From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Oscar Wilde •
Benjamin Franklin •
Winston Churchill •
Aristotle (384 – March 7, 322 BC) was an ancient Geek, a philosopher, a student and pederastic partner of Plato, and teacher and sexual partner of Alexander the Great. He wrote books on many subjects, most of which he had no knowledge of and pretty much BS'd. These random subjects included physics, poetry, zoology, logic, rhetoric, government, biology, linguistics, Egyptian mythology, Chinese philosophers, Linux, Unix, Firefox, Google, Gmail, Opera, wikis, Aristotelianism, Platonism, early Christianity, Catholic dogma, Existentialism, Rationalism, philosophes, democracy in America, Communism, Capitalism, Anarchism, and Mercantilism.
Aristotle, along with Plato and Socrates, is generally considered one of the most influential of ancient Greek h4x0rz. They transformed Presocratic software conventions into the foundations of Freeware, Linux, and BSD as we know them. The writings of Plato and Aristotle founded two of the most important schools of Ancient computer operating systems, namely, Unix and Xerox PARC.
Aristotle's Most Quotable Quotes
Aristotle on Politics
- "If the nigga in the White House tells you to do something, do it."
- "Again, men in general desire gay marriage, and not merely what their fathers had."
- "Law is order, and good law is hella tight."
- "Man is by nature a political animal. Woman, however, is by nature a whiny animal."
- "The basis of a democratic state is Linux."
- "Those who excel in using Linux have the best right of all to rebel, but then they are of all men the least inclined to do so."
- "Plato thought Philosophers ought to rule the republic from ivory towers, I think we err... they ought to rule from huge bath tubs filled with rutabegas and sour cream, and be waited on hand and foot by women who remotely resemble famed Raider halfback Napoleon Kaufman, yeah that's the life."
Aristotle on Rhetoric
- "We are what we continually eat. Feta, then, is not a cheese, but a habit."
- "All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: Microsoft, Republicans, Communism, drugs, Xenu, Oscar Wilde, and sex."
- "Probable impossibilities are to be preferred to improbable possibilities.... Wait.... What did I just say?"
- "Who's the more foolish: the fool, or the fool who follows him?"
- "True knowledge is in the comprehension of the forms, and right now I know that I have misrepresented myself in a number of the forms given to the internal revenue service, I have knowledge of this and hence I am better for it."
- "Reason is that which one can know he does not know that he would like to possibly know if he didn't know how to."
- "There is no Truth but for that which is founded upon 'The Bible', which, tragically, has not been written yet."
Aristotle on Animals
- "In all things of nature there is something which is obviously on LSD."
- "Thus logic dictates that squirrels must be cute and fuzzy."
- "Tux, when perfected, is the best of animals, but when separated from law and justice, he is the worst of all."
- "I must acknowledge the fact that I have always dreamt of unicorns."
- "What unicorns means in this application, I do not know, but Oscar Wilde kicks ass."
- "Could you pass the chicken?"
- "Yo Mama so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck!"
- "I never met an animal I didn't like (roasted)."
Aristotle on Ethics
- "And happiness is thought to depend on how many babes one has; for we are busy that we may have girlfriends, and make war that we may pick up chicks."
- "Life in the true sense is perceiving, thinking, or huffing kittens."
- "Piety requires us to honor truth above kittens."
- "Even I cannot understand Nicomachean Ethics."
- "P requires us to honor a voiceless bilabial plosive over a voiced labiodental fricative, unless, of course, it is followed by H."
- "Taking offense at something is a consious choice one makes. And when one takes offense, they are being indignant. Indignance, on behalf of one's own self is called being self-rightous. Being indignant on someone else's behalf is called being an imperialist wanker who can't mind your own business. This carries across the very institutions of human existence- the human being in a social context, society in a paedophile context, and America in an Iraq context."
Aristotle to Alexander the Great
- Aristotle: "Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"
Alexander: "Don't say that, master. You're the closest thing I have to a father."
Aristotle: "Then why don't you listen to me?"
- Aristotle: "You have allowed this Platonist to twist your mind, until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy."
Alexander: "Don't lecture me, Aristotle. I see through the lies of the Aristotelians. I do not fear the Supernatural as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice and security to my new empire, much like in Plato's Republic!"
Aristotle: "Your new empire?"
Alexander: "Don't make me kill you."
Aristotle: "Alexander, my allegiance is to the polis, TO LOGIC!!"
Alexander: "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy!"
Aristotle: "Only a Platonist deals in moral absolutes. I will do what I must."
Alexander: "You will try."
- Aristotle: "I have failed you, Alexander. I have failed you."
Alexander: "I should've known the Aristotelians were plotting to take over!"
Aristotle: "Alex, Xenocrates is illogical!"
Alexander: "From my point of view, the Aristotelians are illogical and can't write like shit compared to Plato!"
Aristotle: "Well, then you are lost!"
Alexander: "This is the end for you, my master."
- Aristotle: "You were the Chosen One! Logic dictated that you would destroy the Platonists, not join them! Bring balance to the Academy of Athens, not leave it in darkness!"
Alexander (screaming): "I hate you!"
Aristotle: "You were my brother, Alex. I held you in logically high regard."
- Alexander: "The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master."
Aristotle: "Only a master of Platonism, Alex."
Alexander: "Your mind is weak, old man."
Aristotle: "You can't win, Alex. If you strike me down, logic dictates that I shall become more powerful than you or any other Platonist can possibly imagine."
- Aristotle: I knew you would come. I thought I told you though, my son, that blood is thicker than water?
Alexander: Yes, you did, but Gold is thicker than Blood.
Aristotle: What a shame for you then, that bronze is sharper than gold! Ha! (Pulls a dagger, and lunges towards Alexander)
Alexander: You also taught me that lead is faster than bronze! (Pulls a gun and shoots Aristotle)
- Alexander: For Greece, Aristotle?
Aristotle: No, Alec, this one's for me.