University of Bradford

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The University of Bradford (est. 1966) is a university in Bradford, West Yorkshire, England. Formed from the ruins of a technical college in 1966, the university now occupies over 2.8 hectares of Bradford's finest real estate (priced at £7.80 per square mile). There are three campuses: the main campus, located on Richmond Road, the School of Healthyness, on Trinity Road, but due to move to the main campus in Summer 2011 School of Health New Build, and the School of Management, at Emm Lane. According to The Times Good University Guide 2008, the University of Bradford is the 48th best university in the country.[sadly enough] It has roughly 12,000 students enrolled, of which almost a third are nearly literate. Almost 25% of students are international students, and come from over 100 countries, most of which are not even real countries because they aren't on the Risk board. Most of these visa students are friendly, we hope. 92% of the university's "domestic" students come from the state sector.

edit Origins

It is believed the University grew organically out of a footprint of the legendary poet Jeremy Clarkson sometime in the early 60's, in a piece of brownland just off Great Horton Road. From there the original Bradford University buildings sprouted, much like a fungus, releasing spores gradually over the next few years and multiplying. Some time in the early 90's, many of the first buildings grew sentience and were forcibly burned by the Student Union with the help of cleansing fire. Since then many new buildings have been commissioned and (arguably) completed to an adequate standard.

edit University Credentials

Ranked in the top 4 universities in the Leeds-Bradford area, world-renowned cricketer turned politician turned real estate tycoon Imran Khan who regularly fails to appear around the University due to the fact he was arrested in foreign lands, presumably for parking fines, indeed many believe his Chancellorship is a PR stunt to curry favour with the local authorities and to draw attention away from his numerous Cayman Island accounts and secret other families.

Bradford is an innovator in the field of "get-them-degrees-in-anything" and now offers BSc's in Opiate Injection, Cultural Subtraction, STI Promotion; BEngs in Prostitute Reduction via Wooden Projectiles, Takeaway Location Engineering, BAs in Racial Animosity, Women's Rights (lack thereof), Car Tax Evasion and Peace Studies.

According to a recent news release they are proud to offer the accelerated 9 month Unplanned Parenting MSc.

Bradford is also home to the world's leading centre for Peace research. Where internationally respected hippies and underachieving British kids come together to make daisy chains and sing around the camp-fire.

Other achievements include:

  • The international record for most fresher-terrorist conversions, with 7 in a semester.
  • Most ironic serial killer course choice ever, dot.com
  • The University is very proud of its ability to encourage students who live at home to attend university... or in other words, it takes slackers
  • No-one has yet died in the swimming pool. This is probably due to the fact that the swimming pool is rarely open, and on the rare occasion it does open the local students are too busy shopping in the charity shops or riding around on quad bikes.
  • Bradford University is proud to have had no bomb threats from its students within the past decade, this is attributed by many to the recent dip in Chemistry course funding and all of the local raw materials being mined to produce more Greggs the bakers.

edit Facilities at Bradford

Sports facilities are second to none, with 4 of the 30 University teams able to play their sports within 3 miles of the campus at no cost to them. However 26 of the other teams do have to leave the county entirely to train. As a result of stringent risk assessments they must travel by plane, at a 10% University subsidisation, of course, because the roads of Bradford Town are not safe to travel on between the hours of 00:30 and 23:30.

Other buildings of note include the genius pairing of the square concrete magnificences of the Horton and Chesham buildings, with their artful, labyrinthine corridors and depressing aura.

Future projects include the new Health Studies building, a delicate play on the senses, making reference to Bradford's non-existent and proud nautical past, complete with tiny, porthole windows and pirate ghosts. As well as this, the new £79 million student village development near the burnt out Inter-Faith community centre, which is completely self-sustaining, due to it's capacity to physicalise and burn for fuel the disappointment of the 1st year residents.

Although and institution of higher education with an outstanding record of employment at Greggs and local call centres, the University has lost out to the nearby college which has inexplicably acquired 95% of the attractive buildings in the Bradford area, leaving the University with a semi-clad, leaking, oxymoronic high-rise dive (the Richmond building) with it's ground-breaking, thought-provoking, translucent circus placenta, known colloquially as the Atrium.

edit Student Life

The University is famous for having some of the finest entertainment available on a heroically low budget, for example the pre-talent Tinie Tempah and 1-song MacLean have both graced Freshers Week in previous, disappointing years.

Weekly Friday Night Discos(FND) rely heavily on their being 'safe', previous tag-lines being: "Come here to avoid obvious danger" and "You're less likely to get stabbed in here". Recent attempts to make these more like London have resulted in elongated queues, an overrated concierge service and a depressing wait for those who buy advanced tickets in comparison to people who turn up on a whim.

Other Bradford nights out consist either of; taking a train to Leeds to witness slightly more attractive locals fighting, or attending the World's First 'SUPERCLUB', Tokyo's, which features an innovative removable wall (curtain down the middle of the dance-floor).

Local travel available to students is among the finest in the country, with Bradford Forster Square and the Interchange which operate bi-weekly services exclusively to Ilkley and Leeds respectively. Air links to Alicante and the chavy parts of the Algarve are offered to students along with the typical passengers of homosexual hairdressers and racially intolerant pensioners. Shopping at the airport is bespoke and minimalist, there is one Sketchers shoe shop.

Accommodation at the University is state of the art, boasting the city's own answer to the Petronas building, Revis Barber and Dennis Bellamy Halls. Both of which possess several pieces of fire retardant furniture each, and vintage cooking equipment, including replicas of the world's first microwave. Higher floor residents enjoy impressive vantage points useful for both entertaining students, and budding marksmen. They also offer beautiful views of the Bradford skyline in the flattering darkness of night time. Many 'critics' underestimate grey as a mood enhancing colour, clearly disputed as residential suicide rates are at an all time low.

Other methods of escaping the city's interesting take on fresh air include Arkwright Halls, (The originally named) Bradford and University Halls feature modern interior décor typicalised by cream painted breeze blocks and handy window safety bars. The luckiest of students may land themselves in Wardley House which offers the safest residences within 100m of as few people can jump the height needed to break in. Unlucky students might be lead astray by Forster Hall, who will turn up on student arrival day to tell terrified freshers that they don't have anywhere to live and that no one likes them but if they pay over £9000 a week, they can have friends and a double bed. Returning students take up the second part as they feel they might get laid, but most yorkshire girls are sober by the time they get through the 11 security gates so the poor guys never even get to slip a finger.

Leisure activities can also be found inside the building's lower floors with the world's wettest ice rink featuring an innovative cooling system involving two asthmatics (one at either end) blowing on it as hard as they can in order to keep it cool. In addition to this, Bradford's finest gentleman's establishment can also be found on the premises. Highlights include "C-section Tuesdays" and "Lobotomy Fridays"; "Candiii' the one legged stripper, who should be congratulate for finding lingerie that hugs her unusual figure so seductively; and finally leaving.

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