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Tuesday, September 16, 2014, 13:45 (UTC)
Braveheart
HOLYROOD, Republic of Scotland -- The implications of a 'Yes' vote are becoming clear, as the World Court in The Hague has ruled that secession would void every contract or agreement ever made that spans Scotland and the Mother Country.

David Cameron said that, after withdrawing its Queen and its banks, England will withdraw all its currency. England will not stay on the pound either; the former United Kingdom (fUK) will devise an electronic money to be known as the Britcoin. Full story»


LochNessMonster1
EDINBURGH, Scotland -- Scotland's beloved 'beastie', the Loch Ness Monster, says she will go south if Scotland votes in favour of a breakaway from England next week.

'I had to be sure my pension would be secure. My last pension was with T.Rex Bank which was wiped out by an asteroid hit about 65 million years ago,' said the serpent. Full story»

KateCambridge1
LONDON, United Kingdom -- The Duchess of Cambridge's announcement that she is pregnant is Prime Minister David Cameron's last-gasp effort to stop Scotland from becoming an independent country.

Cameron said, 'When we received reports that Alex Salmond and his gang were about to win the referendum, I told Prince William to leave his johnnies in the box.' Full story»


Bushobama
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama told the U.S. he will send an additional 475 troops into Iraq — despite hints that ISIL enjoys striking symbolic targets on anniversaries even more than Batman's enemies used to.

Obama said the troops' mission is training and support and not combat. This means they will advise the Iraqi army on how to practice racial sensitivity, read combatants their rights, avoid bullying, and not over-react to being shot at. Full story»

WalMart service
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas -- Gigantic retailer Walmart cracked the whip yet again on its indentured "sales associates," by dictatorially requiring them to dress appropriately for work.

The creativity-killing ukase replaces the typical garb of a Walmart "associate," which was a T-shirt with playful slogans such as "Occupy Wall Street" or "Look for the Union Label," or photos of Che Guevara sure to elicit smiles from customers. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 16


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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