University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus.

The University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus is an overseas campus of the University of Nottingham (intended for confusion when making a bank draft to pay your fees). Unlike The University of Nottingham in Nottingham, the Malaysia campus is not a public institution, and that is why the fees charged is astronomical.

Situated in the heart of darkness, three hundred thousand centimeters from the village of Semenyih (real name yo), the new campus is built in the middle of nowhere (or somewhere in an oil palm plantation), and was launched in 2005 (as a missile). The first batch of students in this new campus were the ones to suffer the worst (with the fallout and radiation). The specific plot of land was selected because of its compatible past uses, both as the site of lethal atrocities and as a Japanese cemetery.

From 2001-2005, academic activities had taken place in a rented building in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, which wasn't very impressive but at least offered living among civilization.

edit History

The Malaysia Campus was the first purposeful campus built away from Nottingham — the purpose being to suck students' blood dry and commit daylight robbery on the parents. Officially opened in 2005 and costing no less than 120 million Ringgit, this world-class facility is committed to producing UK-standard graduates with international backgrounds in a "truly" Asian environment. Unfortunately, what they didn't realize was that our currency is 5 times smaller to UK currency, so charging the same amount as UK pounds would only produce beggars. The University started with only a couple of hundred students but currently has over 5000 students/suckers. It is "twinned" with the University of Malaysia, Nottingham Campus.

edit Facilities

edit Accommodation

Five accommodation halls, misleadingly named after the famous beach islands of Malaysia, are where the new students are allowed to stay. Others have to live in the haunted and abandoned residential areas. The lucky ones (car owners) prefer to stay in Bandar Sunway Semenyih, about 15 minutes drive from the campus, provided that you are able to escape the perils of driving in Semenyih roads, but we’ll get to that later. With so many restaurants nearby, these lucky souls don’t have to rely on the cafeteria’s sorry excuse of outsourcing the cooking to foreign cooks.

Each on-campus hall offers fully "furnished" (vandalized) bedrooms with an Internet point in every room with a separate fee that most can't afford.

The halls are on a self-catering basis. Crockery, cutlery and pans are provided for light cooking, but to guarantee personal health, well-being and hygiene, it is recommended that you eat off the floor. Remember this is a HALAL campus, so no pet pigs are allowed.

Off-campus houses are also fully "furnished." A gas tank is also available whereby students will have to pay for their own gas for committing suicide.

edit Computer labs

TISCRAs 1, 2, 3 and ISCRAs 1, 2 and 3 have state-of-the-art computers where students can log on in a little over ten minutes tops, seriously. Peer-to-Peer file transfer, instant messaging, YouTube and Skype are some of the services available for students to use, provided that they watch a minimum of 3 hours a day watching Running Man, reruns of Running Man and playing Tetris Battle on Facebook. Uncyclopedia is intermittently classified as an adult web site and blocked. The advertised speed of the connection is 1Mbps. What is not advertised is that this is the total throughput for the IT Center.

edit Central administration

The only building that actually looks nice, with exquisite toilet seats to boot. All other buildings seem to have come out of an abstract painting. There’s a cafe on the ground floor and it's called Notting (to be aptly renamed 'nothing') Hill Cafe. This cafe serves Indian/South Asian cuisine.

There's also a rumour stating that a new McDonald's branch will replace the clock tower, but many doubt so. It might even start a protest as there would be no more places for couples to get some privacy.

edit Faculty buildings

Labelled with colours red, blue, orange and purple (well at least its not called Mars or Neptune or some silly name like Dove or Don Freaky Ninny), they represent the faculty buildings for every school. For instance the engineering lecturers can be found in the Blue building, the engineering labs are in the Red building, and the engineering computer lab is in the Purple building, which leaves the business school students with nowhere else to roam besides the Orange building.

edit Student administration

This is so-called because unions are banned in Malaysia.[citation needed] This building has, on the ground floor, the cafeteria, in-convenience store (Pioneer 'dracula' century comrades), the coffee shop(gone), hair dressing saloon(gone), and the traditional overpriced bookstore, which you have to wade through the piles of un-shelved books which are still in boxes to explore.

One story up is the TV room, which doubles as the bunkhouse, and the sauna during football matches. Entertainment is by pool tables (provided you are willing to loan your cue stick to players at other tables) and Foosball tables. (Unions may be banned, but some of the foosballers seem to be on strike.) There is a brand-spanking-new dance studio and (for those not into spanking), a music room a meeting room with broken chairs and un-cushioned sofas lying around, and the offices of the Student Administration. This resembles a used furniture store where nothing is for sale.

edit Cafeteria and Coffee Shop

The cafeteria is divided into four main parts, the Buffet, the Western, the Indian/Chinese, and the Drinks section. The buffet menu is chicken, beef, fish, rice and vegetarian dishes. Leftovers are recycled and re-cooked the next morning (especially the fish). The Western has some weird food, like egg burgers, sausage eggs, and chicken burgers. The Indian stall sells Roti Canai (also known as Prata), roti egg, roti butter, roti sardin roti onion, roti sugar, and roti. Once in a while, in the evening, if you're lucky, you might catch a few rats running around.

There's also a Mak Cik that sells great curry and sardine puffs upstairs near the dance studio (gone). And a secret Pak Cik selling other interesting stuff around campus.

edit Parking Lot

The campus is built in between some hills. With lots of greenery and flora and fauna (ducks to be specific), sufficient parking is offered on campus. Students with enough SWAG and money can park their cars in premium spots around campus. Usually students have to park along the sides of the road or double park to show off their new blingz, which in turn turns it into a one way road, where accidents are bound to happen in turnings and turns, in which students take turns to turn their cars around. The double-yellow lines are always off limits to cars. Failure to do so will result in your car being clamped by the security guards. The fact that they’re not enough clamps to go around means that it will certainly be your unlucky day if you see your car being clamped. Or if your car happens to be yellow then you can take some time to gaze in awe of the matching colours. Or if your car happens to be a yellow sports car then you can ask your friend to take a picture of you trying to pull it off. Or if you happen to know the Head of Security you can just go up to him and ask for your car to be de-clamped.

edit People

edit Lecturers/Professors

Most lecturers have a Ph.D., but some can't even speak good English. Some have a speaker surgically implanted in their throats. They enter the lecture hall, unplug the microphone, and start shouting. They don't answer questions. (You are here to learn, not be "spoon-fed like children.")

If you are an international student, you are dead meat. If your name sounds like the sound produced when a coin hits the floor (Ching, Chang, Yong, BANG, etc.), you have guaranteed an A. If your names hints at Arabic, you can "kiss your A goodbye."

edit Students Association

This is a secret cult whose members hold weekly meetings to recharge. To recharge means to take their week's dose of a special narcotic that boosts confidence.

edit The men of UNMC

The men at The University of Nottingham consider themselves studs of all sorts, which is a delusion. Of course, you'll find the occasional good looking ones (overstatement) but don't get too excited, they aren't very well endowed. When they are not rating girls, they like walking around dressed like clowns and asking each other 'What's the scene?' The guys also sit in circles at the SA for hours, trying their best not to look unemployed, while they discuss how shitfaced they got at a random house party 2 years back, although they will remember the minute details, or pretty much everything that happened that night. Their lack of action in the bedroom doesn't stop them from claiming that they have slept with every girl who happens to smile at them, or more likely, at the person behind them. However, the handful who do manage to hook up could be easily spotted strutting their stuff like CK underwear models for the rest of their lives.

edit The Women of UNMC

The women of UNMC are ugly, ferocious, and squalid. The behavior and diction of these strident women have caused uproar among the literate men of the college, frustrated that there are just no pretty women around. There is the occasional decent-looking British hottie but everybody knows that relationships with these creatures are fruitless, unless one likes to plead for fellatio. Such a temporary enslavement to these comical entities (women) would promise unthinkable and immeasurable dissatisfaction, tantamount to the notion of buying a Civic, when one could instead purchase a Lotus. Why settle for less? Because less is more at UNMC.

edit Surroundings

Built in the rain forest near the allegedly haunted and abandoned residential area of TTS - Taman Tasik Semenyih, on Jalan Broga (Broga Road), between Semenyih and Broga. The single lane "highway" which snakes its way through the forest is unlit, and uninhabited. One of the thrills of living here is returning to the campus at night. Pioneer Century aims to inhabit these places again, by making students live in these areas and building new accommodation halls.

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