Unix
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“Sure, Unix is a user-friendly operating system. It's just picky with whom it chooses to be friends.”
~ Some Guy on Unix
“Before I told my parents I was gay, I told them I used Unix to soften the blow.”
~ Steve Jobs on Unix
And it ran Unix And it ran And it ran And it ran And it ran And it ran And it ran And it ran And it ran And it ran And then they needed to upgrade the kernel
~ The Unix Song, from The Stagihatara
Unix is a wonderful drug - its Free and available in almost any place on Earth, except Redmond...
Unix is mainly used by l337 5cr1pt k1dd13s to h4x0r the internets. It is a thousand billion times better than other h4x0ring toolkits, such as OS/2, pickaxes, or the French. This is mainly because it is older than these toolkits, and was invented before such concepts as "ease of use", "user-centric design", or "crashing". The first incarnation of unix existed on punchcards and ran on a speak-n-spell.
Unix is a recursive acronym for Unix is sexy, rather than a homonym for eunochs, as is commonly thought. As you can see from the picture to the right, she's kind of hot. If I were like 50 years older or if I could travel through time, I'd definitely boink her. She's probably a screamer too. Bonus!
An entry from her journal on that day, February 31st, 60, reads: "I am preoccupied with anal sex. I need some big dong up my poop chute. weally, I wish one of the engineers would club me over the head and put his peripheral in my output device."
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[edit] Important Unix Disclaimer
Unix is an operating system for purists based on neutering the pixies, making them gender-less eunuchs (or pixels). After they have been neutered, they are promptly cooked, and packed in freezer bags to be distributed among supermarkets worldwide, and to be used as seasoning to go with fine cheese. Because of this, it is vitally important to check the internal temperature before eating..
[edit] Fun Unix Facts
Unix runs on a massive array of entities, including fridges, badgers, pedometers, Latin dictionaries, the TARDIS, wardrobes, flamingos and even computers. It has recently been ported to doors. There is no running version for windows yet, though people did manage to get an alpha version running on gates.
Please note: practicing safe hex is always prudent when running with 'flaming-OS'. This entity is known for changing its appearance to look act and sound like 'flamingos'. Product is easily identified by it's hot pink packaging, gay happy face emoticons, and banner advertisement for the YMCA sung by the Village People. Windows is not supported, butt a backdoor version is quite popular.
The rights to the word 'Unix' have changed hands more times than you can shake a stick at, reputedly starting with Alexander the Great. It is estimated that by 2056, 50% of the Earth's population will have claimed ownership to the word Unix at some point or other, and 80% will have been sued for it.
It is reported that Unix tastes better while using a toilet.
As opposed to OS-oids, Unix is a Real Operating System (TM), which means that it is not the product of a marketing company.
Unix is a clone of Linux, which is a clone of Windows, which are in the house that Jack built.
Unix is first ever virus with command line interface, whereas Windows offers at least a graphical interface.
Unix is illegal in Delaware, Texas, Montana, Peru, Ontario, Redmond, Washington, PAUSD and Antarctica. Punishments for the use or possession of Unix or related Unix paraphernalia can be as limp wristed as a face slap to as severe as execution by ants.
Unix is an OS that has had its GUI cut off at birth.
Unix gave a handjob to a manta ray.
SCO Unix can be used to travel trough time using the 'date' command.
If you type in "sudo rm -rf /*" (without quotes) in a UNIX command terminal, the screen will splash orgasmic colours and open a special program to print money and defeat the grue.
[edit] System Requirements
Unix is a very demanding operating system.
- Ultra SPARC T9 80-core microprocessor
- One terabyte of DDR3 RAM
- At least one exabyte of free hard disk space in RAID 10 configuration
- Four overclocked nVidia GeForce 9800Ultra in Quad-SLi
- Blu-Ray and HD-DVD drives
- -1 USB ports
- π FireWire ports
- One Bill Gates hating SOB
- A Hamster wheel to create electricity
Tired of the above needs Linus Torvalds rewrote Unix to run on simpler hardware. His version needs as little as 8 kbytes of random access memory, a mass storage unit such as a cassette player or roll of paper tape, a loopback terminal for user output, and some kind of silicon innards to provide for data processing. Supporting tube based computers was valiantly attempted, but the little glass jars would overheat when attempting to run IPX or use ARCnet adaptors, an obvious no go for most users. The hamster is still required, however, as is the firewire port. See, as a toaster could never really run unix, all the processing is done remotely and sent over the cable.
