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Thursday, February 11, 2016, 17:11:59 (UTC)

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LONDON, England -- The United Grand Lodge of England will permit eagles of the Metropolitan Police to become Freemasons. The decision aligns the birds of prey with their human and canine counterparts.

Met Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe had employed 600 of the predators to deal with inner-city petty crime, as police in the Netherlands use eagles in Amsterdam against criminals who are especially high. Full story»

Hillary Clinton sunglasses
MANCHESTER, New Hampshire -- Hillary Clinton reorganized her campaign after her 60-39 loss to Bernie Sanders here. Sanders scored big with college students amassing six-figure debt to major in Gender Grievance Studies by promising them they could do so without amassing debt at all.

The Clinton campaign put out a press release stressing the importance of everywhere else, and calling the defeat "long anticipated." But the spokesman's corpse was found beneath a tree in a public park. Clinton said she would consent to a police search, if everyone else consented first. Full story»

Bernie Sanders MVP
UnNews Logo Potato1SUPER BOWL 50
SANTA CLARA, California -- The Denver Broncos defeated the Carolina Panthers 24 to 10 in Super Bowl 50. Peyton Manning is planning to retire. Cam Newton is a popular player. But Vermont senator and 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was voted most valuable player.

At midfield, Sanders went into a tirade. "Only the top two teams get to play the Super Bowl! The other 93.75 percent? They get shut out! It's time to start a football revolution!" Full story»

LONDON, United Kingdom -- British PM David Cameron declared, in a speech on the wireless last night, that he achieved 'all his aims' after a recent trip to Brussels.

He said he had 'averted a long war' that would have caused huge suffering within the Conservative Party. Full story»

Cambridge Uni 03.02.16
LONDON, United Kingdom -- Cambridge University applicants are to undergo 'face tests' during enrollment.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn supported the move, "As long as you don't discriminate against terrorists. Terrorists are important to our society." Google face-recognition software may allow further uses of the data, along with a stand-alone procedure called the ASS-levels. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights February 11

Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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