in mysterious ways, Bitch."

Tbible

"Nice binding."

Wrongsection

"God shall smite these heathens down"

Quoting God (falsely) is the official sport of Hell, along with American Football. Teams (i.e., "churches") compete in leagues ("denominations") to see who can produce the most authoritative-sounding God quotes. At the end of each match, God smiteth them and casteth their eternally-damn-ed souls into Detroit (though Baghdad is becoming an increasingly popular destination). Fortunately, though, this means that team rosters are always wide open! Anyone can play!

God's Most Quotable Quotes

Many of God's most quotable quotes begin with the phrase "Thou shalt not." (Many of His least quotable quotes, on the other hand, begin with the phrase "All aboard for Sodom!")

God on What Thou Shalt Not Do

  • "Thou shalt not have other gods before me. Unless it is Chuck Norris. Then I'm screwed."
  • "Thou shalt not make up God quotes. No, seriously. Don't even muthafuckin' think about it... bitch."
  • "Thou shalt not deign to fathom what I, thy God, shalt desire thee not to do."
  • "Thou shalt not fill thyn puny brain with cr*p. I command thee to close thy browser window now!"
  • "Thou shalt not speak in pseudo-Old-English. It jez'ain't teh kewl, d00d."
  • "Thou shalt not pwn n00bz, thats my job."
  • "Thou shalt not dipp one of thyn balls in vinegar, and the other in peanut butter, and make thyn dog choose from among them."
  • "7hou 5ha1t n0t 5peak in 1337. 5eri0us1y. It's 4 10-year 01d5."
  • "Thou shalt not say you should not, for it is an abonimation unto the Lord."
  • "Thou shalt not make cross-weapon thingies unless they're used to harm people."
  • "Thou shalt not use thy holy spell chekcer."
  • "Thou shalt not use thy unholy trialware-edition spell checker, either."
  • "Thou shalt not." (from the revised 10 commandments, now reduced to one)
  • "Thou shalt not make more than 10 commandments!"
  • "Thou shalt not call Greg Fisherman humorous fish related names"
  • "Thou shalt not be here. Thou shalt fuck off."
  • "Thou shalt not step on live coals unless thou art a/an Indian/masochist/complete dumbass."
  • "Thou Thou shalt shalt not not repeat repeat words words."
  • "Thou shalt not remind small children of the meaning of the word illurafigiac"
  • "And if thee loveth jesus thee must kill a kitten"
  • "Thou shalt treat phil sinclair-jones as much better god than me and shower him with hot chicks.....oh yeah"
  • "Thou shalt never enter 4chan, or Icock shalt go and beat thyn fucking crap out of thee, then post it on /r/"
  • "Thou shalt not dippeth one of thy balls in vinegar and the other in peanut butter and make thyn dog choose from amongst them."
  • "Thou shalt not use my goddamn name in vein."
  • Thou shalt not destroy thyn earth
  • REVISION: Thou shall not destroy thyn earth until at least 2050
  • "Thou shalt not read the Bible...Seriously, who the fuck wrote that shit?"

God on More of What Thou Shalt Not Do

  • "Thou shalt not fry chicken whilst not wearing any pants or underwear."
  • "Thou shalt not punish the wicked. I shalt. But thou shaltn't."
  • "Thou shalt not bastardise the English language, for it is the one true tongue."
  • "Thou shalt not, through trouble and toil, though thy hand be swift, and head, strong, be unfaithful and cowardly, nor take from another, unless that person is some sort of jerk."
  • "Thow shalt not untentionally misspel words worsed than iz cald four."
  • "Thou shalt not fornicate with the same sex unless thou hast fornicated with at least two of the opposite sex within the previous 24 hours."
  • "Thou shalt be thine own father."
  • "Thou shalt not ask for 'A bad court thingy' or I shall smite thee!"
  • "Thou shalt not shag rubber chickens if they do not wish it. In fact, Thou shalt not shag rubber chickens. FULL STOP."
  • "Thou shalt make war not love unless thou art George W Bush or unless thou makes love to Heidi Klum."
  • "Thou shalt not quote famous t-shirt phrases from the 70s."

God on Excessive Amounts of What Thou Shalt Not Do

  • "Thou shalt not go on Uncyclopedia and look at Jessica Simpson porn imagery."
  • "Thou shalt not call Henry Poxon "Pocoyo," unless your name is Duncan Arnald."
  • "Thou shalt not use the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to blast thine enemies into tiny pieces for it is forbidden. Use only as directed. See your doctor to determine if the Holy Hand Grenade is right for you. Side effects may include abdominal explosions, discomfort, blockage, gas, constipation, diarrhea, all kinds of bleeding, dizziness, fluid retention, swelling, headache, heartburn, indigestion, itching, loss of appetite, moving at speeds in excess of 88 MPH, nausea, nervousness, rash, ringing in ears, stomach pain, ex-wives, vomiting, anemia, black stool, red urine, blurred vision, ninjas that happen to be turtles, changes in heartbeat, knowledge of l33t, chills, confusion, congestive heart failure, depression, dry mouth, rolling a natural 20, emotional volatility, fever, AIDS, evil clowns, death, hair loss, hearing loss, hepatitis, high or low blood pressure, sex changes, hives, blackouts, inflammation of nose, cool explosions, inflammation of the pancreas or stomach, kidney or liver failure, severe allergic reactions, power levels of OVER NINE TH9000USSAAAND, shortness of breath, skin eruptions or peeling, (did we mention all kinds of bleeding?), sleepiness, ulcers, yellow eyes and skin, and natural male enhancement. However, most patients were not bothered enough to discontinue use. Holy Hand Grenade: The alternative way to generating 1.21 jiggowatts... bitch.""
  • "Thou shalt not add 'bitch' to the end of one of my quotes whenst thou art quoting me. No, seriously. Don't even muthafuckin' think about it... bitch."
  • "Thou shalt not... eat... muffins... on the given day of the week that starts with X."
  • "Thou shalt not wear the big hair, for this is an abomination unto me."
  • "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass unless thou givest him a reacharound. I'LL BE WATCHIN' YOU!!"
  • "Thou shalt not get thee glory against Richard Dawkins in my name. He's MINE!!!"
  • "Thou shalt not feed thy mugwa after midnight."
  • "Thou shalt not let the bedbugs bite."
  • "Thou shalt watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. June 26, 2009."
  • "Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper like it's been there a long while. For in the day thou doest, thou shalt surely die! YOU HEAR ME TALKIN', VICTOR BEAMAN!?!?"
  • "That's...that's about it."
  • "thou Shalt suck my cock"
  • "Thou shalt get off this site and go get laid you queers"
  • "Thou shalt stfu"
  • "tho shlt nt spek in sms"
  • "Thou shalt suck thy Holy Cock until the Holy Ghost emerges"
  • "Thou shalt not make quotes beginning with 'Thou Shalt' or I shalt smite you...Bitch"
  • "Thou shalt not quote me unless thou can spell better than a fourth grade retard." (See three quotes up)
  • "Thou shalt not worship another god...Especially my douche bag brother Zeus. Seriously. He's a dick."

God on People

  • "I remember I delivered the Israelites unto the Canaanites, and then I delivered them unto the Midianites, and after that, I think I overnighted them unto the Romans, but I sort of lost them at that point. They didn't have online tracking systems back then. But then the Romans never signed for them, and now everybody's saying I'm responsible. This is so uncool."
  • "The thing that's so frustrating about people is the way they just don't follow the rules. It's like they don't understand them or something. Seriously, what part of 'thou shalt not' do you people not get? It's all there in the stupid book, why not just read it? Just don't forget to read it in the original Hebrew; the translated versions are all completely wrong. ('King James-only' My unknowable Ass.)"
  • "People can just bite me. Except for the Catholics - they can actually eat me."
  • "In a few weeks, I'll be releasing Mankind 2.0, which will have more features, better security, and a robust API for application integration. Then maybe you people can finally start working together properly."
  • "Of course, in the meantime, you know, maybe you could all just stop being such asswipes for, like, five minutes."
  • "I shall smite them with a plague and their eyes shall consume away in their sockets. And I shall bring upon them a madness, a black blain, and a drooling; and they shall mourn like doves and bellow like hippopotomi in their sorrow. I shall cause their livestock to fail: their camels shall not hump, their asses shall not flourish, and their coneys shall not watch television. I shall bring an enema - enemy, sorry - against them and he shall carry them away in an iron trunk and sell them to the Hittites. Thus in My benevolence shall I bless My children."
  • "I am a concept by which John Lennon measures his pain."
  • "Well, it was an accident, which I now deeply regret."
  • I kill bitches
  • "I've just stopped trying..."

God on Heaven

  • "It's really not that great. Sorta like Disneyland in the early 70's, when they kinda left it behind to work on the one in Florida. It's just that Hell is that bad in comparison."
  • "The view from up here is amazing! I swear, I can see the White House,The Empire State Building, the Kremlin ,The Sphinx, The Taj Mahal,The Tower of London, The Parthenon, and the Eiffel Tower from here! Incredible!"
  • "Heaven can be described in two words: everybody gets his own slurpy machine."
  • "You know the saying 'more bandwidth than god'? Wrong! Seriously, my heavenly hosts can download the revised edition of the Bible in less than a second!"
  • "There isn't much night-life though. But well, there's always something going on over at Satan's and he like, lives next door, so its all pretty cool. The dudes alright man. I wonder why you guys treat him like an alien. I mean, duh!!"
  • "I'm tazing you, bro!"

God on Hell

  • Hell?? You actually THINK that place exists?! Man, I've heard of Gullible but this is worse than Britain!
  • "It's really not that bad. I mean, Holy Crap, when you get to hang out with Bertrand Russell, Gandhi, Carl Sagan, and Clarence Darrow, it has to be pretty cool, right?"
  • "Man, you all are really dying to get to Heaven?? Tell you what: I am dying to get to Hell, considering Satan just installed an air-conditioning system down there along with those hot bitches. You understand, bro? I mean HOT BITCHES! I am soooooo there."
  • "I damn it!"
  • "They serve better dinner here."cock c
  • "Everyone loves BBQs right? Why else you would you all be sinning down there?"
  • "I made everything in equals. Exept your left ball from the other one"
  • "You know what? FINE! Just go there."
  • "I've actually got my own little personal hell for you really evil fuckers. I keep it outback in my Hemp fields. You lookin?"

God on Enemas

  • "I've been told coffee enemas are nice, but frankly, I don't see why people bother. The crap's just going to fill right back up, isn't it?"
  • "I wonder if you can order those online?"
  • "These things are a good example of why omniscience isn't quite what it's cracked up to be."
  • "Ask your mother."

God on Enemies

  • "Lo, I shall smite thy enemies for thee, and they shall be driven before My righteous wrath as Sodomites driven before the torrent of flame. Of course, this assumes you've paid up front."
  • "Thou shallt love thine enemies. Thou shallt do good to those who harm thee. Thou shallt leave me to do the smiting."
  • "That whole 'Get Thee Behind Me, Satan' thing was just a figure of speech, okay? Stop being so literal all the time."
  • "With worshipers like you, who needs hecock retics?"
  • "I decree that on Tuesdays only, Enemies of the Faith get a free dessert at Chuck E. Cheese with purchase of two meals of greater or equal value. (No coupons.)"
  • "I can remember this one guy — a real asswipe, he was. I mean, he's the kind of guy that plays his thumping-bass music at like, 4 in the morning, right? Lemme tell ya', the walls in the Mighty Kingdom Of Heaven aren't as thick as you'd think. That sound travels. I've got the best damn room in the whole joint, and I can hear his shit from 2 blocks away. So anyway, me and Zeus finally had enough of this shit, so we went around and politely asked him if he could stop being such a fucking douchebag for like, 2 weeks, at least. He slammed the door on us. So I turns to Zeus and I says to him, I says, 'Remember when us Gods were respected?' and he says back, 'Yeah... I wonder what we lost...? Wait, I know! It's the wrath!' And then it all became clear to me; I'd just been too damn lenient recently. So I wrote that guy a pretty harsh letter, and I think me and Thor egged his house one night. And he hasn't played his music quite so loud recently. One up for the Almighty, eh?"
  • "Two weeks ago I was like, talking to some buddies on IRC, right? Well, I get a private message. Some dude asking me whether I wanted some free porn and I was like, hell yeah, dude. So I clicked it... fuckin' rickroll'd me... can you believe that? I just KNOW it was the guy with that loud-ass music again! I won't invite him to my birthday party, that's for sure! Reap what you sow, bitch."
  • "The Bible says I don't have enemies. Apparently I'm all-loving and all-forgiving. I swear, Mark, John, and Matthew really needed hearing aids."

God on Faith

  • "While I certainly believe in Myself, I find it disconcerting that whenever I ask Myself something, I get an answer from someone named 'Larry.'"
  • "Faith is a funny thing sometimes. Ha ha! That's pretty funny."
  • "People keep talking about this so-called 'Leap' of Faith. There's no actual leaping involved; it's not like paraplegics are somehow being left out here. I don't know where they get these weird frickin' ideas, to be honest."
  • "Faith is way hotter than Buffy."
  • "Oooh... I love her latest single! What? Not that Faith?"
  • "Oh, so now you come and ask me about faith, eh? What, George Michael isn't good enough for you any more?"
  • "Faith? Ask John Locke. He gets the lines better."
  • No! I just refuse to prove I exist! But seriously, I do. Take it on faith.

God on the Bible

  • "Im only half way through, don't tell me what happens and spoil the ending"
  • "Well, at least it makes a good paperweight."
  • "Still number one! Take that Shakespeare!"
  • "I don't read the Bible anymore. I have started a blog of myself."
  • "The biggest surprise for people going to Heaven is that the Bible is, in fact, a banned book there — because it's just a shameless unauthorized biography of me!"
  • "I remember the ending being funnier the first time I read it."
  • "That Mel Gibson still owes me a of royalties."
  • "Where are all the other books of the bible My people wrote?"
  • "Damn, Jesus completely screwed it up! Again!"
  • "Hey! Will you people quit reading my diary?!?!"
  • "WHAT! NO PICTURES?"
  • "The movie was better..."
  • "O'Reilly gets to hawk his book on Oprah, and I still haven't made the book club?"
  • "Jesus Christ, I'm allowed to blasphemey. I'm God! Me, Zeus, Odin, and Baphomet all thought it would be funny to make everyone think it was real, but it got a little out of control there I guess."
  • "It's not something I'm too happy about. It didn't turn out just how i'd planned it, it was almost as if the characters started thinking for themselves and lived on a planet in my head. They even think they invented the internet!"

God on Other Gods

  • "Other Gods? What other Gods? Hey Zoos? That's my son, you frickin' idiots."
  • "My mom (you didn't think I had one, did you?) once told me I was an "introvert." Yeah, I was very shy, and I didn't normally play with other Gods when I was young, before I created Heaven and Earth and all that stuff. Remember that guy, Zeus? He was such a big bully, no one dared to compete with him for class monitor back in grade school. But later on, when Me and Allah and Buddha got stronger, and we fought back — and We hit him so bad, he went crying off to Mount Olympus and nobody's heard of him since. PWNED!"
  • "The white is mine! You take the yellow!" (God to Buddha)
  • "Cthulhu? Oh yeah, I remember him. What an asshole. Popular with the ladies, though. It must be the tentacle beard."
  • "Hmmm, an IM from Satan with a link... better check the hyperlink URL first. Goatse? Meh, might as well just check it out... Ehhh... 'kay... Oh, dear fucking me! That prick is totally gonna get it now!"
  • "In Soviet Russia, other Gods shalt not worship 'THEE!!"
  • "I wish I were BUHHDA. That way nobody would ever spell my name correctly."
  • "Chuck Norris... I'm just not going to go there."

God on Zealotry

  • "Zealots have their uses. For one thing, they make the non-zealots look less like total assholes. They also pay better."
  • "I'm not into human sacrifices, people killing in My name, or dealing with dorkwads who think their version of What I Am is the only correct one and for some reason have to impose their version on everyone else. At least not since the 20th Century."
  • "As far as I'm concerned, there's really no difference between someone who blows himself up in a crowded cafe and someone who blows himself up in an online chat session. I just wish I didn't have to hear a lot of whining from the second guy, later that same night."
  • "Get Firefox!"

God on Politics

  • "Lots of lies in politics? Who cares? Even my kid Jesus hasn't returned to Earth for, like, two thousand years, and nobody ever complained."
  • "Thou shalt separate thy Church and thy State, for this is good. In fact, I'd like to see the separation of Church and Moron, too."
  • "Look, I'm all for people electing leaders who believe in Me and all that I represent. I'm also for people electing leaders who aren't complete idiots, but since they can't manage that either, I try not to worry about it."
  • "Recently, I decided to change My 'closed-door policy' for people who voted for George W. Bush. As it turned out, most of them actually wanted to go to Hell, so they could get back together with their friends, family members, and business associates."
  • "So if liberals are the ones with no ideas, and conservatives are the ones with bad ideas, then who's left? Moderates? Try to be serious here."
  • "Thanks to Johnny Howard's new IR laws, I lost my job. And I can't file an appeal for unfair dismissal, because I hired less than 100 people. Man, this sucks."
  • "Now who's the bitch that was fucking up big time in Iraq in my name? I've got a reeeaaal special place for him in my doghouse..."
  • "Well, if it can work up here, it bloody well can with you freakin' assholes!!"
  • "Plain Bullshit!"

God on Poverty

Questioner ‘‘:How long is a million years to you, God?
God ‘‘: To me a million years is like a second.
Questioner ‘‘:What is a million dollars to you, God?
God ‘‘: To me a million dollars is like a penny.
Questioner ‘‘:Can you give a few of your pennies to organisations that help poor people so we can eliminate poverty?
God ‘‘: I’ll do that. Just wait a second.

God on Atheism

  • "I don't believe in Atheists!"
  • "Interesting. So when you die, nothing happens? You just decompose and that's it? I'll bet whoever came up with that one is just rolling in cash."
  • "I was an atheist for a while. No, seriously, quit laughing! It was while that show 'Mork and Mindy' was on. I figured if something like that could exist, then I probably shouldn't."
  • "What can I say? I was kind of emo for a while, damn Nietchze."
  • "People seem to think atheism is this huge problem that has to be dealt with before anything else gets dealt with. It's actually around Number 79 on My list, just below Ending the Scourge of Chronic Sinus Infection."
  • "The truth is, I removed all my evidence of creating this world so that the smarter guys wouldn't believe in me. And what were the consequences? My Heaven only welcomes smart people. Those people will believe in me when they meet me in person! That's what I gave them the brains for, see? The last thing I need is a bunch of loony fanatics wandering around up there, getting their nose hairs all over the furniture."
  • "People sometimes say, 'Well, if there's a God, then why does he let bad things happen in the world?' Folks, I'm busy. I've got committees to chair, luncheons to plan; you don't think I'm the only schmuck running one of these 'planet' things, do you? If you've got problems with the way things are running down there, write your Congressman, for God's sake. Hm? Oh, did I do it again? HA!"
  • "All these different sects, cults, denominations, quasi-denominations, schisms, independent churches, internal church movements... All this confusion is actually good, because it distracts all the atheists from the real truth, which is that I don't know what the hell I'm doing."
  • "I know when you are sleeping, I know when you're awake. I know if you've been bad or good... crap, there I go, confusing myself with Santa Claus again! Seriously, though, I do know."
  • "They're right, actually. We know God can't exist, because it says so in Richard Dawkin's books."
  • "I am an Atheist myself... I don't believe in other gods."
  • "Atheists who are dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog. That must be a bummer."
  • "If there's no God, then who the f*ck invented the female form, eh? You can't trust evolution to create nice tits, it just doesn't work that way."
  • "If anyone wants proof that I exist, they need look no further than the utter complexity of something as simple as the AIDS virus. Or for that matter, the utter simplicity of something as complex as the person who made up this quote."

God on Theocracy

  • "Ha! That's the stupidest idea yet. None of my children will fall for that crap."
  • "I spoke to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei about it, and he assured me everything was under control."
  • "I also spoke to Pat Robertson about it, and he assured me every Republican -- uh, everything -- was under control too."
  • "In fact, just now I spoke to Coach Gibbs about it, and he assured me the Redskins had everything well in hand."

God on Love

  • "I love thee, Jesus loves thee, and your mom loves thee. That's about it, though. And to be honest, I'm not all that sure about your mom."
  • "If love really means never having to say you're sorry, then I guess you people have a lot of apologizing to do."
  • "Love is not blind. That's why you can't get any! Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?"
  • "Oooh, yucky."
  • "Make love not pray"

God on Slashdot

Terrorist hazing

"Thou shalt not slashdot, lest thou feeleth My wrath."And believe me, this guy's about to get a hole load of wrath (no, that wasn't a typo, now shudder damn you!)

  • "Listen unto Me, for I am +500 Insightful, unworthy sinners."
  • "Many have asked, can I build a website so powerful that not even I could slashdot it? Needless to say, I smote them for their insolence."

God on Your Mom

  • "Mmmmmm, even better than Uma Thurman!"
  • "I shouldn't tell you this, but your mother prays to me every night that you'll stop wasting such inordinate amounts of time on what she calls 'that nonsense website.' Just fair warning."

God on Homosexuality

  • "It's only gay if your balls touch."
  • "So you're saying that people of the same gender have sex with each other? How does that work? Come to think of it, don't even bother telling me."
  • "People keep saying God hates gay people. That's not true; I love everybody. Just not in that way."
  • "Y'know, I was watching some professional wrestling the other day, and I found it deeply disturbing on quite a number of levels."
  • "I've said it before and I'll say it again: It's 144,000 Hebrew men who haven't had sex with women. Those are the ones who get saved! No exceptions!"
  • "Let me just say this: The church wouldn't be so ridiculously anti-lesbian if they had the ability to see through walls like I do."
  • "Look, I created EVERYTHING, ok? What part of that don't you understand? Just 'cos some guy prefers some other guy's poop chute to your fish-hole doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. I invented that. Mostly for a joke, although the lesbians are pretty hot. Anyway, stop killing each other over it, Jesus... No, not you son — s
  • "they should be called gender benders....wait a minute"
  • "they should be feared like the dark...........FEAR THE QUEER."
  • "To be honest, I'd disagree with it, but it really turns me on."

God on Sex

  • "ask your mother, son"
  • "I actually get really ticked off about pre-marital sex. I have to hear all these confessions, and like ninety percent of them are 'I had sex with so-and-so,' or 'I got into a three-way with this person and this other person.' Snoozers! I mean, get over yourselves, people. I mean, Joseph never felt guilty about the threesomes, so why should you?"
  • "I should tape some of the shit you people get up to and sell it in Japan."
  • "I'm sure it's a lot of fun and all, but what's the point? Pleasure? Happiness? Distracting yourself from the misery, pain, and suffering that's all around you? Why not just take drugs? They're cheaper, easier to get, and they don't mess with your head quite as much."
  • "Why do you think I disguise myself as Brad Pitt in Hell?"
  • "Well let me just say one thing, the virgin Mary wasn't a virgin for very long after she came up here."
  • "Well there was one time at band camp..."

God on Masturbation

Churchsign

"That's another way to contact Me."

  • "People seem to think I'm not serious about this masturbation issue. Hey, I killed Onan, and all he did was pull out."
  • "You know those 'myths' they keep telling you about? The ones about going bald and losing your eyesight? You thought they were completely bogus, right? Well, I put them into effect last week."
  • "I don't see what it is that makes masturbation so popular. I mean, if you're a man, why not just find a nice woman and have sex with her? What's so hard about that?"
  • "See those kittens? I'd hate to have to kill them just because you had to keep your hands to yourself."
  • "People ask unto Me: 'Why didn't You just make our arms shorter if You didn't intend for us to masturbate?' And I say unto them: I made you in Mine own image, and the rules don't apply in My case."
  • "People think I'm against masturbation. That's ridiculous! I masturbate myself! What the hell do you think snow is? You never guessed that did you?"
  • "Shit on my dick and piss in my asshole!"
  • "You didn't hear this from me, but instead of spreading hate, why don't you masturbate? It'll get you in less trouble, unless your pious Grandpa walks in on you. Then don't mention my name. I don't want my fingerprints on THAT trainwreck."
  • "Yuk! Do you really have to do that. You know, I can see everything."

God on Eternity

  • "Zzzz."
  • "Ehh, this might take a while."
  • "Shit, this is boring."
  • "So wait... I'm still confused. Which came first: Me, or eternity?"
  • "So while we're all waiting, let's get back to this masturbation issue."
  • "I mean, I AM ETERNITY!!! PH34R M3333!!!!"
  • "Windows Vista is still loading."
  • "Kill Me."
  • "I got 'ID'ed to buy beer last week, ha, that silly bitch!"

God on Death

  • "You know how Al Gore invented the internet? Hey, he invented death, too! So just blame him, seeing as how you seem to blame him for everything else, you ungrateful bastards."
  • "There used to be people who would say 'God is dead,' as if that somehow made it okay to go around being a bunch of hypocritical, dishonest, corrupt, incompetent, violent assholes. I'm glad those people are long gone... What's that you say? Oh."
  • "Why would anyone be afraid of death? Just because there's a really good chance you're going to end up in everlasting fiery pain and torment afterwards? Just be glad you're not immortal. Now that really sucks."
  • "What a guy! Really good at dieting, too."
  • Chuck Schuldiner is overrated...cause he created death metal...so fucking what?i created sliced bread!!!

God on Family

  • "What's wrong with family values? I remember that guy Jephthah, from Gilead, now he had the right attitude. Long time ago, though... Still, why can't there be more people like him?"
  • "I don't see what's so complicated about this. If you've got kids, then don't be an asshole. It stands to reason that if you're an asshole, then don't have kids."
  • "The funny thing is that Abraham really hated that kid."
  • "I remember this one couple had like, 18 kids or something. They had to shop at Wal-Mart just to save enough money to survive, so ta-da, they're off to Hell anyway! Fat lot of good those 18 kids did you."
  • "Wait... Adam and Eve were the only two humans... so that means that to create the human race their children must have... like, with each other or with their parents... I.... EWWWWWW! Inbreeding! Well, no wonder."
  • "Jesus, don't make me bring out the nail gun again."
  • Being a single parent with a pet pigeon sucks.
  • Pets (like pigeons) should be considered family members.

God on Family Guy

  • "I like the way Family Guy portrays me like just one of the guys, and not all high-and-mighty like they do on The Simpsons."
  • "That Stewie kid sure is cute! Sad that he has to be the Anti-Christ, but nobody's perfect."
  • "Those douchebags at FOX still haven't paid me for the last cameo."
  • "I despise that show! After the third season, it was just way too predictable."
  • "Seriously, South Park could take Family Guy any day of the week. I know, obviously."

God on Justice

  • "Okay, Hitler goes to Hell because he incited his people to war, murdered millions, and destroyed centuries of culture. But then Schweitzer goes to Hell too, just because he once got blown by a prostitute? Who makes up these stupid rules, anyway?"
  • "I remember that girl, Herodias's daughter, I think her name was Salome, got one of my best guys whacked, she did. They should just put her in charge - at least you knew what her motivations were. She was pretty hot, too, as I recall."
  • "People keep saying there's no justice in the world. What's wrong with them? How hard is it to get CourtTV?"
  • "Sorry, rules are rules, even if you change them later. I got at least 13.5 million in Hell, just for that 'eating meat on Friday' thing, right now!"

God on The Second Coming

  • "I sent Jesus back to Los Angeles in the mid 1980's, haven't seen Him since, but someone told Me He was doing 10 to 15 in San Quentin for armed robery. When He gets out He's going to save you all."
  • "Let's see, that's scheduled for next week in Independence, right? Or did we decide to move that down to Lake Tapawingo? Either way, we'd better hurry up and get on IRC so that everyone will know ahead of time."
  • "Ha! I get it now! Armed robery! OMGWTFLOLROFLMFAO!"
  • "I woke up this morning, and I couldn't stop thinking about Jesus... I was thinking about Him waking up in His room with His little clouds all around, and I thought, I should have clouds in God City, because then He would think He was waking up in a nice, familiar place. I came here to take My Son home. And I realized, He already is a homo."
  • "Heh heh heh, Second Coming. Heh heh, they said second."
  • "Maybe when I was younger, but I've not got it in me anymore. Sorry... What's that? They have pills for that now? Dear me, these humans are even more determined than I thought."
  • "Hah! Twice only? I could do it all night, 30,000 times without stopping! What? Oh, it's coming, not cumming."
  • "I'M COMING FOR YOU, CHUCK NORRIS!!"
  • Ill be back!
  • BAAAAAAAH haven't you forgotten about this "second cumming yet? DUUUUUH" I mean... it was like 2000 years ago and i was drunk OK?!?
  • I returned long time ago! I AM the Texas Ranger!!!
  • Yeah guys ill be back, just keep waiting and ill come and magically help you all... (heh lol suckers)
  • Go to las vegas and GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO THE PRIESTS! YEEEEEEEES AND THY SHALL BE SAVED YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESS HALE-LUJA NIGGA!
  • What do you mean second coming? I died last time remember?

God on Oscar Wilde

  • "Apparently, this Wilde fellow thought he was me. Why, imagine the puffery! I offered him a friendly wager to the effect, but the deviously clever fellow pointed out that I had, at some point, pronounced gambling to be a venial sin. So I did what any decent God would do, and cast his everlasting soul into the pit, where the bounder shall remain in eternal torment forever. Ah, the delicious irony of it all."
  • "And even then, he had the audacity to repeat his outlandish claim! Why, I should hardly be surprised if his testicles were to shrivel into tiny pea-sized leathery bits, which would then disappear up his own gazoo. That would serve him properly, the scoundrel."
  • "I've said it once already, and I'll say it one more time in case you missed it: It's 144,000 Hebrew men who haven't had sex with women. Those are the ones who get saved! No exceptions!"
  • "Hey, if he's God, how come he's dead?"
  • "Wilde... Wait a minute, he was another one of those death-bed conversion guys, wasn't he? Oh yeah, I really love those."
  • "He was gay. I can't roll with that. As for getting a divorce... well, I can sort of see that, given that he was basically doing it so he could go off and be gay and all."

God on Howard Stern

  • "I invented radio, not him! I am the King of All Media! And what's more, I was the first major deity to invite drunken dwarves and porn stars into my studio in order to ask them what they say when they fart during sex."
  • "Frankly, I think he jumped the shark after he divorced Allison."

God on Ben Stiller

  • "God-dammit — oops, I mean, uh, Me-dammit! I hate your stupid Jewish jokes, and I'm not even a Nazi. Actually, I am kinda wondering why I made all these idiots Jewish... I should've made them all Mexicans — then I might be able to get a decent cheese blintz next time I go for a drinking binge in Tijuana."
  • "Meet the Fockers, My divine ass. More like Meet the — oooh, hold on, I get it now... Never mind."

God on David Blaine

  • "Cool....How did you do that? Teach me! Teach me!"
  • "You know, hell is very much like a perspex box suspended in mid-air. Especially when people start throwing food."

God on Emo Kids

  • "Who cares anyway..."
  • "I preferred Oscar the Grouch... I just love that little guy!"
  • "I sympathize with them. If people thought I was emo, I'd want to slit my wrists too!"
  • "STOP MAKIN' ME TALK ABOUT STUFF! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"
  • "I prefer 'Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri' over Emos."

God on Pirates

  • "There's a "God on God" section down below... same difference, really."
  • "Thou shalt swagger, drink rum, go wenching, steal stuff, and be way cooler then ninjas."
  • "Thou shalt say Yarrrr when thou speaketh of the 11th of September, or I'll maketh thee a eunuch!"
  • "I had some left-over Chuck Norris, the sailor mold in hand, so I figured, why not?"
  • "Pirates shall be blessed with many wenches. Ninjas are just, well, gay."
  • "The definition of 'Heaven' is: Booty."
  • "Yes, the Lost Boys were Satanists. Now thou shalt stop quizzing me, for this is getting overly technical."
  • "I call them Freeballin' Cutthroats myself."
  • "Thou shalt steal gold from my church, for I'll forgive thee in the end."
  • "Johnny Depp turneth me on."
  • Thou shalt plunder till yer hearts content, thus sayeth the Lord Almighty."
  • "Duncan Yeatts is a butt pirate."

God on God

  • "Everything I learned about Myself...I learned on "Everybody Loves Raymond." True!"
  • "Cool guy, isn't he? Yeah, I thought so too."
  • "Okay, fine, I admit it, I was created 10 seconds after the big bang, rather then the week before, as I have so often claimed."
  • "I did it with Madonna. She was like a little prayer, baby. I called her name, she took me there. [[Hmmmmm, I wonder where this scenario has cropped up before. Reminds me of prostitution.
  • "He turns me on!"
  • "Yarrr."
  • "They say his cock is a foot long."

God on People Pretending to be God on Free Internet Encyclopedias

  • "Look - I use the internet just like everyody else these days. I check this stuff out on a regular basis, and then I add your IP addresses to my little purple book. When you die, I'm gonna send you to the same place your buddy Oscar Wilde ended up in. And once you're there, you'll be forced to watch that stupid TV series, what's it called again... Oh yeah, Twenty-Four! And you know what? You're gonna watch it - twenty-four-seven! Ha! Feel the irony of God! Feel it! Isn't it sooooo much better than late-Victorian English social satire? Isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too."
  • God is pretty cool yes no i love my self

God on Ozzy Osbourne

  • He ate the holy spirits' head...that retard did!
  • He's just a dreamer
  • Back then he fooled me into thinking hes the anti-christ and gave me a big shock in the ass
  • His guitarist,that Zakk Wylde,his beard is no where as great as mine

God on The Antichrist

  • "Do you have any idea how much trouble I had, trying to keep Jesus away from that kid? Annihilation isn't pretty."
  • "I secretly like him better than Jesus"
  • "The bastard owes me ten grand"

God on Television

  • "Even I can't figure out what the Hell is going on on Lost. This last season especially."
  • "The crap-heads who cancelled 'Firefly' are going to get what is coming to them. One word; hedge-clippers. Or is that two words? I can never remember. Mabel?"
  • "If they cancel heroes heads are gonna roll..."
  • "Why does Satan get to play in the fourth season of Supernatural and I don't get a role?"

God on Video Games

  • "I still can't beat Legendary Mode."
  • "You know the guy who made that ET game? Yeah, he's in Hell."
  • "Doom is actually based on my sweet-sixteen party."
  • "All I have is the crowbar!?"
  • "Black and White will ALWAYS be my favourite game.
  • "After my 34th time soloing 5 insane AI, I became beyond God-like in DotA."
  • "I am 1337 using Undeads in Warcraft III."
  • "Where the hell are the cheat codes..."
  • "I'm always Angel on Tekken 2. That's non-negotiable."
  • "Nayru, Din, and Farore got me Twilight Princess for my birthday. Kicks ass."
  • "Where can I get nocd crack?"
  • "I have beaten Raining Blood on Guitar Hero 3 with 5 STARS!"
  • "Lv 81 Warlock, all epics, don't come up to me claiming you're God son, you know who i am"
  • "When he dies, I am so gonna make John Romero my bitch."
  • "Kratos pwns That heavenly Sword Chick "
  • "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! RUNESCAPE!!!"
  • "I am the Michael Jordan of video games!"
  • "Final Smash? Yeah, I have one. It's called APOCALYPSE. Try owning Captain Falcon with anything else."
  • "I know how to unlock Wario in Mario Galaxy"
  • "I am the main editor for the official nintendo magazeen"
  • "I have Halo 4"
  • "I have Final Fantasy 69 BITCH"
  • "I pwn you in counter strike asleep without hands >:D"
  • "Let there be walkbots."
  • "My all time favorite? Diablo 2. No question about it."
  • "God mode.. after a while it's boring.."

God on Pot

  • "I created it."
  • "There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest ... Oh My Me! I left fuckin' pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day! If I leave pot everywhere it's gonna give people the impression they're supposed to use it. Shit! Now I have to create Republicans." -credit to Bill Hicks ;)
  • "Are you a cop?"
  • "Thou shalt smoke upon the 20th passing of thy second hand within thy 16th hour."

God on Toy Train Sets

  • "I like to build toy trains, and let them go off the rails. I did a similar thing years ago with humanity."

God on Drugs

  • "Wow man, you should totally take some drugs, man."

God on Censorship

Man do I hate censorship. After all those stupid humans going around changing everything I say. Can I actually express my opinions? I AM God right?

God on Quotes

  • "Do not try and edit the Quotes. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth. There are no quotes. Then you'll see, that it is not the quotes that are edited, it is only yourself."
  • "Thou shalt not add further quotes"

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