Uncyclopedia:Departure of Fun/Unlimited Unstory
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This is yet another of Uncyclopedia's visitor-generated stories, but this time there's a difference: there are no limits to the amount of words or sentences you can add. Feel like spinning an entire chapter? Go right ahead? Only want to start off a sentence? That's fine too! (But, just don't use any random word templates).
- Do not delete or change preceding portions, or else you will be
ambushed by 250 n00bs. Painfully.
- One exception: If the text starts to get inconsistent with itself, Footnotes can be added to the text of previous sections. You must imprison the added text between <ref> and </ref> tags. Fail to do so and you will be
ambushed by 250 n00bs.
- One other exception: Go ahead and correct some particularly atrocious spelling and grammar in a previous portion. But that'd better be all!
- Edit the Unstory by just adding as much text or as little text as you want - but you can only make one consecutive edit.
- All sentences must be finished. If someone starts a sentence, somebody must finish it.
- No templates of any sort are allowed either. That includes Mad Libs templates.
- Comedy linking is permitted.
- It must make sense! The limitations of the other Unstories resulted in them spiralling off into complete incoherence. Don't let this happen here!
- Please write an edit summary describing what you added. If you added just a sentence or less, include it in your edit summary.
- Don't forget to put
when a paragraph gets too long and thick.
- If the story seems to be over, feel free to finish the last sentence, write "THE END" and start a new story below that.
Thank you, and let the marvelous tale be spun!
Note: for the one-word-at-a-time Unstory, see here.
edit Unlimited Unstory
Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the beginning, on a bright cold day in April, it was a dark and stormy night - a screaming comes across the sky, and a flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his fascinatingly unique cheeseball making George Foreman Lean Mean Fart reducing bean machine, (henceforth CMGFLMFRBM, or "that darned ambulatory appliance that cost a bundle and doesn't work" as the Elemenstor called it), as they dashed (and teetered) in pursuit of their quarry. The Elemenstor (whose name was not Wilford) nervously fingered the tiny, gleaming Amulet of Yendor around his neck and rotated the Ring of Power around his left middle finger, in preparation for the annual Battle of the Beans that was to be held the following Tuesday evening. "Oh I wish", said the Elemenstor, "Oh how I wish the fellow Beanies and I can manage to attain that shining, unreachable goal; that blissfully pertinant wonder of wonders that is stage presence...". As the thought meandered through his brain, he stepped through a naturally occuring doorway to find his quarry - cornered! Swiftly he moved toward the lagomorph, pinned between its pursuer and a not-very-deep-but-just-deep-enough chasm. Producing his Catchy-Snatch Wand, he dived and swung... FNORD! FNORD!
...but alas! The creature leaped into the void rather than submit itself to capture. And with it the last hope of regaining the lost scrolls of Crinspot, vitally necessary to the Elemenstor if he is to ever Spot the Elusive Crin and regain sanity once again. Nevertheless, the Elemenstor would never give up hope, and this minor setback only served to strengthen his already iron hard resolve to continue in his quest; a quest of Determination, of Freedom, and above all: showing the world that it is possible to live under something other than the evil clutches of the terrible WikiAdmin, whose prowess at delivering intolerable discomfort to the so-called "Vandal" shall forever be scorched upon the minds and hearts of the "innocent".
The Elmenstor paused thoughtfully. "One day", he thought ruefully (and the thought echoed and rang to and fro within the empty recesses of his endarkened mind), "One day they'll pay for all they've done... Their cries will be heard for miles as I have imagined for years.
edit Unlimited Unstory: Part Dos
As Alex Murphy the paratrooper lit up his last brick, he decided he could no longer stay in this place where he was. He thought that if only he could reach the other side of the city, he would find the way out. But alas, the fumes from his brick overtook him, and he started to dream... FNORD! Throughout his whole life, as a glorified paratrooper, Murphy's addiction with brick smoking was evident of a troubled past. With a half-jew mother, a half-black father, and two-halves indian sister, his family was viewed of as a freak show. Interracial didn't even begin to describe what it was. They were like super-interracial. Sometimes, while he was high off bricks, he imagined giving birth to a baby that looked like a cow, and linked to www.1227.com , white skin with black spots. The thought horrified him and reminded him of the hideous subculture known to the general public as furries. FNORD!
Scarred by the images of his mother wearing cat suits with cat ears, speaking 1337 out loud to her babies. He skipped the furry fetish, and was damn glad for that fact. The one thing he couldn't hide was his need to be a chav. FNORD! Because of his bizzarre up-bringing, Murphy had a great feeling of loyalty. This strong ability for fidelity eventually lead to his role as Robocop, defencer of truth, justice and the american way. After serving as Robocop for several years, he decided to join the army. He decided this after breaking up a firefight between Boobahs and Tellatubbies. One of the bright, colorfull boobah beams hit him in the face, and he passed out. He later woke up in the local hospital with a body, and $460 in cash missing from a wallet he never had. With his new body, he went to join the war in Vietnam, even though it was long over. FNORD! After coming home from Vietnam, he grew boobs! Not believing it, he ran up to the glass window of a scientologist church. All of the old ladies who were masturbating to pictures of Tom Cruz instantly stopped masturbating and began retching at the disgusting sight of a black man with breasts. Instantly he ripped off his shirt, and began to twist his nipples. Shocking painful streams of pain flew down his jugular into his testicles. Imediately stopped short, he wondered if he still had his penis. So he reached down in horror to pull out four different penises! All of varying size and length. FNORD! "My god Murphy! How.. what! WHY DO YOU HAVE 4 OF THOSE?" beamed his gay partner, Julia. Her anatomy had shifted quite uncomfortably too- what the hell was going on? Before he knew what he was doing, he ran into the church and started picking up old ladies and pictures of Tom cruz. Once he couldn't hold any more, he had julia help him. Once they had a truckload of things to use as Sex toys, they piled into their pickup truck and drove back to their apartment. It was going to be a VERY interesting night for all involved. The janitor who had to clean up the resulting mess had this to say: "It was a horrible, horrible sight. Sorry my english not good. ¡DIOS DEL OH! ¡JESÚS DULCE PORQUÉ?!"" He was later carted off to an insaniqurium for further testing. FNORD! After his terrible sexual adventures, which were inter-related to his brick-smoking, Murphy joined Counseling and got off the brick. He began life anew. He was clean off the brick. He no longer randomly performed mindless acts of sex or violence, nor envisions himself doing so in anatomically impossible delusions. He no longer spends all his days shipping off to war, terrorizing children, or smoking brick. Through a workout and rehab program, he met and exceeded his old abilities, becoming faster, stronger, more powerful, and more committed to justice than ever. FNORD! The time had come for a change to this town. And Murphy was sure he was going to make it. He had overcome his constant desire for identity through attempts at racial, military, and sexual validation. Those insecurities had been replaced by an unquenchable thirst for balance, justice, and vengeance on the wicked. These are his stories. Though greatly incomplete, I will transcribe all I can from the surveillance videos recorded by the implantations in Robocop's brain. FNORD! I think Robocop, or maybe I'll just call him Murphy, really started in his prime after defeating D. Jones and reclaiming his old life as Alex Murphy. My fondest memory of Robocop's crime-fighting skills was of that one time where he went back in time and collaborated with Sherlock Holmes to stop what would otherwise be the biggest Jewelry theft in history. This is how it went. FNORD! The PlasticForks gang was a wiedespread British gang notorious for it's harmless, yet mildly illegal crimes. But recently, it had come under new leadership. A vicious spirit named Nhelly, who claimed to be from the future, declared and insisted that the new goal of the PlasticForks gang would be to 'rob the jewelry stores and tell them make us some grillz.' Because the centrally fascist gang protocols of England at the time, the subordinates of a gang had no choice to obey. To leave or be unloyal to the current leader of their gang, of their gang would mean signing their death warrant, it would also mean that they were being a totally uncool prick.
Murphy arrived at Holme's drafty office in 1870. Holmes, with his keen senses and analytical skills, could instantly tell that Murphy was from the future. "How did you know?" Asked Robocop. "You have a giant patent notice on your back which lists the date" replied Holmes smoothly. "Oh, yeah. Well, thanks for telling me, cause I can't see that part of myself in the mirror you know, and like, I guess I would never know otherwise." Robocop said. "Yeah, it's cool" said Holmes, leaning back in his chair and supporting his head with his hands. From that point on, they were friends and cohorts. Watson began to feel like a third wheel.
Up until this time, any jewelry store robberies of the plasticforks gang were petty and small. But a few days later, Murphy got wind of an interesting rumor - Nhelly and his gang warriors were planning a much larger, much more coordinated heist, that would be occurring at the end of November. Twenty locations were going to be hit at once. Some of the more seedy and sensationalistic gossips of England's underworld, known to exaggerate, even went so far as to claim he PlasticForks planned to steal the Crowned Jewels of England, and use the diamonds within to make themselves grillz.
Murphy approached Sherlock about this - who was quite concerned, realizing solving this case could mean paying off the 10,000-quid debt he had accumulated purchasing jello shots. "Say, Murphy, old chap," said Holmes, "you wouldn't mind helping me out on this one, would you? If not out of a personal favor to me, just because it would mean so much to England, and to justice in general." Murphy, being quite eager to make and keep friends after being sent back ~120 years, to a time when he didn't know anyone, quickly agreed. He would do what it takes. After a bit of friendly debate, they decided how to best approach the case.
And so it was, that on a blustery November second, Alex Murphy, Sherlock Holmes, and plain' ol' Watson got in a horse-drawn carriage and rode to London. They were going to get to the bottom of this massive theft plan, even if that meant plunging into all and any areas of crime, gang-violence, and England's underground necessary. They finally arrived in western London, got out of the carriage, and quickly walked towards their first destination. This is where they would start looking for knowledge. They arrived, and here they were. The Canutian tavern, named after the king of England of early 11th century. There was history to this place, but that didn't matter to Murphy, and barely to Holmes. They knew what they were looking for. It was stuff and things.
They opened the door and walked inside.
To be Continued
"Hola, where can I comprar never ending anus III?" a short fat man of hispanic decent asked the pr0n shop dealer.
"Right around the corner. Wait just a minute, boy... girl.. boy-uhh.. comrade, you aren't from around here. Where do ya hail from?" The Pr0n shop dealer looked slightly miffed with the foreigner.
"Si, me casa es located en airstrip one, Oceania, comrade." he replied
The bewildered pr0n shop dealer watched him go, a copy of "Double Penetrasain" nestled in his trenchcoat pocket. The night was young and the lonely pr0n shop dealer was the epitome of lonely. His name was Matt Kwong. He was of no Asian descent at all, but his last name was that of a Chinese. His mother received the surname by marrying a karaoke super star, Barry "long schlong" Kwong. Aside from ruling at karaoke, he was an underground pornstar extraordinare. He never met his father, he just inherited millions of extra copies of rare VHS's of his father and mother. His life began shaky. Family reunions weren't reunions at all, they were orgies.
"Hola! Hombre, are you day dreaming? Your hand is on your.. uhm.. meatstick, why? You dirty hentai pervert jerking off to me?" the Hispanic man shouted.
Suddenly, the pr0n shop dealer awoke from his daze instantly embarrassed with his Johnson exposed, all 2.5 inches of it. Oh how he wished he had been given his fathers glory rod. His sexuality was under no question. He was in fact straight as straight could be. He was not jerking off subconsciously to the man in the story, he was jerking off to the idea of brutally murdering him. Instantly the thought crossed his mind to take out a chainsaw and saw the bastards head off. Retaining this urge, he pulled up his pants and sold the man Never Ending Anus III.
But enough about the pr0n dealer, this is en story de one Bernard Sezzpistol. He just happened to be the one who rented Never ending anus III. He had been slowly building up a collection of videos. Bernard had traveled the globe looking for porn videos only available in small third world countries. Most were crap, but some he found were priceless gold. The sound of an old VHS tape rolling always turned him on, and he could jack off to the sound alone. When he got back to his trailer, he popped it in (the vhs to the VCR, perverts) and sat back for a night of lonely fun. Just then, he received a knock on the door.
Kind of dismayed about being interrupted but turned on by the mystery of a secret visitor, He slipped into a tiny pink see-through baby doll and 4 inch solid glass pumps. Dressing like a woman was where the fun was at. This, along with his other kinky fetishes, made most of the world ignore him and condemn him as a pervert. He heard the knock again, this time he could hear a little tinkling that sounded as if it was a motor. Could it be his VHS player? He didn't care, all the blood that would've been running to his head on his shoulders was instead rushing the the head of his penis that was disdainfully erect. The knock increased this time, and began to be furious banging.
Instantly he rushed to his trailer door and undid all 10 locks. Locks had always been a plenty for Bernard because he was always paranoid in his teen years after an accident where his mom walked in on him while he was jacking off to Dolly Parton exercise tapes. Suddenly, he had a flashback to the greedy beedy eyes of the Pr0n shop dealer. Oh, but it wasn't a flash back. Impatiently, the person knocking sliced down the door with a chainsaw and glared finally at the victim, Bernard, then chopped his body in half, leaving a pool of blood on the ground.
"Yea, that's right mother fucker! I have come to steal all your porn, I knew from the beginning you were an avid collector. Images of your collection with you pictured in it are all over the internet. I knew it was you the moment you stepped in the door with you gay air of finesse. You reeked of fabreeze, and so does your trailer." the pr0n shop dealer said over his dead body. Quickly he harnessed all of the pron into a suitcase and ran away writing " 1-3-3-7 " on the fuzzed out TV screen in blood. "Victim number one, dead." he said with a smirk. FNORD! Come the next day, there was a new shelf filled with new videos. Another customer came in, this time, it was impossible to tell the origin. He could be from anywhere. The pr0n dealer didn't even know if it was a guy or a girl, all he knew, was that *it* was going to rent a video. He didn't have to wait long, the *it* came over, and in his hand he held a video that only pure, hardcore furries could watch. FNORD! He scanned it and and said "Ooo, port-side, very good. I've never watched it all the way through myself, but then again, I'm no furry.". The *it* nodded and left, but what he didn't see was that the pr0n dealer was smiling, ever so slightly, and polishing a dirty chainsaw blade. Why didn't the it see this? Most likely because *it* was wearing a fursuit, which hindered *its* vision to that of an old person with one eye.
Later that night, the furry had *its* sex doll ready to jiggle, and its suit on. *it* popped in the video, and began to watch (among other things). What gender was it? What was its name? It was a female, but only a female by sex change surgery. Born named Jackson Huffy Kitty. After years "she" shortened "her" name to Huffy Kitty, a play on the satanic being named hello kitty. "Her" parents were pretty messed up in the head. One was from Japan, the other from Texas. The female of the two, named Beth Shaylor, had 3 tits and was famous for hirsute videos. The male of the two was a later-life bear pornstar. All of the facts cleared up, let's move back to the story.
As the furry got to the middle before the climax, just then (as with the night before) a knock on the door signaled someones arrival. "She" got up, angry that someone had disturbed "her" fapping. "She" looked through the peephole, and just barely recognized the glint of a concealed weapon. a BIG concealed weapon. "She" recognized the man, it was none other than the pr0n dealer. With an impatient look on his face, the man whipped out his small, tactical chainsaw (which was still pretty big) and cut the door down. The furry was so stunned it couldn't move. This proved to be a fatal flaw, as she was soon beheaded. The pr0n dealer grabbed both the furry head and the real head, put them in a sack and walked away. "Number 2" He whispered, gently using the dead furries tail to write on the linoleum floor " 1-3-3-7 ". FNORD! "Koin 6 News, I am Shelly Belly reporting on a murder cases obviously linked together!" blared the TV at the pr0n shop. A grin came across the masterminds face. He knew he'd never be caught. Even with the obvious marks of 1337 left every time, the similar murders, the Oregon police were too stupid to ever figure it out. There weren't even rumors about him being behind it all, that's how slow they are. He had the perfect crime. Since going to a porn shop was so avidly taboo, most people tried to deny even wanting to go there. All of the people he murdered were defenseless dilapidated insane perverts that no one cared if they died or lived. He was getting the sick greedy power he had always dreampt of. All to get back at his fucked up family and life. It was his destiny, his fucking sick twisted utopia. The guy was pretty much really fucked up. FNORD! He got up and turned off the TV set from the 1970's. He closed up the register, took down 3 various titles of porn and closed up the shop. Tonight he would return to his humble apartment, curl up in bed, masturbate to fall asleep, then wake up at 6:00 am like every other fucking morning to sell porn to the needy and seek out victims. FNORD! The next morning when he woke up, he got dressed, and went to his shop. Once inside, he found a note on the cash register. Puzzled, the note read as follows: "I know it is you. I challenge you to a battle, a battle to the DEATH. Come to the park at midnight. Signed, 31337". This troubled the pr0n dealer. He had never been in a pr0n battle before. He did not know what would happen, only that it would be bad. He closed shop up, and went to practice at home. This was undoubtedly part of his destiny.
When he got there, he decided which weapon to use. He decided his long-saw (a chainsaw bigger than most) and so, began to practice. He did not turn it on for fear of waking his neighbors (they're nocturnal, for some reason.). After several hours, he figured out perfected tactics using his weapon, and the theme to rocky played, an exercising montage playing.
At 11:45pm, he headed for the park. It was 11:53pm when he got there, and the park was deserted. Suddenly, all the lights went off, in sequence, until they reached the last one. A man stood there, his long hair topped by a fedora, black, so that he was just a shadow. Both men were wearing trench coats, and they both knew what was hidden beneath. Neither man talked for a long time, many minutes passed, neither shying away from the others gaze. Suddenly, there was a motion blur. Both men realized at the same instant that the other was attacking. Each revved up their saws in one fluid motion. The battle had begun.
The pr0n dealer attacked first, his saw making a wide arc, but the blow was parried by the saw of the other gentleman. The screeching sound carried through the distance, as clangs and screeches signaled a fight. Neither would give up until the other was dead, soon, however, they would run out of gas, and their bodies weren't doing much better. Just then, the pr0n dealer managed to connect with the enemies leg, blood squelched through and covered both men.
Though blood was leaking from his mouth, the fedora clad man managed to smile and say "You are undone. A bomb in your shop will go off once I die." The cackle that left his lips was finally silenced by a sickening crunch, as the pr0n dealer finished him off. It was over. He had won. Were the mans last words true? Would his coveted collection be destroyed? Only time would tell. He used the man's saw to scrape "1-3-3-7" into the dirt.
The Pr0n dealer was genuinely tired. He wanted to curl up and die. The thought of his shop being ruined made him puke. He decided he would return home and maybe the morning news or police would show some signs that his shop exploded. He returned home, dripping in blood.
Blam, clang, "Hey Bud", "Wanna fuck through the bars?" These phrases never went away. It has been 3 months since the night of the epic battle. Eternal hungriness, forever migranes, death of the soul, whatever you assign hell to.. prison. He was in it, he was stuck. On the night when he returned back to his home he knew he had been framed. His apartment was surrounded by cops and tragically he had been arrested. The person who they had set up to be the man in the fedora was actually a son of Stalin whom America was glad to get rid of. The man was told if he could win he was granted eternal freedom to do whatever he wished, no laws could stop him. The whole time, it was all planned. The cops arrested him and he was stuck, stuck in eternal hell, Prison, fucking prison.
He was sentenced to life in his mother's pussy. And eventually he planned to kill himself in any way possible. Hopefully he would get another person to help him break his neck inbetween the bars. Anything to rid him from this hell he was living. He wanted out, and he was tired of getting fucked up the ass. Was this part of his destiny?
"I fucking hate you, fuck you parents, fuck you fedora bastard, fuck you shemale furry bitch, fuck you president bush, fuck you condoleeza rice.. god fuck myself! I don't want to be taken advantage of anymore! Just get it over with!" he screeched. And it was over. His spinal cord broken, his mouth pooling of blood. It was all over.. finally...
edit Unlimited Unstory: Part Negative-Shree! [THE END MY ASS!]
Meanwhile... in a town far, far, faaaaaaaaarrr , very VERY FAAAAAAAAAARERRR - *gets hit with a mallet*
In a town far, far *braces for another mallet-beating* away, there lived a small baby pie named "Hermit".
Hermit was a great piece of pie, he was; however, today his mother was very very mad at him.
"Come 'ere you little scumbag!" His mother, Mamapie, screeched while stalking down the various corridors of the patch of grass that he and Mamapie lived on.
Please Hermit thought his little mind out, Please, pleeeeeease don't find me!
Hermit did not pray to every other pie that was bigger than him that his mother would not find him (as pies were not taught religion, Hermit did not know about the long-bearded one named 'God'); not because he did not love his mother, but because his mother was going to dress him up in little-lady clothes and sell him to Humans, so that Humans could eat him!
Hermit did not want to be eaten.
So, after he was sure that Mamapie was far away enough for him to be safely out of range of her Catapult that Catapults Catapults, he fled his furry little ass off in search of a better pie-life. Mamapie (because all mother-pies have a kiddi-sensitive radar) sensed this and tried to flee after Hermit. (Why Mamapie didn't use her 2nd sense to find Hermit in the first place is a mystery that only God and online-MMORPG-playing-gamers will know.)
HOWEVER, (dun DUN), because Mamapie was extremely obese from a common pie-condition called obesity, Mamapie could not run fast, nor far enough to catch little Hermit, and soon, exploded.
Ten metres away, on a completely alien area of grass-patch, Hermit halted his flee-ing-ment as he felt a wet, shplochh on his flat little head. He looked up, just in time for another big piece of Mamapie to fall on his face.
He looked around. The sight was amazing! Everywhere, as far as thee pie-eye could see, were bits and pieces of Mamapie falling around him. He danced around joyously as more and more pieces of Mamapie fell upon him.
The raining of Mamapie did not stop for a long time. In fact, it just kept on going and going! Soon, the bright green patches of grass turned to brown. Hermit associated this colour with Shit.
Eating up the lovely pieces of Mamapie, Hermit grew, bigger, stronger, more confident and much, much more obese. But not to worry, he would go on a diet later.
Hermit gathered up his newfound strength, and continued on with his journey.
edit Meanwhile, In Salt Lake City...
A man named Dr. Pets was mowing his lawn. Suddenly one of his pets darted out of nowhere and Dr. Pets accidentally ran it over with his lawn mower. He couldn't believe what just happened. It was Tim Horton's, one of his favorite ferrets. Thankfully, Dr. Pets was deaf, therefore he couldn't hear the gruesome sounds that must have come out of Tim Horton's mouth during impact. Dr. Pets quickly ran over to his beloved Tim Horton's, with tears in his eyes. He looked down at his long, white and furry companion, and cursed under his breath. He was much less sad than angry, angry at himself for this. For the murder of his very own pet! He would have to give Tim Horton's a proper funeral, it was the least he could do, so he picked Tim Horton's up and walked to the shed to get a shovel.
A few minutes later, Dr. Pets had finished digging the 3 foot deep hole in his back yard, beside the grave for Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's and Subway. They were his dog, cat, hamster and parrot respectively. He paid his last respects and buried Tim Horton's. Then, all of a sudden, he heard the sounds made by Tim Horton's when he first bought him from the pet shops downtown. He dared not to look back, for it would be too hard to bear: a final look at his 87th pet. He figured that the sounds were coming from his head.
Dr. Pets went back inside his house, to mourn.
Little did Dr. Pet's know, for Tim Horton's was not actually dead. His was alive and well, digging his way out of his 3 foot grave. He was mad! He was very mad! Tim Horton's knew that Dr. Pet's was deaf, so he couldn't hear Tim Horton's noises, but he also knew that Dr. Pet's wasn't blind. He should have seen that he was moving.
Tim Horton's wanted vendetta! he wanted REVENGE! He was going to show Dr. Pet's what it's like to be assumed dead, and he was going to get Hooter's, the mouse, to help him. Together they would prove that
(1 ferret plus 1 mouse equals 0 Dr. Pets.)
edit Meanwhile, In The Middle Of Some Random Road, New Jersey
Racey was named Racey because she did not like that letter 'T'. She also loved races, which is another reason why she is named what she is named. Although, she hated sports. She would much rather count trees.
As she wandered the empty roads, sulken and lonely, she wondered if there be more trees coming her way. Of course, she hated walking, so she decided to sit down.
A green car passed, and stopped before Racey. The window was then let down, as the driver inside asked her, "would you like a ride along this empty road so you will not be sulken and lonely and can count more trees?"
Racey thought for a moment, and then replied, "Yes."
As Racey approached the car, she remembered about learning about Stranger Danger at school, and asked the driver, "Will you punch me, or hurt me, or drug me, or do sex with me?"
"No," replied the woman driver.
And with that, Racey entered into the car, and counted the new-found trees happily as they drove on.
edit Meanwhile, In Front on Your House...
Hermit rolled and rolled on the fresh green patch of grass outside on your lawn. (Pies could not pant and puff, so they had to find something else.)
Hermit then just happened to have glanced up, and saw an amazing sight: a blue sky. Hermit had never seen a blue sky before. No, not ever since his hallucination of paradise. But this time, it's for real.
Hermit then realises that he is in fact, in New Zealand. This is mostly because of the funnily-spelt words in this story; however, it is also because of the dozen-or-so sheep attacking and trying to get a bite of his leg. (The pie-species have been so evolved, by now, that the they have arms and legs and an eye.) As Hermit struggled to flee the herd of sheep, he realised that he could not possibly be in Front of Your House, as most of Uncyclopedia readers are from the US. And with that, he poofed away. (The pie-species have also evolved in the art of magic too, and they are all now magical. If you step on one, you will immediately pick it up - just like you do on Runescape. They are extremely powerful; their power only rivalled by the amazing tomatoes.)
edit Meanwhile, On a Random Road in The State That's Beside New Jersey
No, the other one.
Racey and her new driver-friend sped down another road, count many various trees. However, just as Racey suspected, it was all too good to be true.
The car stopped abruptly with a screech.
Inside, Racey's driver-friend turned to her with a chilling smile upon her... face? She then unmasked herself...
to reveal that...
...she is actually...
MAMAPIE! Racey gasped in shock as the readers gasped with her. HOW COULD SHE BE ALIVE?!?!!
But just then Racey was ubducted by a fire extinguisher and was taken to another planet where she was thrown at stones, they too had said the word jehovah just this was a weird world where people were thrown at stones instead.
"Huh?" Racey tilted her head in confusion as she stared at the now-very-thin pie driving the green sedan. She strugged it off and continued counting the trees.
"TURN AROUND YOU IMBECILE!" Screeched Mamapie as Racey turned.
"You have the Hermit-radar, do not deny! I want you to lead me to Hermit this instant! And you will obey me because I am a Stranger and I am dangerous!!!"
With this, Racey had no choice but to obey. However, swearing to all the trees that she has counted so far, she sincerely hoped that Hermit would be okay.
edit Meanwhile, in Salt Lake City (2)
A man named Dr. Pets pushed a supermarket trolley along the road and ran over a cat. The man was then eaten by a grue. He fought against the grue long and hard, but even though he had George W. Bush on his side the grue was too powerful and slowly began to eat his legs. In a desperate move he summoned every ounce of knowledge from Holocaust Tycoon to defeat the grue. This was a bit pointless, and just before he died he worked out the meaning of everything. Just goes to show you that life a bitch, and the only useful thing you will ever do will be in the last 3 seconds of your life.
to be continued...
[spooky music] ooooooWEEEEEEEOOOOOOOHHHHH
Julia stared bemusedly at the screen. I have to stop watching the Sundance channel, she thought, or my brain is going to short circuit. Just like Murphy and the bizarre nightmare he'd told her about, brought on by watching a Tom Cruise marathon while thumbing through the stack of porn he'd stashed in his old army footlocker.
Julia glanced sidelong at her roommate. Ah, Murphy. If only he were a she--even without the four breasts he'd had in his dream. Julia sighed. Get a hold of yourself, girl. You might find yourself becoming--gulp--straight. Straight, she thought. That was a funny word. How many letters was it? 7? Yes, seven seemed about right. Ah, seven. But the really funny thing was that seven had 'six' letters, and six had three, and three had five, and five had four, and four had...straight? What? She sighed. Just then, a man named Dr. Pets crashed through her window, along with his lawnmower.
The monkey stared in disbelief at his typewriter. How could he have written this? The publishers would turn this one down for sure. I mean, he was in debt and everything, the other monkeys laughed at him at work, and he had been turned down at Waterstones 87 times. They seemed to have a thing about cutting out the middleman and selling your books to the masses directly.
He sighed, and threw the crumpled mess in the bin, and thought about leaving the cardboard box in which he lived.
But it still contiuned...
edit Meanwhile on some distant planet...
A volcano erupted as many mammoths had come to eat their portion of food for the day, until a puddle of lava had come in and burned them all to a hot, delicious crisp. Many cavemen and cave women had a banquet when they had free mammoth meat for dinner for many days. They were so stuffed, it didn't matter to hunt any longer. They prayed for yet another gift of yummy mammoth meat, and got it with the aid of fly paper. Soon it would all be over... The cavemen ate and ate and ate until they could not eat any longer. They eventually decided that enough was enough, and trundled away from the mammoths.
Later on, when they had been walking for an hour or more, and, with their stomachs as full as they could be, they were on the point of collapsing. Feeling this, the cavemen felt that it was in their best interests to go to sleep. Then suddenly, one caveman pointed ahead at something he said was glittering. The others looked, and, lo and behold, there was indeed something glittering on the horizon. The cavemen and women ran foorwards, and when they reached the glittering object, they discovered something that they could not believe they were seeing...a silver UnBook! (How did it get there?) Of course, they can't read, so they worshipped it as a god, until it exploded with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, destroying everything, anything, and everyone.
You were editing Uncyclopedia and saw...a brand new edition of 'how to eat weekly: advanced techniques' as you reach over to pick it up, you are abducted by the original cast of star trek, who were all old and grey. 'alright sonny jim, can you show us the main principals of eating? because we dont have teeth you see...
'YES!!! this is my big break! ive been studying how to eat for a while now!' you think to yourself. ok...well, first, we will start with the first thing, getting food, you guys got a fridge?
'well yes... but that fatass scotty ate all the food!'
'aye did 'na do such a ter'bel ate crime!'
'oh god here we go, hes talking like a hick! or a pirate, or some creepy form of jesus...or satan...or oscar wilde...'
'aye am 'na talk'n lik ar pir'at! if aye was aye would say ARRRR!! alot more! hey, that re'mids me...wanna hear a joke? about pirates?'
'GOD NO! we all know what joke your gonna say!'
'hey, why are pira...'
and at that very moment, you call out no, because you see aroura shoot scotty.
'why did you do that?'
'listen...he was getting old, i think his time was right...'
trying to change the topic, you say, '...anyway... i see you got some meat loaf here...'
'LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL' yelled zombie scotty.
'oh dear god! scotty has risen from the dead...........................................................and in zombie form!!!'
What will happen to zombie Scotty? Or to Aroura? Or anyone else in this story??!!! Tune in next week for the season finally of "how to eat". It has all new drama, all new time periods, and an all new overall plot, caracters, directors, produces, boom operators, camera guys/girls/chicks/its! So be there or actually find something closly resembling a life! and while youre at it, go and du sum spelchaaekc
And everybody died happily! Except for me. Because of proper tray table usage and seat positioning, I survived the death of everyone except for me. Then I proceeded to build a fleet of turtle ships to rule the galaxy. This is my story...
I was born in a log cabin... What are you looking at me like that for? Do I know you, you're going to have to speak up I can't understand what your sayin' boi. What's that about a fleet of purple dips to rule the galaxy? Boi what I tell you bout slangin' that nonsense in mih' house?
edit Rebellion of the Turtleships
Suddenly, my massive army of turtle ships revolted. I died, leaving the turtle ships to wander the galaxy without a ruler. Then they all died, except for one because of its skilled seat positioning and masterful usage of tray tables. He then proceeded to build an army of giraffe ships which revolted and... oh, fuck it, you get what I'm saying.
edit The Watermelon
This was latter followed by a very large watermelon who just so happened to not be a squirrel. This water melon went on a huge adventure through the universe and the galaxy, and China and read some amazing books(it is noted that they were not actually books, but rather a very fat peice of lard)As he continued onward into oblivion he met a man named Ted
"I don't like mushrooms!" screamed the watermelon and he pulled out a gun and shot Ted in the face. "I don't like you" said Ted, after his face re-assembled itself (without a nose)
This was followed by a three hour conversation about how much pudding you could fit in your mouth without throwing up(trust me that is really hard to do)as they finished there conversation, they started a debate about the fact that if you were paddling a canoe and the wheel fell off how many pancakes could you fit into a doghouse, but the answer came, NONE, because Ice-cram has no bones. The man named Ted was replaced by a chocolate cake. Which the watermelon ate and said "that was goo-oo-ood cake" The watermelon latter went on to rule the entire kitchen and not have a single cookie taken from the cookie jar.
That's when Vader came in and said " Ted, I am your father. And your mother was a hampster that smelt of elderberries"
He took a deep breath and said " And also I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. And the father of Brutus. But I swear to God i did not bang Luke's momma. That was my evil twin, Redav. "
But then, a monkey with a typewriter trying to sell his script jumped out from behind a magic pebble, disapproving that plot always has to apply to everything....
"Oh no! Rotters have broken into the safehouse and we're all out of AP! We're screwed!", said the monkey as he was playing Urban Dead, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth "I guess it's back to the revive point for me", he said. It was just then that the watermelon entered. It started to complain about the coffee. "This coffee is crap!I prefer tea, I bet it isn't Fairtrade!", it shouted.
- "I'm afraid I don't control the coffee in this story", said the monkey, "That's the job of the catering department." (which i aspladed for no particular reason)
- "Well", said the watermelon, "When I signed up for this job, I expected more. Stars like me need decent coffee."
- "Y'know, if your ego got any bigger, I bet it would weigh as much as that chronicly obese eight-year-old I saw on TV last night."
- "Right, that's it", said the watermelon, "I'm going on strike."
With that, the watermelon left the story.
edit The Monkey's Chase
Thinking that it was too early for the Death star watermelon to leave, the monkey went after him. He went straight for a while, then found a shaft. Thinking it may be fun, he jumped down it. When he reached the bottom, he saw four words, of which two were profane...
- "Aagh!" came a scream.
The kitten with I <3 GWB tattooed on his wrist jumped ten feet in the air, shrieking those four words in Mandarin Chinese. The monkey sighed, then smashed the watermelon on his elbow while waiting for the kinky cheesehead to return to the sketchy sci-fi novel. The watermelon started to cry. The monkey-llama cruelly turned his back on the crushed watermelon and slowly walked into the sunset. "Now that could be a topic for my bestseller!" he thought. but the llama ate the typerwriter. "I guess I could always use a computer...... Oh Shit they don't exist...." Suddenly and without warning a new story arc appeared!
edit Unlimited Footnotes
- ↑ No changing existing footnotes. At the worst, add footnotes to the footnotes.
- ↑ Third in the set of Eleven Rings With Misleading Names.
- ↑ The authors rather hastily concluded this particular Unlimited Unstory after the discovery that a similar project called The Story That Is Built One Sentence At a Time By Those That Read It was so far superior to their meagre writing efforts that they would never be able to even surpass half of its gloriousness. That and the cease-and-desist.
- ↑ Actually, I am the one concluded it. And I concluded it because it was going nowhere. Thank you very much for hastily generalization.
- ↑ Don't fucking go back and edit through it and stuff, you killed our last story.. hella. :/
edit Part Vife - The futile dreams of Siggy Moltke
The scream slowly faded, and was succeeded by the chant of a solemn platoon of kumquats, slowly repeating the word "tumult" in deep bass undertones. The four words, the monkey saw, were carved into the rock face, and were both sacred and profane.
Young Siggy Moltke looked up from his book and considered the scene, sipping a fine arabica espresso. The word "tumult" had always fascinated him, although he always spelt it "tumulkd" in his mind's-eye, for reasons we cannot go into here. He was loath to appear in works of fiction, on account of Bisto, but a scan of the opening paragraph of this seminal work showed just such a word, and the chanting kumquats made a deep impression on his fragile psyche. He had accordingly been persuaded to make an exception in this case.
Siggy Molte was, you gather, no ordinary watermelon. He had grown up on a vegetable patch due south of Munich, close to the repository holding the fabled Amulet of Yendor, and his schooling and tertiary education had been thorough. The only hard-shelled fruit of any variety to study actuarial science, he now worked as a derivatives trader in the treasury office of an international machine-tool merchant. He was relatively wealthy, living the life of an urban sophisticate, enjoying fine coffee, driving a gleaming BMW, and instigating football riots, but he sometimes longed for the simple days of lying in the Bavarian sun, slowly ripening.
Day after day he toiled before a computer screen, driving up the price of molybdenum, or shorting the zircon market, while dreaming of a simpler life. Then, one day, his whole life changed when he ran a traffic light in the rain, late for work, and crashed into a big red truck traveling to mianus. However, ignoring everything that has been previously said for no apparent reason, all the characters were turned into pizzas. This, my son, is one of the mnany reasons why I promote kitten huffing, in all its glorious forms!
edit Part Sechs - An Egregious Breach of Silence and Secrecy
And so it came to pass on a chilly Wednesday morning, in the land of the Amish, that Hubris Michelob, the exalted grand chieftain of the order of Timbuktu passed a decree. Anyone who had been hitherto showered with horseradish, would now be forced to bathe in peanuts. Immediately, a wave of terror went out over the camp of indentured slaves who, just the previous night in an attempt to prove their allegiance to the order of Timbuktu, had been showered in horseradish. It was not known to the chieftain, how frightened his slaves were- especially those who were allergic to nuts. No one knows why he issued the decree, other than the fact that Michelob and peanuts go well together. Still, the peanuts were stockpiled in great numbers below the palace, and the slaves were forced to bathe in them. Hubris, the high council, and the rest of the order looked on while their slaves became soiled and swollen, (depending on their histamine reaction).
Then, a raspy voice rose from a short, hunched, black cloaked figure in the corner of the dungeon. It was Psoriasis Peckerash, the exalted master of wisdom- of the order of Timbuktu. He approached the huddled mass of slaves and removed the hood from his impeccably chiseled face. Psoriasis Peckerash once was indentured to the order of timbuktu, as were all members of the order at one time. He remembered well the toil and suffering he had undergone, and as the master of wisdom, was well aware that the current slaves had reached awareness of the state of grandiose unity. As he walked in their midst, the slaves could feel the stare of Peckerash's beady black eyes. "Brother Michelob, I implore you to consider releasing these slaves from their commitment". "But for why?", Hubris retorted. "Because they are ready to join the order, I have seen it in a dream". Hubris considered the words of his wise friend, and returned, "Tell me of this dream brother Pecker-rash". "It's Pecker-ash". "Excuse Me?". "You said Pecker-rash, my name is pronounced Pecker-ash". "Oh...", said the chief, "Then tell me of this dream, Brother PECKER-ASH."
"Very Well", sighed Psoriasis, and proceeded to relate his dream.
"I dream t of the Amulet of Yendor, the most holy relic of our order, and I dream t of New Jersey, Watermelons and Pizza. I dream t that one of the slaves found the Amulet and through him, it wielded the power to turn everyone into pizzas." "Pizzas?!", exclaimed the incredulous Michelob, "but that amulet has been lost for centuries". "No sir, when I attended the annual banquet for Timbuktu wisemen, they announced its rediscovey, it's being held in Munich!". "Well", replied Hubris, "what does the amulet have to do with our slaves?". Peckerash pondered the question and the significance of his dream... He really had no idea... "You will come to know in time", he said, waving his hands mysteriously. "Very well" Hubris agreed. We shall terminate the commitment of the slaves once we have successfully reached the Jumanji equilibrium. They then proceeded to drink and smoke heavily. Upon reaching the state of Jumanji- that is, the optimum balance of high and drunk, Hubris placed his beer and bong aside and issued a new decree. "I hereby declare that the indentured have fulfilled their obligation, and will become members of the order of Timbuktu at the dawn. The slave masters must now relinquish their authority. With that, the three hulking slave drivers tossed their flails to the ground, where they landed with three loud thuds.
The slaves were bewildered and relieved, but they knew that the final hours of their slavery would be the worse than all of the many years they had served put together. They were subjected to innumerable tests of strength, bravery, and loyalty, little did they know that "at dawn" was not merely a specific time, but an ancient allusion to the trials of the ancients of Timbuktu, who gained their liberation at dawn.
After a week of severe physical and psychological pain, the slaves congregated once more in the dungeon of the palace of the order of Timbuktu; all of them on the verge of death. Hubris Michelob entered the room and stood in front of the slaves. "You are now ready to join the order of Timbuktu". At that moment, the local authorities bursted into the room and held the entire order at gunpoint. The captain of the police approached the Timbuktu chieftan and unfurled a large scroll. "Hubris Michelob, you are hereby arrested for high treason against the Prince and his Parliament, and the order of Timbuktu is hereby disbanded". Hubris knew he was in trouble, for just last week, he had been really really drunk and he had urinated on the Prince's Palace. He now remembered the event more clearly, there had been snow that evening. And he had peed "The Prince sucks Timbuktu Dick.. Love, Hubris". Psoriasis Peckerash had witnessed this egregious breach of silence and secrecy, but had remained quiet.
As the police cuffed Hubris Michelob, Psoriasis Peckerash reached into his pocket, for he too held a secret.
It was the Amulet of Yendor, baked in the fires of Mount Bean. Remembering his dream from a week past, he grasped the amulet and tore it from the pocket of his cloak. The police immediately fired their crossbows, but as the barrage of arrows flew towards Peckerash, they transformed into tasty personal pizzas, flopping limply to the master's feet. The Police stared in amazement, and the captain immediately rushed forward, turning into a pizza as well.
The police fled, and the order of timbuktu enjoyed fresh pizza, in the land of the Amish.
Until the day, when the amulet of yendor would awaken and it's true power would be realized.
edit Part Savanth - Two Guys, A Girl, Three Mangalores, and An Irrational Particle Accelerator
In a different time period and completely and unbelievably unrelated to anything you have thus far been reading... a smooth flat disk spins ominously through the cosmos. Within its 2 dimensional confines are three convicts from the planet Krypton. From the looks on their flat faces, they appear to be upset that this section of the Unstory has nothing to do with them.
On the planet of Mangalore, Voskil was demanding his change from the Kitten Vendor. He expected to be at least an hour late for his massage appointment because of this little inconvenience, and he was not bemused by it. Still, as the cash register failed to open for the sixteenth time, evoking sharp cries of insanity from the vendor himself, Voskil was glad that he brought his Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic along for the ride.
600 light years away on the planet of Moshmice, Annacontra Fitzhugh III paced nervously around her liquid/chair. It wasn't like Voskil to be late like this. She picked up the teleprompter and smashed it into 7 peices. She wouldn't be needing it now. She paced nervously into the kitchen and swung open the elephant/refrigerator in search of something to put in her mouth. She found a jar of Banana Butter and some avocadoes. Damn,' she thought with distain. No lemon.
Voskil had his change, finally. He strode briskly between tree branches as the whole of the Mangalorian sky stretched with furious elasticity overhead. For no particular reason, he was reminded momentarily of the huge ice pillars of Striterax just before the fifth of May. Just then 35 million lemons descended from a cloud and caught Voskil clear across the right clavicle, dislocating it severely and badly crushing his sandwiches.
Deep in the subterranean hellhole known as the Deep Subterranean Hellhole of Mangalore, Bix Blok was striding with great propensity back and forth in front of the visi-screen. His Lemon-Dispenser had worked perfectly, and now the only thing left to do was assassinate the Prime Minister of Malasia. He thought about this for a second. Seeing has he knew not what either a Prime Minister or Malasia were, it made little sense that this should be the only thing left to do. These thoughts troubled him, and they were becoming increasingly hard to ignore. That, and he was all out of dishsoap. Damn, there's another one! he thought. When is this going to stop? Just then his second in command entered the chamber.
"All is ready, your Excellency."
"Good," said Bix, "Then ready my ship."
"Yes your Excellency."
The second in command turned and bumped into a wall, spluttered, and found the door on his second attempt. Bix shook his head in disgust, his large fishy ears quivering with malnutrition. Perhaps he wasn't the only one who was losing it.
Now, it is important to note at this point that some time ago, nothing in particular actually happened. It was on this day that it didn't happen, and about three hours from now was the exact time that it didn't. Now you may be thinking, What? What has this got to do with anything? Why even bother writing that? Are you fucking nuts guy? Why don't you go stick your head up a dog's ass? Well, the answer to at least one of those questions is that my tea is ready. It's sitting right here next to me, and in a few moments I'm going to take a sip to see if it's still too hot to drink. Hm, nope, just right.
Bix Blok's timeship spun menacingly through the aeons, like an undertaker going through his daytimer. It was an immensely equipped peice of temporal transportation. The only thing that wasn't working properly (and this really got Bix's goat) was the Slurpie machine. Twenty seven years ago, when Bix was only at the ripe age of 90, a law had been passed on Mangalore that no child should be without a slurpie at any point in time. Because of this, Bix was quite used to having a slurpie now and then. But, with the machine busted, this could now never be atchieved. And it pissed him right the fuck into tomorrow. In fact, it may have been the aspertame withdrawal, but he had been severely agitated and annoyed this whole week.
An alarm wailed. He yelled at it to shut up.
It continued to wail. He got up from his pleather-lined seat in disgust and contempt and trudged overzealously to the control console to his right. Something about an incoming Laser-Guided Polar Bear coming from the Fifth Moon of Venus. He shook his head. An incoming transmission from the high council of Mangalore. Bix swiped the 'accept' panel and the message relayed.
<Bix Blok, this is the Mangalore High Command. You are at this point in time duly required to set aside all predeliction and contempt for all things considered sane, and use the full destructive power of the Random Lemon Dispenser, just to see what happens. Message Ends.>
Damn, he thought. Avocadoes.
Suddenly, Oscar Wilde walked in.
Actually he didn't. That would be silly.
Instead it was one of the three Mangalores. Had you forgotten about them?
edit Part Ate - Can Molke's Avacodo emulate the Amulet?
By a strange coincidence, Bix Blok's exasperation with Avacados was echoed in a lonely hospital ward by Siggy Moltke. He lay in the ward, fingering a cheap replica of the Amulet of Yendor, in the manner of prayer beads, a sorry sight. His watermelon rind was patched by numerous bandages and stitches, and felt as thin as the skin of an ovveripe Avocado. It was this that had set him thinking about the nature of Avocados, and the role they had payed in causing his collision with the red Mianus truck. As he fingered the Amulet replica, he pondered on the small pile of avocados that he had seen in the street an instant before the crash, and the effect they had had in causing the truck to lose traction on the wet street, causing the collision. He thought of Hubris Michelob, and the burning resentment that this exalted grand chieftain had against both horseradish and avocados. He also remembered that the word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate, from the Aztec word, ahuacatl, meaning "testicle". It was well-known that Hubris Michelob had an almost pathological hatred of testicles. Could it be that the accident was a grand plot to kill Siggy, destroy a pile of green testicles and upset the molybdenum and zircon futures markets, all in one swell foop?
The more he thought of this, the more obvious the aswer became, but since he relished vagueness, he immediately stopped this line of thinking, and dwelt instead on his charming girlfriend, Brenda Bodilicious, who worked as a stripper in a blue-collar nightclub, while studying at the University of Geneva to become a prison warder. As he visualised her perfect body, her pouting lips, and her predeliction for extreme bondage, he sighed. How much longer would he be confined to a sterile hospital award, away from his normal fun routine of high-risk financial trading and cutting-edge kinky sex?
Meanwhile, in a dimension of the universe almost parallel with his, Bix Blok, in an attempt to comply with the order of the Mangalore High Command, was determined to use the full destructive power of the Random Lemon Dispenser. His best efforts were somewhat hampered by his innate incompetence, and the random nature of the dispenser, but, after only 7 days and 5 nights, he had achieved the dispensation of four almost-fresh lemon skins and a small dry matini (similar to a martini, but with less "r"), which he gulped greedily. Settling back on his leather-coated hairy goatskin settee, while paging through a slim volume by Folger Bruntage (the eminent Victorian poet, who dealt mainly with the ambiguities of food additives) he fell into a doze, and dreamt of the delecable curves of Brenda Bodilicious (who was devastating enough to exist in multiple dimensions), and the remarkable ability of her nibbling teeth and darting pink tongue. As his eyes rolled back he was startled out of his skin by a shrill voice in his headset. The receptor read "Moshmice", and the voice was that of Annacontra Fitzhugh III. He adjusted his visualiser, and her image came into view as she ranted on, the image of a latex dominatrix, castigating him for omitting to remeber their anniversary. What was he to do? If only he were back in 'Nam with Alex Murphy the brick-smoking paratrooper, or watching seedy porn movies with Jackson Huffy Kitty back in Natchez, all would be well. He sighed, and drew on his cigarette. He only had a fountain pen, so drawing on the cigarette was a blotty affair, but he did the best he could. As he drew, his eyes glazed over, and he thought of the first time that he had ...
edit Part Nein - Random Chapter Break
... set eyes upon the bodacious Brenda, and the innumerable difficulties with his overall sexual preference that had arisen because of her. Mangalores, as you all know, reproduce asexually, and almost completely at random, so you can imagine how difficult it would be for a young Mangalore such as Bix to suddenly have the very definition of kinky, knarly, uninhibited buttsex with a member of another species thrust into the section of his brain that was normally reserved for playing tennis and torturing small animals using Nun-Chucks.
Seemingly at random, a pile of small, round, hairy, and altogether grotesque orbs of pink flesh landed with a wet thud on the back of Bix's head.
The sudden shock one experiences after being hit in the head with 54 human testicles was enough to send Bix into an immediate coma. His mind drifted, his mind floated, his mind wafted past some other minds who were pretty surprised to see him so soon, his mind generally wandered. After a while, he began to get the hang of things, and he wandered his mind in the general direction of Natchez. At least, what little memory of Natchez that Bix still retained in his thick Mangalorian memory.
"Dude, check it, she's about to turn inside out..." said Jackson, almost completely underwater and fucked up beyond all recognition from the Meth he had been snorting. Sure enough, as Bix's memory of his own eyes gazed upon the visi-screen, the purple female performer stuck full of 30-inch Amoeba penis sputtered, shook, discarded her outer skin, and folded neatly inside of herself. Jackson cheered. Bix vomitted.
A very loud and very rude alarm presented itself as a smack in the face to Bix's intoxicated mind. He squelched back into wakefulness at the sight of a huge asteroid shaped like a penis directly in the path of his timeship. In fact, not only was it existant in space but in time as well, as he could see thousands of underpaid Fanorpians mauling its surface into a more defined phallus with Retracto-Ion-Chisels. Backwards. He lept for the control panel, and upon realizing that it was the wrong control panel, he simultaneously realized that it was too late. His timeship smashed with brilliant irony into the penis-roid, sending cascades of debris into the temporal wake and thrusting Bix's mutilated mind (much to his releif) back into a state of comatose, in which he would remain for the next 752 trillion trillion years until he was found a suitable body to be reincarnated into.
But before he could realize it, his cock was frozen within the tube, and he knew he could forget orgasms and sex pleasures in life, but he also knew how delightful the pleasure of a frozen cock would bestow upon thy whore. Whew.
edit Part X:?
There is no Part X. There is no Project X, and it has nothing to do with aliens. There are no clones of George H. W. Bush. Understand? Good. What? You weren't talking about that? Well, never you mind about those not clones then. Come to think of it, we never cloned Elvis either. Ooh look at me I mak arthouse movies. Ooh I've got scissors for hands! Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker. No offence JD ur hot but JOHNNY WANKER. Lets clone Johnny! Go George W. Bush! Be the Decider! We won't clone you. Although the whole world hates you Bush, so go hide in a cave. Ooh, lets splice the DNA of Dubya and the Grueslayer! Although Trar and Emmzee would go crazy. And why are we speaking in first person? Why are we breaknig the Fourth wall? WHY AM I TALKING TO MYSELF? HAS THE DESERTED ISLAND WE ARE TRAPPED ON MADE ME CRAZY? AND WHERE IS MY VOLLEYBALL FRIEND???
- You've gone c-c-c-razy too! We are on an island. Look! A ship! AND WHERE IS MY VOLLEYBALL FREIND???
- Actually, that island is an illusion, in our holding cell for clone/gene splicing insanity. For that, we shall send in one of our Dubya-Cheney-Grueslayer-BENSON-DiZ-Han-Trar-Emmzee-Insineratehymn-Random Guy clones to take you to a holding cell. And your volleyball friend is one of our clone guys. There. Now you must die.
- We actually are on an island. Really. You fell off a hill on your head. You are dead. I think. you are only imagining this.
- "This person is insane. Usual procedure: Exterminate." <kills main character> After all, this is Annoying Gene Splicing Cloning Lab #1, where gene-spliced clones are created for Bush for Iraq.
Well now, Billy, where is your lollipop? That is correctimundo, I ated it with my face. :3 Whoa did you just see that monkey butt rape or was it just me or just everyone? But there is no one because Billy is a lonely, lonely butt raper. Goodbye
edit The End
edit Book 2: X Labs
The number seven decided to suddenly become tangible, boding ill for Doctor Sven. Of course, he was a clone from X Labs! But he wished he was a dark fairy from the unheavenley underworlds of Kran and then he could fly the potato salad out of the reach of the hungry lesbians and slay the emos with his never ending katchup powers. Suddenley he fell in a chasm and broke his lasagna. He sreamed as the meatsauce spilkled from his severed testical. The suddenley the majick beans came to his aid. At this point he wondered if he had been smoking pot, or crystometh when he went to the bathroom. After taking 8 hours to decide on neither he had just eatin some majick mushrooms he went for a walk and began listening to the wild apricots sign the declaration of jelly doughnuts. He left the park without his lucky dog spine and fell over a large peanut cat. He yelled profane language at the small banana and began to get turned on. HE ran home and got on the computer to look at chickens. After that he baked some onionchip cookies and slammed them down with a fifth of vodka. Then he was picked up by X Labs technicians.
edit Part 127900x: The raping
After many years of hiding, Joseph Stalin decided to return to the world scene, with his army of Ape-Human hybrids searching the earth for all non-communists. During his many years pretending to be dead, Stalin whiled away his hours selling candy to children, and occasionally writing a column in readers' digest. He also tried for a short while to take up a position as a superhero, but he had no redeeming heroic qualities, and so resorted to working in a Burger King where he would spit in a BigMac occasionally. Stalin's current plan was to use his army of midgets and misfits to take over the world, however there was a midget convention in South Carolina, where all the midgets convened, and where wiped out by a bomb, planted by an ex-supporter of the Bolshevik party (ironically enough). Stalin's first attempt at World Domination took place in Wales (Great Britain), where he attempted to take over the country by diplomatic means - offering many sheep to the shag-hungry Welshies - these offers were rejected however as there was a demonstration of the sheep taking place - these ravenous creatures then managed to topple Stalin and have sent him into hiding for another few years... Now nobody knows where he is!
Five years later. The year was 2342 and Jesus Black walked on the ground where there once was a great statue of his country's former leader. The former leader was a geart man. He cared about the people. But the country has been in a terrible crisis. A new leader took controll over the country. She was the one and only in charge. A cat. Jesus Black thought of the bisarr truth that an animal decided all the political and economical decitions. Miss Allmighty (as she preferd to be replied as) had put all the dogs to slavery and ate all rats. Jesus though about his rat he once had. His name was witty-winkle-tinkle. But one day the goverment came and took him.
edit Part 9 + 2: The Remembered
Jacob ran triumphantly to the candy store with a was of cash in his hand. Suddenly, without warning, out of the blue, from thin air, surprising everyone, nothing happened. As he entered the store, Jacob realized something was wrong. Very kinda wrong. Not only was there only one cactus behind the register, but there were several cops in the store. One of them noticed Jacob coming in, and walked over to him. "Good morning. My name is Sargeant Tnaegras. Yesterday, someone stole something from this place. Do you know anything about it?"
Jacob said, "I don't know. What did they take?"
Sargeant Tneagras responded, "It's that tool that plumbers use. Oh, what's the name of that thing...?"
"You mean a plunger?"
edit The Slammer
Jacob woke up inside a cell with the Iron Man song blaring on the loudspeakers. "Holy carrier pigeons and anti-lock brakes!" he exclaimed. Then he noticed he had a cellmate. Two, actually. Just kidding. There was three.
One was Bob, the French-Canadian Italian from Brazil (born in Mongolia) hailed from Egypt. The second one was named Hubert. He was a ninja. Before the Vietnam War, of course. The third person was Claire. Claire Voyant. She invented teen spirit.
edit The Inconvenience Store
Meanwhile, at the local 11-11, a lumberjack was hacking his way through an astronomically small number of zombies. But he couldn't handle them all, and was backed into the corner. He gave one last mighty swing with his rusty chainsaw. He cut through the wall, which just happened to share the wall with the cell that our semi-hero was in. The lumberjack entered, then helped the others escape. Oh, and the zombies were no more.
The End, or just the beginning? For Jacob now had a wondrous idea. What if he and Bob and Hubert and Claire could interest the lumberjack into forming a superheroes group with them? No telling what they might eat. So then your mom sqiushed them all to end the story.
Hmm... that didn't seem to work. Something must be wrong...
Uh-oh. OMFGZORZ! ELTHEWORLDISGONNADIES4NORZNBCUZYOUCLANGEDIT!!!! WHYAMIWRITINGTHIS????!!!!
7|-|3 570|2Y |\/||_|57 |\|0\/\/ [0|\|71|\||_|3 1|\| 1337....!!!11
The Unstory is lol rofl
Personally, I hate beef. Too chewy, you see. Alas, some think the texture contributes to its overwhelming taste of prosperity. Have you heard the story of the cow? It started with the ancient, ancient God of Woc. He was very vengeful, but had a heart of polyester. It needed cleaning regularly. I was his washlady, you see. One day, he decided to make one of his faeces turn into something entertaining; productive. He made a cow, creatively named. But the cow was too intelligent, and the Prime Minister at the time(HDK)decided that being outsmarted by this creature was just stepping over the line. It was put down. But suddenly, when Woc thought all hope was lost with his creation, an idea popped into his head. He started war. In conclusion the war was named War of the Cows, AKA World War One (WW1). Great times.
edit The Afterlife
And so it was that all the characters in this story traveled in a boat to the afterlife with a lantern in the middle to let you see. They went through many waters and finally ended up in heaven. Although this was not normal heaven they happened to end up in iguana heaven which was the equivalent of human hell!! There was iguanas everywhere peeing and pooping and squirting thier pee through thier mouth and ears (for it is well known that iguanas have always dreamed of peeing through thier mouth and ears) and then the humans decided they could use this to their advantage. The Humans challenged the iguanas to a contest to see who could go the longest without excreting waste. If the Humans won, the iguanas would have to leave iguana heaven and live in Sunderland but if the iguanas won, the humans would have to eat their waste. After 4 months one of the iguanas called Job-Job could not resist any longer and had a poo on the Lumberjack. It seemed as though everything was perfect in the now-named 'Human Heaven' until 2 years later it was revealed that the iguanas had formed an army of zombies to attack the humans. Luckily, The humans managed to build an impentrable fortress to protect themselves until they could figure out how to get rid of the iguanas. However, they didn't realize that a traitor must have let the iguanas into human heaven, and that person would let them into the fortress! The iguanas flooded the fortress attacking the humans and forcing them to leave human heaven and go back to earth as zombies. Angry at this they attacked anyone on Earth they saw. Except for the porntsars. They really liked them. Really. But then they ate some watermelons and turned into horny turtles. "I'm Black." they said. Yes, they.
edit Banana Man, Saviour of the World
Obviously, the humans were not very happy with being on Earth as zombies. But they were doomed... I mean they had no chance in hell of beating the crazy iguanas. But somehow one of the humans got stuck in a heaven that no one had heard of before... Banana heaven. I know what your thinking, 'Just some stupid place with random banana's as big as the ceiling with purple streaks and triple nos injection floating around'. Well that is pretty muuch what it was. And in the midst of all the random banana floaty purple streaked triple nos injection things there was a man. BANANA MAN. He loaded his banana guns with that weird squigee stuff that you get from bananas that are way too old and and shoved a couple of browning banana bombs in his pants like little kids do when they're playing cowboys and indians, and said 'It's Banana time' like on some stupid stereotype american action movie. Then he jumped in his Purple streaked, triple nos injected banana ship and zoomed through space and time until he got to Earth. 'Wowaweewawowza' he said when he saw the zombies. He shot a couple of them and they turned into humans again with banana guns. Soon the zombies were all human again.
edit The Iguanas Strike back
The iguanas were unhappy at this development but they could not go to war with the humans while Banana Man was protecting them so they concocted a devious plan. The Iguana's emporor capture Banana Women and, after raping her several times, told Banana Man to give up his powers or the iguanas would eat her. Immediatley Banana Man jumped in his banana ship and zoomed up to Iguana heaven and saved Banana Women, but it turned out to be an Ausralian lookalike. While Banana Man was saving her, the iguanas had took over Earth and destroyed all bananas so the Banana Man had no powers and the Iguanas ruled Earth. The humans pleaded with Banana man to help him and they all offered to have sex with him, even the men. Banana Man said he would help and had intense sex with each woman once and ****ed each man countless times, often making their arseholes bleed, Banana Man admitted he could not help unless they got him bananas. After long search the Humans finally found some bananas only to find out Banana man had died because of not having enough bananas. The End is not over yet, the journey continues.
edit But Then Came the FSM
The humans were in serious trouble, with the iguana army drawing closer every second and everyone already being tired after ***king the late Banana Man. It seemed like they were all out of luck, but then a presence arose. First the Pastafarians felt it, then the pirates realized soon after. It was the Flying Spaghetti Monster here to save the day! The great god of all Pastafarians, with the ability to become invisible, easily phase through solid objects, and totally mess stuff up with just one touch of His Noodly Appendage, came in defense of the humans. He reached out His noodly appendage and with several loud *CRACK!*'s, all of the iguanas' heads exploded. The humans were done with the war and able to return to the iguana heaven that was now their own, and buffed with a beer volcanoe and stripper factory, and live in peace and happiness forever.
edit The FSM Betrayal
the flying spaghetti monster went mad with power and decided it liked killing things so went to Iguana Heaven and started crushing humans. the gecko man was not happy with this and whipped the flying spaghetti monster with a vending machine vending machine on a rope and your mum laughed at the gecko man. then he pooed on her. then some Italian guy came up to him. he eats babies.
edit The Monkey Man
There once was a little boy named Johnny who ate the little rat. Soon Johnny walked through the forest where he saw the little monkey man who had 6 monkeys in his present. Soon johnny said why do u eat the arrangotangs. he said he wants to grow a big scabula. The monkey ate the cheese and Will and Zach came out from the sky.
edit What Best friends do for each other
one day while tony was in italy joe had an hypothosys. he would need to visit him from his home town of Iraq, Maine. joe's family was very poor, they only had one mini yacht and a three story house, so joe was in a dylenma to get to italy. He decided to look around/steal his parents money. he ended up with a 1997 chucky cheese token from 1994 and $5 to cinemagic. but he eventually got to italy
the problem was, tony and his dad wine testing, heavily accented dad, marizio had already left teh small mountain village of Iuretig (a one bedroom appartment in the hills). on the way back, marizio saw a man throwing wine out of the planes open window/door. marizio came up to him intending on tussling, but saw it was joe's dad. he made quick of him seeing as marizio is in the mafia.
the plane ride eventually made it to Iraq, Maine and tony and joe had hot sex, not with each other, with themsleves? sexxxiiiii????!!!!!!1
after twenty minutes of sitting around, they decided to go for a hike up in the mountains, making sure to go around all the tanks and U.S. soldiers havign gay sex in tents.
when they got up the mountains they found a clear cut path with patches of marijuana growing and decided to snowboard down the iraqi mountains and see what they could buy in eastern europe, seeing as the mountains lead there.
joe still had his 1997 chucky cheese token from 1994 and $5 to cinemagic. so they decided to buy a house and have a few kids. after accessing his bank account, tony withdrew all $13.83 and decided to buy all of eastern europe and 400 square feet of russia. and sold it to teh U.S. in extange for creative labs (the makers of The Zen), and an agreement to sell maine to quebec, and 14 1/2 beautiful woman on their own virgin island (although it wont be a virgin island any longer.)
tony needed to pay his $50 dollar cell phone bill though, so marizio, who suddenly appeared/dissappeared, made quick of him too, seeign as hes in teh mafia
since they accedentially sold their house and kids to teh U.S. and the mexican factories that come with it, they had to have new kids.
but tony was infertile...
no, it turns out joe knocked up beautiful woman #8, and had tony's kid for them
yes, after having 62 kids with 20 different people, man or woman, joe died of being a poser for 8 years too many
edit this guy doesnt know how to make her own section so i had to do it for him
As soon as the young man had exploded his hilariously obese head, the world which he knew suddenly changed around him. Tiny microscopic pieces of bobba (delightfully delicious snacks) started flooding down from the approaching avalanche. 'Run!' A voice sounded from below. But it was too late. He had died 10 years ago, in a jug, you fool. Do not feel his pain, as the luddats(another delightfully delicious snack)have already done so, and well, you don't hear of them anymore.
Suddenly, he woke up. Where was he? His rather large head was throbbing with the aftermath of a beating. But, strangely enough, he begun to laugh. His head was affected, you see, and he now had the mind of a two year old. 'I like yassz! Givet!' He yelled to the oncoming traffic. They gave him concerning looks, but accepted his behaviour as normal. They then started to act like him. That day, the world died, when suddenly a voice yelled, ' I am firstname.lastname@example.org!' Everyone awoke, pleasantly surprised. That voice woke everyone up! Hooray!
The moral is to love God.
edit Part... What part is this again?
In a dimension far far faaaaaar FAAAAAAAAAAAAR *brick'd*
Er, ahem, welll...
In a dimension far far *braces self* Away, there lived a man who was blue. Now, I'm not talking about the emotion. He was actually blue. What was his name? It was Roy Keane, a leprachaun who thinks he is hard. As hard as his mother during exams and fish sales. She was a lovely mother who would kiss her own children in the ass... IN the ass.
The camera man immediately puts down his donut and licks the leprachaun. Then he realized what he did was sinful, and therefore decided to punish himself using a dildo violently, thrusting it into his abdomen screaming, "There stains a thousand weaknesses!" He was two men in one, blue and red, engorged and violent, saddened and solid.
He grew to a height a hundred times higher than man has ever known and died, his corpse draping itself over the buildings and dripping refuse from every pore. It was really freaking gross. Just goop everywhere. Everyone was all, "WTF?" but no one really knew cause this weird guy just grew really big and toppled and stuff. They chalked it up to the heroin. His cock just sort of dangled in the middle of town for a while, which was really awkward because it sort of blocked a door to a big business building so all these business-types had to touch a giant dudes cock to get to work. It was pretty sweet/funny.
Ten ninjas watched from cliffs around the town. FNORD! The ninjae plotted for vengeance upon the town, thanks in part to them being killable, and so, the ninjae began to plot. But, several nanoseconds before they could take action upon the poor civilization, the voice of the Great Editors spoke; "Begone, cliches of the underworld!" And there was a giant lightning explosion, and the ninjae died. Very quickly.
Extremely quickly, actually.
edit Part 12 OR IS IT?
Bob woke up and realised the Ninjas and Roy Keane were all a dream when suddenly a giant Kitten huffer jumped onto his roof crushing his house and leaving him trapped underneath a pile of rubble. Mike saw a cat, and spoofed it to sve his arse. One may not know this, but Joseph Stalin ate ate a cat before, and destroyed it well.
Suddenly, Bob's phone rang.
"Hello?" he said without answering the phone. It waited for a little while and eventually flopped open on its own so he could talk.
Bob hung up and went outside and started crying.
"Don't cry," said the trees.
"But you're on fire and I'm dying of lung cancer!" shouted Bob. he slammed his fists on the ground and a great fissure erupted from which arose Satan.
"Uh, hey," said Satan.
"What are you doing here?" said Bob.
Satan grabbed Bob and flew with him across the universe to the Proxima galaxy where they made sweet love for many days.They knew it was wrong, but it felt, so, so right. They made sweet ass love until eventually, the stars burned out and Tupac travelled back in time to get them.
"WTF, it's Tupac," said Bob.
"OMG, THE INTERNET IS IN TROUBLE IN THE FUTURE! THEY'S GON' DELETES MINE ALBUMS, THOU SICK NOOB!!!" shouted Tupac, who was clearly drunk on bourbon and kittens. Tupac grabbed Satan and Bob and took them to the future, which was apparently ruled by the Disco Danger Squad and had been transformed into a giant electro-rock dance floor filled with homos and fags and queers.
"Meh." said Bob. "Faggish."
Leaving Satan and Tupac happily roboting with their fellow faggish friends, Bob left the dance floor and walked back out into the future...
...straight into a moving bus.
"WOAH!!" Bob screamed, jolting up in bed and hitting his unfortunatly mis-shapen head on the wall.
"Godammit...this has to stop."
A doctor's appointment later that day, showed Bob to have nightmarish hullababasin co-co-gavershun. A very serious disease. Fearing for his life, poor little Bob decided to go and grab a kebab. Ironic i know - but the worry that he may never have the opportunity again was far too overwhelming.
It was then that Bob saw it - a GIANT stapler, stapling the city of Moe. Bob grew scared. "Only a hero can save us now..."
It was then at that moment, arised a new hero...
edit The Magnificent Adventures of Phoenix! The Sexiest Wonder of the World
Nobody saw where this dude came from. He came out of nowhere. Just popped out of the sky like an extremely small baby out of a...well...you know where babies come from. He flew down and observed the current events.
STAPLE! The giant stapler had got it's first victim. A man had just started pooping in a public toilet when the giant stapler (now named STAPLOR because the author of can't be bothered writing "the giant stapler" fifty million times) stpled down the door of the toilet. The man hadn't finished and didn't realised that he was about to meet his doom. After he didn't wash his hands, he tried to open the door. "Hey...what the? Why won't this..no!! Nooo!!! Oh my god! Let me out!! Even I can't cope with the smell of my own...wait a minute...what's that coming out of the toilet? Aahhh!!!!" The man collapsed and suffocated to death.
Infuriated, Phoenix flew down and grabbed Staplor's tail (staplers have tails?) and swung him around and let go. Staplor flew across the 3 continents and landed back in the same place he was thrown from. "Godammit." said Phoenix.
Phoenix then picked up Staplor and fired his Ray Charles Ray at him. The ray blinded Staplor, Staplor walked around aimlessly and then fell into a giant pit of Paris Hilton's Misery, which he drowned in immediately.
The war had been won, just at that moment, the author realised that his addition to Unstory was pretty gay, he then killed himself.
The End...or is it?
Yes it is...The End!
Actually i lied ninja chris came all the way from hartlepool just to throw a uncyclo-bomb at me because i lied. i like rape in my sandwiches. once upon a time there was RAPE!
edit Or is it?
This rape was so disgusting, that even Robert Gates would be aghast with dismay! Then, Bush happened to walk in and say: "Can I ride the pony too?" Unfortunately for Bush, there was no room left for him, so he ended up just making a huge mess. That his aides then cleaned up...
Afterwords, some commies walked into the White House yelling about something or another that has to do with TYATU and addicted, which coincidentally, is exactly why I try really hard to be funny, yet no one ever thinks that I am funny, otherwise, SOMEONE WOULD'VE CARED YEARS AGO!
Then this rapist, known as Jimmy, got up from his horrid raping and ran directly at the president, and then started to hump the president, for Jimmy loved the president so! Unfortunately for Jimmy, a SS agent noticed this behavior and then Jimmy got kicked out of the White House. Jimmy then walked down Broadway to get a hot dog and watch a Shakespearian play on the famous limelight. Too bad Jimmy has a bad sense of direction!
However, there was a much more horrible rape in just the other room. Satan had arrived to speak with Bush about Iraq (Actually, he was just there to take his soul), and noticed Monica Lewinsky sobbing in the next room. He put on a leather condom and began to smash his twelve foot long, eight foot wide penis into her vagina so hard that her innards came out through her mouth. That the presidential aides then had to clean up and then they died because the remains tainted with evil. The Funeral for them was Brief and Interrupted by Satan, who then killed all the remaining presidential aides, leaving Bush Vunerable...
edit Adventures in Malmkoping
Big Sven walked down the cobblestone lane of Malmkoping, laughing his big laugh. "Morning, Mr. Durgen," he said, although it was in Swedish and muffled by his unkempt mustache, the unchewed contents of which might feed a small child. He tipped an imaginary hat -- as if his wild locks could ever be contained by a piece of cloth, a strong felt backing notwithstanding -- and winked a big wink.
Mr. Durgen ignored him, as always.
Big Sven continued on his way, laughing his big laugh, calling out his morning greetings, and being ignored. He wasn't sure why he was ignored. Maybe it was the Broom Incident ten years back that left most of the clergy paralyzed, or perhaps it was the time he had accidentally drowned the baker's horse. Surely it couldn't be the tragic yet funny Kitten Fire! Still, he wouldn't let it get him down.
After a while he spied Ana and young Isak sitting on a bench in the pasture below, an open jar of blueberry jam next to them. Ana, 12 years older than Isak and more experienced in the ways of life -- after all, she had once traveled with her grandmother to Gavleborg, five kilometers distant -- had her hand down the backside of Isak's britches and was making him squirm in a way that didn't seem entirely unpleasant.
"Ha ha!" laughed Big Sven, his big voice carrying over the village. "That explains the stains on his britches!" he said, referring to persistent gossip regarding the boy's skid marks.
A thin sheet of metallic roofing, incorrectly attached by the local representative of the Roofer's Union, slid off Mrs. Vasternorn's house. She was teaching school at the time and wouldn't know of it for hours, at which time it would be too late to fix and she would have to stay with her sister whose husband occasionally slipped into her room in the middle of the night for some, as she called it, hot monkey love. The roofing slid quietly through the cool mountain air, its silvery surface streaked red as it cut off Big Sven's head, sending the head cascading down the hill.
Ana licked the jam off her middle finger as Big Sven's head bounced past and looked at her brother. "I guess Big Sven won't be laughing his big laugh any more."
Isak and Ana walked up the hill to Big Sven's corpse. Isak prodded it with his boot; a small mouse ran out from his shirt pocket, already covered in red goo.
"What's this?" Isak asked, plucking a package from Big Sven's back pocket. He carefully opened the package and showed it to his sister. "Looks like flour." He frowned. "I'll bet he stole it from Mr. Joran." It was well known that Big Sven and Mr. Joran didn't get along after Big Sven had drowned his horse after a day of drunken jousting. Horses, it seems, couldn't swim well when drunk.
Isak looked at Ana. "We should return it."
Mr. Joran was out making deliveries. Since he'd lost his horse, it took most of the day to pull the bread cart around the small village. His niece Ingrid was in the back, mixing dough and putting it on a warm shelf to rise, preparing it for baking in the wee hours of the morning. Her breasts pressed against her grease-splattered blouse as she massaged the doughy loaves; massaged by the pulling and twisting of the strong cotton fabric, they seemed to have a life of their own, conversing with each other, talking about mostly mundane topics, save for the occassional conversation on Religious Pluralism. Isak watched for a moment, the two pretzel-brown dots under Ingrid's blouse moving in 4-4 rhythm, his own dough starting to rise, then asked, "Do you have any jam?"
"What?" Ingrid said.
Ana elbowed him. "That's our secret," she hissed.
"Oh, yeah." He looked back to Ingrid and showed her the package. "We have some flower," he told her, not realizing he had used the homophone of flour which might have been humorous in written English, but made no sense at all in Swedish, especially spoken Swedish.
Ingrid, tired from a day of kneading dough, shrugged. "Dump it in." The extra flour would blend with the maggot-infested dust her uncle used, improving the next day's lot.
And so it was that the entire population of the tiny town of Malmkoping, population 417, became addicted to fine Peruvian cocaine.
edit Total devastation of Malmkoping and Hello Kitty rules the world, oops I hope I didn't reveal the ending of the Half-Assed-Pre-Final-Not-Really-De-Re-Un-Re-Omni-Unlimited-Pro-Epilougish-Chapter story (Otherwise known as Chapter 0.17)
So, every one was happily addicted to peruvian cocaine. Unfortunately, there was a mass overdose, zombie infestation of green bananas wielding chainmail. They went to Greenland, and tried some of the native pies for testing. "Very good," said the main character, whatever his name was, as he munched on whatever it is he was eating. "Yes," said one of the major characters, "Iceland has very good pies." So they continued to sit there in Norway, munching on their breakfast burritos, until they were done. "Ew," said that same major character, "Sweden has terrible pis." So they crossed the border of Portugal into Spain.
In Spain, they met...me. I killed them all. Quickly. Using my Quantum Bow, I slaughtered them all. They came back, though...
"That Finlandese guy totally killed us!" said that main character guy. "I'm going to find him and kill him back!" But then, the Plot Eraser came and erasered the newly-found plot. "Why does Germany even need a Plot Eraser?" asked the main character to no one in particular. "It's not like THEY have any stories with Vaginal Secretions! Wait, they do? Sorry." So they got attacked by a Grue in Texas. "Oh no," said that major character, "a grue totally attacked me." Suddenly, Elemenstor came and slaughtered the Grue. "Hey, wait a minute," said the main character, "you don't belong in this story!" "Yes I do," said Elemenstor.
"No, you don't!"
"Yes, I do!"
"No, you don't!"
"Yes, I do!"
"No, you don't!"
"Yes, I do!"
"No, you don't!"
"Get me a boat called the S.S. Minnow, and 7 people, and crash it on a deserted island. Then ask yourself who really belongs in this story."
"No, I won't. I don't even know where to find a boat, Austria doesn't touch water!"
"Okay, fine. Have it your way. I'll just turn into your mom instead."
As the transformation began, the main character screamed and pleaded, "Wait! Okay, I'll do it! I'll do whatever you want! Just don't make me relive those horrible memories!"
The other dude smiled. "Alright. Disregard that Austria crap. I want you to realize something for me."
"What?" asked the main character.
"I want you to realize you're just some guy in a really crappy story a bunch of people made up."
"What? That's ridiculous!"
"Oh really? Let me ask you. Has ANYTHING made sense so far?"
"No... but I'm sure that there's something that will eventually tie all of this together."
"I'm sorry, but... it's never going to happen. Best to realize you're just a character in a made up world, which means you've become self-aware, which will end the universe, than put yourself and anyone else in this story the torture of existing in this horrible place."
The main character, whom we shall call Steve, thought this over. "No, I'm sure that something will come along. Something that will make sense. Soon."
"Oh, please. Look, I'll read the narration to you, to prove that none of this is real. Watch."
"Suddenly, the ground shook, and a marble pillar appeared from the floor."
Suddenly, the ground shook and a marble pillar appeared from the floor.
"How did you know that?"
"Steve, while thinking of how the strange man knew this, saw that there was a blinking thing on the ground next to the pillar."
Steve, while thinking of how the strange man knew this, saw that there was a blinking thing on the ground next to the pillar.
"Hey, yeah. There is that thing over there. I wonder what-"
edit The Shrine of Nine is a Fine Time For Twine
"Steve gazed in all directions, blindly reaching out, as he had been blinded by the flash."
Steve gazed in all directions, blindly reaching out, as he had been blinded by the flash.
"Please stop that. It's getting annoying," said Steve.
"Oh, sorry," said the other dude, who, since his original name was so stupid, is now called Jimbo.
"Yeah, that was a pretty stupid name," said Jimbo.
"So's your mom" said you!!!!!!
"Jimbo said he knew that"
Jimbo said he knew that.
"Who knows?" said Jimbo
said Jimbo, "Who knows?"
"The Shrine of Nine is a Fine Time For Vaginal Secretions"
edit The Toad Elevating Moment
Francois Garnier woke up one cold Paris morning on a blustery February day. He sighed in the way a 43-year-old petrol attendant sighs when he realizes life has lost it's meaning. Lazily, he made his way out of bed and threw on his casual saturday attire: slacks and a white polo shirt, and his favorite tweed jacket. He grumbled as he searched for his right shoe. Stupid shoes, it was always the right one that went missing, he thought to himself. Making his way into the kitchen/dining room/living room/main hallway of his spacious 450 square foot apartment, his mind drifted to thoughts of what the day would hold. He had been meaning to get back to that book that sat halfway-read on the counter. He slipped the book into his jacket pocket, and ventured outside. He waved to Andre, his neighbor on the right, as he sauntered into the elevator. Andre was always friendly, usually painting or watching television with his dog. Francois made his way out into the sunlight and squinted slightly. He hated how his apartment building's main entrance faced directly into the sun, although he held no particular grudge against the sun itself. Unlocking his bicycle from the nearby rack, Francois wondered why his has yet to be stolen. The police were always warning citizens about bicycle thieves. He thought it ironic how his job was to refuel cars, and yet could not afford one himself. Hopping on, he made his way towards his favorite cafe, the slowly warming sunlight rising his spirits.
Around half past eight, Francois pulled up to "Le Cafe de Vaginal Secretions", an odd name for a street cafe, but who could argue with the best espressos in all of France. He got off his bicycle and sat in one of the nearby tables, pulling his book out of his pocket. As he was about to turn to where he left off, he was greeted by Alfred, the owner. "Ah, bonjour Francois! How are you this fine morning? Ah, you bring reading material, I see? How is it?" piped Alfred. "Bonjour Alfred," nodded Francois, looking up. "This? Oh, it's just some neo-realist bullshit," he said, honestly more interested in reading his book than small talk. Francois hated small talk. "My usual double, if you please. Oh, and some toast and eggs. Scrambled."
"Of course, Francois, Right away!" said Alfred, as he whisked around and passed through the kitchen door. Francois always had a high opinion of Alfred, but his cheerfulness bugged him somewhat. "Well, it's his job to be happy, I suppose, can't blame him for that," thought Francois as he returned his attention to his book.
One breakfast and half a chapter later, Francois paid his bill, bookmarked his page, and hopped back on his bicycle. Waving goodbye to Alfred, he turned and made his way towards the park. Suddenly, a Ranger Rover drove into Francois, crushing him completley.
It hurt... a lot. Francois picked himself up and dusted himself off. "Damn kids!" he shouted. Bob then ran over and asked "Is the fish of time retarted?" Little known to Bob these were the often lost, but never for long, words that summoned the one the the only Cronovore, consumer of time. As time began to twist and reality to bend, Francois and Bob readied themselves into fighting poses.
Bob sluged Francois in the jaw. Francois, not knowing how to fight, hit Bob in the balls. He had aimed for the chest, but oh well.
edit Meanwhile in a far awy spec of dust
not many people know this but there is a spec of dust somewhere that is soo cool it has theameprks on it and hookers. and so one day on spec o dust, it bursted into oblivion and shit./';'
but but no one cared about it and this chapter was creatred needlessly.
edit Eventually they all got therA
like , imagine if that really happens , all the things in that awsomex story board about the cats and all the mumblejumble , just imagine imagine u r a fat stinking gramophone and ther are no rullls , or anything at all you know how much whould the parrot lift above his crankle? you know? so did Beefi. Beefi knew . . . when they got there , ther was silence. Duglas didnt liked the silence , but he ran inside as if a snake bite up his privates. ther was gloomy in the air. Ziana seezes. and pulled out a tissue paper. "Beefi!" ther was a shout from the inside. and beefi says , "ye ye , i know , i know..."
edit what the zorkins was that?!
AWAKE. A Waking eyes open dramticly! an unaware but fully focused face. from the depth of the intermorphius , from the depth of the bourgeois , from the monitor. AWAKE! . the eyes shuts and instantly open. was it all a big mistake? should i have not come here to this place of not belonging? it was. and ther for , ... Beefy will have to revolt.
edit Part of Story With Grammar That is Bad and Sense That is Not Made
The man wake up. He looks around with his head. All of a sudden, a meateors crash down to earth the. Sexual discomfort. Man the runs down and then he saw aliens of biggness. The Man then trusts his wife. Aliens. Aliens. Aliens the. Gorey floods pus. Man then run long time; Alien kill wife that was trusted. Japanese say "ちょっと人! 逃げるべきである!". the man not understand other stinky japanese man. Spanish in the way of cars passing by. He says "¡Mierda fresca para la venta! ¡Mierda fresca! ¡Consiga su shite aquí!" Foul Play involves in defethering. MAN DIE. THE END.
edit Part 39: The Japanese Part (The Sword)
昔々東京の小さい村で、3人は多くの夜の間彼らの家族の安全を保障するために戦った。 戦いは幾年もの間激怒し、血なまぐさい虐殺で終わった。 戦士多くの夜の最も古いのすばらしい剣を求めて移動した。 剣は家を幾年もの間人間によって触れられていない坐らせた山富士に高い握った。 最も古い戦士は年戦いを残した後この剣を見つけた。戦士が剣に触れたときに、彼に彼が彼の村の侵略者を強打することを可能にした魔法力を与えた。しかし彼の力は価格と彼の頭部から育つ陰茎を搭載する歩くために、彼罵倒された地球来た。 端。そして 彼がペニス(エイズで診断された)を歩かせて、主な性愛人(2008年3月24日の日付の間にルート246に行って、2009年2月17日にエイズで死んだ皆)であるので
edit Part 39.5: The Japanese Part (The Sword) TRANSLATED
(yes this is the literal translation)
In the village whose former times 々 Tokyo is small, 3 people fought in order to guarantee the safety of the between their family of many nights. As for fight many years between the thing you raged, ended with bloody slaughter. The soldier many night it is oldest seeking the splendid sword, it moved. It is high in mountain Fuji which the sword has not been touched the house many years by the human between the thing and makes sit down you grasped. The oldest soldier after leaving year fight, found this sword. When the soldier touches the sword, the magical power which makes that he hits hard the aggressor of that village in him possible was given.But that power came loads the penis which is brought up from price and that head in order to walk, him the earth which is denounced. Edge. And he the penis (it was diagnosed in the AIDS,) making walk, because it is the main eros person (going to route 246 between date 2008 March 24th, everyone who on 2009 February 17th dies being AIDS)
edit PART 44: The Unlimited Language Extravagansa
One day, some bitch was bored and decided to make an Unlimited Unstory in different languages. What an asshole.
THE END, YOU ALL SUCK
edit The End!!!
...or is it?
yes it is.
are you sure?
yes i'm sure.
are you sure your sure?
YES I'm sure I'm sure!
are you sure your sure your sure?
Oh jesus yes I am!
(2 hours of hell later)
are you really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sure?
for the love of god STOP ASKING ME OR I WILL BURN YOUR SORRY ASS IN A FIRE!!!
totally not the end.....
edit The End TRANSLATED into three different languages!!!
...またはそれは何ですか？はい、これです。確かですか？そう私は確信している。あなたのことか？はい私は確信していると確信している！お客様のご確認くださいか？ああそう私はイエス！ （地獄の2時間後に）あなたは本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当に本当にかご存知ですか。神の愛のために停止を求めメインオレゴン私はあなたの掛けASS火傷をするの火災！ ！ ！残念に思う
...eller är det? Ja det är det. Är du säker? Ja, jag är säker. Är du säker på att du är säker? JA, jag är säker på att jag är säker! Är du säker på att du är säker på att du är säker? Åh Jesus det är jag! (Två timmars helvete senare) Är du helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt helt säker? För Guds skull SLUTA FRÅGA ELLER SÅ BRÄNNER JAG DIN RÖV I ELDEN!!! Förlåt.
Helt klart inte slutet...
.. O è? sì è. la sono sicuro? sì sono sicuro. la sono sicuro suo sicuro? SÌ sono sicuro che sia sicuro! la sono sicuro suo sicuro suo sicuro? Oh Gesù sì sono! (2 ore di inferno dopo) la sono realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente realmente sicuro? per l'amore di CHIEDERE DI FERMATA di dio ME O BRUCERÒ IL SUO ASINO SPIACENTE IN UN FUOCO!!! spiacente
Non completamente la fine. ....
edit THE NEW STORY!: JULIA: THE RAPPIST RAPER! Part 1
Julia walked slowly down the path, casually hiding the 12' switch blade she hid in the deep crevaces of her uteris. She walked about three steps when a dozen men jumped out from behind three large trees. One man said to her "G'deevnin Lass, fancy a f'kup y'arse?". Julia acted quickley, shoving her arm into her vagina to her elbow and flung out the switch blade, spraying the near by bushes with vaginal fluid. Julia then proceded to cut the men's heads off. After the slaying had ended, and she counted twelve heads pn the ground, Julia finnaly realized that a BAKERS DOZEN had jumped out. The 13th man jumped on top of her, tossing the blade away. He then proceded to lift her skirt and penetrate her. In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and then he cumed (or is it came? aw who cares). He then casually walked away. Julia then rubbed her swollen brused anus and proceded home. On the way home Julia thought to herself, "Holy fuck, i just got raped." she then turned on her heels and chased that rapist bastard down. And so begins the Story of...... JULIA: RAPIST RAPER!
edit THE NEW STORY!: JULIA: THE RAPPIST RAPER! Part 2
Years later, Julia was still on the hunt for that bastard rapist. Now equip with a titanium anus, Julia was in the land or Narnia searching for the bastard rapist (who she descovered was named Ralph). Julia was walking carefuly with her switchblade in her hand walking carefuly. While Julia was walking carefuly, Mr. Tumness aproached her and said "hello, i'm Mr. Tumness welcome to Nar- (at this point Julia stabbed him in the throat and ripped open his lower abdomen and pulled his little goat balls out from inside him)". While Julia was sanitizing her hands over the dismembered carcass of Mr. Tumness (who is dead in Prince Caspian OMFG SPOILER!) she was aproached by the Cabbage Patch kids or the CPK. Julia was preparing to slice and dice when she noticed that they were dolls and they were bald, so she spared them. They then told her of a secret passage that led to Ralph the Rappist's lair, where he raped things (such as cantelope, political figures, and ethiopian komodo dragons.). Julia then began another journey....... to NARNIA v2!
Julia followed the cabbage patch Kids into the forest. After many miles they reached a clearing surrounded by pear trees. In the middle of the clearing was a sturdy blue portable toilet. Without a word they gathered at each side of the door and gestured that she enter. "You want me to go in there? I really don't need to go," she said. They did not speak and only continued to gesticulate. "Well, I guess I could poop a little." Julia stepped to the door and pulled it open. It stank, as most port-o-potties do. She entered, turned, hiked up her skirt and sat. When after a few fruitless grunts she managed to produce a tremendous fart, the seat gave way beneath her and she fell with it into a cloudy pink abyss. After what seemed like ages she landed with a soft poot sound and looked around. julia found herself at a kind of netherworld crossroads. There were signs with arrows pointing in every direction. Some were labeled with places she knew, places like New York, London, Portnoy's Deli and Ass Waxing. Others were more exotic and unheard of-Henderson Kentucky, Dave Grohlburg, Joey Goebelville, Nancy's Dirty Snatch. Julia stood and brushed her clothing. at last she spotted the sign she sought. 'Ralph the Rapist' with an arrow pointing the way. She began walking and reached the lair in short time. Approaching the gate quietly, Julia saw that it was guarded by two very old men. she watched them for a while and decided she could handle them if they gave her any trouble. She stepped out onto the open. "I'm here to see Ralph," she said. One old man spoke up. "And what be ye wantin wi' our master?" 'None of your damned buisiness,' she said. 'Move aside or die, old man.' With that, one old man did indeed move aside. He was known as The Pussy. The other old man, called The Dick, moved to block the door. 'Mayhap ye'll find me not so easy to die, young miss. They do be callin' me The Dick for good reason.' And with that, he parted his dirty tunic to reveal a huge serrated cock. He thrust it toward her and brandished a shield of dense, heavy glass. 'Have yourself a go wi' me if ye dare, Sweetie. Ye'll not soon forget me.' Julia stepped forward and dropped her laundry. Naked, she was an imposing figure. Her titanium anus gleamed. She took another step forward. The battle was much shorter than The Dick had hoped. With her diamond clit Julia sliced his glass shield to shards and her shiny new anus dulled his edge and gave his weapon a permanent bend. The Dick sat beside the door and wept. Through all this the other old man stood watching. When she had reduced The Dick to a weeping hulk, she turned her eyes to him. 'well? Can I pass?' The old man looked at her, hands on her hips, brandishing her deadly diamond, and bowed. Without another word she dressed and opened the door.
-It smells eggish in here- Julia thought. She had closed the door behimd her and then faced ahead. She found herself at one end of a very long hall. There were torches and lava lamps lighting the way for as far as she could see. She had walked a good way when a noise erupted ahead of her. -What the hell is that?- Again the noise. Julia crept further down the hall. Suddenly the lights ahead of her were gone and the horrid sound seemed to surround her. Reaching in front of her body, she found something solid-ish. The noise was inside of her now, so loud she couldn't hear her own thoughts. A gnawing, buzzing, grating sound-Julia thought it sounded like a rabid wombat juggling chainsaws in a fat man's ass. And so it was. 'Hi! I'm Bob! Would you mind pulling my finger?' he shouted. He held out his pulling finger and she gave it a mighty tug. And another. And another. When he finally felt as though his finger was nearly removed from his hand, Bob shouted,'I don't think this is working!' Julia shouted in reply,' Well, how about a hand job?' So Julia jerked off the fat man and when he was finished he felt very relaxed. In the deep semi-meditative afterglow, Bob pooted. Just a little. Out came the wombat and his chainsaws. He asked Bob and Julia,'Hey, you got any kittens? No? Hmmm.' and walked away. Bob looked into julia's eyes and said, 'Oh thank you. i'm so relieved to have that rabid chainsaw juggling wombat out of my ass.' 'Yeah, well,' said Julia, 'Now you owe me a hand job.' So Bob slapped her in the face. 'Okay',she said,'I guess we're even.' ' So, Bob, what are you doing here?' 'I'm looking for Ramses the Rectal Restructurer. But I think I'm lost.' Julia remembered seeing Ramses' sign at the crossroads. 'This is the way to Ralph the Rapist. You'll want to follow your wombat back down the hall to get to Ramses. Once you're out the door the path will lead you back to the intersection. There are signs.' Bob smiled and thanked her. She said to him, 'I noticed the hinges on the hall door were rather stiff and unyielding...here, cup your hands together.' He did and she filled his hands with vaginal fluid. 'That should loosen the hinges for you. It'll take care of that waxy build-up on your uvula, too.' Without another word she turned and resumed her journey, the honey of hate dripping from her vengeful teats.
edit And So It Was Part I: The Phantom MenaCe
And so it was to be that Julia the Rappist Raper was stoned to death after it was revealed that Prince Caspian was, in fact, straight, despite popular belief. this turn of events, however, created a space-time continu-um paradox, where everybody in the real world were turned into their favourite video game characters. although all the smart people (who for some unknown reason turned into chess pieces) were trying to re-undo the universal syntax error that had befallen them, all of the dumb people were busy enjoying their new lives as superheroes, or indestructo-tanks, and even animals!!! it was a joyful time, and there was much peace, until one night, one of the master cheifs (yes, your not the only one who likes halo) decided that he wanted to be the only MC that existed, so that he could get "special treatment" from the people who were transformed into the hookers from GTA. so he began a massive genocide against every single other spartan, which took 7 years to complete (yes, thats how many people like the MC!) but afterwards, he felt alone, and no one treated him special, like he had hoped. in fact, almost everyone feared him, so then he began to kill other characters, and others, until it got to the point where if you weren't dead, you were joined with him. but unbeknown by the MC, there were people within his leagues that were secretly rebels, and were trying to sabotage his efforts to be special. the clone wars had begun!
edit And So It Was Part II: The Attack Of The Clones
As the jed-ear (soon to become Rebels) had left the latex-covered capital of where-ever they were and entered the strangely ginger country of the things with sharp pointy teeth (gestures with 3 fingers in front of mouth to represent teeth) that would eat anyone who didn't salute those who hate rednecks ( racist bastards ). Upon arrival, they all learnt to play guitar, leaving a large gap in the middle for anyone to sing or drum... (and lets face it, anyone can play guitar, so they went for the easy choice)
edit And So It Was Part IV: A New Hope
And so it was that the rebels had finally defeated the MC, or so they had thought. But in fact, he was but a pawn, of a much larger conspiracy then first thought. The leader of Team Evil was actually in fact Mario (who, in his past life, was Kevin Rudd(If you dont know who K-Rudd is, don't worry, only about 20 million people know of him(double brackets, AWESOME!!))) who was the least suspected person to be involved with Team Evil, even behind Kirby and the small handful of Princess Peaches. but what no one knew, was that part 4 was just a refresher for the viewers to get used to the surroundings again after a 17 yr gap between each part. And so it was...
PS. I intentionally left Parts II and III for someone to fill out before this "filler episode" and VI and VII for others to complete afterwards! happy un-storytelling!
Siggy Moltke sighed. His job was to edit Unstories to ensure that they did not spiral into complete incoherence. He considered how to write a linking chapter to achieve this. Inhaling a vole, and sharpening his anvil, he set to work ...
Alex Murphy the paratrooper adjusted the Amulet of Yendor with fine tweezers, as the sweating pr0n shop dealer looked on. If he failed, he'd blow the whole sleazy building to kingdome come, leading to multiple deaths besides annoying the watermelon, to the distress of Hermit and his aged mother Mamapie. "How would Siggy Moltke or Hubris Michelob have handled this?" he thought, as he sprinkled a fine dusting of Bisto on the dial of the amulet. But his old comrades were not on hand. The problem was his, and his alone. With a sweating brow he made a final adjustment. There ... it was done!
The amulet emitted a blinding flash as it sent a powerful signal light years through the ether in a millisecond, causing Bix Blok's timeship to veer alarmingly to starboard, knocking a random interstellar statue of Oscar Wilde in the Aztec ahuacatls. A literary crisis was at hand!
Immediately Alex Murphy sent a distress call to his old university Tutor, the tweed-jacketed Folger Bruntage (great-grandson of the the eminent Victorian poet of the same name, who dealt mainly with the ambiguities of food additives). Bruntage answered his distress call in an instant, excusing himself from the clutches of a dripping Brenda Bodilicious, donning his lycra superhero suit, and streaking off to the scene of the collision, after a quick fortifying snack of onionchip cookies, chased down with a fifth of vodka (an old trick of Joseph Stalin).
At the junction of Betelgeuse and Polyp he was delayed by an intergalactic speed trap, manned by the hated redneck pipolion, Sargeant Tnaegras, but a deft swipe with a rusty chainsaw swiftly had him on his way again. "If only Job-Job the iguana hadn't done what he did back when he did it" thought Bruntage, brushing a tear from his eye. But there was work to be done! As he streaked through the firmament, he thought nostalgically of his childhood in Iraq, Maine, and the annual leprachaun licking festival. How much simpler life was then ... no kitten huffing, no giant staplers, no Shakepeare on Broadway.
He wiped away another tear as the writhing image of Oscar Wilde's statue howling and clutching his ahuacatls came into sight. A small crowd had gathered round ... he recognised Big Sven, wearing a Hello Kitty jockstrap, the convivial petrol attendant Francois Garnier (who had a large vehicle embedded in his forehead) as well as the entire hockey squad of Malmkoping, captained by the legendary Croatian goalkeeper, Beefi Ziana, who were on an illicit Toad Elevating tour. The hockey players were visibly amused at the unconvincing explanations Blix Blok was giving for the collision, while, back on earth, Alex Murphy shrugged, returning the Amulet to his trouser pocket with a barely audible Japanese oath, a job well done, thanks to Bisto.
As he took his leave of the still sweating pr0n shop dealer, he (Alex, not the ever-sweating pr0n shop dealer) jiggled his avacados and thought laviscous thoughts of his belovedly viscious Julia, and their honeymoon in Narnia ....
Bruntage pushed his way through the crowd toward the agonised poet. Deftly opening a small tin of Princess Peaches, he sprinkled the juice on Wilde's ahuacatls, bringing instant relief. "My good man" wheezed the relieved poet, "There is only one thing worse than being saved, and that is not being saved. Whatever can I do to thank you?" he simpered, as he linked his arm through that of his rescuer. The two strode off jauntily, to the enthusiasic clapping of the bystanders.
As the words were leaving his mouth. a huge Black Lobster came into shape. Black Lobsters are the main minions of the Holy Pie, god of the religion of Pieism. They were lead by the JoJo, the Pie Incarnate! He stabbed the poet, then rode away with the army of Lobsters... .
meanwhile, the underground hobos where plotting a revolt. as they all came charging out of the subway tunnel armed with plastic spoons,they where all hit by some old lady driving the car insanley crazy. But one hobo survieved the slaughter and went back to tell the reinforcements. they where furious! all 234923465329 of the reinforcements came charging out and got ran over by the same old lady. who then was later car bombed by ali musfani hussan moham tofan ringle zaba alialia mustafa smith.
in a local dunkin donuts bob was waiting in line behind a fat guy. the fat guy ordered 5436 dozen donuts. the fat guy looked at the donuts and had a heart attack. bob who ordered 1 donut and ate it, suddnely gained 700 pounds. the cops quickly arrested bob for murderering the fat guy and eating him.
Bob was immediately released by the police when they suddenly realsied he wasn't black, but an honest, hardworking, clinically obese, white American. But Bob had problems again,when trying to leave, his old motorbike became firmly wedged between his buttocks, waddling over towards the mechanics he suddenly realized he didn't have a motorbike, and that the faint grumbling wasn't his stomach, but a poor single father, of two now orphaned children. But, all was not lost. Parked outside the mecahnic's, was a Series III Land Rover, for a not-unreasonable AU$3,500. He waddled over to it, not expecting that it was...
already bought and paid for by an Irishman who was going through an identity crisis. As Bob peeked through the window of the car, the new owner stepped around the other side and greeted him. 'Ah hello me bye! No thinkin o' nabbin' me new wheels are ye?' Bob looked up guiltily. 'Oh no sir. I didn't know it wasn't for sale anymore. That's quite a good price.' 'Ah yes, bought and paid for not one hour ago.' The stranger was of medium height and slim with a darkish complexion. 'I'm going to drive her all the way to Brazil starting tomorrow.' Bob extended his hand for a shake.'I'm Bob. Nice to meet you....Brazil, eh? Want any company?' The Irishman shook Bob's hand and said, 'Name's Brock. Brock O'bama. Sure, you can come along if you like.' Bob thought the man seemed nice and thought he could use a change of scenery. As they traveled Bob found that Brock was talkative but was generally repetitive in his statements. But Bob figured 'eh, what the hell...' and enjoyed the ride. Brock offered to pay all the fuel costs and even buy all the food. Bob thought Brock must be loaded. 'So Brock, what do you do for a living?' 'I talk. I inspire people. I collect money from people who have jobs and give it to people who don't, like us. I'm like a modern day Robin Hood.' This was fine with Bob because he never really wanted to work in the first place. they traveled and ate and had a great trip. Then one day Brock talked so much his own head fell into his mouth and he disappeared. Bob grabbed the steering wheel just in time to run over a flock of nuns crossing the highway. He felt confused about Brock's disappearance and he felt horrible about the nuns. He would'nt have felt so bad if he had run over a flock of kid-touching priests. Bob eased the car back into gear and sped away. Forty miles later he picked up a teenage hitchiker named Suzy Snatch who gave him some nice pills to eat. Minutes later he pulled the car over in a daze. As his eyes closed he heard her saying,'I've got this kitten. I've got this kitten....' Bob awoke with his nose itching and suzy's head in his lap. attemting to scratch his itching nose he found what felt like fur. looking in the rearview mirror he found aan orange fuzzy tale twitching in his nostril. with a mighty yank he pulled th kitten out of his nose and the itch subsided. the kitten looked up at hima and said, "thanks a lot, assbag." a nd scurried off. Bob looked down at the back of suzy's head in his lap. her blondish hair was lank and oily. she had apparently fallen asleep while slobbering on his knob. his pudgy pecker had gone limp in her drooling face. but feeling her hot breathe on him there seemed to bring it back to life. so he licked his right middle finger and, sliding his hand down the back of her tight jeans, started massaging her anus. within minutes she awakened to a heat in her nethers and proceeded to gobble his advancing cock. unfortunately, it had been so long since he had been laid that she choked on his load and nearly died. so he punched her in the face and kicked her out of the car. On the road alone, bob drove as fast as he could to the nearest truckstop and got a grape nehi. he decided to wash up in the bathroom and then take a nap in the car. he woke groggily in the noght and stepped out to piss. on his way back to the car he heard what sounded like dragging, lurching footsteps behind him. he stopped to looked around and realized he was suddenly surrounded by zombie lot lizards! they all moaned thier ragged moans, calling, "semen.....semen....." because these were whore zombies and not regular brain eating zombies, commonly found in other regions. the zombies grabbed Bob and pulled him to the ground and made him penetrate all of them.every way, every hole, hthey drained him of his juice and his strength. them they made him put on a new kids on the block t shirt and tight roll his jeans. he lay weeping and exhausted beside his car when he heard more footsteps approaching. "not again...." Bob?" is that you? it was julia! the rapist raper! "i heard you were stoned to death!" he said. "well i was stoned but there's no pot anywhere that can kill me. let's fuck." so Bob got his shit together and gave it a go.
edit Meanwhile on Earth
In the year 2007, the rock band The One were founded. With the release of their 3 song album One and One and One is Three they became the most popular band on Earth, surpassing Captain Beefheart and his magic band. They broke up over creative conflicts in 2008. Currently, their record sales are at 100 billion billion units worldwide. The single "Purple Food" has sold 14 trillion copies.The accompanying film, of the same name was an utter disaster. And this was because of a sabotage by the Monkees. But not really, because everybody knows that the Monkees suck at EVERYTHING they do, causing "The One" to reform and make music about mexicans, polar bears, jesus and Franklin D. Roosevelt. The newly reformed 'The One' found a scientist who could join them all into one conciousness, which he did for a nominal fee. With their metamorphoses complete, they ran for president of the world on the platform that they were no less qualified than any other candidate and of least they were popular for creating 'enduring works of art', rather than just because they were new. They won by a landlide. Soon peace and plenty were the defining term of the world. And all the regular people who had jobs and paid taxes got tired of footing the bill for everyone else's peace and plenty and rioted in the streets. This shortlived rebellion was put down by the friendly world government with peace guns and welfare rockets and bailout grenades. Those few who survived the onslought were sent back to work and had their taxes raised to pay off the war aginst themselves. There were orgies in the white house an they gave out free crack and children's chewable heroin on wall street. and everybody thought it must be okay, because their government would never do anything to harm them. And there was blood. The End. Actually it's not the end cos there was a cow that did drugs. The cow was suddenly struck with bolemia and had to be put down, by a farmer named Jeff; this is his story...
Jeff was born in the small village of McHeegle-Hogleten-by-the-small-river-just-next-to-the-post-office, to Barack McNoggle; and his wife Betty. For a time there was a great happiness, until one day Barack was kidnapped and brainwashed by terrorists. After that sad day Betty had to raise Jeff on her own. She could not afford to provide Jeff with the basic living standards, so she sent him away to a secret academy, to be trained as a ninja.
And thsu began Jeff's wholly uninspiring bus journey to the ninja academy of Stoke-on-Trent (where slash was born!). The bus journey continued for hours while Jeff listened to Rick Astleys "Never Gonna Give You Up" on a continuous loop, until that fateful afternoon at the motorway services where his bus was attacked BY GODDAM PIRATES WITH FLAMTHROWERS FULL OF AIDS!
Jeff's ninja training was hard, but he worked very hard and his master, Gary Glitter, was so impressed with his progress that he gave him private sessions in his study. But after many years of training Jeff was finally ready for his final challenge, a battle to the death, with the grand ninja, Will Smith.
During the battle Jeff recieved a scar to his left cheek and Will's momma got scared so he had to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air. After his victory Jeff left the training village to strike out on his own journey, here's where the UnStory really starts, to find his father.
Meanwhile on AIDS island, Captain Von Tardmeister was licking his wounds (and his lead paint covered walls) having lost 90% of his crew to Jeff's invulnerability to cutlasses and flint lock pistols (as his father had often attempted to kill him with an array of 18th century weapons in fits of historical re-enaction inaccuracies inspired rage). He stood up, raied his hook to the sky, took a deep breath and got real high and shouted at the top of his breath "WHAT'S GOING ON?! oh and also i will have revenge on Jeff the soon-to-be-ninja for killing all me loyal hearties, and whatnot". He hopped on board his ship, the HMS Grindcore and sailed into the horizon, awaiting the day he and Jeff's destinies would meet and it would be really cliched and predictable.
Jeff travelled to Mexico in search of a fabled wise man; in the hope that he might discover the location of his father. As he pulled his car in to a park, he narrowly avoided a mysterious young child; luckily he hit the old lady sitting on a park bench.
He opened his car door, stepped outside, but accidentally stepped on the wise old man's crotch. "There you are, you fabled wise old man" said Jeff. "Ouch" replied the old man.
Then Jenkins, Jeff's older brother from another mother capped his ass.
Like a bolt from the blue, the 07.41 from Chipping Sodbury sped through the station and the wind whipped the secret papers from Maxwell's hand. He froze like an American hit with irony, and burst into tears. Those papers represented 4 months work, and were the only copy. The photocopier that lay before him cried with joy as he realized what was happening.
"So, old man, could you help me find my father?" said Jeff "Fuck off, that could have been a serious injury" said the wise man. "Look", said Jeff with a sigh,"I need to find my father, its really important". "Now see here, sonny, I told you to fuck off and that is that." said the wise old man. And with that, Jeff sadly left the country of Mexico to continue to look for his father.
Meanwhile, the wise man had plans of his own. He had scotch-taped 756 pigeons to his arms and upper back, and was attempting to dust his crops the hard way. Passing motorists would often cry out: "Good God, man, you can't possibly be doing what it appears to me that you are doing!" To which, the wise old man would wisely tell them to "fuck off", and grab both his feet with both his hands, thus widening the gap between each of his butt-cheeks, as well as the gap between the motorist and the wise man's airborne feces. The motorists would then swerve directly off a cliff that the wise man had wisely placed in the middle off the street.
edit A Word on Manual Crop-Dusting
Shit. Realy thats all you have to do. You shit in the hand and add the bird to your stones. If that isn't making any sense to you then skip directly to step number thirteen.
NEW STORY _--------
eating a stove can be veryfriendfriendfriendsaidfact i am using a wii is lighting pe-mailfyidecidefrienddoesfriendfromf5yeygttytyuhjyrhj
puteeesdvb vddrreryhn vvdrewrtijkoutrwwadfbjkjuyrewedfgnnk
gdwwryhbdreedbjoyr445yho6refh f5yfg6e33dgncdtuuytrrf freedghdrecvbgytfv bftrrerdfggytttttfb bbgfttrr4434tggfb vdseyugvddrtyyu665rtffghjjhgfdtbbgyttrtyte34ugbbb k
i am mad if you edit
edit Something worth reading about a Grue
Someday you were walking down the hill and found some golden pot (marijuana) and start feeling lucky!
Then you are eaten by a Grue.
Yes, that is what you thought happened, but you were actually still alive in there. The Gure ate the marijuana aswell and fell asleep. Then he started rollig down the hill and into the ocean. Because of that he woke up and thought he was reborn as a fish so he married a fish. Then the Gure got hungry again and ate the fish. The fish died.
THE ACTUAL END
edit THE UNFINISHED END
In the Grue's stomach you are squirming. Luckily, Chuck Norris passes by and kills the Grue. You escape. You run away as fast as you can, across deserts and desserts. Until you reach Tesco-
Once there you immediately begin buying beers only to realize that they are not beers at all but distilled cabbage juice, but you're utter need for Cheese-itz make you uncaring of the unbearable taste.
u then find a mushroom and eat it......well u pass out ok. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OMG You Woke up. well ur lookin around and u see elmo. well you thought it was elmo tell he started cuttin his arm and candy came out. by now u kno ur trippin balls and u need 2 get home because this is no dream were Chuck Norris can come save u.....
suddenly without warning elmo begins running. You have to follow him, you don't know why or how but you do. As you begin sprinting after him you realize he's too fast and is getting away. Suddenly helicopters fly over and you see a colosseum in the distance. Elmo is obviously leading you there, so you pick up speed and keep running.
You reach the colosseum and follow elmo through one of the many arching gates. As you run through the dark tunnel, you lose track of elmo, but find your way to the armory.
well u look around and u find a mop, a shoe bomb, a ring of keys, ur long lost lucky fork(OMG i Found it!), and a deathnote.
you decide to grab all of the items and begin running down the other hallway. when you reach the end of the hallway you go out onto the battlefield of the colosseum and find many a great warrior battling. You see sonic and Knuckles tearing through a horde of undead zombies while tails is saved by bill gates and master chief double teaming Walugi. As you look in wonder Mario runs up to you and yells "Whats'a with you man, you need to get out there a'right now and help!"
well with out thinking u throw the shoe bomb and kill them all......but that was only round 1 this time its the final battle. a door starts 2 open. out walks cloud and leon....(where have i seen this b4)......well u pull out ur mop and leon cuts it 2 lil bits. u start runnin and cloud flys over 2 attack u. at that time u throw ur lucky fork and.........
suddenly the wicked witch of the west grabs your fork in mid-air and runs it through leon. He looks down and sees your fork stick out of his torso, looks at cloud, and then falls over dead. Cloud unleashes a yell of rage and swings his massive sword at the witch. it shatters as he hits her and he is incinerated. You begin falling through time and space as you see you are leaving the dimension you were just in as the wicked witch of the west tears it apart and renter another almost clone dimension but everyone is alive again. cloud and leon are now beside you fighting against the masses of evil grues and Pikachu begins using thunder to destroy a tower so that it falls on the grue army.
well at this moment the tower is not fallin and u find a pen on the ground u pic it up. wen u look up theres this really ugly lookin thing standin there...."my name is rem" it says it starts tellin you about the deathnote you have. well u stop look around no 1 esle can c her. so you ask y she tells u because u have my book. well shes sayin that all ur friend(the ppl that u blew up)will die if u dont help them. she said u can use the death note but u need a name and face. u dont kno the grues names......... she makes THE DEAL wit u. so that u can win.(the deal is u give up half ur life 4 the eyes. the eyes let u see any1s name and lifespan.)
As you are talking with it the tower begins to fall again and you die. But you are reincarnated as Mike Tyson and contract several STD's from biting off peoples' ears.
(but thats only for a split sec it was a day dream u had.)u look around and every 1 is diein so now u look at rem and say. "i want 2 make the deal.." at this time ur eyes turn red and u start whitein the names. but u stop and think about u stop and think about how the should die wait thats it and as u write how they die it starts.........
Suddenly, as the many people begin dying, a magical genie comes to you and tells you "this a dream within a dream within a dream and so on and so forth. Your reality doesn't exist and never will, nothing you do matters, and as long as you keep messing up like you are right now you'll keep haveing to restart over again over and over and over."
well now ur pissed at the genie now and yell fuck that shit. now u write his name in the deathnote. say that he will die from a nuke goin off in side of his brain. u start runnin like hell tryin 2 get away but wen he gets blowen up u get sucked through a black hole that poped up and then you find urself in a skool......OMG Y. Y Would U Bring Me Here Of All places i cant take it!) u think..... well u see a door and walk over 2 it and its locked. u remember the key ring u look at it....theres only 1 key you un lock the door some how and go through ..... but wat u see its just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!........ YOUR COCK TURNS INTO A VORTEX OF INFINITY AND YOU GET BLOWN THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!. YOU DECIDE TO SHIT ON MY FUAAKSDKJALSDJKJDJJKSJKDJKJSKJKDJ
edit The Unlimited Epilogue
You read this article, after mysteriously being able to survive both being an Uncyclopedian and being eaten by a Grue, stabbed, shot, electrocuted, shot, burned to death, killed, hypnotize, raped, shot, and stabbed again for good measure. You also manage to survive reading this article. You must be a God, man. How do you do it?
Then you come to the realization that you've been given the powers of Ras Puten and that is how you've survived everything.
edit To Be Continued
Right now. A fly was flying through the air when it came across Peter Pan who was sitting down in a very strange position. The fly asked Peter Pan,'Why do you never grow up Peter Pan?'...Peter Pan got up, brushed the dust off his newly raped arsehole and responded 'I was once a rich boy, at a very private school, but little did i know that it wasn't private enough, for when i went to the bathroom my favorite priest William Shatner (who had previously spent many nights at my place for sleep overs, as we were best of friends) came in and and then left, a little later at home i found a hole in the back of my underwear. This is my first experience with AIDS, and that is why i never grow up.'The fly looked at Peter Pan for several minutes, then left. Peter Pan again sat down and then got up again, as he found a miniature hole in his underwear. The end.
'pooooopooopopooopooopooooopooo.' calmly proclaimed esther rantzen at a street campaign , the crowd yelled back 'POO! POO! POO! POO! POO!' it was the culmination of several years of campaigninginginginginn ing, and now they were going to do it to finally seize the day, they marched down the street, a single anti-poo-protester was pwned by a tank on the way, his last words were reported to be 'piss.' but anyway, they marched all the way to number 10, leaving a pile of shit and devastation in thier wake. as esther Rantzen or however the fuck you spell her name, approached the door, Gordon Brown stepped out, confused, Esther Ranting stared hard into his eyes, the fear/confusion spread across his face, as the crowd proclaimed 'POO! POO! POO!' and thier aholes opened in anticipation, Esther shouted at the top of her lungs 'LET MY PEOPLE SHIT!!!' and the crowd farted in agreement, and then
'IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!!!' shouted Tony Blair, as he brutally fried Esther's saggy tits off.
Then to prevent a riot Gordon Brown-Arse quickly called down the mighty poo space god of shit, and other unsightly bodily excrements, the sky split apart, and then suddenly and completely
'IMMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR.' said the great space being and he did kill all those who did not follow the teachings of Scattus Christ, and boobs did felleth down from the sky as a reward for all of his faithful excrementarians, suddenly reality aspoded under the laws of WTF??!!!! The End. POO!!!
Or so the audience of Uncyclopedia thought, when suddenly, a new end cropped up, thinking to itself, "What the heck am I doing here?" Uncyclopedia Society members quickly explained to it, before it did any harm to itself or others, that it was to end the story, unpooily and nicely, for the more nit-picky members of the Society. So it ended, right there, in the paragraph below: The world was converted by the Christian Democratics(a clan of christians who feel it is their god-given right and duty to be idiotic imbeciles to anyone and everyone that crossed their path, yet still be self-righteous and unbearably insufferable) into a fierce and ravaging lion. Earth the Lion, licking it's bloodthirsty chops, eyed the nearby Venus hungrily, and looked around to see if anyone was watching. Jupiter was, but it was too far away to do anything. With a graceful lunge, Earth the Lion snarfed Venus. Venus died a quick death, painlessly. The other planets held a memorial service on Alpha Centauri. Earth the Lion died a few weeks later from a case of severe indigestion. This story is used as a moral for young children. The moral is that it is Vicious and Wrong to Snarf Venus. Take it to heart, fellow Uncyclopedians, and never become a Christain Democratic Member, as they are self-righteous and unbearably insufferable, and have a tendancy to convert things, like planets, into things that they shouldn't be, such as lions. This can cause all inhabitants of the object to die miserably in a black hole, unless by chace, they are sucked into a vortex, and arrive, unharmed, in Heaven. But, wait! There was a problem at the Postal Service that day.
Everyone at the Post Department was on strike, because they didn't get paid enough peanuts.
edit Chapter six, part two, scene 4, act 2,348
The g3n3r4l reloaded his gun and said to his men "Boys. Today is the day you will turn into men, men who will conquer thier fears. Men who will kill thier enemies in the bat of an eyelid. pick up your controlls gentelmen, the time of reckoning is neigh." Suddenly, nazi zombies poured from every orifice of the building screaming for blood lolz. Barry put down his/her control. He/she'd spent enough time on COD to make any normal man/woman sterile. But barry was no normal man/woman, he had both male and female sexual organs and was fully prepared to use it, them. Barry was in a state of discontent, spending the first 17 years of his/her life being fed pop tarts intravenously was not what he/she wanted to do with his/her life, he/she dreamed of bigger things... By 2020, Barry had landed himself/herself a book deal about his frighteningly uneventful life, most of which was spent in a coma, unknowingly being the communal jizz bucket for the hospitals janatorial staff. As he came to the end of writing his/her book he wrote..."Chapter six, part two, scene 4, act 2,348. In the end, all I ended up with was a lack of the ability to control my bowel movements due to my destroyed rectal muscles, a restraining order against a sect of nuns in bolivia and my fairly dull musical career under my alias "Lady Ga ga." Many years went by before the book was read, but in 2125 it was used to dispel a buff from a level 33 troll shaman in the great war against the lich king.
That's what Barry thought, but in 2253 he/she was brought back to life for a special interview about his/her book on the Jaklor Show. (By now, earth had been taken over by the Plobrons, but we all knew that already.)
edit the game
you lose haa haa haa the end? Not really, because a group of ninja robots hunted down the original creator of this story and smacked his face with fish. And that, my friend, is the end.
No it is not the end. For it came to pass Jesus Christ came back down to Earth and cut a nasty smelly fart and accidentally shit his parachute pants.
edit Re-spawning Time!
No, it is not the end, friends. A small group of Ewoks led by their fearless leader, the almighty Terydactal Man, have saved the creator. But shh, the ninja robots may come back. This is a replay of the battle.
"CHARGE, FELLOW COMERADES!" Terydactal Man shouted.
The Ewoks charged, sticks and small rocks raised in hand.
The ninja robots advanced, their shinyness taunting the Ewoks to just eat them.
The creator lay under the rubble, his face concealed.
An Ewok set off a bomb.
The rocks around the creator exploded.
The creator gets up, but it's not just any normal man. It's Dr. Octanognapus, and he's here to execute you all.
The creator shouts one battle cry:
"DOKT0R 0CTAGONAPUSS!!!" --Smooshster 14:47, October 23, 2009 (UTC)
And that, my friends, was the end of both the ninja robots and the Ewoks.
But then, a stronger enemy rose from the ashes.
It was Bono.
Bono screamed in his high pitched voice "PLEASE! I WANT SOME CAKE!" He hi-jacked an ambulance and began to rescusitate The Ewoks. They all drove round for hours in the ambulance running over the ninja robots heads,just to see the sparks. The Ewoks started to kill Bono. And ate his insides. There was too much cake. Nearly all of them exploded due to being so fat.
The one remaining Ewok decided to excersise.
He started to pedal on his little Ewok bike.
He rode everywhere, round the mountains, up the trees. He was finally in shape five years after the awful cake incident. He hadn't stopped riding but one day he needed a wash. He put his bike down. And jumped in the bathtub filled with hot water and bubblebath that coincidently just happened to be there.
He got out of the bath, dried off, Shaved his sweaty nutsack and went back outside.
He would have got back on his bike.
It was gone.
There was a fat shape pedalling down the road on the bike.
A fat, black shape.
It was Doc Louis.
The little Ewok suddenly appeared to be in a pink tracksuit.
And that little Ewok said one thing, and one thing only.
"Nigga Stole My Bike"
edit And then
Something that no one on earth cares about happens and a poor soul read this story to thee end and died.
Once apon a time, the end.
edit The Raven
Once upon a midnight dreary
While I pondered weak and weary
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
-Tis some visitor- I muttered
Tapping at my chamber door
Only this and nothing more
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow
Vainly I had sought to borrow from my books surcease of sorrow
Sorrow for the lost Lenore
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain, thrilled me
Filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; this it is and nothing more
Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer
-Sir- Said I
Or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, and so faintly you came tapping Tapping at my chamber door, that I scarce was sure I heard you.
Here I opened wide the door
Darkness there and nothing more
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
-Surely -Said I
Surely that is something at my window lattice
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter
In there stepped a stately Raven of the Saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he, but, with mein of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door perched upon my bust of Pallas just above my chamber door Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
-Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou.- I said -Art sure no craven, ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the nightly shore-Tell me, tell me what thy lordly name is on the night's Plutonian shore!-
Quoth the Raven THE END
edit The Canary
Following the story of a man who can't get over his wife's death, came the classic story, the Canary. It's actually more like a kid's version of the Raven, but with colors and joy. And so, here is an excerpt from the story. Ehem!
"The Canary stepped in the door,
did a tapdance along the floor,
jumping and fluttering all around,
then it stopped and did nothing more
I looked at it along the floor,
'til my eyes began to sore,
the Canary jumped and bowed it's head,
then it left and it was nothing more."
I hope you enjoyed that wonderful excerpt from the Canary, featured in New York Times, somewhat circa 1800s. It never made it big, only because the Publishers immediatly threw it in the fire, gave the author a couple of dollars and then left him in the streets. We know this man to be Mel Gibson.
edit Insert Title Here=
Once upon a Friday teatime, a novelist decided to start a new book. Unfortunately, this fellow had no arms, and so, he had to imagine the story in his head...
He couldn't write it so he blinked it to his fat mum.
Then his best friend Fat Mum gave him a handjob as he had done every day since the novelist lost his arms at a Wham! concert.
This was of course the great Leprosy concert of 1987. It caused a lot of controversy, due to the fact that there was no alcohol for sale anywhere.
edit The day after time stopped
One day on December 31, 9999 at 11:59:59 little did people know that time was going to end. Once the clock struck midnight time stopped. However time shifts appeared at random and allowed time to flow like normal for about 5-10 seconds. Then after 5 days in time it finally became the day after time stopped. A person named bob unpaused and the world started falling apart. He ran as fast as he could as everything behind him was being eaten by a God grue! He used skateboards rockets... rocket propelled skateboards to get away! He then fell into the dark space where the God grue had already been. He then saw the God grue get closer and closer...And then it swallowed him whole and alive.when he fell down the throught he saw a black hole at the bottom. Is this the end of bob? Apperantly its the end of this story if someone doesn't continue it!
Yet, as it turns out, the world, including Bob, is actually a vampire. He and it were sent to dra-i-a-i-a-i-ain. They are secret destroyers, and they will hold you up to the fire. the end. my turn.
wicked world of wacky wonders in wild weird whooper whip willy win!
i dug my keys into the side of his brand new souped up 4 wheel drive.....just kidding :D:D:D:D yip yip doggy dead dying dreadfull dreadlocks! stop! story time! once upon your mom, in a time that was known as yesterday, everybody had pickles and cream for breakfast. then the earth shook, the earth screamed, the earth rocked out to the hottest bands. then the next day, the earth had a hangover. stoned, drunk, stoned, dead, stoned, high, stoned, sore, and stoned, the earth rolled out of bed and immediatly fac3eplanted in venuses daisys. venus kicked him off and into uranus, wich started a big fight between the planets, and jupiter crushed pluto. then earth woke up and the other planets banished him to crash into the sun. the earth then learned the art of butt kicking from the sun, and he took his new sckillllllls and destroyed the rest of the planets parents parenthesis pansies partisans patricia.
blood and guts pour across the floor as your hero (not mine) SKATES ACROSS the gathering puddle of viscous ooozing disgustingness. mouth to mouth resusitators tryed epicaly to save the pepl before realizing that they had no loower bodies, for all had been taken by the IDIOT CATERPILLAR PUNKS!!!!!!!!!!! "thy lives are ended in a most dreadful and disgraceful way" said the caterpillar boss. "thou art having no way to escape!" your hero slaps him a cross the face with a bumblebee and slips through a big pile of steeming..........
Moisture; the ultra EPIC n00bfest.
potato salad. IN THE MEANTIME, THE CAPS-LOCK BUTTON HAD BEEN ENGAGED, AND THEN STOLEN BY THE EVIL PAC-MAN. THIS MEANT COMPUTERS WORLDWIDE WERE NOW UNABLE TO TYPE IN ANYTHING BUT CAPITAL LETTERS. THIS LED TO A WORLD WIDE EPIC OF SHOUTING, MEANING AFTER A FEW YEARS THE HUMAN RACE BECAME DEAF, AND STARTED TO EVOLVE INTO UN-HEARING CREATURES. THIS LEAD TO MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF CONFUSION WHEN REFERING TO THE NUMBER SIX, WHICH WAS OFTEN CONFUSED WITH SEX. AFTER SUCH A MISTAKE, A GREAT HERO WAS BORN, AND GIVEN THE NAME BACONEMIZER. BACONEMIZER LED A RATHER UN REMARKABLE CHILD HOOD; HE WAS BORN FULLY GROWN. HIS FIRST GREAT ACT OF HEROISM WAS TO RESTORE THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON, MEANING THE HUMAN RACE REGAINED THE ABILITY TO TYPE IN LOWER CASE. Much like this. This brought a new era of bacon-fueled peace to the planet. Then, one fatefull day, our hero was tragically killed after huffing an orange kitten. Luckily, Chuck Norris chose this moment to roundhouse-kick the orange kitten away, and so our hero was saved. However, the poor orange kitten, upon being kicked by Chuck Norris, hit a brick wall and made a cartoon-style imprint through the wall. Then the cat landed on a tar road and became roadkill.
And one may ask what came of the cat? Following a hard stint in a rehabilitation clinic to finally kick his kitten huffing habit, our hero returned to the world to find that people had forgotten about all his good deeds in restoring the caps lock key to civilization. People had returned to their everyday lives of starting sentences and proper nouns with capitals and had used their re-established powers to write slanderous tabloid articles, detailing Baconemizer's kitten huffing habit. There were entire broadcasts devoted to making public Baconemizer's despicable habit, lengthy interviews with the various underworld Pet-shop owners who happily gave up details of back-room kitten dealing in exchange for free subscriptions of the Daily Mail and revelational undercover pictures publicising Baconemizer's underground Kitten-Distillery. All this was too much for our hero who after 7 years bringing himself out of the darkest depths, decided that it wasn't worth it. In the dead of night he left the house of his mother without her noticing and was found the next morning by the janitor at the zoo, lying naked, drenched in curry sauce with his head up the rectum of a Tiger.
Then he woke up. He is doused in the semen of finn from that shitty cartoon network show. Then he goes to carolina and votes for alvin green for president of da poo poo. Then he will stalk sarah palin on twitter masturbating to her facebook tweet posts. He decide its time to buckle down so he grabed a dick and pointed it at ur wenis. He cokd it and hoped for the best. Then u give child birth to your self for 1979 long hours deleviring urself inside out and masturbating to a smashed pumpkin. So u both decide the only thing to do is to get desperate and watch Tosh.0. You repediatley Fuck and Rape and Have Forced intercouse with ur Sister then your cousin and then your cousins friends gay retarded neice. So at this part the only reasionable thing to do is to go on eharmany and cheat on ur pile of doo doo. So u post that u like long walks in the park, candlelit dinners and masturbating in bed. Then ur done u pull the trigger and he wakes up. WTF just happened. u jumped from 2'nd person to th 3'rd person. You are now Jesus. The World is yours.
Until u screw over Finn the retarded Hispanic drug dealer from that shittty show from cartoon network but in the 1'st demension. U are so distacted of how u had sex with ur cousin and u banged ur best friend to death u don't notice all the Moist Pickles and DIldos invading ur Ice Palace. You snort all ur sperm cocaine up ur ass and u pick it out. He pops a blood vesel u are once again distracted from the Mosits Pickle Dildos invading ur ice palace. They have sodomy with ur family right infront of his door. You pull down ur trousers. And tell them to say hello to ur little friend. Which is actualy little. Like .0024421013586 inches long. And u ejaculate all over ur self. Not helping u release the gimp. Then bruce willis escapes the pawn shop in ur basement. While the black guy from Green Mile is being raped. Bruce Willis kills all the pickle dildos with a sword. Then the black guy from The Green Mile promises to go medieval on finns ass. Its on biatch. But just then the demensions combust with the caps lock being enabled once again AND THE MAGICAL 4'TH DEMENSION IS FORMED.
edit Adventure time with Finn and Tony Montoya =
It's adventure time. Come on grab ur dick, we'll rub to very many things. With Tony Montoya the big long fat ass dick and finn the dimension hopper the sexuality will neva end. Unfortunately, the story was deemed unfit and so it ended abruptly. But a seqeull came out just now and a roving gang if Tom Brokaws got all up in Finns Grill causing him great discomfort. Soon it became apparent that Tom Brokaw was broke... awww... The story seeming retarted at this point was replaced with a brand new plot including boobs, violence and and those bite size hot dog things
edit Boobs, Violence and Bite Size Hot Dog Things
2 words, pure Awesome. That was four words. Now it's 11. Acording to a flashback of tom hanks his 'Bestest thing in the whole wide world' was 'Small child roasting on a spit' historians have translated this into ' Blow me you hippie fags.
edit Hippie Fags
Oftentimes one has the inclination to request the blowing of ones self by what is known as a "hippie fag." This will generally end in genitalia dismemberment due to the notoriously sharp, unkempt teeth of these "hippie fags," which will ultimately result in infection. The historians whom have translated the statement 'blow me you hippie fags' have since the last publishing of this Unstory withdrawn their statement, replacing it with the following:
"Hey you [hippie fags that I appear to be looking at at this particular moment in time]! I want to blow you [hippie fags that I appear to be looking at at this particular moment in time] so hard that your Gramma [that is in the hospital at this particular moment in time and I am very sorry for insulting] is going to feel it [my mouth that is salivating to the thought of performing oral sex on you] up her butt hole and through her mouth!"
This has been relatively ill-received by the Hippio-Ameriacan public and many death threats to these historians, namely Oscar Wilde and Florence Nightingale. On that cheerful note, we resume our Unstory.
edit Bob, Jenny, and a Big Ball
We meet two heroes embarking on a journey to the future.
"Where are we going, Bob?" One hero asks.
"I don't know, Jenny. I was just walking," Bob replies. And so they were "just walking" because they didn't realize that they were heroes and needed to do some world saving. In fact, they were the ones that will need saving in just a moment!
"What is that, Jenny?" Bob asked.
"I don't know, but for some reason I feel that we are going to die," Jenny replied.
The thing they were talking about is that large ball floating in the sky. Well, it isn't really floating. It is actually falling. Which means that it will hit the ground soon. In fact, it hit the ground right now! It landed right on Jenny and Bob and they both died. And so, the big ball decides to become the new hero of the story! He is actually the real hero, those Jenny and Bob guys were just frauds.
The big ball has no clue where to go next, so he just goes rolling off into a cave, because stuff always happens in caves and they are all over the place so it makes sense. Inside the cave, the big ball found a large altar that seemed to be made for worshiping some kind of God or something. He investigated the statue and found a note.
"Hahaha, we have stolen your princess! Come and get her, if you dare!"
The big ball never had any princess. He didn't even exist before a few minutes ago. He had no idea what this thing was talking about. Wait! It must just be the quest starter for one of those dumb cliche RPG things where you fight huge bosses and stuff.
The big ball decided he would just go and find the guy that stole the princess, since it isn't like he has anything better to do. And so, he headed off in the direction the map that was on the note told him to go in.
He then proceed to eat the pie and fuck shit up his day is recounted in song.
Raped, pillaged, and gutter fucked I could only imagine the dick in your butthole As my hands grab your throat from behind No doubt For this whore I'll use the pressure point choke out Because when it comes to sluts It's a good chance your gonna see my glock, before you see my cock
Dark room awakening, strapped to the table The lights illuminate my instruments My pickaxe, snubnose, the sawnoff, the meatcleaver, the chainsaw You see what im workin' with? This isn't a dream bitch, to me, your nothing but a hole So when i look you in the eyes, the only words I say is I'm in full control
Horror when you see my face You've seen the blotters in the newspapers, you know I'm famous Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com So whore I'm gonna start this crap with a pickaxe to your anus Blood pours; fountains from this whore I look at my prick, and I know I'm craving more I grasp my cleaver, my tool of dismemberment hacking at your limbs, slipping in the blood on my floor Jamming your severed arm into your rancid vaginal pore
I spew at the sight of the slashed and gaped asshole Hyper-extented vaginal cavity fuels my urge to disembowel. Removal of your mangled innards, forceful extraction from your busted anus.
Now that I'm done with this brutalized cunt, As I walk away, I spark up a freshly rolled blunt. I left her there to die slow, This is how I show- The ball has been removed due to him/her/it destroying our innocence
edit Invasion of the 9-foot Banana Bugs
John was eating breakfast one afternoon and reading the day's newspaper. A rumor had been circulating for the past 17 years that banana bugs would come from Pluto and invade Earth. The bugs were said to be 9 feet tall and to look like bananas. The paper said that the bugs had finally arrived. John wasn't sure what to make of this, espescially since the date was April 1, 2070. He laughed it off, thinking it was just a joke. He finished breakfast and headed off to work.
John walked south on Main Street, and headed for the maglev station, where he boarded a northbound train. He normally commutes 500 miles to work every weekday to the nearby town of Shortvase, where he works as a nanotechnician, creating surround-sound entertainment systems for bacteria. Just 5 years earlier, in 2065, Dr. Hank Atchew Erchiff discovered that bacteria are far more complex than humans previously thought. They are emotional beings with two eyes each of which is made of a single platinum atom. The reason bacteria make people sick is, in fact, because they are emotionally distraught. Depressed bacteria infect people because they want to end their lives, and they know that all they have to do is get somebody sick, and it's death by antibiotic. The new microscopic surround-sound entertainment systems keep bacteria content, and now people rarely get sick. Doctor Erchiff's discovery is truly amazing. An hour and forty minutes later, John got off the maglev train in Shortvase, and then transferred to the subway for the short trip to the intersection of Mumbojumbo and Nonsense. Once he arrived at his office, located at 0 Nonsense Street, he noticed something was wrong. The palm trees were gone. Instead there were what looked like nine-foot bananas. They were the banana bugs. The bugs turned around, still munching on the palm trees. The bugs looked exactly like bananas, and they looked very appealing. They were tall, and looked intelligent and delicious. They were fluent in 170 languages, and were very polite. In all 200 banana bugs came to Earth, but only 7 of them came to Shortvase to introduce themselves. After 2 hours of talking with people, the bugs realized that they were highly compatible with humans and could do a lot to further human societies. Also, humans realized that the bugs were nice. The president of the Ustated Nites, Oback Barama, even flew home from France to greet them.
For seven years, humans and banana bugs lived in peace. A wormhole was established from Pluto to Earth, and high-speed space flights arrived daily, bringing more and more banana bugs to Earth. The bugs were excellent engineers, and a one-way flight from Pluto to Earth took only four days and cost just 200 Muz (Muz is the currency of Pluto). 200 Muz is 4 days wages on Pluto. Everything was going well, but both the banana bugs and the humans, smart as they were, overlooked a simple problem. Banana bugs eat primarily plutonium, which is readily available on Pluto, so the bugs are radioactive. On the first day of the eighth year since the first bugs landed, all the humans suddenly felt strange. They all grabbed pens and wrote poems about breaded, deep-fried omelets made with Croatian celery. Then all the humans yelled "Aaah!" and died. The bodies of the humans became electromagnetic waves which radiated out into space. I myself am a banana bug, and I'm writing this story to preserve history. I miss the humans. I wish we could have saved them. On a happy note, we found a cure for our radioactivity, a lime-green powder called gold triphosphate hexafluoral heptamolybdenide, AuP3F6Mo7. We regularly feed this powder to all the animals and bacteria. So the entire earth and all it's inhabitants are preserved except for the humans because it was too late for them.
John woke up in bed sweating. The Banana Bug invasion was all a dream! A nightmare! John had to accept the cold hard truth. He was a repressed homosexual who had sexual fantasies about raping his own anus with 9 INCH bananas. Somehow in his weird dream they transformed into 9 inch banana bugs. He secretly fantasized about getting raped by 9 inch banana dicks. Of course he was deeply sexually ambivalent. He was afraid of hard dicks going up his ass so he compromised with soft nine inch banana dick fantasies.
John got up got dressed and bought nine inch bananas from the grocery store that he planned on raping his own ass with when he got home. Unfortunately he was listening to Slayer on his ipod and suddenly felt macho and homophobic so he repressed his gay feelings again. He threw the bananas out the window and went to a strip club. He had several lap dances performed on him without his dick getting hard. Feeling confused again he drove home contemplating suicide. He watched an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 and jacked off fantasing about being Brenda and getting fucked by her own brother Brandon. John then cried and slapped his own face. He then farted loudly and laughted to himself.
edit The creation of the world, part MCMLXXXIV
In the midst of the night, a man stole away from his mother on Thanksgiving Day Eve. He tired of his mother's incessant nagging and unruly nit-picking, and wished for some time alone to contemplate what got him in this position in the first place. He realized, to his dismay, that it all started... when he was born.
And so, as he was slowly removed from the comfortable womb of his own mother, there was a slight disturbance. As he was halfway out, all of time stopped. All the commotion, the doctors and nurses running back and forth to ensure the stability of the ongoing operation and event, the machines and the people all frozen in time, and there was a light; a light that came upon the newborn child, and gave him freedom of movement. He looked about him, and saw a place bookmarked in time, and one of his first thoughts had to do with the wonder of why nothing was happening. At once there was a voice, and that voice was the voice of God. He did not understand the most basic aspects of theology, yet this voice to him seemed a powerful and strong one, yet one that could care and show compassion. It was a fatherly voice, and it spoke to him as if it was speaking to some creature of its own creation. This voice was sexually ambiguous, as was the infant, yet it seemed to be gently masculine in nature. The voice explained to him, in no particular language or tongue, but nonetheless he could understand perfectly what the voice was saying. The voice gently explained that the infant was a special creature, one that had the power of the Creator in his mind and body. The voice explained that there would come a time when the infant would learn of his true purpose, and when that time came the world would no longer be the glorious home it was intended to be. When that time came, the world would most likely cease to exist, at least not in the natural way it had been existing for a few thousand years. No-one will be reading this now, or by then, so I will continue to narrate these events at a later date.
THE END.UNTIL SOMETIME...IN THE FUTURE!
edit Back to the future of the past
Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the beginning, on a bright cold day in April, it was a dark and stormy night - a screaming comes across the sky, and a flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his fascinatingly unique cheeseball making George Foreman Lean Mean Fart reducing bean machine, (henceforth CMGFLMFRBM, or "that darned ambulatory appliance that cost a bundle and doesn't work" as the Elemenstor called it), as they dashed (and teetered) in pursuit of their quarry. The Elemenstor (whose name was not Wilford) nervously fingered the tiny, gleaming Amulet of Yendor around his neck and rotated the Ring of Power around his left middle finger, in preparation for the annual Battle of the Beans that was to be held the following Tuesday evening. "Oh I wish", said the Elemenstor, "Oh how I wish the fellow---Um...Th-thiiiisss isss veeryyy farmiliarr.." Without a moments notice, moments later a large ray of light stuck the earth beforth the Elemenstor. Through the Bright Light walked a small, short, and slightly more fat version of Emmet brown (The original creator of the Flux Capacitor). After looking at the short figure fora moment the Elemenstor said "Who the-This is not how this is supposed to happen.." Emmet looking back "Yes..Well, Things happen for no apparent reason sometimes..But unfortunaley I AM here for a reason. All of a sudden a chicken smashes into the earth before the Elemenstor. "This is all wrong....why are you here?! WHAT THE fuck IS WITH THE CHICKEN!" 'Well, that my friend, that was an 'unnecessary action" and its happening because of someone called "Alex Murphy". You don't know him, and you're not supposed to, but because of him, your world-this world, and your story will go through over 40 unnecessary fucking sequels!Thusmaking this world filled with all this"Unneccesary Action" I just call if Mmmphulgnifle for short- Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to go Back to the future! For your Now, which is, in all reality, the past of never and pop his
Cherry Parachute. Looking in a very not so much, but completely serious face said "I must do this...for me!" *Another chicken smashed into the earth. Emmet looks at, Elemenstor. Elemenstor stares back. Seriousness. " The its time for you to begin! Emmet presses the red button on a universal remote he pulled out of his pocket back when the Elemenstor nervously fingered the tiny, gleaming Amulet of Yendor, which will have no mention in the rest of this story. Or will it?! Moments later, a large, fat, platypus 10 times the size of normal, ran over on two of its six hand-claw-things. "What the FUCK IS THAT!!!" Yelled Elemenstor. Emmet replied back in a low voice "Are you fuckin' serious, its your ride....duh!" "How will the get me anywhere?!" "It was simple...err...not really, But I put a flux capacitor in it allow it to time travel!" Looking completely surprised, Elemenstor reply's back "Doc, YOU BUILT A TIME MACHINE...OUT OF A GIANT MUTANT PLATYPUS?!" "Yep..." *silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence**silence* "okay" The Elemenstor taking one more look back at Emmet, "What do i do now?" Emmet looks back "Just let it run, and say the name of the person in time you're looking for, and when that platy hits 5 miles an hour your gonna see some serious shit....Elemenstor and the platy pus were going, getting ready he though "what was that name?!" the platypus caught on fire "shit! is that supposed to happen?!" In his own moment of extreme unrealityness he screamed out Alec Baldwin!
Moments later he appeared on a giant white vessel only hear the word from behind him. "Its just words with friends lady!"
TO BE CONTINUED (Feel free to add on!)
edit After some time later and a change to first person
Suddenly russians appeared on you street followed by grues, with no where to run but over the fences into the forest, You grab A. Your pet rock B. Nothing and just run the hell for it, or C. A flashlight, If you picked the first two, you will be captured by the russians and eaten by the grues. Running through the forest as the sun was setting, you felt the sweat and terror of fear as you ran for your life through the slowly turning night of the forest. In the distance, people are screaming and dogs barking as grues and mass horrors of russian vodka are used to drink down the limbs of those poor souls :( After 30 mins of endless running due to adrenaline and sheer terror, you come upon a creek, SUDDENLY you hear foot steps, and run under a fallen tree to hide as you watch. YOU my lad or ma'am are lucky forthat guy/girl down the street that you've been crushing on for the past century have made it out alive. You say hello, and they say hi back, you can see the complete lost of mind in their eyes as they can not have seen what has just unfolded so rapidly before them. Then a dog appears with a lazy freaking cat on its back(cats.. still wouldnt run if a nuke fell on em). You post apocalyptic dream has come true! But you happiness falls short as you hear gun shots, you girl their hand, or they grab your hand and you run through the endless darkining foerest. After knowning you are well far away, you both stop with the dog and lazy cat, to make shelter. Being smart and watching the discovery channel when you do not feel like watching teen pregnancy on MTV, or when Game of Thrones is not on, you have learned to make a light durable shelter in the trees.
YOU WAKE UP STURDDLED(look man im not a dictionary) SUDDENLY. Your newly found love tells you there is a grue down below, the dog and cat whimper and hiss in fear as you hush them. Looking down you see the grue, walking around like they didnt give a fudge in the world. Of course, they suspect something is around them but can not figure out what, and simply move on. With a sigh of relief, you wait an hour and set off with your family. Assuming you some how live near the rocky mountains, or some other mountain range like the alps or andes. You formulate a plan to get as far as to the north or south, depending where you are at, to reach the winter cold.
As you trek, you move cautionsaly near roads but never out in the open, mayhem of destruction and chaos surronds every town and road. People are still running as grues chase them, its like a scene from resident evil for god's sake. Moving on, you find a shotgun on the ground and decide to take it with you. Knowing that a vehicle will be needed soon, you decide to break in with your partner to jack a SUV. Grues, Russians, people, and army men, running in choas as u drive off with your new car. Quickly making a quick get away to the outskirts of town.
Feeling depressed, you consult ur partner on what to do. The group now has added 1 young boy and girl, and a 40 year old man who was a former buisness now, now a master knife user in combat. Epic eh? There are 2 dogs now, and you have made friends with a eagle that used to be an owner of someone else that you met the night before, but sadly that owner died do to infected wounds from grues. Being wise the group uses the eagle and dog, not the cat since its so freaking lazy and gets huffed each morning...cats..you scout new small towns before moving on or big open plains. Avoiding many patrols of grues and russians, you continue, ima say north since I know about north americas geoparhy.. anyway. There is still fighthing going on betweent he US and the Grues with the russians. As your group passes by a fortified town, you are informed taht there is a large grue force in the way of your direction headed south to the town. After much debating, the group convinces you to stay and help defend the town. Sending the eagle to scout reguarly.
PEW PEW PEW LOLOL PEW PEW PEW, BOOOM PEW PEW BOOM, the shots of gun shots wake you up from a cold sweat from a terrible dream you just had. grabbing your shot gun, you take ur post up to where the group was orderd to be, leaving the 2 children behind with the dog and cat. The battle begins as grues attempt to break through the fortified defenses of the town while drunk russians shoot paintballs. The grues using their massive catapults to attack the town, destroy much of the dfenses. Terrifed you wont last long ufall back. You tell the 40 year old at a machine gun post we have to leave, he refuses, but take time to convince him, but finally submits. Grabbing you depending if ur a girl or grabs the girl, runs to the 2 children and loads up the SUV for a run for it. As you are about the enter, a grue appears behind u, your life flashes before your eyes.. then BOOM, the grew gets shot by a shotgun blast, of course grues are rather OP, it simply knocks the grue over giving u enough time to get thehell outa there. The person who fired, the young girl :( Sad about how a young girl had to save her life, you become determined you must become stronger to protect your group. You leave the burning town as you watch people run in terror as grues follow them. Life sucks man..
Day 8: avodiding all contact with cities towns, you have already covered 1000 miles of land. still far your goal. You and your crush since u were born are now in love, and will consider having a baby. Course taht means she/he dies giving birth or saving u. The second dog of the group has died already if i did not mention that, a grave was dug for him. poor dog :(. Neither though less, your group has become stronger, adding a military women, and another young man. Both of whom have been traveling for quite some time. Both of them teach you 3 how to fight grues to the best of your ability.
Lets add some happy things
You find a laptop and watch finding nemo. You still have a dog with u and ur love. You have strong memebers in your group. You know how to take down a russian. Still has hope, news that the government still hasnt collapsed. The Autobots have indeed rolled out. The War aganist machines wont happen for another year. AND THE BLOODY PENGUIN AND POLAR BEAR ARMIES are combing a joint effort to liberate the americas(Would take longer for the other side of the world) the Polar Bear Army has cooperated with the maple syrup loving canadians in defending their borders from russians and grues. Japan is still weird as ever. The P.S.F. (penguin special forces has created a strong defense in the US captial and taken most of Central America back in a paratrooper droop. the reest of the Penguin Empire Army has strong footholds in argentina and chile. Britian as always is still safe on its lil island. Good so far yea?
Bad things so far
Americas in collapse. Africa is still having endless civil wars as always, russians and grues ignored them. Europe has been conqured by space nazis and the Evil Micky Mouse, Grues have Auastralia, most fled to new zealand and hid in their forest. The Mars Rover blew up. Decepticons are taking over alpha centari. Russians are still drinking vodka and toke control of the middle east. China is still trying to figure out how to use a tank. War aganist machines will happen 1 year later. Google has already taken over the virtual world.
Now it is up to you to continue the posapoloypitic story of you, your lover, a dog, another dog, a lazy cat, a military women, a young man, and a 40 year old buisness man that has become Neo. Remember to include the machine war, we have to fight a bunch of wall-es