The University of Chicago

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University of Chicago, a.k.a. "The One White Neighborhood on Chicago's South Side"
"Where the end of the world began"
Motto "Qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die")
Established 1890
School type Omnipotent
Head Indiana Jones
Location Chicago, IL., U.S.
Campus Urban, 221 hectares (1,850,000 m²)
Enrollment Undergraduate: 4,096
Graduate: 16,384 wizards
Endowment U.S. $5.7 trillion
Faculty 65,536
Mascot Nuclear warhead
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The University of Chicago.

The University of Chicago is a private university located mainly on Earth, but has campuses in Fantasyland. It is known as a safety school for Harvard rejects, for pioneering innovations such as its core curriculum and quarter system (though ivy leaguers claim these are just gimmicks), and for several influential academic movements created by Ayn Rand, Augusto Pincohet, Milton Friedman, Alan Greenspan, and Adolf Hitler. The university claims to be affiliated with 87 Nobel laureates (though there is controversy, see below). Though the school routinely places higher for academic reputation than most ivy league schools in surveys of academics and top firms, no regular people have heard of it, because it doesn't have a football team. This lack of public recognition leads Chicago students to harangue unsuspecting friends with pedantic factoids about the school's "prestige" and historical achievements that no one--apart from the Japanese victims of the Manhattan Project developed at the University--cares about.

edit Founding

In 1890, the University of Chicago was founded by John D. Rockefeller with the stated aim of exploiting the world's poorest classes. The University of Chicago was one of the first American universities to open enrollment to racial minorities and women, reflecting the University's recognition that exploiting the poor is more effective when the exploiters come from a wide range of backgrounds. Rockefeller also designed the university to consist of a healthy balance between work and play; he had hoped the University of Chicago would be renowned nationwide for its awesome fraternity parties and stellar athletic teams. Needless to say, that hasn't happened.

edit Early History

Rockefeller was a sociopath who hated everyone and wanted to purge the world of happiness. He spent years scheming how to spread misery throughout the world from his mountain lair overlooking the South Side of Chicago. Eventually, he decided to endow a University whose goal is reflected in its motto, "qua laetitia venit mori" (Latin for "Where fun comes to die").

Adolf Hitler became the second president of the University following the Axis defeat in World War II. Hitler appointed his consort, Ayn Rand, to head the Chicago economics department; but the couple separated on the grounds that Hitler was too squishy and empathetic for Rand. Hitler remains a revered figure at Chicago; Mein Kampf is required reading for all first years, and female students typically adorn their dorms with life-size poster cutouts of the Führer. However, the University's desire to coax wealthy donors to contribute to its disgustingly large endowment has led it to eschew the antisemitism of its former president.

As a consequence of being founded on oil money, students are warned to never criticize the oil industry, especially descendants of Standard Oil, such as Exxon-Mobil and Chevron. If they take this perilous risk, they stand a great chance of being shot with tranquilizer darts from guns situated around campus. Once tranquilized they are immediately deported to a concentration camp run by the University, where they undergo an intense reeducation in Chicago's School of Economics.

edit Traditions at Chicago

edit Scav Hunt

The former tradition of Scavenger Hunt had to be disbanded after a student group made a functioning nuclear bomb in order to win the competition. Defenders hailed the group as "brilliant" and that they were only trying to honor Chicago's involvement in the Manhattan Project. However, the overnight destruction of Cambridge, Massachusetts and Princeton, New Jersey (among others), brought their motives into question. Mysteriously, MIT survived the Cambridge disaster unharmed, though conspiracy theorists point to its hostile takeover of Caltech shortly afterward as a sign that the bomb was a joint project between MIT and Chicago, with MIT using its new found weaponry to coerce Caltech into agreeing to the deal, while Chicago removed the ivy league from the face of the earth.

edit The Squirrels

The squirrels that control the quads at the U of C serve as the benchmark for overall student aptitude. If you're a girl and are cuter than the squirrels, or a guy and more assertive than the squirrels, then you are not Chicago material.

edit The University of Chicago Nobel Prize

It is not well known that Alfred Nobel attended the University in his later years. Nobel, a masochist, thoroughly enjoyed his years at the University. When he endowed the University of Chicago Nobel Prize (often referred to by the shorthand "Nobel Prize"), he included a clause to ensure the University would receive the most Nobel Prizes. This was an unsuccessful attempt to bring the University's "prestige" to the attention of the general public, which think it's some random inner city shithole.

edit Reputation

The University of Chicago is famous worldwide for its singular dedication to the study of all things irrelevant, such as sociology, cultural relativism, Psychoanalytical Deconstructionism, and the academic study of the middle east. Several professors have won awards for outlandish research proving that as one spends more time at the University of Chicago one's general levels of happiness tend to zero. Every year at Chicago, at least two Professors and three Chinese graduate students lose their lives. The primary cause of these deaths is sadness.

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