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Wednesday, April 26, 2017, 17:43:59 (UTC)

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LONDON, England -- Prime Minister Theresa May has called for an early election on June 8th — and in the style of Linkin Park's new song 'Good Goodbye'. Full story»
BRUSSELS, Holy Euro Empire -- The Empire has finished construction of the Brexit Wall in time to be ready when the British invade continental Europe with their buttered scones and football hooligans.

Looking out to sea, Chief Hun Angela Merkel said, "Europe is ready for anything the English throw at us...including their rubbish." Full story»

Vulture Stone
GOBEKLI TEPE, Turkey -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Experts at the University of Edinburgh say mysterious symbols carved into stone pillars here (left) confirm that multiple comet strikes (right) hit earth at the same time as a mini-ice age known as the Washa Dryas.

Anthropologists say the carvings are not simply a pair of crows carrying a horse, as they would seem to the untrained, but represent a shower of comet fragments hurtling to earth to cause global cooling. Full story»

Earth's core
YOKOSUKA, Japan -- The Japanese are preparing to drill down to the Earth's mantle, a region 6 miles down, beneath the Earth's crust, which is plenty hard in its own right, though flaky and savory.

The JAMSTEC agency would be the first research institute ever to do this, and in fact has already completed its application to the Guinness Book of World Records. Japanese scientists hope to validate theories that the innermost region tastes like bubble gum. Full story»

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- Former astronaut Cleatus "Buzz" Aldrin returns to the sky on Sunday with the world-famous Thunderbirds.

Aldrin, 87, is renowned not just for spawning dozens of cartoon characters named "Buzz" but for a singularly horrible sense of direction, diverting the Apollo 11 Mars mission to the Moon. When Aldrin turned up here for the Melbourne Air and Space Show on Sunday, no one was surprised that he missed Melbourne, Australia by thousands of miles. Full story»

SYRIA -- After graphic video of Arabs doing gruesome things to fellow Arabs, yet another U.S. President with an outlandish surname used the armed forces to send a message — and incidentally, un-stall domestic politics — 19 years after bombing an aspirin factory to get Monica Lewinsky off the Front Page.

Trump informed the Russians in advance and the two nations agreed that America would call Russia "incompetent," Russia would call America "reckless," and no cities in either country would be reduced to dust. The conversation was gentlemanly, otherwise the CIA, which was never wiretapping Trump but only Putin, would have leaked the transcript to the New York Times by now. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights April 26

Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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