University of Leicester
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“This place is too ethnically diverse for the likes of me...”
~ Oscar Wilde on the University of Leicester
The University of Leicester is an ethnically-led university based in Leicester, India.
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[edit] History
The University of Leicester was established in 1957 by naturist film makers David and Dickie Attenborough. They donated the income from their three most famous films (Gandhi and the Apes, Mutiny on the Buses, and Gandhi and the Apes 2: Return to the Jungle) to establish the university as a means of avoiding the poll tax. This plan backfired, as the actual construction of the university was worked on by several Poles.
[edit] Academic Achievements
“Whilst it may not be up with Oxford or Harvard in the education stakes, it does serve the greatest lamb bhuna I have ever tasted.”
~ Mark Twain on the University of Leicester's academic stature
Sir Dickie’s influence grew in the late 60s and the university started offering a large variety of new courses including Biology, Geology, Misogyny, Polygamy, Incestry, Corner Shop Management, Voodoo and the world’s first degree in Mickey Mouse studies, after which the term is named. This caused a lot of controversy and has since been the template for every degree since that has been a bit of a cop out and an excuse to smoke a lot of pot.
Lecester Leciester Liecester Leicester was nominated in the 'Most Difficult Place Names To Spell' Awards 2009, and achieved a commendable third place, losing out only to Gloucester (2nd Place) and Albuquerque (1st Place). An online petition entitled 'Lester wud be well eazier to spell: Gordon Brown shud change it' currently has close to 280,000 signatures; that's almost the entire population of the city.
[edit] The Discovery of DNA
The university is probably most famous for its role in the discovery of DNA (Deoxyribonucleic Acid, more commonly known as Acid). Sir Alec Jeffreys, a chemistry lecturer, discovered it after accidentally mixing together half a bottle of whiskey, some vinegar, and a pair of Levi’s genes. The discovery shocked the world, as it was at the time believed that everything that could be discovered had been. In fact, at the time it was the first discovery since sliced bread 50 years previously.
DNA was front page news, and it soon became popular at celebrity parties around the globe. The production of DNA became the cornerstone of the Indian economy and Jeffrey Alecs was knighted by the Queen. Dissatisfied by the reckless use of his discovery, Sir Alec strove to find a use for it. The result of this was genetic fingerprinting, which has been used to solve literally thousands of crimes in television land.
The first case to be solved using Sir Jeffrey’s discovery was a murder than happened in close proximity to the university. After 2 schoolgirls had been raped and murdered, the vice-chancellor of the university approached Inspector Horse to ask him to use this new technology. The case was solved when the suspect walked into a bar. This led to the thrilling denouement:
Murderer: I'd like an ounce of DNA please. Barmaid (Inspector Horse in disguise): Ok. Is it a special occasion? Murderer: You could say that; I've just raped and murdered 2 schoolchildren. Anyway, why the long face?
And the murderer was arrested and everyone lived happily ever after (until the next episode).
[edit] League Tables
The University of Leicester is currently rated as the top (and only) university in India and 12th in the United Kingdom with a record of 6 wins, 12 draws and a defeat to the cheating Hooray Henrys of Cambridge (their winner was clearly offside).
[edit] Notable Architecture
[edit] Charles Wilson Building
Built on the burial place of Optimus Prime, the Charles Wilson Building has taken his form, and has threatened to walk off at any moment.
[edit] Attenborough Tower
As well as having a paternoster that any halfwit student will tell you is the best thing since stairs, the Attenborough Tower is a welcome addition to any kitchen.
It also happens to be the tallest building in all of Europe that isn't actually in Europe. In honour of this achievement the Tower was awarded the 'Queens Award for Outstanding Exellence in the Field of Standing'. The Attenborough Tower is quoted as saying "Thanks be to Allah." Which surprised everyone.
[edit] David Wilson Library
“What a fucking waste of £35m. No wonder it's in fucking India.”
~ Prince Philip on the David Wilson Library
“£35m? Personally, I would've bought one-third of Kaka.”
~ Manchester City F.C. on the David Wilson Library
Opened by Queen Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh approximately yesterday, the David Wilson Library is best known for having shelves that are complete deathtraps. There was strong pressure by the students to remove these shelves after a history student was squashed to death. However this petition was retracted after George Galloway was also crushed to death, on the principle that you lose some, win some.
[edit] Engineering Building
The University's Engineering Building was the first major building by important British architect James Stirling. Yep I've never heard of him either. The building is a grade 2 listed building and has been official described as looking like a ship. No, it doesn't. In fact it looks like a greenhouse with a tall chimney.
Unlike several other buildings with similar names this building does not host the study of engineering as the subject has been rendered useless as every idiot knows if its not working, check its plugged in then switch in on again. The building in fact works as an engineer, kind of like a self functioning orgasm organism. It produces just enough electricity to keep itself running which is quite interesting but not very interesting. Having said this the building is a keen chess player and once stood as a sabbatical officer.
[edit] Student Accommodation
Available to students is a variety of accommodation of varying quality, from the roofless to the downright almost bearable.
[edit] Digby Hovel
Still resisting refurbishment despite having been bombed during the war, Digby Hovel boasts an outside toilet and a rat infestation zoo. Rooms come decorated with stone age cave paintings and straw mats are also provided.
Digby is divided into various Hovel settlements, the most infamous being The Knoll, Southemeade and Hastings. These settlements are almost in a perpetual state of war with vast turf wars commencing on an almost daily basis. 'The War of the Feces', more commonly known by residents as 'The Great Poo And Pear Saga', is perhaps the most embittered conflict to date, with large sums of faecal matter and pears from nearby woodland penetrating the bastions of the Hastings settlement, much to the chagrin of its residents.
On a medical note, Digby halls is the only known source of Digby AIDs, a rare mutations of the HIV virus that is second only to DMU (De Montfort University) AIDs in its lethality and terribleness. While currently rare, it is spreading fast due to the very questionable sexual habits and practices that are in fact required for accommodation at the halls.
Digby is widely acclaimed by other students of the university for its lack of a roof.
[edit] Ye Beaumonte Halle
Ye Beaumonte hath been open since the 1700s. If thou duth enjoy civil war re-enactments and the finest architecture thou wilt see this side of Stratford-upon-Avon, then unto Beaumonte ye shouldst come; but alas, jousting is no longer allowed. Ye olde tavern is also on the grounds.
[edit] HM Gilbert Murray Stamford
Newly extended, the middle-of-the-road prison replica HM GMS can now accommodate nearly 200 inmates students. Legend says that is was named as such because Andrew Murray, Gilbert Grape, and the Earl of Stamford shared a threesome in one of its cells. History would indicate this to be fabricated, but it has led to one of the most famous quotes ever used in Hollywood:
“What's eating Gilbert Grape. Oh wait it's just the Earl of Stamford.”
~ Andrew Murray on What's Eating Gilbert Grape
[edit] John Foster Castle
Rumour has it that long into the night, the kings and princes of John Foster Castle can be heard wassailing as they stake gold dubloons on the outcome of matches as the working class are forced to fight to the death in the vain hope of tasting the crumbs from their table. You don't belong there.
[edit] Mary Gee
Just off Ratcliffe Road (winner of the prestigious Bumpiest Dirt Track '08 award) stand the welcoming buildings of Auschwitz Mary Gee. There are always vacancies.
Engels described the Mary Gee houses as "generally unplanned wildernesses of one or two-storied terraced houses built of brick. Wherever possible these have cellars which are also used as dwellings. These little houses… They are filthy and strewn with animal and vegetable refuse. Since they have neither gutters nor drains, the refuse accumulates in stagnant, stinking puddles. Ventilation in the slums is inadequate owing to the hopelessly unplanned nature of these areas"
If this list of options depresses you, just think. It could be worse. You could live in Coventry.
[edit] Social Life
University of Leicester students sure know how to live it up. Those guys!!
[edit] The Venue
The Venue is renowned for its endless revolving door of "celebrities" you'd thought you'd seen the last of years ago/complete unknowns, including B*Witched, Wiley, Taio Cruz, and Booty Love (all of which have attained honourary doctorates from the University to make them go away for their services to entertainment).
[edit] Viccy Park
“I am not amus... Oh look a squirrel falling out of a tree. That's quite funny.”
~ Queen Victoria on on Viccy Park
And thus the park received its name as the only place in Leicester to receive an indifferent comment from the Queen. Though technically just an area of grass. But what other area of grass offers you squirrels, festivals, Russian acrobats, buggery, infra red cameras and date rape.
Due to its history - it comes as a surprise that there isn't a pub named the Queen Vic. We know that they watch Eastenders in call centres, so they can't claim to not be aware of it.
[edit] Relationship with De Montfort University
Ever since Leicester Polytechnic (now DMU, thanks to political correctness gone mad) was giving degrees in hopping around a campfire in 8000BC, there's been an unhealthy rivalry between the University of Leicester and De Montfort polytechnic special school rat's dump shithole because...well, that's how human beings work.
[edit] Varsity Match
Every year in May, the Universities hold a game of Hitling; partly for competition's sake, and partly to cut down on student numbers due to oversubscription. This game is unique to the Leicester Varsity, and has a rivalry only matched in intensity by the Oxford University and Cambridge University Battleships tournament. It is rare for the match not to end in a full-scale riot.
The match takes place at Leicester's Crisp Bowl. Each team has 7 full sized players and a midget and they are all equipped with their team's kit, a helmet, and a feather duster. Players also carry knives in case the match goes into sudden death overtime. The object of the game is for one team to underarm slam dunk a croquet mallet through a wicket without the other team's noticing. The game has 4 main rules:
1. The game shall continue until either A: 60 minutes has expired, B: One team is able to factorise their score to the power of seven, or C: The crowd starts to riot.
2. A forward pass with the intention of breaking the upper quarterback shift with a lateral movement and no attempt to dribble up the byline shall be punished with a flagrant offside by the fourth official if he's not being blocked by the forward defenseman or standing behind the 10 metre line and in front of the 15 yard line, unless this is contradicted by a backwards circular motion by the reserve dwarf, in which case the play is reset to the outside of the arc, where the puck shall be dropped. This is all nullified however if the player has landed in Mornington Crescent.
3. No touching of the hair or face.
4. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT HITLING.
The future of the match is in doubt because of last year's match, which left 6 players dead, 13 with broken limbs and one with quite a bad headache. The low mortality rate of that match means it has become known as the Great Hitling Tragedy, and has led University officials to suggest replacing the annual Rollerball Hitling match with a straightforward cull of the chaviest students.
“The Hitling we have seen here today is almost as unwatchable as the Star Wars Holiday Special. Oh stop booing, I said almost...”
~ John Motson on the Great Hitling Tragedy
[edit] Notable Alumni
- Ken Barlow
- Russell Brand
- Thomas Cook
- Peter Cook
- Dane Cook
- Captain Cook
- Rebecca Cooke
- Alistair Cooke
- The Cook Islands
- Mohandas Gandhi
- Randhi Ganhi
- Engelbert Humperdinck
- John Hurt
- Senator Vreenak
- Madeleine McCann
- Victor Meldrew
- The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him
- King William of Orange (the first fruit ever to graduate unless you include Oscar Wilde)
- Willie Thorne
- Gok Wan
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