Unquotable:Albert Einstein

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{{Q|It's quite simple, really. If I'm the Moon, and I'm traveling at the speed of light in the general direction of your eye, and I then collide with it in the manner of a large circular object consisting of bread, cheese, pepperoni, and tomato sauce, then there is naturally an impact - which can be theoretically termed, in a word, ''amoré.''|Albert Einstein|''[[Dino|amoré]]''|}} {{ref|DINO}}
 
 
{{Q|Do you know the smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth? '''Mein doodle'''! I'm Einstein, bitch!|Albert Einstein|his ex-wife}}
 
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[[image:EinsteinInColor.jpg|160px|thumb|left|"Do you like the new 'do? I think it makes me look a bit, I don't know... ''silly.''"]]
 
[[image:EinsteinInColor.jpg|160px|thumb|left|"Do you like the new 'do? I think it makes me look a bit, I don't know... ''silly.''"]]
 
{{:Unquotable:NavTemplate}}
 
{{:Unquotable:NavTemplate}}
[[image:Einstein oppenheimer.jpg|thumb|right|"Here's me and my son, [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]]. He's a nice boy, but he'd delete me in a heartbeat if given the chance."]]
 
[[image:Einstein haircut.jpg|thumb|right|"I didn't like this look. It just made me seem too... ''Republican.'' And ''no,'' I did ''not'' play [[Obi-wan]] in [[Star Wars]]."]]
 
 
[[image:Einstein holding tourniquet.jpg|140px|thumb|right|"You're a fool if you even ''look'' at this picture."]]
 
[[image:Einstein holding tourniquet.jpg|140px|thumb|right|"You're a fool if you even ''look'' at this picture."]]
[[image:Yoda.jpg|thumb|right|[[Unquotable:Yoda|"In the wrong quotes section, I am."]]]]
 
 
Like most people, Albert Einstein was born, however, he was born with a full set of teeth and a head of grey hair. This is why he is never pictured without them, even in pictures of him when he was "younger". Many feel that he is, in fact, immortal, and simply emerged from his mothers womb after a bet with some drinking buddies.
 
Like most people, Albert Einstein was born, however, he was born with a full set of teeth and a head of grey hair. This is why he is never pictured without them, even in pictures of him when he was "younger". Many feel that he is, in fact, immortal, and simply emerged from his mothers womb after a bet with some drinking buddies.
 
Like [[Oscar Wilde]], [[Winston Churchill]], [[God]], and [[Christopher Walken]], '''[[Albert Einstein]]''' is often misquoted - and worse, many lesser [[scientists]] have stolen his quotes as their own. To add to the confusion, Einstein also conducted several disastrous [[time travel]] and [[wormhole]] experiments, traveling to many different worlds and time periods, where he was also heavily quoted.
 
Like [[Oscar Wilde]], [[Winston Churchill]], [[God]], and [[Christopher Walken]], '''[[Albert Einstein]]''' is often misquoted - and worse, many lesser [[scientists]] have stolen his quotes as their own. To add to the confusion, Einstein also conducted several disastrous [[time travel]] and [[wormhole]] experiments, traveling to many different worlds and time periods, where he was also heavily quoted.
   
Einstein was also a pioneer in the field of human [[cloning]]. A horrible accident that occurred during one of these complex genetic experiments resulted in the escape of one particularly mischievous and "snarky" clone, who quickly became known as '''Albert Einstein.''' This was a deliberate violation of the "I after E, except after T" rule, which applies universally ''unless the word in question is spoken with a distinct guttural spitting noise.'' Since most people omit the horrible spitting noise when pronouncing the [[German]] word "Einstein," but ''do'' make the noise when pronouncing "Einstein," a serious disruption in the [[space-time continuum]] was, of course, inevitable.{{ref|MUAEQ1}}
 
 
So now, there are now ''two'' Einsteins, here in this plane of [[reality]], each thinking he is the real Albert Einstein, but not knowing that the other exists - and both are regularly and randomly traveling through time, being quoted constantly at each destination, until someone finally learns how to spell their names correctly and they can fuse back together into one being - and ultimately [[death|die in peace]], or at least find a good [[hair]]stylist.
 
 
<br clear="left">
 
 
==Famous Quotes by Albert Einstein==
 
==Famous Quotes by Albert Einstein==
 
===Einstein on [[Science]]===
 
===Einstein on [[Science]]===
 
* A little knowledge is dangerous, so is a lot. I guess this makes me the most dangerous person in the universe.
 
* A little knowledge is dangerous, so is a lot. I guess this makes me the most dangerous person in the universe.
* "My hair is full of static and is also dangerous, containing many volts of nerdicity and theories. If you want to do my hair, suffer the torture of the nerds.
 
* "[[Math]] is too hard. So, I took up [[science]], where guesses are called "theories" and you don't need math to prove anything."
 
* "I have a thousand years of power!"
 
* "I have no special gift, excluding, of course, the 13 inch Pringles can of a phallus I have."
 
 
* "[[Imagination]] is more important than [[knowledge]], but big [[tits]] have them both beat."
 
* "[[Imagination]] is more important than [[knowledge]], but big [[tits]] have them both beat."
* "[[Science]] is a wonderful thing if one does not have to do it while taking a dump."
 
* "Because of my high IQ, I was nicknamed 'Einstein' in school. Their originality was shocking"
 
 
* "You don't have to have a good theory to be a good scientist. Just one that can't be proven wrong until years after you're dead!"
 
* "You don't have to have a good theory to be a good scientist. Just one that can't be proven wrong until years after you're dead!"
* "Don't copy that floppy!"
 
*"Nothing will benefit human health or increase the chances for survival
 
of life on earth as the evolution of a kickass laser light show."
 
* "Sometimes making sure you are right and not plagiarizing is wrong and wastes time. Take e=mc2, for example."
 
* "In Soviet Russia, Theory of Relativity make sense!!"
 
* "MUHAHAHAHA!"
 
* "Oh, you mean all that crap I've been doing actually has a name?"
 
   
 
===Einstein on [[Physics]]===
 
===Einstein on [[Physics]]===
* "Physics makes us all its bitches!"
+
* "Only two things are infinite, Kansas and human [[stupidity]]. And I've never really been sure about the former."
 
 
* "Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road cross to the other side of the chicken?"
 
* "Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road cross to the other side of the chicken?"
 
* "Time will tell. Sooner or later, ''time will tell.''"
 
* "Time will tell. Sooner or later, ''time will tell.''"
* "Theoretically, in addition to the [[known universe]], there are an infinite number of [[parallel universe]]s, [[Perpendicular Universe|perpendicular universes]], [[Alternate Universes I Seriously Hope Do Not Actually Exist|alternate universes]], [[Michael Jackson|The Michael Jackson Universe]], and of course, my personal favorite, the [[Puppy Universe|puppy universe]]. Michael Jackson isn't a puppy, by the way, though he apparently is ''some'' sort of beast."
 
 
* "There are only two constants in this universe. The speed of light is 3x10^8 m/sec and an egg boils in 3 minutes. Armed with these two pieces of knowledge I have had years of scientific breakthrough over breakfast with runny eggs and toast soldiers."
 
* "There are only two constants in this universe. The speed of light is 3x10^8 m/sec and an egg boils in 3 minutes. Armed with these two pieces of knowledge I have had years of scientific breakthrough over breakfast with runny eggs and toast soldiers."
* "And so, as we can see, E=MC<small>2</small>, where E is the emotion Ecstasy, M is Milk and C is Cookies! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"
 
   
 
===Einstein on Other [[Physicists]]===
 
===Einstein on Other [[Physicists]]===
* "[[Stephen Hawking]] was wrong about [[black hole]]s, wrong about [[quark]]s, and wrong about [[physics]] in general, but he has a voice that can charm the [[devil|angels]]."
 
* "Stephen Hawking should just stop getting sympathy followers just because he's in a wheelchair...I mean come on my hair was fucking nuts! I even stuck my tongue out!"
 
* "Rigel 57-and-seven-fifths '''''does exist!'''''"
 
 
* "If I could go back in time and meet [[Sir Isaac Newton]], I'd tell him the same thing I told him just last week, when I went back in time to tell him about some stuff."
 
* "If I could go back in time and meet [[Sir Isaac Newton]], I'd tell him the same thing I told him just last week, when I went back in time to tell him about some stuff."
* "PatHetyc Noob! YuRR PWNED!!!!" (when he got back in time to meet [[Sir Isaac Newton]])
 
* "I’m going to fucking ''bury'' that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking ''string up'' [[Brian Greene]]."
 
* "[[Linus Pauling]] is just a big sissy. <small>(Not that there's anything... oh, never mind.)</small>"
 
   
===Einstein on [[Time]]===
+
===Einstein on [[Politics]]===
   
* "Look time is relative so let's not just throw around words like 'premature' ejaculation."
 
* "M.C. Hammer is a special type of time where special relativity does not apply."
 
* "Get your fucking shoes on, it's quarter-to now and I don't want to miss the first act."
 
* "Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit! Now I'll probably miss my tram."
 
* "Where the hell were you? I've been standing here in the fucking rain for half an hour waiting for you."
 
* "Time flies when you are having fun, right now I am bored and it feels live forever."
 
* "Time is relative, and relatives waste your time. My cousin Yahoo Serious wastes my time every time I meet him."
 
* " I think now is a good time to prove that time is actually non-existent."
 
* " Yeah, I know I look weird when I talk like this! Who do you expect me to be, Chuck Norris? I'd have to go a hundred years back in time to look like that! Oh wait, I ''can'' do that.... can't I? "
 
 
===Einstein on [[Politics]]===
 
 
* "Sixty percent of all statistics are wrong."
 
* "Sixty percent of all statistics are wrong."
 
* "Sixty percent of my hats don't fit."
 
* "Sixty percent of my hats don't fit."
 
* "Politics is a pendulum whose swings between [[anarchy]] and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated [[penise]]s."
 
* "Politics is a pendulum whose swings between [[anarchy]] and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated [[penise]]s."
* "I died with Yoda" (5 Days after Death)
 
* "My latest theory is mostly about politics, not physics. I've predicted the future existence of complex communities of anonymous people connected by informational machines, who only know each other by names of their own invention, and who spend all of their spare time contributing ideas, knowledge, or ''even just jokes'' to a vast repository of inter-linked information centers, ''all simply for the sheer enjoyment of being involved in doing it.'' I've decided to call it '''Einstein's Theory of Civilizations in Crisis.'''"
 
* ''"Ich bin ein nerd."''
 
* "Not only have I proven that [[George W. Bush]] does not exist, but I also proved that [[Karl Rove]] made him up as a favor to [[Dick Cheney]] and the [[New World Order]] because nobody as stupid as George W. Bush would even exist. He has to be a [[sockpuppet]] or something and not a real person."
 
* "Sixty percent of my underwear doesn't fit either. Hmmm... I wonder what's the problem?"
 
* "Al Gore didn't invent the Internet, it was all some political scam of his to try and claim the Nobel Prize. Al Gore didn't invent [[global warming]] either that was my idea when I noticed that not only did [[God]] not play dice, but he turned the Earth thermostat up too high one day because he thought it was too damn cold."
 
   
 
===Einstein on [[Religion]]===
 
===Einstein on [[Religion]]===
 
* "[[God]] does not shoot craps, play video poker, or waste money on slot machines. If He did, though, the laws of probability ''would still apply.''"
 
* "[[God]] does not shoot craps, play video poker, or waste money on slot machines. If He did, though, the laws of probability ''would still apply.''"
 
* "[[God]] does not play [[D&D]]! "
 
* "[[God]] does not play [[D&D]]! "
* "By [[God]], I mean [[Nature]]. I'm an [[atheist]] - no wait, I'm not an atheist, i'm an [[apatheist]]. Or maybe an [[agnostic]]... You'll recall, of course, that I proved God existed - and then I proved he ''didn't.'' So, would you believe I'm a unitarian? How about anabaptist? Not buying that either... Okay, I'll admit it, I'm a [[Scientology|Scientologist]]. Woo hoo. ''Happy now?''"
 
* "[[God]] hates queers!"
 
* "[[God]] hates [[Stephen Hawking]]. You know what? he probably hates me too. Not that I care about it a lot..."
 
* "[[God]] hates [[Dan Brown]]. Oh well, he doesn't have too much to worry about. Since Dan's the only reason people know who [[God]] is...I mean isn't...I mean is...(man! this is tougher than I thought!)."
 
* "Whoa. When the hell did I become [[Fred Phelps]]?"
 
* "In [[Russian Reversal|Soviet Russia]], [[God]] do not play YOU''!!''."
 
* "[[God]] plays [[D&D]]! "
 
* "[[God]] is this really clever Nazi bloke with a square mistosh and a general hate of Jews and Gay Geezers."
 
* "Who is this [[God]] fellow anyway?"
 
 
* "As I reach further in my discovery of science, God becomes less and less and less and less and less and less and less real to me. God, I don't even believe in him. I mean gosh."
 
* "As I reach further in my discovery of science, God becomes less and less and less and less and less and less and less real to me. God, I don't even believe in him. I mean gosh."
   
===Einstein on [[Celebrity]]===
+
===Einstein on [[Education]]===
[[Image:The Ultimate Card.jpg|thumb|Einstein's Chuck Norris card proving that Chuck Norris evolves from [[Original Jesus|Jesus]]]]
 
* "The media wants a picture of me? I'll just stick my tongue out at them. ''That'' will teach them to be nosy... After all, what sort of fool would want to see a picture of me with my tongue hanging out?"
 
* "The most wonderful thing we can experience is [[Vin Diesel]]. He is the source of most art and all science."
 
* "[[Chuck Norris]] is the ultimate product of [[evolution]] and proof that [[God]] does exist, because Chuck Norris evolved from [[Jesus]] according to this [[Pokemon]] card I just collected."
 
   
===Einstein on [[Family]]===
 
* "So I married a woman who just happened to be my cousin. It isn't exactly rocket science."
 
* "Luke, ''I am'' your father."
 
* "No, I will not make out with you."
 
* "My grandparents were wonderful people. So I felt terrible that day, when I traveled back in time to kill them, just to disprove the Grandfather Paradox."
 
* "Beat that, mom! I told you I'd be a famous scientist some day! I told you that if you made me use hair jel on picture day I would purposefully create a machine that's sole purpose is to mess up my hair! Who has the last laugh now?"
 
* "I do. HA!"
 
 
===Einstein on [[Bees]]===
 
* "If the bees die, then so do we in four years."
 
* "I don't got bees, baby, I got sexual hives!"
 
* "I've had it with these motherfucking bees on this motherfucking plane!"
 
* "Bees make honey, people make money, gimme some money honey."
 
* "Buzz off like a bee!"
 
* "All this deal about me having 'more brains than any other damn person on the face of the planet' still didn't make me get why people like eating 'bee-spit'. Wait, you mean you didn't know that honey was actually bee-spit?!?...Well, then... DAMN YOU!!!"
 
*"shove this bee up your asshole!"
 
 
===Einstein on [[Education]]===
 
* "Read a motherfucking book!"
 
 
* "College is for those people who are too cowardly for the military."
 
* "College is for those people who are too cowardly for the military."
* "Ultra-Left-Wing college professors are wrong 99.6% of the time, the other 0.4% of the time is due to them making a wild ass guess."
 
* "Ultra-Right-Wing college professors are right 99.6% of the time, the other 0.4% of the time is due to them making a brain fart, and by right I mean right-wing and not correct."
 
 
* "I could never do Math, I was called a dunce and dumbkopf in school. Well who is the dumbkopf now? I'm one of the smartest men on the planet. Actually, I ''am'' the smartest man on the palnet! Kneel before me you walnut-brained half-wits!"
 
* "I could never do Math, I was called a dunce and dumbkopf in school. Well who is the dumbkopf now? I'm one of the smartest men on the planet. Actually, I ''am'' the smartest man on the palnet! Kneel before me you walnut-brained half-wits!"
* "Imagination is more important than knowledge, because in [[science]] we use our imagination to fake the data collected being correct on our theories and make up the hypothesis testing so that it looks correct. 99% of my theories and the theories in modern science are nonsense or bullshit. The remaining 1% are correct, but I'll never tell you which ones are correct. You'll have to figure that out on your own, dumbass!"
 
 
===Einstein on his [[Birth]]-Bed===
 
 
* "Quiero chupar las tetas grandes.¡Madre!"
 
* "Diarrea is the new salsa.
 
 
===Einstein on his [[Death]]-Bed===
 
* "See, what'd I tell ya?"
 
* "Nurse, do you speak [[German]]? I have something important to say in German, before I die. What, you don't speak German? Well, then... forget it."
 
* "My only dying regret is that I was never able to have sexual relations with someone while wearing an elaborate animal costume."
 
* "I put my hand upon your hip. When I dip, you dip, we dip."
 
* "Applause my friends, the science-fiction is over."
 
* "Another one of my dying regret is that I could never puck-up the guts to ask sweet Susie from high-school to go with me to the prom. What? she died a year ago? (gasp)... ''Oh well''..."
 
* "To am or not to is, that are the question ''(laugh)"
 
* "Of ''course!'' The secret... the secret to building a non-fuel-consuming faster-than-light warp drive is... '''Aaaackkkkk!'''" ''(wheeze)'' (gurgle) ''(silence)''"
 
 
===Einstein on [[Ploppy]]===
 
* "You couldn't ask for a better friend than Ploppy, though you could probably ''demand'' one."
 
* "Oh, [[Ploppy]]... ''you'll be the [[death]] of me someday!'' Now just fasten these electrodes to my penis and go stand in the corner."
 
* "Well... it's not likely to happen ''again,'' now, is it? I mean, whatever ''it'' is. And that's assuming it happened once already, obviously."
 
* "Ploppy, are you playing my [[trumpet]]? Dammit, if you can't restrict yourself to the non-spit-valve instruments like I've asked you to, then just go away and leave me to die in peace."
 
 
===Einstein on Einstein===
 
* "All my life has been leading up the point while i can justify my effigy being printed on a series of novelty ties."
 
* "The truth is, I just say what the voices inside my head tell me to say."
 
* "Who the hell is Einstein? What! Really! Remind me to send him a cheque."
 
* "I think that someone will misquote me on this, but I'll say it anyway."
 
* "The [[newspaper]]s say I'm a genius who can't put on his [[Finding Your Inner Sock Puppet|socks]]. Well, the newspapers can kiss my [[ass]]."
 
* "I'm really disappointed that my guest appearance on [[Gunsmoke]] didn't launch a long and successful TV career."
 
*"I do not play dice."
 
*"Wait, is he that funny guy on the dollar?...No?...Oh well, he's too handsome to be in EVERYBODY'S pocket."
 
* "Who the fuck is this?"
 
* "YES! I have successfully created a clone!"
 
* "Well, that sounds wrong."
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
Line 156: Line 41:
 
* [[Einsteinian Physics]]
 
* [[Einsteinian Physics]]
 
* [[Quantum physics|Quantum Physics]]
 
* [[Quantum physics|Quantum Physics]]
* [[Fart Physics]]
 
 
* [[Math]]
 
* [[Math]]
 
* [[New Math]]
 
* [[New Math]]
Line 164: Line 48:
 
* [[Relativity]]
 
* [[Relativity]]
 
* [[Einstein's Malicious Theories]]
 
* [[Einstein's Malicious Theories]]
* [[Apples and oranges]]
 
----
 
{{note|DINO}}1. For more details, see [[Dino]].
 
 
{{note|MUAEQ1}}2. Moreover, the English translation of the name "Einstien" is "Bush," causing many to confuse the clone with [[George W. Bush]] - confusion made ''even worse'' by the fact that Bush's own clone is named "Albert Einstein." No one has successfully explained why this is (it is thought to be the result of an unrelated [[DNA]] mixup), but whenever Bush becomes angry or [[kitten huffing|huffs kittens]], the cloned version is forced to take over the reins of the [[United States Government]].
 
   
 
[[he:איןציטוט:אלברט איינשטיין]]
 
[[he:איןציטוט:אלברט איינשטיין]]

Latest revision as of 20:17, December 12, 2013

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"Do you like the new 'do? I think it makes me look a bit, I don't know... silly."

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Einstein holding tourniquet

"You're a fool if you even look at this picture."

Like most people, Albert Einstein was born, however, he was born with a full set of teeth and a head of grey hair. This is why he is never pictured without them, even in pictures of him when he was "younger". Many feel that he is, in fact, immortal, and simply emerged from his mothers womb after a bet with some drinking buddies. Like Oscar Wilde, Winston Churchill, God, and Christopher Walken, Albert Einstein is often misquoted - and worse, many lesser scientists have stolen his quotes as their own. To add to the confusion, Einstein also conducted several disastrous time travel and wormhole experiments, traveling to many different worlds and time periods, where he was also heavily quoted.

edit Famous Quotes by Albert Einstein

edit Einstein on Science

  • A little knowledge is dangerous, so is a lot. I guess this makes me the most dangerous person in the universe.
  • "Imagination is more important than knowledge, but big tits have them both beat."
  • "You don't have to have a good theory to be a good scientist. Just one that can't be proven wrong until years after you're dead!"

edit Einstein on Physics

  • "Did the chicken cross the road, or did the road cross to the other side of the chicken?"
  • "Time will tell. Sooner or later, time will tell."
  • "There are only two constants in this universe. The speed of light is 3x10^8 m/sec and an egg boils in 3 minutes. Armed with these two pieces of knowledge I have had years of scientific breakthrough over breakfast with runny eggs and toast soldiers."

edit Einstein on Other Physicists

  • "If I could go back in time and meet Sir Isaac Newton, I'd tell him the same thing I told him just last week, when I went back in time to tell him about some stuff."

edit Einstein on Politics

  • "Sixty percent of all statistics are wrong."
  • "Sixty percent of my hats don't fit."
  • "Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated penises."

edit Einstein on Religion

  • "God does not shoot craps, play video poker, or waste money on slot machines. If He did, though, the laws of probability would still apply."
  • "God does not play D&D! "
  • "As I reach further in my discovery of science, God becomes less and less and less and less and less and less and less real to me. God, I don't even believe in him. I mean gosh."

edit Einstein on Education

  • "College is for those people who are too cowardly for the military."
  • "I could never do Math, I was called a dunce and dumbkopf in school. Well who is the dumbkopf now? I'm one of the smartest men on the planet. Actually, I am the smartest man on the palnet! Kneel before me you walnut-brained half-wits!"

edit See also

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