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Thursday, April 28, 2016, 23:18:59 (UTC)

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LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Astronaut Tim Peake has inspired millions of UK sports fans to run the London Marathon from their living room sofas.

As Mr Peake is completing the 26.2 mile course while strapped to a treadmill, millions of Britons will join him, aiming for a minimum time of three hours of uninterrupted sofa-time. Full story»


Cruz with halo
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Presidential campaign of Ted Cruz announced that it plans to lose in Oregon and New Mexico, while Kasich will "mail it in" in Indiana. Neither campaign mentioned the Northeast, where both are certain to lose this Tuesday even without coordinating.

Denying Donald Trump a 1,237-vote majority on the first ballot in Cleveland would open the door for wheeling, dealing, back-stabbing, and treachery, the fields at which Republicans perform best. Full story»

Fiorina behind Cruz
CORN-ON-COB, Indiana -- The campaign of Ted Cruz is finally ready for electroshock, as headlines were not captured by the deal with John Kasich to throw key states, nor announcing it to the very voters they were writing off, nor reneging on it before it reached one day of age.

Consequently, Cruz is moving forward with a series of desperation moves, starting with the announcement of Carly Fiorina as his pick for Vice President. Full story»


Barack-Obama1
WINDSOR CASTLE -- USA President Barack Obama bowed deeply to Britain's first Muslim ruler, Queen Elizabeth II, who delighted the large Muslim community by 'coming out' for Islam. The move will involve the circumcision of Prince Charles and Prince William. But Prince George will get a Prince Albert.

The Queen's surprise decision was put down to a genuine 'change of faith' and not a sign she had lost the family marbles. Full story»

Breivik selfie
OSLO, Norway -- Anders Breivik has won his appeal to the Supreme Court of Norway that Norway violated his human rights.

The Chief Justice intoned that, "As we cannot protect any human rights of the 77 corpses that Mr. Breivik left lying around, our law compels us to attend most scrupulously to his own human rights." Full story»


Porkyloin
PADSTOW, Cornwall -- Mobile internet users are turning to portable roast pork loins to access high-speed internet.

The discovery that the UK’s highest wireless data transfer speeds can be gained through their favourite roast dinner choice has been a boost for the farming industry, but a concern for Twittering vegans. Full story»

Trump wants you
BUFFALO, New York -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Donald Trump spoke with passion at a rally here about the victims of the 7/11 attacks: "I watched our police and our firemen down at 7/11 right after it came down."

Policemen do spend hours down at 7/11, just in case a robber comes in. So do firefighters, but firemen were nowhere near, as locomotives bypass Lower Manhattan. Firefighters also go to Cumberland Farms and even Wawa, which also sell corn dogs, but Trump omitted them entirely. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights April 28


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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