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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Friday, April 24, 2015, 18:19 (UTC)
Rosette-sotm
UnNews provides rosette-to-rosette coverage of the upcoming British general election. On 7 May, Brits are to elect 650 MPs (Military Police) with a view to making one of several really silly people the face of the nation (pending the ceremonial wink from Her Majesty). Full story»
Kazoo
UnNews Logo Potato1TAX SEASON '15
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Callers to the Internal Revenue Service stayed on hold for an average 95 minutes (with a recorded message that 'Your call is very important to us' once a minute or so).

Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) tried to investigate but was put on hold for three hours. His committee discovered that the IRS had bought kazoos, rubber ducks, and a public opinion poll regarding the agency, as if there were any doubt. Full story»


Aircraft carrier 2
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The United States is moving an aircraft carrier toward Yemen, where it will be in position to do nothing.

A Pentagon spokesman for the Army denied that the ships were sent into the Gulf of Aden to block Iran from resupplying rebels in Yemen. A Navy spokesman said the U.S. has not boarded another ship since the start of the month, and that was merely an "April Fool." However, the U.S. is always looking for better recipes for couscous. Full story»

Cocaine haul
SAN DIEGO, California -- The U.S. Coast Guard cutter Boutwell, carrying more than 14 tons of cocaine, returned to Snow Station Zebra after an operation off the coast of Central and South America. Vice Admiral Charles Michel described the result as "some of the best shit I've ever tried."

The haul is destined for baseball ballparks across the nation. New rules to speed up the game force batters to remain in their "box." To encourage this, the white lines have been completely reformulated for the new season. Full story»


Mall garbage
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Dismayed organizers of the annual Earth Day concert are considering canceling the annual event after the city fined the organization for cleanup of the National Mall.

Patrons left the mall littered with 2.7 tons of debris. Organizers protested that they had placed three wastebaskets in the corner of the mall to accommodate styrofoam produced during the concert. Full story»

Apathy
WHITEHALL, England -- The UK has declared an official “state of apathy” and is on communication lockdown. The press release states that the 2015 election campaign has driven the population of the United Kingdom to not give a toss about anything until further notice.

The release advises international businesses to avoid calling the UK, as they will be left on hold until the exchange crashes, or whatever. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights April 24


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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