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“It is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them, but it is easier still to just break your face.”
Oscar Wilde •
Winston Churchill •
Considered to be perhaps the most erudite and wise of America's Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin is quoted constantly by U.S. historians, political scientists, and professional wrestling impresarios. The inability to stop quoting Benjamin Franklin (an oral-psychological disorder formally known as "benjivitis") has, over the years, inevitably led to an enormous number of false quotes, some of which are completely indistinguishable from the actual words of wisdom uttered by the famous statesman, journalist, entrepreneur, inventor, and exotic dancer.
Despite an unfortunate incident involving an accidental visit to Earth by a strange alien being known only as Herb, the earliest known instance of Franklin being misquoted can be found in the Book of Exodus, which can be found in the Bible, which can be found in a church, which can be found near you, which can be found living with your mom.
During the four-month period in which the Articles of Confederation were drawn up by The Incontinental Congress, Ben Franklin was quoted many times as saying, "I really have to go to the bathroom." This, ultimately, became Franklin's most famous quote ever, and is used almost daily by people all over the world.
The Wit and Wisdom of Benjamin Franklin
Franklin on People
- "John Adams? I remember him not. Samuel Adams I'm quite familiar with."
- "People who are wrapped up in themselves have small packages."
- "Dishonesty is the second-best policy."
- "Those who are feared are also hated. Eh, did I just say 'hated'? I meant to say 'smarter than you.'"
- "Bitches ain't shit."
- "He that lieth down with dogs is a sick puppy."
- "They that can give up a Charizard to obtain a First-Edition foil Pikachu deserve neither Charizard nor a First-Edition foil Pikachu."
- "You say Fox News has linked me to Lyndon LaRouche? I've no idea who that is. Fox News... Is that something like Poor Richard's Almanack, except for foxes? Mmmm, foxes...!"
- "There are two kinds of women, wives and whores. And there really isn't that much difference between them."
Franklin on His Inventions
- "I remember this one time, I was like, huuuuugely wasted, and I tied my car keys to this kite my little brother had, and flew it around in a the middle of this, like, huuuuuge-ass thunderstorm, right? And, like, a huuuuuge fukkin' lightning bolt hits the kite and like, totally melted my car keys. Man, was I pissed."
- "God is proof that Beer happies us and wants us to be love."
- "Beer is proof that God wants us to be shit-faced."
- "I just wish I'd invented the coin-stamping machine. Just think, if I had, then today there might be a really famous institution called 'The Franklin Coin-Stamping Facility,' and I could go there whenever I wanted and get, like, huuuuugely wasted."
- " Guitar Hero is fun for the whole family, provided that the family is deaf and blind."
Franklin on Economics
- "An investment in knowledge is the least interesting."
- "A billion-dollar bill saved is a billion-dollar bill earned."
- "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound, which in turn is worth a hundred pence."
- "To each his own what? Wouldn't it be better if you just gave it all to me?"
- "A penny saved isn't very much."
- "Give a man a fish, feed him for a day, give a man a poisoned fish, feed him for the rest of his life"
Franklin on War
- "There is no 'little' enemy. I thought the Munchkins would qualify, but they ended up being a lot bigger than the daguerrotypes had me believe."
- "There was never a good war or a bad piece of ass."
Franklin on God
- "God helps those who help themselves to their neighbors' possessions."
- "There is no God, and I am his profit."
- "It's true that I was never especially religious, but I was never especially sober, either, and nobody seemed to mind."
Franklin on Sex
- "Yes please!"
- "A man who loves himself will have no children"
- "We must all hang together, but that's easy to say when you're as well hung as me."
- "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little safety are not the kind of women I party with."
- "The key to my success with the ladies is that I was always early to rise."
- "There's no such thing as a bad piece of ass at all, really. The problem is what the ass is usually attached to."
- "I'm tri-sexual. I'll try anything sexual."
- "You know I have over 80 illegitimate children? And George is called the father of our country."
- "When it comes to wooing, all things are practical. I never would have put a dead beaver on my head if it didn't get live beaver on my person!"
- "Dayuuum, bitch, you fiiiinne."
- "I am required by law to let you know, I am a registered sex offender..."
Franklin on America
- "I believe, with all my heart, that one day, upon this great land, our new nation will rise to such great heights of power and prestige that its leaders won't even have to have working brains for the government to function."
- "I'm proud to be an American. I'm even prouder to have an nine-inch penis, but they wouldn't let me put that in the Declaration of Independence."
- "As they say, little strokes fell Richard Nixon."
- "America doesn't care about Third World countries like Missouri. If you don't like it, you can go cry to the Russians, you little pansy!"
Franklin on Food
- "I eat to live, but I don't live to eat. I live for teh buttseks! LOLERZ!"
- "Well done is better than medium rare. Hey, lunchtime!"
- "Eat to shit; don't shit to eat. Of course, if you're really stupid, just try to remember not to eat your own shit."
- "Eeeeew. That's it, no more White Castles" (upon letting out his infamous fart of 1775)
- "A good friend would quietly help you bury the hooker you accidentally killed. A great friend would then take you out for waffles afterward."
Franklin on Honesty
- "Tricks and treachery are the practice of fools that haven't enough wit to make up their own quotes."
- "There is much difference between imitating a good man and counterfeiting his hundred-dollar bills."
- "Glass, china, and reputation are all easily cracked, and never well-mended. That super glue stuff they have now works pretty good, though."
- "Tongue-double brings trouble! So, by extension, tongue-quadruple brings double-trouble, and so on, to the point where infinite tongue brings infinite trouble. I actually proved this last night with that French babe I was with - she only had one tongue, and I had no trouble whatsoever."
- "After about two months I told her I had Syphillis"
- "No matter what you say, you know it's hard to be honest. Personally, I've never been one."
Franklin on Mistakes
- "To err is human, but to really fuck things up requires a shitty programmer."
- "I just wish we had come up with a better name than 'Founding Fathers.' I really liked 'My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult,' but everyone insisted it was just too 'Goth.'"
- "Time is an herb that cures all diseases. Hemp is very useful too..."
- "In many cases, neglect kills injuries, whereas revenge only increases them. Luckily, there are plenty of drugs around to make you just not care."
- "It was a two-dog night last night."
- "You know all I was trying to do was fly a kite."
Franklin on Life
- "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man get the same amount of sleep as he would have gotten anyways, so why bother?"
- "Life is like a bag of potato chips. You can't eat just one!"
- "'Tis easier to suppress the first desire, than to satisfy all the hot European aristo-babes who follow after finding out from the first one that you're a total sex mo-sheen."
- "It's easy to see, but hard to foresee. And don't even mention C-plus-plus."
- "There are three things that are extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and knowing oneself. Ehhh, I guess there are actually four things."
Franklin on Uncyclopedia
- "There are no fools more troublesome than those with websites."
- "The devil wipes his breeches with poor folks' laughable attempts at proper HTML formatting."
- "A stitch in time will usually cause Famine to ban you at least nine times."
- "There are only two things certain in life: Death, and Wikipedians behaving like small children."
Franklin on Wikipedia
- "Those who do not cite information will be constantly harassed by those who read about me too much and demand more citations"
- "Demanding citations on every page is not graffiti if thee demand for it on the most unreasonable topics"
- "Citations are more important than the article"
- "These aren't my shoes!"
^ 1. It is generally believed that "Herb" and Zombie Benjamin Franklin were, in fact, the same person. It should also be noted that Zombie Benjamin Franklin has never been misquoted, ever. Once, during a ride on the Paris subway, this guy standing next to him was all, like, "what'd you say?" ... But that's because he was stoned. It was an honest mistake.
^ 2. The misquote occurred when Moses told Pharaoh to "let my people go." Pharaoh immediately refused, and was about to return to his royal barge to finish his scrambled eggs when Moses muttered "jerkwad" under his breath. Hearing this, Pharaoh demanded to know who had the balls to make such a statement, at which point the flustered Moses immediately pointed across the room to Benjamin Franklin - who was not only there on a time-travel holiday, but who was at that precise moment eating the rest of Pharaoh's scrambled eggs. Franklin was executed on the spot for treason and egg-baiting, and later returned from the dead as Zombie Benjamin Franklin in order to make numerous important scientific discoveries, such as his discovery that brains are tasty.
^ 3. Most historians agree that this is because Zombie Benjamin Franklin never actually speaks.