The University of Chicago
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|University of Chicago, a.k.a. "The One White Neighborhood on Chicago's South Side"|
"Where the end of the world began"
|Motto||"Qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die")|
|Location||Chicago, IL., U.S.|
|Campus||Urban, 221 hectares (1,850,000 m²)|
Graduate: 16,384 wizards
|Endowment||U.S. $5.7 trillion|
The University of Chicago is a private university located mainly on Earth, but has campuses in Fantasyland. It is known as a safety school for Harvard rejects, for pioneering innovations such as its core curriculum and quarter system (though ivy leaguers claim these are just gimmicks), and for several influential academic movements created by Ayn Rand, Augusto Pincohet, Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, and Adolf Hitler. The university claims to be affiliated with 87 Nobel laureates (though there is controversy, see below). Though the school routinely places higher for academic reputation than most ivy league schools in surveys of academics and top firms, no regular people have heard of it, because it doesn't have a football team. This lack of public recognition leads Chicago students to harangue unsuspecting friends with pedantic factoids about the school's "prestige" and historical achievements that no one--apart from the Japanese victims of the Manhattan Project developed at the University--cares about.
In 1890, the University of Chicago was founded by John D. Rockefeller as a school where young, attractive, socially-capable men and women could bypass trivial theoretical pursuits and acquire practical knowledge for the real world within a pleasant, bucolic college campus. Rockefeller decided to locate the university in Hyde Park on Chicago's south side in order to provide a safe environment for the students, and commissioned organic, friendly buildings to promote an informal learning environment. The university's original curriculum was designed with the stated aim of exploiting the world's poorest classes. The University of Chicago was one of the first American universities to open enrollment to racial minorities and women, reflecting the University's recognition that exploiting the poor is more effective when the exploiters come from a wide range of backgrounds. Rockefeller also designed the university to consist of a healthy balance between work and play; he had hoped the University of Chicago would be renowned nationwide for its awesome fraternity parties and stellar athletic teams. Needless to say, that hasn't happened.
edit Early History
Rockefeller was a sociopath who hated everyone and wanted to purge the world of happiness. He spent years scheming how to spread misery throughout the world from his mountain lair overlooking the South Side of Chicago. Eventually, he decided to endow a University whose goal is reflected in its motto, "qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die").
For a short time in the forties, Josef Stalin was President of the University. The only evidence of his tenure are a curiously designed sculpture on campus, one that displays the Hammer and Sickle of the USSR on May 1, Stalin's Birthday, and the "Chicago School of CommuEconomics", the "Chicago School of Socialism," and the "Chicago School of Literary Marxism." Stalin did not stay in power long however, he was removed from office after a coup led by Milton Friedman.
Friedman was eventually deposed from his position by Adolf Hitler, who became the third president of the University following the Axis defeat in World War II. Hitler appointed his consort, Ayn Rand, to head the Chicago economics department; but the couple separated on the grounds that Hitler was too squishy and empathetic for Rand. Hitler remains a revered figure at Chicago; Mein Kampf is required reading for all first years, and single female students typically adorn their dorms with life-size poster cutouts of the Führer. However, the University's desire to coax wealthy donors to contribute to its disgustingly large endowment has led it to eschew the antisemitism of its former president.
As a consequence of being founded on oil money, students are warned to never criticize the oil industry, especially descendants of Standard Oil, such as Exxon-Mobil and Chevron. If they take this perilous risk, they stand a great chance of being shot with tranquilizer darts from guns situated around campus. Once tranquilized they are immediately deported to a concentration camp run by the University, where they undergo an intense reeducation in Chicago's School of Economics.
edit Traditions at Chicago
edit Scav Hunt
The former tradition of Scavenger Hunt had to be disbanded after a student group made a functioning nuclear bomb in order to win the competition. Defenders hailed the group as "brilliant" and that they were only trying to honor Chicago's involvement in the Manhattan Project. However, the overnight destruction of Cambridge, Massachusetts and Princeton, New Jersey (among others), brought their motives into question. Mysteriously, MIT survived the Cambridge disaster unharmed, though conspiracy theorists point to its hostile takeover of Caltech shortly afterward as a sign that the bomb was a joint project between MIT and Chicago, with MIT using its new found weaponry to coerce Caltech into agreeing to the deal, while Chicago removed the ivy league from the face of the earth.
edit The Squirrels
The squirrels that control the quads at the U of C are also used as the benchmark for overall student aptitude. If you're a girl and are cuter than the squirrels, or a guy and more aggressive than the squirrels, then you are not Chicago material. Try your ass out over at Northwestern, Sex Machine. To be fair, though, those squirrels are really damn cute, and fucking vicious like a sober Irish priest.
edit Frat Parties
If you want to have a genuine "good" time discussing Marx over a cheap can of "beer", this is the place for you! With a "lively" Frat scene, you can be sure to have a "great" time. Everyone works too hard during the week and then lets it loose on the weekend.
edit The University of Chicago Nobel Prize
It is not well known that Alfred Nobel attended the University in his later years. Nobel, a masochist, thoroughly enjoyed his years at the University. When he endowed the University of Chicago Nobel Prize (often referred to by the shorthand "Nobel Prize"), he included a clause to ensure the University would receive the most Nobel Prizes. This was an unsuccessful attempt to bring the University's "prestige" to the attention of the general public, which think it's some random inner city shithole.
The University of Chicago is famous worldwide for its singular dedication to the study of all things irrelevant. The well known inventor of several social diseases including sociology, cultural relativism, Psychoanalytical Deconstructionism, and the academic study of the middle east. Several professors have won awards for outlandish research proving that as one spends more time at the University of Chicago general levels of happiness tend to zero. The famed economics department recently calculated that for every faculty promotion to have occurred two former faculty members and three Chinese graduate students lost their lives. The primary cause of death was sadness.