“It's quite simple, really. If I'm the Moon, and I'm traveling at the speed of light in the general direction of your eye, and I then collide with it in the manner of a large circular object consisting of bread, cheese, pepperoni, and tomato sauce, then there is naturally an impact - which can be theoretically termed, in a word, amoré.”
“Do you know the smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth? Mein doodle! I'm Einstein, bitch!”
Oscar Wilde •
Winston Churchill •
Like most people, Albert Einstein was born, however, he was born with a full set of teeth and a head of grey hair. This is why he is never pictured without them, even in pictures of him when he was "younger". Many feel that he is, in fact, immortal, and simply emerged from his mothers womb after a bet with some drinking buddies. Like Oscar Wilde, Winston Churchill, God, and Christopher Walken, Albert Einstein is often misquoted - and worse, many lesser scientists have stolen his quotes as their own. To add to the confusion, Einstein also conducted several disastrous time travel and wormhole experiments, traveling to many different worlds and time periods, where he was also heavily quoted.
Einstein was also a pioneer in the field of human cloning. A horrible accident that occurred during one of these complex genetic experiments resulted in the escape of one particularly mischievous and "snarky" clone, who quickly became known as Albert Einstein. This was a deliberate violation of the "I after E, except after T" rule, which applies universally unless the word in question is spoken with a distinct guttural spitting noise. Since most people omit the horrible spitting noise when pronouncing the German word "Einstein," but do make the noise when pronouncing "Einstein," a serious disruption in the space-time continuum was, of course, inevitable.
So now, there are now two Einsteins, here in this plane of reality, each thinking he is the real Albert Einstein, but not knowing that the other exists - and both are regularly and randomly traveling through time, being quoted constantly at each destination, until someone finally learns how to spell their names correctly and they can fuse back together into one being - and ultimately die in peace, or at least find a good hairstylist.
Famous Quotes by Albert Einstein
Einstein on Science
- A little knowledge is dangerous, so is a lot. I guess this makes me the most dangerous person in the universe.
- "My hair is full of static and is also dangerous, containing many volts of nerdicity and theories. If you want to do my hair, suffer the torture of the nerds.
- "Math is too hard. So, I took up science, where guesses are called "theories" and you don't need math to prove anything."
- "I have a thousand years of power!"
- "I have no special gift, excluding, of course, the 13 inch Pringles can of a phallus I have."
- "Imagination is more important than knowledge, but big tits have them both beat."
- "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to do it while taking a dump."
- "Because of my high IQ, I was nicknamed 'Einstein' in school. Their originality was shocking"
- "You don't have to have a good theory to be a good scientist. Just one that can't be proven wrong until years after you're dead!"
- "Don't copy that floppy!"
- "Nothing will benefit human health or increase the chances for survival
of life on earth as the evolution of a kickass laser light show."
- "Sometimes making sure you are right and not plagiarizing is wrong and wastes time. Take e=mc2, for example."
- "In Soviet Russia, Theory of Relativity make sense!!"
- "Oh, you mean all that crap I've been doing actually has a name?"
Einstein on Physics
- "Physics makes us all its bitches!"
- "Only two things are infinite, Kansas and human stupidity. And I've never really been sure about the former."
- "Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road cross to the other side of the chicken?"
- "Time will tell. Sooner or later, time will tell."
- "Theoretically, in addition to the known universe, there are an infinite number of parallel universes, perpendicular universes, alternate universes, The Michael Jackson Universe, and of course, my personal favorite, the puppy universe. Michael Jackson isn't a puppy, by the way, though he apparently is some sort of beast."
- "There are only two constants in this universe. The speed of light is 3x10^8 m/sec and an egg boils in 3 minutes. Armed with these two pieces of knowledge I have had years of scientific breakthrough over breakfast with runny eggs and toast soldiers."
- "And so, as we can see, E=MC2, where E is the emotion Ecstasy, M is Milk and C is Cookies! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"
Einstein on Other Physicists
- "Stephen Hawking was wrong about black holes, wrong about quarks, and wrong about physics in general, but he has a voice that can charm the angels."
- "Stephen Hawking should just stop getting sympathy followers just because he's in a wheelchair...I mean come on my hair was fucking nuts! I even stuck my tongue out!"
- "Rigel 57-and-seven-fifths does exist!"
- "If I could go back in time and meet Sir Isaac Newton, I'd tell him the same thing I told him just last week, when I went back in time to tell him about some stuff."
- "PatHetyc Noob! YuRR PWNED!!!!" (when he got back in time to meet Sir Isaac Newton)
- "I’m going to fucking bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking string up Brian Greene."
- "Linus Pauling is just a big sissy. (Not that there's anything... oh, never mind.)"
Einstein on Time
- "Look time is relative so let's not just throw around words like 'premature' ejaculation."
- "M.C. Hammer is a special type of time where special relativity does not apply."
- "Get your fucking shoes on, it's quarter-to now and I don't want to miss the first act."
- "Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit! Now I'll probably miss my tram."
- "Where the hell were you? I've been standing here in the fucking rain for half an hour waiting for you."
- "Time flies when you are having fun, right now I am bored and it feels live forever."
- "Time is relative, and relatives waste your time. My cousin Yahoo Serious wastes my time every time I meet him."
- " I think now is a good time to prove that time is actually non-existent."
- " Yeah, I know I look weird when I talk like this! Who do you expect me to be, Chuck Norris? I'd have to go a hundred years back in time to look like that! Oh wait, I can do that.... can't I? "
Einstein on Politics
- "Sixty percent of all statistics are wrong."
- "Sixty percent of my hats don't fit."
- "Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated penises."
- "I died with Yoda" (5 Days after Death)
- "My latest theory is mostly about politics, not physics. I've predicted the future existence of complex communities of anonymous people connected by informational machines, who only know each other by names of their own invention, and who spend all of their spare time contributing ideas, knowledge, or even just jokes to a vast repository of inter-linked information centers, all simply for the sheer enjoyment of being involved in doing it. I've decided to call it Einstein's Theory of Civilizations in Crisis."
- "Ich bin ein nerd."
- "Not only have I proven that George W. Bush does not exist, but I also proved that Karl Rove made him up as a favor to Dick Cheney and the New World Order because nobody as stupid as George W. Bush would even exist. He has to be a sockpuppet or something and not a real person."
- "Sixty percent of my underwear doesn't fit either. Hmmm... I wonder what's the problem?"
- "Al Gore didn't invent the Internet, it was all some political scam of his to try and claim the Nobel Prize. Al Gore didn't invent global warming either that was my idea when I noticed that not only did God not play dice, but he turned the Earth thermostat up too high one day because he thought it was too damn cold."
Einstein on Religion
- "God does not shoot craps, play video poker, or waste money on slot machines. If He did, though, the laws of probability would still apply."
- "God does not play D&D! "
- "By God, I mean Nature. I'm an atheist - no wait, I'm not an atheist, i'm an apatheist. Or maybe an agnostic... You'll recall, of course, that I proved God existed - and then I proved he didn't. So, would you believe I'm a unitarian? How about anabaptist? Not buying that either... Okay, I'll admit it, I'm a Scientologist. Woo hoo. Happy now?"
- "God hates queers!"
- "God hates Stephen Hawking. You know what? he probably hates me too. Not that I care about it a lot..."
- "God hates Dan Brown. Oh well, he doesn't have too much to worry about. Since Dan's the only reason people know who God is...I mean isn't...I mean is...(man! this is tougher than I thought!)."
- "Whoa. When the hell did I become Fred Phelps?"
- "In Soviet Russia, God do not play YOU!!."
- "God plays D&D! "
- "God is this really clever Nazi bloke with a square mistosh and a general hate of Jews and Gay Geezers."
- "Who is this God fellow anyway?"
- "As I reach further in my discovery of science, God becomes less and less and less and less and less and less and less real to me. God, I don't even believe in him. I mean gosh."
Einstein on Celebrity
- "The media wants a picture of me? I'll just stick my tongue out at them. That will teach them to be nosy... After all, what sort of fool would want to see a picture of me with my tongue hanging out?"
- "The most wonderful thing we can experience is Vin Diesel. He is the source of most art and all science."
- "Chuck Norris is the ultimate product of evolution and proof that God does exist, because Chuck Norris evolved from Jesus according to this Pokemon card I just collected."
Einstein on Family
- "So I married a woman who just happened to be my cousin. It isn't exactly rocket science."
- "Luke, I am your father."
- "No, I will not make out with you."
- "My grandparents were wonderful people. So I felt terrible that day, when I traveled back in time to kill them, just to disprove the Grandfather Paradox."
- "Beat that, mom! I told you I'd be a famous scientist some day! I told you that if you made me use hair jel on picture day I would purposefully create a machine that's sole purpose is to mess up my hair! Who has the last laugh now?"
- "I do. HA!"
Einstein on Bees
- "If the bees die, then so do we in four years."
- "I don't got bees, baby, I got sexual hives!"
- "I've had it with these motherfucking bees on this motherfucking plane!"
- "Bees make honey, people make money, gimme some money honey."
- "Buzz off like a bee!"
- "All this deal about me having 'more brains than any other damn person on the face of the planet' still didn't make me get why people like eating 'bee-spit'. Wait, you mean you didn't know that honey was actually bee-spit?!?...Well, then... DAMN YOU!!!"
- "shove this bee up your asshole!"
Einstein on Education
- "Read a motherfucking book!"
- "College is for those people who are too cowardly for the military."
- "Ultra-Left-Wing college professors are wrong 99.6% of the time, the other 0.4% of the time is due to them making a wild ass guess."
- "Ultra-Right-Wing college professors are right 99.6% of the time, the other 0.4% of the time is due to them making a brain fart, and by right I mean right-wing and not correct."
- "I could never do Math, I was called a dunce and dumbkopf in school. Well who is the dumbkopf now? I'm one of the smartest men on the planet. Actually, I am the smartest man on the palnet! Kneel before me you walnut-brained half-wits!"
- "Imagination is more important than knowledge, because in science we use our imagination to fake the data collected being correct on our theories and make up the hypothesis testing so that it looks correct. 99% of my theories and the theories in modern science are nonsense or bullshit. The remaining 1% are correct, but I'll never tell you which ones are correct. You'll have to figure that out on your own, dumbass!"
Einstein on his Birth-Bed
- "Quiero chupar las tetas grandes.¡Madre!"
- "Diarrea is the new salsa.
Einstein on his Death-Bed
- "See, what'd I tell ya?"
- "Nurse, do you speak German? I have something important to say in German, before I die. What, you don't speak German? Well, then... forget it."
- "My only dying regret is that I was never able to have sexual relations with someone while wearing an elaborate animal costume."
- "I put my hand upon your hip. When I dip, you dip, we dip."
- "Applause my friends, the science-fiction is over."
- "Another one of my dying regret is that I could never puck-up the guts to ask sweet Susie from high-school to go with me to the prom. What? she died a year ago? (gasp)... Oh well..."
- "To am or not to is, that are the question (laugh)"
- "Of course! The secret... the secret to building a non-fuel-consuming faster-than-light warp drive is... Aaaackkkkk!" (wheeze) (gurgle) (silence)"
Einstein on Ploppy
- "You couldn't ask for a better friend than Ploppy, though you could probably demand one."
- "Oh, Ploppy... you'll be the death of me someday! Now just fasten these electrodes to my penis and go stand in the corner."
- "Well... it's not likely to happen again, now, is it? I mean, whatever it is. And that's assuming it happened once already, obviously."
- "Ploppy, are you playing my trumpet? Dammit, if you can't restrict yourself to the non-spit-valve instruments like I've asked you to, then just go away and leave me to die in peace."
Einstein on Einstein
- "All my life has been leading up the point while i can justify my effigy being printed on a series of novelty ties."
- "The truth is, I just say what the voices inside my head tell me to say."
- "Who the hell is Einstein? What! Really! Remind me to send him a cheque."
- "I think that someone will misquote me on this, but I'll say it anyway."
- "The newspapers say I'm a genius who can't put on his socks. Well, the newspapers can kiss my ass."
- "I'm really disappointed that my guest appearance on Gunsmoke didn't launch a long and successful TV career."
- "I do not play dice."
- "Wait, is he that funny guy on the dollar?...No?...Oh well, he's too handsome to be in EVERYBODY'S pocket."
- "Who the fuck is this?"
- "YES! I have successfully created a clone!"
- "Well, that sounds wrong."
- Einstein's Theory of Relativity
- Einsteinian Physics
- Quantum Physics
- Fart Physics
- New Math
- Old Math
- Extreme Math
- Einstein's Malicious Theories
- Apples and oranges
^ 2. Moreover, the English translation of the name "Einstien" is "Bush," causing many to confuse the clone with George W. Bush - confusion made even worse by the fact that Bush's own clone is named "Albert Einstein." No one has successfully explained why this is (it is thought to be the result of an unrelated DNA mixup), but whenever Bush becomes angry or huffs kittens, the cloned version is forced to take over the reins of the United States Government.