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Thursday, March 26, 2015, 09:45 (UTC)
Bottled water
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HONG KONG, China -- The Chairman of Nestlé has declared that “Water is a human right,” at the Credit Suisse Asian Investment Conference here, as his associates raised toasts with Perrier.

The new human right would seem to extend to cases where the natural endowment needs to be trucked in, desalinated, or have someone pluck out the cow feces. Full story»


Time
AUSTIN, Texas -- Bills are being drafted across ten states to ban the use of time, a move that should eliminate rotting food, late trains, and arguments at the end of track meets.

Texas State Rep. Dan Flynn (R-Snake's Hips) argues that abolishing time — inflexible, invisible, and odorless — will make traffic accidents a thing of the past, and will stop expensive procrastination and sour milk with a single swipe of the pendulum. Full story»

Funeral01
LEICESTER, United Kingdom -- England's most prolific killer, King Richard III, was presented to the public in a brand new coffin inside Leicester Cathedral.

Richard had died at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485 and for over 500 years his body had been lost to view, buried in a car park and forgotten. The city council expected a tourist rush to share the 'Richard' experience. Full story»


Howard Schultz
SEATTLE, Washington -- In the wake of Starbucks' campaign to raise customer awareness of race, competitors are scrambling to get a leg up.

This favorite coffee chain of the left wing has tasked its wait staff to treat customers as though they don't already obsess over racial parity. The activism itself will not have racial parity, because the chain is curiously absent from cities having a lot of African Americans. Full story»

Tsipras
ALL OVER THE PLACE, France -- An Airbus A320 has mysteriously crashed over southern France. However, Senior UnNews Editors with intimate knowledge of southern France say the crew probably wanted a better view of the topless beaches on the French Riviera. And who wouldn't?

Greek Prime Minister Tsipras (pictured) got a kick out of the fact that mayhem and calamity "can happen to you Germans too." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights March 26


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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