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Straight talk, from straight faces

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Monday, December 5, 2016, 00:46:59 (UTC)

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Fake News
CYBERSPACE, The Final Frontier -- U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has drawn a big, red bull's eye on the back of news services such as UnNews.

Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), the spokeswoman for Trump's transition team, told the press that Internet Service Providers should be "obligated" to prevent "bogus news articles" from reaching hungry viewers. Incredibly, some have called even UnNews "fake." There is a risk the next President will shut us down, faster than webhost Wikia "Fandom" can eliminate bare tits in favor of Brony fangirl rants. Full story»


Digvijaya Singh
NEW DELHI, India -- Digvijaya Singh, general secretary of the Congress Party, has tweeted, "Shouldn't we include Hacking in next Olympics?" Either that, or someone hacked into Twitter and tweeted it for him.

The Congress account was recently hacked, resulting in calls for the nation to lob "a nuke or two" at Pakistan and for Prime Minister Narendra Modi to "accept Christ into your life." A hacking biathlon could have separate competitions in choosing an easily guessed password and writing it down on Post-Its placed on one's monitor at work. Full story»

No to Farage
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Brexit-champion Nigel Farage is ready to immigrate to the U.S., joining millions of squeegee men and welfare cheats from Latin America to Ukraine. Farage said he would feel "freer" in America to make hare-brained proposals, apparently unaware that the U.S. has no federal referendum at all.

Farage would still have to learn about the concept of states, and select one to live in. The smart money is on California, where virtually anything can be put up to a November vote. And, it has porn stars. Full story»


Air conditioners
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump reported progress in keeping the state of Indiana from picking up and moving to Mexico, using fifteen Twitter tweets, most sent on Thanksgiving.

VP-elect Mike Pence assisted by holing up in the Indiana Governor's Office and refusing either to come out or to walk toward the south. Full story»

Factory floor
ST. PETER'S GATE -- The Heavenly Father has given "airtight" assurances to Donald Trump that the sun will not stop rising, at least not before his inauguration.

Trump jawboned the Almighty following tweets to Ford Motor Company not to pull out of Kentucky. But it is the Focus, built in Dearborn, that Ford was moving to San Luis Potosí, and even that factory was staying open, to block jobless claims by ex-workers. Full story»


Trump Tower 1
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans went to vote at the polls in large numbers, clogging up not just voting systems but the Canadian immigration website as Donald Trump came from behind.

The day was a series of screw-ups, most notably that the closing time for polls was several hours later than the opening time for bars, added to by an unfortunate effort to attract millennials uninterested in either 70-year-old candidate by putting legalization of pot on the same ballot. Full story»

Donald Trump hair
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nearly 3 in 4 Americans told pollsters that they believe Donald Trump was elected President. Those who disagree said it is probably not worth shooting a policeman over.

The results involved 865 adults or children trying to make their voices deeper, adjusted by discarding enough Republicans to give an accurate portrayal — the same process pollsters had used to predict a Hillary Clinton landslide. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights December 5


Joy Hour Religion
TBN 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Up and coming pastors ask for financial support in exchange for joy.

British Farce British Farce
BBC America 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Some generically named, impossible to understand British farce.

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Quinn takes a hilarious look at the double-slit experiment through silly song and dance.

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