University of Antarctica

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University of Antarctica
Seal of the College
Penguinas, Glacius-Lacti, quod Frigus Beernum
Motto Penguins, Ice Cream, and Frozen Beer
Established 2008
School type Expeditionary University
Head Dr. Freeze, J.D. (2009 - Present)
Location Ice Harbor, Ichigan, Antarctica
Campus 3176 acres, including the arboretum or “Ice box” and honorary James Cook Corpus Glacialis Areni “frozen corpse arena”
Enrollment 41,042 Undergraduates (Some dead, others in natural state of cryopreservation)
4 Graduates
Endowment $7.1 billion (George W. Bush & U.S. Tax Payers)
Faculty 4,881
- Instructors: 432 (Active), 738 (Rendered inoperative), 2,489 (Dead), 219 (MIA), 3 (Wandered into mysterious cave)
- 518 Staff: (There's one over there)
Mascot “Quackers” – Homicidal penguin in tuxedo with harpoon gun

The University of Antarctica, Antarctica (U of A, U of AA, AAA, or simply "Thankgodshelter", as it is referred to by visitors) was founded in 2008 about 120 miles south-west of the northern-east maritime coast of the Antarctic Ocean. U of AA is globally recognized for maintaining the ironic status of being both the continent's newest and oldest university.

Initially, the U of AA intended to focus exclusively upon the studies of dentistry, music therapy, and agriculture due to its thriving local demand, but the school has since then changed its disciplines and concentrations towards hunting and gathering, medicine, ice sculpting, and hockey.

The Antarctic Board of Education recently awarded U of AA as a pioneering iceship campus, as it fills the gap between the continent's absent primary educational system and the commercial empire that is expected to thrive in the continent sometime in the next millennium.

History

The Antarctic Constitution of 1850 called for the creation of an "agricultural school." However, it was not until the discovery of permafrost in the 20th century which prompted Ichigan Provincial Governor Kinsley S. Humbug to deny the allegation and sign (several years later on January 4, 1991) a bill establishing the Continent’s first Puritan agricultural school: the Purified Agricultural College of the Extraterritorial Land of Ichigan. Classes began on January 5, 1991 with two buildings (tents), five faculty members (scientists), and 18 students. All died in a matter of minutes due to an air conditioner malfunction.

On January 6, 2008 their deaths were discovered and a funeral was held for the fallen students and faculty — now regarded as heroes for some reason despite their tendency to cry and overall timid demeanor during life, in the newly founded quadrangle, which pretentiously witty students have dubbed the "Frostangle". During the ceremony, more students and faculty members perished at the tongue of icy winds. Initially regarded as an "act of God," this was later properly diagnosed as hypothermia.

In light of its self-proclaimed "Extensive History" and "Piety," the board formed a university, the University of Antarctica, to generate recognition, thereby expanding its best/worst rankings, and the student body of the institution. The board somehow managed to secure this status before even deciding on instituting a secular orientation.

The University then changed calendars from Gregorian to Antarctican in 2007 when it realized that the sun sometimes doesn’t stay “up” as long as it ought to, while other times it stays “down” longer than it ought to, but reverted to the Julian calendar in 2012 when the school astrologist and proctologist went mad predicting a doomsday scenario, advised the board and council to reset all of the calendars, and prescribed enemas all around. Later that year, the board, shocked and still in pain, discovered that Julius Caesar had been dead for 2000 years, and questioned the keeping of his timekeeping system. Consequently, the academic calendar is now binary, with Polar Sunmesters during the summer and Polar Nightmesters during the winter. Nobody understands how it works except the school's computers, apparently.

Rankings

U of AA simultaneously maintains the record for Antarctica as the largest university and smallest university in the country and continent. U of AA also has the most diversified student population in the country/continent, best party school, best suicide rate, dorms like dungeons, dorms like dragons, dragons like dorms - literally winning the best and worst award for every superlative in the Princeton Book of Merits/Demerits.

Despite being in a status of establishment for only six months, the University of Antarctica has secured every major "best" and "worst" award in the Princeton Review. U of AA has also secured the most Best/Worst awards for a single university in the world as well as accomplishing these feats in the promptest manner, recorded on a Timex watch which now resides in the Princeton National Archives clocked at 0.05 seconds.

USNews identified U of AA as "a tumultuous feat of record-breaking precedence surmounted by a victimized body of overly-promoted madcaps."

Mista Fweeze!
Board Chairman and University President Dr. Freeze, M.B.A. relaxing in his private cryo-chambers.

Residential Life

The University of Antarctica has the largest campus housing system in Antarctica and the five thousand four hundred nineteenth largest campus housing system in the World. The residence halls are organized into three distinct groups: the Frost Campus, the Glacier Area (between Frost Campus and the University of Antarctica Chamber of Dentistry) and the Ice Campus. The Mortuary and Cryochambers are by far the most populated residential dwellings; but to the university’s disdain, do not count towards the essential breathing student body. The University board is trying to expound upon the American Educational Standards Board’s divergent reasoning as to why semi-living and dead students should not count towards the aggregate student populous; U of AA’s incentive for carry out this argument being to qualify for additional IMF funding.

The largest “living” residency hall has a capacity of 1,277 students, while the smallest accommodates 31 residents. The largest “semi-living” or “dead” residency hall, Cryochamber 2, has a capacity of 15,061 students stacked vertically and 20,908 students stacked horizontally. Cryochamber 2 is currently facing a capacity crisis but it is expected to damper off once Cryochamber 3 is constructed. A majority of upper-division and sane students live in off-campus igloos, ice palaces, and foreign research laboratories with the largest concentrations in the Western and Southern Campus areas. The higher cost of living in Ice Harbor, Ichigan has prompted some students to commute by residing in nearby communities such as Punta Arenas and Sydney.

Activities

“I can't feel my fucking balls!”
~ The traditional student exclamation on playing the University's signature sport

Besides hockey, the far more entertaining and acclaimed competition is a historically revered Arctic quasi-sport in which students dip their testicles into fishing holes until they retract totally inside the body; this event is accompanied by shouting the name of the quasi-sport in a loud (and very high) voice. The student who reaches this climax first is the victor. The contest was discontinued in March of 2008 when a contestant's test of the water attracted a killer whale.

The school once had a baseball team, until the first batter of the 1996 season was beaned by John "Lil" Wayne's legendary 112 mph fastball. On his deathbed, he claimed he never saw the pitch, surely because the white baseball blended perfectly into the ice and snow that covered the entire stadium. It was the first and last pitch the baseball program ever experienced.

This activity inspired a future Jack Ass stunt and is widely considered by incompetent people as being a healthy activity and recreational Arctic sport not unlike ice swimming. Oprah Winfrey had played this game on the University’s inception day whilst she sang the fight song as her entrance anthem in preference over the more traditional Hail to the Chief during her night class interim from January through February 2008.

Recreation

Penguin-pool-thumb
Natural Olympic outdoor swimming pool, beside the university's Ice House stadium. Lanes to be installed whenever the penguins feel like leaving.

Besides dying, U of AA students have taken up a plethora of abominable hobbies to keep them occupied whilst freezing in between classes. During the winter months, which have yet to be experienced, a great number of the Frost Campus student residence plan on taking up staying inside and keeping warm. During the summer months, snowboarding and ice fishing were the most popular activities of the Frost Campus while the more snobbish Ice Campus took up water skiing and ice croquette.

For a brief while after the students appeared to be co-existing amiably, they eventually began partitioning the dormitories and cryogenic chambers declaring which entities had more control over the available food and propane resources. These quarrels were typically resolved by a game of “I can’t feel my fucking balls” until the intrinsic mentality of sectarian war began to settle in. Three weeks after the food and electricity ran out, students turned their attention to more primitive recreational hobbies such as forming pagan religions, killing each another, and hockey.

Fight song

The University of Antarctica’s fight song, God, I’m Fucking Cold, was written by Coldplay in 2008 following a last-minute hockey victory over a group of penguins that clinched the league championship by secretly turning up the arena's A/C from "Winnipeg" to "Fucking Cold". The song was declared by the late John Philip Sousa as "The greatest college fight song written, last week." The anthem enunciates many of the university's internationally regarded statuses, such as being the "only champions of the South" and "bestial violators of penguins". At the time, U of AA was involved in the geographic "Northern Conference", which would later become the Big One Conference. Although mainly chanted at sporting events, the fight song can be heard at other extra-curricular activities that U of AA partakes in such as the “falling over dead freezing” competition, the “get naked and say: I can’t feel my fucking balls/vulva” contest, and the 397 day-a-year competitive eating event "Ice Harbor Slots snow eating contest" which still continues today.

Quacker
Witness' rendition of quackers to campus security. Circa 2007.

Official Mascot

One of the most notable tidbits, or rather caveats, about the University of Antarctica is the horrifying legend of an insane mascot bird known only as Quackers, a 2'7” tuxedo-wearing homicidal emperor penguin that ran amok on campus many years ago and fatally shot 47 people in less than 5 minutes with a harpoon gun and a single harpoon. Since his reign of terror, the mascot is now purported to be the infamous demonic idol "Homojoker", which incidentally is the re-incarnate of Heath Ledger and the arch nemesis in Ghostbusters III, which was summoned by faculty and students of the school's religious studies department during Pagan Worship Day and the subsequent séances that followed on campus grounds. The lore is now well kept in the spirit of the university as a ghost tale told around late-night marshmallow roasting political debates on Antarctic politics of the Glacier Area dormitory recreational SlipSlide Fjord.

The second attack ocurred during one of these colloquies, which ended abruptly on March 14th 2008 when Quackers appeared during the climax of the tale and skewered 17 students and the story-teller with his harpoon whilst quacking uncontrollably. It could be that the ill-fated student body of "The Purified Agricultural College of the Extraterritorial Land of Ichigan" were never killed by an air-conditioner malfunction but were, in fact, slain by the homicidal penguin. This was alleged in 2007 when Campus Security re-evaluated the site of the murders and discovered that what they once believed was an incongruent running-track, is actually a 50 foot-long 600 foot-wide trail of blood. It spells the name of “Quackers” when viewed from orbit.

Quackers is also suspected of flaying the original president of the University of Antarctica, and Dean of Present Unwrapping, Anti-Santa, Ph.D., from 2008-2009; however, the orthodox belief is that he was eaten by killer whale while dipping his testicles into the school's Ice Pond Memorial.

Notable Alumni

Freezing Jack
U of AA alumni Jack Nicholson contemplating Arctic philosophy in the quadrangle. Circa 1980.

U of AA has over four living graduates and is considered to be an astonishing feat by humanitarians and sensible doctors. In addition to the late U.S. Nobel Prize Winner, Herald Nash, the university has produced zero Rhodes scholars, zero Olympic gold medalists, and zero and a half Special Olympic medalists (the Amazing Torso-less Spiderman "Schwidiclegrubenster" and one Vanilla Ice, M.B.A.). Several potential astronauts are also alumni including the all-UAA Apollo 42 that has yet to launch or be legitimately announced into existence. Ice Cube is also a noteworthy alumni but he has yet to show up class; how he graduated remains one of the least pondered questions of the collegiate world.

Of the arts and theatrics, there is Jack Nicholson whom spent a death defying term on the grounds of what-would-become U of AA campus in 1980; Steve McQueen, whom many refer to as being "cool" undoubtedly earned his attributes from his three week tenure as the deceased Dean of Necrophilia; and most notably Some Guy who finished his term living and graduated living, an accomplishment noteworthy of the utmost regard as well as the "pillar of ice" award which is an handsome block of ice given to all surviving students on their day of graduation. Some Guy reportedly drowned to death due to the "pillar of ice" melting in his sleeping bag upon returning to more favorable climates.

See also

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