Unquotable:Founding Fathers

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George Washington, like Benjamin Franklin, was a pimp as well as a Founding Father.

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George Washington was the first among equals when it came to the Founding Fathers of the United States. The first President of the USA, you can find the man's image today on the American Penny, Quarter, Dollar, and Indian Head Nickel. He never told a lie and fought fiercely for his country (actually, for both of them - he fought as a British Officer against the French and the Indians before he betrayed the Crown and fought for the rebels in the War of Colonial Aggression). George Washington abhorred injustice and always made sure his slaves were treated tolerably well on his plantation at Mount Vernon, Virginia. And he got on well with others. Everybody (on the American side of the Atlantic Ocean, at least) liked President Washington. Americans elected him to the post of President on two separate occasions, and begged him to stay on for a third (he declined, afraid of being made into a king).

George Washington grew up in the colonies (Virginia, to be exact) but spent part of his childhood in the Caribbean. He was a child of privilege and came from a very prominent Virginia landholding family, but he still knew how to relate to people and was a natural born leader. He shunned things that were overly-English, declining to obtain an education in England; at the same time however, he embraced the best of the British way of life, even going so far as to accept a commission in the British Army before going turncoat and slaying his former brothers like Cain slew Abel. Indeed, throughout his life, George Washington did a variety of incredible things like lead armies, chop down cherry trees, sleep, and wear wooden false teeth. During that time he said some interesting things.

Famous Quotes of George Washington

On Love

  • "Avoid feminine entanglements."
  • "One if by land, two if by sea, and three if by ME. Yeah, you heard me right, I'll fill all three holes."
  • "Thine anus cannot fathom my enlarged phallus."
  • "Don't tread on me. But tread on Mr. Willy all you like. I'm into that kind of thing.
  • "My rod is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity, before it is entitled to the climax."
  • "The marvel of all history is the patience with which women like my wife, Martha, submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their horny and perverted husbands."

On Character

  • "I cannot tell a lie because otherwise my nose grows long and sprouts leaves."
  • "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder, and ain't no woman born yet who does."
  • "Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected, except where loose women are concerned."
  • "The bat-shit-insane and fucked-up practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so motherfucking horrific that every person of sense and character calls it for the bullshit it is."
  • "Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light. It will not, however, set you free. Whoever tells you that is a liar."
  • "You need to know how to wumbo in this new world."
  • Admendment 0-Wumbo as You please.

On Government

  • "Long live the King... er, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America."
  • "I'd look better wearing a crown than Freddie Mercury."
  • "That's Mister President to you."
  • "Arbitrary power is most easily established on the ruins of liberty abused to licentiousness. No, really."
  • "Firearms are second only to the Constitution in importance; they are like my teeth - made of wood."
  • "Some day, following the example of the United States of America, there will be a United States of Europe. It will be called the "European Union," and it will suck. Big time."
  • "After me and my pillar, the administration of justice is the firmest pillar of government."
  • "The basis of our political system is the right of the people to make and to alter their constitutions of government. But don't tell that to Justice Scalia."
  • "The constitution vests the power of declaring war in Congress; therefore no offensive expedition of importance can be undertaken until after they shall have deliberated upon the subject and authorized such a measure. Hey, can you all here me? Is this thing on?"
  • "The time is near at hand which must determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves. Well, not for the actual slaves - they're stuck."

On War

  • "These are the times that try men's souls. Fuck the women."
  • "Discipline is the soul of an army; corporal punishment, its body."
  • "To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace, so I'm not really sure at all how we won the War of Colonial Aggression."
  • "War - An act of violence whose object is to constrain the enemy, to accomplish our will. And what is it good for? Absolutely nothing."
  • "When we assumed the Soldier, we did not lay aside the Citizen. The draft is therefore unconstitutional. Hey, c'mon, would someone fix the mic already?"

Miscellaneous

  • "Ah, Mr. Samuel Adams... good times, good brew."
  • "Martha, where's the wood polish? I have to brush my teeth."
  • "It is better to be alone than in bad company, and it is better to listen to Metallica than Bad Company."
  • "Be courteous to all, but intimate with few - Hey, I'm talking to you, Benjamin; stay away from my wife."
  • "Worry is the interest paid by those who borrow my wife without asking first."
  • "I can only say that there is not a man living who wishes more sincerely than I do to see a plan adopted for the freedom of my slaves as soon as I am dead and gone."
  • "Fuck fish and chips."
  • "Rebecca Black my ass."
  • "And my last, final, and dying wish is never, ever to be depicted on money of any kind. It's debasing."
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