Unquotable:Arthur C. Clarke
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“Kubrick was a talentless bum. That whole movie was my idea. And you remember the apes, in the beginning? That's right - I was the smart one, third from the right.”
Oscar Wilde •
Winston Churchill •
Famous scientist, inventor, turtle impersonator, author and non-paedophile, Arthur C. Clarke is responsible for inventing everything that exists, as well as several things that do not. Clarke lives quietly with 37 nubile Sri Lankan boys in hot pants) on an small island in the Indian Ocean. He spends most of his free time persuading people that he is an author, and not merely a paedophile.
Clarke is the author of numerous science fiction novels, such as Childhood's End (1953), The Fountains of Paradise (1978), and Cradle (1987), as well as non-fiction works such as The Young Traveler in Space (1954) and Boy Beneath the Sea (1958). His many short stories include "Trouble with the Natives" (1951) and "Out of the Cradle, Endlessly Orbiting" (1959).
Clarke on His Many Inventions
- "My proudest moment came when I invented the first Uncyclopedian; my darkest, when my work was abused to create the Wikipedian."
- "Much has been made of the fact that my invention of the petrol-driven engine revolutionized the 20th century."
- "In Soviet Russia, everything invents me!"
- "Without me, you see, the Dark Ages would never have come into being."
- "The funny thing is, when I invented Christianity, I wasn't entirely serious."
- "Some people believe that H.G. Wells had a major influence upon my style. That is only partially true since I invented him, along with every other notable Science Fiction Writers."
- "Yes, Thomas Edison did invent the lightbulb and 1092 other odd things. But guess who invented Edison?"
- “I got around the main problem of inventing the tele-communications satellite by inventing outer space and everything that appears there in. Although between you, I and the gatepost I had myself a little rest on the seventh day in – following its invention by me of course!”
Clarke on Himself
- "I can unequivocably state that I am, in fact, an author, and not a paedophile — although I did invent paedophilia."
Clarke on Other People
- "Before me, people merely dreamed of Stanley Kubrick."
- "Isaac Asimov is, in reality, based on something I had invented a few years previously."
- "Harlan Ellison really is such a little snot."
- "I invented Philip K. Dick."
- "If I didn't exist, I would have invented myself."
- "Even if I didn't invent it, I'm sure I would have invented it, anyway."
- Al Gore likes to claim that he invented the internet, but in fact, I invented Al Gore following my futile attempts at inventing Dan Quayle 2.0. Oh, and I invented the internet, too."
- "I’m going to fucking invent that guy... I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking invent Steve Ballmer."
Clarke on Fashion
- "I was the first person to make looking like a pale, balding turtle fashionable."
- "History shows that it was I who invented Hot Pants, and that my boys have been wearing them since 1952."
Clarke on Things That Tingle
- "Hmm, my spider-sense™ is tingling."
- "Hmm, my idiot-sense™ is also tingling."
- "It is a fact that I did, in 1948, invent the first good thing. I should also add that it tingled."
- "Hmm, I'm getting that Fimbling Feeling™."
Clarke on PCP
- "I’m going to fucking bury those people, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking kill everything."
Clarke on 2001
- "I invented that year"
- "I'm sorry Dave; you can't invent that because I already did! Oh yeah and I can read lips; which I invented. So I'm gonna throw your sorry arse into space; which I invented"
Clarke on 2001:A Space Odyssey
- "What a load of shit that was. Now I have to write a book EXPLAINING that bollocks!"
- "Kubrick, come 'ere, I'll punch yer fuckin' lights out!"