Unobtainium
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| General | ||||||
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| Name | Unobtanium | |||||
| Symbol | Uo | |||||
| number | 999 | |||||
| Physical Properties | ||||||
| Melting point | 2075 °C, or maybe 2075 °F | |||||
| Boiling point | -7440 °C, or maybe -7440 °F | |||||
| Flavor | Delicious | |||||
unob·ta·ni·um (unob-tayn-ium)
An out-of-production solid element having 16 known isotopes, of which Un 238 is the most naturally abundant. Atomic number 9201; atomic weight 23.03; melting point 1,135°C; boiling point -4,151°C; specific gravity 18.95; valences 21, 31, 41, 51, 61. Usually encountered in replacement requirements of durable goods, most notably automobiles and refrigerators.
It should also be noted that spamcake is an unrefined form of unobtanium.
Contents |
[edit] Possible Uses
Unobtainium is the hardest and strongest chemical element known to man. It is so durable that a vessel made of unobtainium can send Donald Trump to the center of the Earth. Unfortunately, the vessel would also be strong enough to bring him back out as well. A two inch thick sheet of Unobtanium is enough to withstand and protect somebody in the midst of a nuclear explosion, because of this scientists hope to make with it, a solar lander for exploring the surface of the sun, if they can manage to find some. It has also been suggested that a structure like this could be used as a new government building, giving the President the option of a penthouse suite on the top floor, or a regular office downstairs. For more information on this proposal, see Natural selection.
Due to its hardness, Unobtainium could also be used to make the world's tallest building, a completely uncollapseable edifice almost one hundred million stories high. However, you'd better be careful not to exceed this critical level, as the building would otherwise suffer unacceptable wear from the moon scraping off the top couple of floors. However this problem is easily solveable by simply building above a latitude of 29.12 degrees (subject to slight adjustment). Alternatively, a Very Expensive Sharp And Pointy Thing could be attached to the top of the tower so instead the bottom of the moon is scraped off.
However, the only problem with creating such starscraping (or moons-scraping) structure would be the obvious lack of need, not to mention Un. With the ability to make both underground capsules AND supergiant buildings, unobtainium would be the most useful element on the idiotic table, if only we could actually get some.
[edit] Theories Behind the Nature of Unobtainium
Alchemists predict that Unobtanium could be used to generate perpetual motion, manipulate light and energy, impede ESP, warp time and space, physically beat evil spirits, mass produce the philosopher's stone providing immortality, cure cancer, react with lead to make unlimited gold, bring alchemy back as a legitimate study, and actually allow Alchemists to get girlfriends. Various renowned scientists recognize differing theories regarding the true nature of Unobtainium (but they don't give a damn as to what alchemists think). These serve to predict the logic behind the unobtainability of this majestic element. The long standing debate seems to finally be drawing to a close and leading researchers in the field claim that a definite answer will be available to free download by the year 2666. Currently, the theories of Unobtainium’s nature are divided into three distinct categories.
[edit] Nobody Knows Where It Is
This popular theory is one advocated by Doctors Einstein and Who. It states that Unobtainium cannot be obtained because nobody knows where it is. For many years in the middle ages, this theory was outlawed by the Catholic Church for making too much sense. However, after FDR stabbed prohibition, the Nobody Knows Where It Is theory became the most commonly held belief in human history. It has since dropped in popularity due to the large number of people claiming to have hidden Unobtainium in the first place. The theory continues to survive because these claims can be largely attributed to concussions, kitten huffing and alien abductions. But it is a common theory that you need an action replay to get it. Alchemists believe it can be found in The Place Where All The Missing Socks Go after disappearing from the dryer (not that anyone cares what they think).
[edit] We Can’t Get To It
The second theory of Unobtainium is that there is some force stopping us from getting to it. A long list of these things was compiled. Unfortunately, this list was later sentenced to death for 1st degree murder of seven children. A few of the items on the list included a wide crevasse, a tall mountain range, inefficient gravitational pull, booby traps, a small black hole, and a small picket fence and a small annoying poodle you could drop-kick over the small picket fence. It is quite clear to see how these could've prevented access to the Unobtainium. This suggests that Unobtainium could be harnessed to apply this force as antigravity assuming somebody obtained it and lived.
[edit] It Is Too Hot
The third and most likely theory is that all of the Unobtainium is very hot. This could be because a burly, kilted Scotsman lit it on fire, somebody left it in the oven for too long, or that it is located somewhere either on or inside of Jessica Alba. Because it is so hot, nobody wants to touch it. Therefore, it cannot be obtained.
[edit] Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris filmed himself roundhouse kicking through a 12-foot thick sheet of what he claimed to be Unobtainium, but Nobody can find the footage, leading scientists, including Your mom to believe that the footage is also made out of Unobtainium. Anybody else?
No?
I just dropped some unobtainium on my foot .... it didn't hurt
OK, now it hurts. (dies)
