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Thursday, May 28, 2015, 18:39:59 (UTC)

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SeppBlatter
ZURICH, Switzerland -- In a tough 'early bird' game between FIFA and the USA FEDS in the Zurich Baur au Lac Hotel reception, eight players were red-carded, handcuffed, and taken out under a blanket to avoid further humiliation.

FEDS manager Barack Obama said it was a 'great victory for American Soccer,' which marked his country's decision to annex the game and run it out of Washington, D.C. in future. Full story»


Trevor Baylis
LORDS CRICKET GROUND, London -- Trevor Baylis, 78, the inventor of the wind-up radio, is the England cricket team’s new head coach.

The team lined up to hail the success of a really nice old chap landing himself “the big job.” However, others concluded that winning the Ashes just got a little bit harder. Full story»

Joe-biden
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Vice President Joe Biden phoned the Iraqi government to patch up relations between the two countries.

Unfortunately, the Islamic State sent actual policymakers to meet with national leaders in person. However, the city's outer defenses were still holding and they couldn't get in. Full story»


Richiii
LEICESTER England, -- Just three years after the discovery of King Richard III under a car park, thousands of car park managers are discovering British Kings under their car parks.

After the Royal Family paid 520 years' backlog of parking fines, Philippa Langley has been inundated with calls from car park owners, claiming to also have Kings buried under their car parks. Full story»

Obama and Malia
BURETI, Kenya -- Kenyan Felix Kiprono has offered a handsome dowry for Malia Obama, 16, daughter of the President.

The bid of 70 sheep, 50 cows, and 30 goats activated the White House Situation Room to determine whether higher bids would be forthcoming from another source. Several aides prepared an auction on eBay, but could not find any personnel who know how to operate a website. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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