UnNews:Main Page

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from Unnews)
Jump to: navigation, search
UnNews Front Page

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 23:37:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

UnNews Logo Potato1"AD ASTRA
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- NASA is planning a mission to Psyche, orbiting between Mars and Jupiter, which is made up of iron, nickel and gold.

The iron alone, worth $10,000 quadrillion, would cause the economy to promptly collapse altogether, as the spot price of the shiny stuff would plunge down the number line into negative numbers. Full story»

UnNews Logo Potato1PER ASPERA"
LONDON -- Prime Minister Theresa May has launched her “Global Britain” campaign, by firing a space rocket towards the centre of the galaxy, as part of a potential trade deal with aliens from outer space, so as not to have to take aliens into the UK.

The campaign is turning to the Wolf-Rayet Cluster in Sagittarius A, where the pound has been rallying against the Ascellian Zeuro. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Several groups are jumping the gun at Donald Trump's vow to "drain the swamp" by pulling the plug themselves. The federal union announced 30% job cuts, stating that the right-wing threat to the ability of workers to join unions is best addressed by ceasing to ask them to.

Then the Clinton Family Foundation announced that "heads would roll," ending an internal debate on whether it was worse optics to fire staff or to fail to do so. Full story»

The President — who assured an anxious nation that it would not matter that Congress had rejected his signature initiatives, because "I have a pen and a phone" — no longer has an Obama-phone. He might not have an Obama-pen, either.

Callers do not reach eager young interns but instead get a recorded message. It assures them "your comment is important to the President." Whatever it was. Full story»

NEW YORK CITY -- Michelle Obama was left teary-eyed after Stevie Wonder revealed a steamy affair with the outgoing First Lady. "I love you Michelle," the music legend crooned.

Clearly, somebody was going to be in serious trouble for not telling Wonder he was on television. Full story»

Ali Baba
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump met with Ali Baba, an Arabian woodcutter, who promised to bring one million "e-commerce" jobs to America.

Mr. Baba said farmers and clothing makers could tap e-shoppers from China, from out-of-the-way places like Indiana, which used to produce air conditioners. Each American company would have to add one employee each to fill out new federal export forms, resulting in the national total of one million. Full story»

LONDON -- Striking tube workers today have brought travel chaos to the capital, as London Underground bosses immediately agreed to boost driver salaries to £45,000 to pull a couple of levers every four minutes and tick “strike” on a ballot every three months or so.

The vast majority of underground lines closed when rail bosses offered no resistance to demands. The two sides say they are prepared to prolong the strike until bosses return to the table to work on finding an opposing position. Full story»

Jim Politician-2
LONDON -- “Artificial intelligence” is driving government ministers’ decision-making. Utilising the full ZX Spectrum of manufactured mindfulness, Theresa May, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson have been outperforming heavy hitters such as Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un and Benjamin Netanyahu.

Pseudo intelligence has even guided Andrea Leadsom — Minister of the Forest and Rural Affairs — despite not being switched on, in her recent speech to Oxford farmers. Full story»

Trending Now
Second Front Pages: BrexitHillary!TrumpUK 2015 electionGreece

Write a new UnNews story:±

UnNews needs you! If you've got an idea for an article...then sod off and type it into Minitrue. But if you can actually write a complete story, then enter the headline in the box below, then click the button to create your own UnNews article!

Read Me FirstFrom the ChiefStyle GuideNewsroom

Minitrue ± What's This?

Recent UnNews Audio ± Podcast | Archive.

About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

Current event marker

Today...only, last year

TV Highlights January 17

'George the Edgy Children
Disney 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"George Does Drugs" George is offerred drugs, and forgets that winners don't do drugs.

Holy Shi.... Shit Fiction
ShiTV 4:20 AM weEDT/3:20 CDT
In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

South Park Adult Animation
Comedy Central 10:00 PM EDT/9:00 PM CDT

Personal tools