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Monday, August 3, 2015, 20:31:59 (UTC)

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Cameron-speech
BRUSSELS, Belgium -- David Cameron has informed exasperated Brussels officials that the UK wants "a better deal." He did not specify why the deal needed to be better, nor what would render it sufficiently better, two things that might make it impossible to negotiate.

European legislation is crippling the cucumber business, decimating pet shops, and has put the important Conservative constituency of weapons dealers into a downturn for the first time since 1914. Full story»


DavidCameronSwat1
LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced extensive measures to fight 'swarms of illegal ants' trying to enter the country and blocking the French port of Calais.

Cameron says the 'fight' against the large ants — of type 'migr' — will be equal to anything the country had faced in 1940 when Hitler had conquered Europe. Full story»

Grads
DURHAM, New Hampshire -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Experts in the United States have published the annual revision of the list of words it is offensive to utter.

Educators compiled 50 terms dealing with class, ethnicity, disability, and sodomy that it would be unacceptably painful for anyone to hear, especially if anyone had completed university orientation. Full story»


Sewel
WESTMINSTER, London -- Lord Sewel insisted that video footage allegedly showing the Peer snorting cocaine off two prostitute's chests was merely a misinterpreted "family video."

Sewel added that, despite these accusations, he has no intention of quitting his position as arbiter of standards and conduct in the House of Lords. Full story»

Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, D.C -- The U.S. Senate met in a rare Sunday session so that both political parties could show they had not grown rusty at hypocrisy.

The occasion was the highway spending bill, on which both parties were allowed amendments. Republicans got to vote to repeal Obama-care, as it had been weeks since such a vote. Like the previous four dozen votes, it had no actual effect. Democrats, for their part, revived the Export-Import Bank — then resumed bashing the rich. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights August 3


Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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