University College Cork

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“Hey, Sexy Boots”
~ Bono on "Ugg"ly Students
University College Cork
Crestucc
Motto No Jews.
Established 1845
School type see Irish Educational Institutions
President Jay Grobart - Burt Reynolds character in 'The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing'
Location Cork, Ireland
Campus Urban 9,000 sq./Acre
Enrollment 15,854.3 undergraduate,
561,238.6 graduate
Faculty 600 Godless killing machines
Nickname Ninja Pirates
Mascot Tilda the Menstruating Feral Cat.
Tilda is a she.
Feralcat1

University College Cork (UCC) (Irish: Coláiste na hOllscoile Corcaigh) is a constituent university of the National University of Ireland. The university is located in Cork.

The university is famous for its suicide faculty, which is staffed entirely by ex-cons and escaped mental patients. The most notable of which is the Derek Bridge who has murdered many a student and only a few lecturers, he can easily be spotted by the straight jacket he wears.

Academically, UCC has been top 20 in The Times' "Top 100 colleges in Cork" for 3 of the past 4 years. Graduates from UCC are guaranteed secure jobs for the rest of their lives in occupations such as drug trafficking and prostitution.

Campus rules are simple and fair, and are rigorously enforced by a selection of the Dean's "Sycophant-Underlings or SU for short" armed with lengthy titles and attitude. Such rules include "Miniskirt Tuesday", the "You must be, at least, this much Asian or Russian to do a post-graduate in Computer Science" rule and the rigorously enforced "Oompa-Loompa rule" for Commerce Students.

Former RTE broadcaster, Mike Murphy currently rules as President of UCC.

A Brief History of UCC

Curse
Students stop to discuss the mysterious black hole in the centre of the college crest.

Shortly after it's founding, debate raged as to who was to be majority shareholder. This argument escalated into fullscale war in 1847 when the elected head of the transvestites lobby, Finbar, "Professer of Pain", issued an ultimatum to the leader of the Convicts, a man known only as Snake. After 6 months of intense and hilarious battle the transvestites emerged victorious. To commemorate this glorious day the college was renamed "Queen's College". The now famous clock tower building was constructed on the very site where Finbarr gave the evil convict leader his final lesson in pain! To this day the UCC crest remains emblazoned into the clock tower floor, adorned with the college motto "Where Finbarr taught, let Munster learn" To this effect, UCC has been dolling out steaming hot bowls of anguish, pressure and agony to generations of students from monster and beyond since that fateful day.

In 1849 a distinguished academic by the name of George Boole successfully applied for a professorship at UCC. During his time at the UCC mathematics department he developed many of the equations that would make it possible for many of the everyday objects we take for granted to come into existence later. 2 months after his application he had derived the "Browening Equation" specifically Bread+Fire=Toast(Which he called Pyronised Bread). The significance of this complex equation would not be fully understood until perhaps 40 years later when the toaster was invented by the descendant of Lord Sandwich, The Duke of Toastington.

In 1850 he developed an equation that would pave the way for washing machine spin-cycles, but his greatest achievement, the Boolean Automated Lawn Tennis Simulator, was not to come until midway into his career. Boole had always been an avid fan of Tennis, but, being a Vampire on his father's side, could never indulge during the polite, daytime hours. Ever since he received a book on Euclidian Geometry for his 15'th birthday, Boole had dedicated his life to solving this crepuscular dilemma of his. To do this he invented a string of sensical philosophy called Boolean Logic. Using this ingenious system, Boole was able to develop what would eventually become Computer Pong. Boole died in 1864 of pneumonia as a result of eating way too many ice lollies way too fast.

Apart from a visit from WWE wrestler Kane (which resulted in a renaming of the Tatanka Building), not much has happened since in UCC. Having risen from humble transvestite-convict roots, UCC is now Ireland's most prestigious University, next to Trinity, UCD, NUIG and DCU (but not UL).

UCC Campus Tour

Student Centre

Olmic
Students enjoy their lunch-break in the shade of one of the many Olmic Temples that dot the Campus.

Located just left a bit from the Honen Chapel, a small church/reliquary donated to the college by God (AKA Jim Dandy) himself exactly 14 years ago, the Student centre houses important Student Ammenities. It contains 2 Restaurants, both of which are identical in all but elevation, an Olympic size swimming pool, a downstairs late night Casino, a "New" bar, which is redecorated and restaffed every 2 months to save Administration having to come up with a better name, and the hall of a googleplex functions, which is where the Law Student come to show off their laptops when the Orb is full (See O'Rahilly Building") Arts Students attend lectures in the Student Centre from the hours of 9-3, in subjects such as "Grilled Sandwiches, a study", "The Chemical Composition of 80c Coffee", "Procrastinatology" and "Wandering Around the Rip-Off Book Shop:

The O'Rahilly Building

DeathStar2
A photo of the outside of the O'Rahilly Building taken at night a long time ago, and from far far away.
It is commonly accepted that the O'Rahilly building inspired the original idea for the popular video game Portal. Levels of the building exist in a parallel dimensional loop, causing each subsequent trip up to the next level to result in the teleportation of the traveller to some lower floor. The halls of the building are guarded by a race of Orange-Skinned, White Puffa Jacket wearing Warriors known as the Comms, and are littered with the fallen bodies or freshers who, after years of searching in vain, failed to find the exit.

The Boole Library

RacistBook
An example of the literature that can be found in the Boole Library.

Named after George Boole, inventor of pong and deceased college alumni. The Boole Library was the first and only library in the world to adopt the "Helter-Skelter" filing system, developed by noted Archivist and Serial Killer Charles Manson. Under said system, each book is given a total of 666 different reference tags and numbers. The books are then placed around the library according to precise astronomical calculations which plot the course of Pluto through the solar system. A computer database is available for any student who finds this system confusing. This trusty system will not only tell you the name of the book you've entered, but also the author and cover-art, thus equipping you with all the necessary tools needed to hunt it down.

The Aula Maxima

According to Oscar Wilde "All roads lead to the Aula Maxima Frank", and, if college signposting is anything to go by, he was right! "Aula Maxima" literally means "Big Hall" in the Church's Latin, who would want to go to a university. In terms of function, it does everything it says on the tin, being both a hall, and of largish size. This room is where the UCC higher echelon take prospective investors for the final segment of the standard Campus tour. As they stand in awe of the rooms largeishness, the reps have more than enough time to pilfer every wallet they can get their sticky hands on. To this date the Aula Maxima pickpocketing initiative has netted the college over 700,000,000 in loose change, several hundred emergency condoms and a lifetimes supply of 'Buy One, Get One Feee' deals for Domino's Pizza.

The Boole Basement

Located some 20,000 leagues under the Library, the Boole Basement is in fact a facility containing lecture halls and a communal showers/computer room and not a seedy nightclub for the LGBT society as is widely believed. The Boole Basement is on floor Q-1 of the Boole Structure (The Q stands for Quality!). Underneath it is the shady and mysterious Q-2, where the college houses the Reactor granted to the Administration by the Americans during the Atoms for Peace Treaty, on clear nights the entire complex emits a gentle green glow, perfect ambient light for the scores of Lesbians, Gays, Bi-Sexuals,

The Kane Building

Kane
Despite the collective will of every student on campus, the Kane building is still standing.
Kanebird
Portal to other horrifying world in the Kane building.

Named after a famous wrestler who, in 2002, became an honorary Professor of Pain, the Kane Building has won the "Architects Quarterly" prize for ugliest building 46 times running. Constructed in 1960 by the same people who built the World Trade Centre, the Kane Building is the tallest building on campus-why are the ugliest things always the easiest to find-and subsequently it's most frequented suicide drop-spot. During the nineteen-eighties, Japanese film crews used the Basement levels of the complex to film cult horror movies. The Building contains chemistry, physics, metaphysics and penis-ology labs .Despite being designed for use by perhaps several thousand students, contains only 2 bathrooms, cunningly hidden behind locker rooms in the lowest level, which coincedently is also where the perverts,phedophiles and necrophiliacs(huh?You saw me hanging round there...but i'm neither a pervert nor a phedophile). Recently the college is abuzz with widespread speculation as to the contents and purpose of floors 5 and 6 of this building, both of which are guarded by a big two headed dog called fluffy who is prone to falling asleep at inopportune moments and are adorned with warning signs sponsered by O2 Ireland.

The Food Science Buidling

None of these however compairs to the three-story tall, sub-campus spanning enigma that is the Food Science Complex. Hastilly constructed several years back by an ultra-skilled Immigrant Micronesian Work-Force, the entire complex appears from the outside to be nothing more than a perfectly normal collection of labs and lecture rooms. It is only when you step inside that you notice something is amiss........silence! The entire building is deserted...unused. The windows in some rooms still have the protective blue wrapping across them, the doors to some of the labs contain no handle or key hole. Few students, if any have ever walked it's halls with purpose. Some speculate that the Food Science Building is a religious folly built in worship of the God Cthulu, some claim that it is a means for the college to up its research grant. Whatever the answer, the Food Science Building will undoubtedly remain a part of Campus lore for many years to come.

Aras Na Laoi

Built in 1842, Aras na Laoi, also known as Aras na gee, as it also operates as an impromptu strip club, (which translates from the native Gaeilge to mean Magnolia Manor) erected to commemorate the site of Corks first public use car park. Today it is host to the Law department of the college. In stark contrast to its lofty neighbour "The Kane Buildig", Aras Na Laoa contains no less than 40 fully functional WCs. In fact, although usually mistaken as just another waste of Students Union resourses by Kevin Nelligan, it is widely speculated that, as the building was to house the Law Department (shit talking, prick headed wankers), this was just careful planning on the part of the original designers.

The Quad

UCC
A picture of the famed UCC crop cross taken from the space-station Mir by a Russian cosmonaut with a Polaroid Camera.

An alien crop cross named after a bar on Tuckey St. in the heart of Cork's 'Public Urinal' District.To the untrained Eye the Quad is nothing More than 4 squares of grass, but to the students of UCC it is so much more.It is four squares of grass with a walkway of gravel connecting them. Many think that the folkloric curse that claims "whomever cross my breadth or span shall fail his end of year exam and to conceive" was invented by the groundsmaster to keep kids from using the quads perfectly manicured lawns as an extension of the Campus Plaza. Recent discoveries have uncovered its true origins. It was in fact started by the groundsmaster, but for a very different measures to prevent any student from entering the portal which involves a 24 hour armed guard regiment. Anyone crossing the perimeter will be shot down by an eagle eyed Campus guard (they go through 2 weeks of rigorous training you know) and dragged to the Main for "Processing".

There is a strict rule enforced that states that only graduates of UCC may cross the Quad. This rule has resulted in honorary graduate degrees being conferred upon many dogs, arts students, Bono, and the creation of the postgrad tractor.

Postgradtractor.jpg
The Postgrad tractor

The Rat Boy

The UCC 'Rat Boy' is known to haunt the the basements of the student center. The product of a failed final year project for some obscure food science degree he has the face of a rat but the body of a boy. Disney are reportedly interested in making a biopic of his heroic struggle to integrate into society.


The Glucksman Gallery

Rubiks
I think the architect succeeded in achieving his original design of a Rubiks cube made entirely out of cheddar.

This truly beautiful piece of architecture was build to celebrate Cork City being named the 2005 Capital of Culchies. During the construction of this building, kitted out in ceiling to floor lapis lasulai mosiac, and with automatic sinks, the Glucksman Toilets are the college's most popular attraction. Benefactors constantly brush off accusations that the art itself is "shallow, pedantic and more off putting then seeing Vinnie Jones act", in fact exclaiming that they take pride in having a big building for themselves.

The Mardyke Arena

The Mardyke Arena is the oldest building in UCC and was originally used as a prison for republicans. However, that is not a bad thing. While kept there they had the chance to have sex with every woman named Mary that lived in Cork City. That is why it used to be called the Marydyke Arena.

It was originally built in 1275 and cost a whopping £100,000,000,000,000,000 to build, which in todays money doesn't even exist! It was subsequently blown up by Communists in 1930 and rebuilt and then renamed The Mardyke Arena after the famous Irish Communist Paddy Mardyke. From then on it went massively downhill and is second to the Food Science Building in terms of its uselessness. There is a rumour that when you are in the showers, that all the Marys ghosts are in there with you, haunted by what had happened to them.

Upon Irish independece the Mardyke Arena was used as a bomb shelter by those predicting the eminent rise of Hitler. Unfortunately, they never came out and now are burried under the swimming pool. It is well known that as well as it may look that the Mardyke Arena is about to collapse any day now because there is no proper foundations to it just dead Marys and bomb shelterers! In the year 2007 it came second in the shittiest UCC buildings award, shortlisted in 2008, and is considered one of the favourites for the 2009 award!

The Enterprise Centre

Enterprise centre
The Enterprise Centre

The Enterprise Centre is located on the other side of Cork Chasm; an odd yard away from civilisation. The Enterprise Centre is the shipbuilding centre responsible for the Enterprise and other starships. It is also known as the distillery fields as a nearby beer mine is the source of the New Bar's alcohol.

In order to get to it, students must cross a suspension bridge. In order to provide sufficient suspense needed for the bridge, a family of trolls live under the bridge. In the past, an agreement was made between Lord Harold Enterprise and the trolls that, in return for not "having a go at female students", the trolls would be given honorary degrees in love. After realising that the degree was considered a humanities degree, however, the trolls, outraged that love was seen as an exclusively human trait, started skirt-chasing around the bridge again. An allstudents email, the last line of defence against the trolls, was sent out almost immediately before any troll-on-human porn could have been filmed.

Notable Religions

As well as having the Honan Chapel on campus to facilitate the marriages of gambling addicted, adulterous scum such as Ronan O' Gara, the hallowed temple that is UCC also offers non-denominational Christian services as organised by the beloved Father Beardy who is known to enjoy a dirty cigarette (preferably Major) or 60 a day. Also, UCC is home to a thriving community of the Church of Jim Dandy, the actions of which are mostly visible in men's toilets across campus.

Political Sympathies

UCC is well known for its vocal support for Quebecois independence from the tyranny of les Anglo-Saxons colonists. Every fresher in the college is issued with a radicalisation pack in order to better fight the scourge of English Canada.

UCC Forum

The Forum UCC (FUCC) is the talking box for the college elders. While there are over 150 different usernames, these can be traced to the same 7 individuals who spend 19 hours a day seeking friendship, controversy and maybe even love on the boards. They are famous for their unending scrutiny of the SU and having a humour maturity which does not extend beyond making jokes about how the name of the forum sounds like a naughty word. Oftentimes this elite super force stand as the last great barrier between freedom and the Apocalypse! Thanks to their tireless and heroic efforts a recent "evil" campaign of egging is still ongoing event though it was mentioned in a local newspaper.

Societies and Clubs

The LGBT Society

For reasons uknown, the UCCLGBTLMNOPSOC, a society which "caters" (the non-food kind) for students of all sexualities, genders, non-sexuality genders and non-gender sexualities, is in fact made up of around 2 gay men, 3 lesbians and 300 straight fag-hags and fag-stags who "loves de gayz". This can possibly be explained by them being so fucking boring. On Wednesday evenings, they host a hardcore sauna in the Kane building's locker rooms.

The Netsoc

By far the oldest society still on the UCC admins pay roll, the Net Soc was started by young followers of the original Transvestite Lobby soon after the opening of the university. With the defeat of the Convicts by Finbarr, The Net Soc gained the esteemed honour of "President's Favourite" (a position currently held by the Philatio Society), in a celebration involving cake, and fizzy pop in those little plastic cups. During the 60's, the era's free spirit encouraged many of the groups most central Transvestites to come out of the closet as homosexuals. This decision was met with much rock throwing by the mostly homophobic student body (a tradition which lives on today, in the minds of the vigilant ever LGBT Society member hoping, praying that one day, they will actually have a cause to fight for). Having fully renounced the net socks of their previous alignments, they seceded and started the wildly unpopular Gloryholers, who were eventually run out of Cork by an allied coalition of annoyed plasterers, masons and carpenters.

The Dance Club

The UCC Dance Club is one of the oldest clubs on campus, perhaps being older than the college itself. Their motto, "Where Finbar pranced, let Munster pivot", was so catchy at the time that it was borrowed by the college founders. The lease for creative license to the motto is due to expire in 2012. UCC President Mike Murphy is frantically renegociating a new contract with the club. The Dance Club members can be identified by the chest down. The official club dance is "Sweet Child of Mine".

The Philosophical Society

The Philosophical Society of UCC or "the 'soph" as they call themselves are the overcoat ponderers of the university. They are believed to have originated at the dawn of time and are responsible for such historic events as the birth of Dr. Who and the Last Supper. They can be recognised by their odd demeanor, hunched backs and utterances of "saaa saaa" in heated debates. They have a strict relious pattern and refrain form drinking, eating and speaking for longer than 7 minutes. They dispute the concept of everything, and detest popular "athletes". Their leader, the coveted "Philosoph King" was once believed to ride around the college in the Jameses' Giant Peach, but this has been disproved, due to the law society's ban on peach-riding on campus. Now believed to exist in the form of one of the Nerd kings, he can be seen wandering and pondering the boole for his disciples. Ready at any moment to strike. The date on which "Philosoph day" falls is undecided at present and is believed to coincide with the Chinese new year.

Commerce Society

Reviled and revered in equal measure the UCC Commerce Society is the richest society on campus and were it not for the pesky guild would spend their massive wealth on more Dom P and Montecristos. Their lavish South Mall Penthouse, with its rich leather bound books, mahogany desks and and superb foie gras is their secret hideout and peasants are strictly forbidden.

Entrepreneur and Social Society

The E&S Society issued membership card allows members access to everything except the Enterprise Centre and the Boole on a Sunday which beyond even E&S's control. The card is said to be more valuable than the University itself and Forbe's magazine estimates that, by 2011, the card will have equal value to that of a small country's GDP. DCU's E&S has been making attempts to forge the cards to huge amounts of success. The society regularly competes in money fights with the Commerce Society where the winner gets more money. Honorary Presidents include Bill Cullen and Scrooge McDuck.

The Journalism Society

Specialising in trips to RTE, the journalism society is famous as the society where Murder She Wrote Actress, Angela Lanesbury, trained to get into character. Indeed thirty typewriters she donated to the society were made redundant with Netsoc's discovery of computers.

With the introduction of the media executive last year, who knows what zany adventures are in store for the journalism society?

The Atheist Society

Following on the footsteps of every single opinion needing to manifest itself into a society such as the anti-choice or anti-life societies, the atheist society, contrary to the Christian, Muslim, Agnostic, Voodoo, Satanist, Law, Scientology, and the Once Pricked-Twice Shy societies, believes in no God. No God can be characterised by his cigar, aviator sunglasses, and his "I have the body of a god; too bad it's a Buddha" t-shirt.. This society means that UCC can invite Richard Dawkins over if they save up enough money.

The Medieval and Renaissance Society

Made up of the reincarnations of people from a bygone age, MedRenSoc were selected to star in M. Night Shyamalan's the Village. Unfortunately, the movie was extremely successful, with many of MedRenSoc becoming highly paid Hollywood actors. So much was the success that the society had to drop the Renaissance part of their name due to dwindling numbers. They now exist as MedSoc and hide in the solitary confines of Brookfield Forest to prevent their members from contacting the outside world. Rumour has it that an entire community has grown up around Brookfield although nobody can be sure of this. Shyamalan's next movie would have you believe that UCC is that community. What a twist!

Nothing has Ever Happened Society

Age-old enemies of the Medieval and Renaissance Society, they were originally known as the Anti-Renaissance Society and believed that the renaissance was rubbish. After merging with the Society for Conspiracy Theorism and the Pessimist Society, they revised their charter and now believe that the Renaissance was not only rubbish, but simultaneously never happened.

The Snowsports Club

It's in Cork. And it's a snowsports club. Currently campaigning for real snow. Have not been successful.

The CAPriccio Society

The CAPriccio Society appreciate the Common Agricultural Policy. They do this through the art of music. Unfortunately, as agricultural is such a hard word to find rhymes for, the society spends its time doing other things.

Fianna Fáil Society

Also known as the Drinking Society, acknowledging their Parties poor performance in Government, the members choose to drink at every available opportunity in order to avoid political conversation! Recognizable members include Eoin Furlong, the eccentric Stout Swilling, Neo-Nazi, who is widely known for his Xenophobia and Euroscepticism,and Gary Keane, the Rage Machine, whos diet consists of a steady mixture of fire-lighters and Petrol, Gary is also known to be found lurking around playgrounds wearing a fake beard and long black trench coat and also Seán O'Mahony who once pawned his brother for drink money! During the 2008-09 year the Society collectively drank the equivalent of Lough Neagh in alcoholic beverages, with a total cost of their sanity.

The Cricket Club

Alleged club exists...Plays cricket.

The Rowing Club

The preserve of the upper middle class

Flemdog

A living legend around campus, he is also known as 'the Fleminator'. He can often be found wandering around the niteclubs of Cork, seeking his next victim. He is driven purely by his libido and is widely known to have provided Eminem with some of the lyrics for his single, 'My Name Is', including the lines; 'I'll fuck anything that walks', 'I just drank a pint of semen, dare me to drive?' and 'My English teacher wanted to have sex in junior high, the only problem is my English teacher was a guy.' Flemdog relied heavily on real life experiences when penning these lines. It is also said that Flemdog wears a showercap to bed, believing it to grant him bizarre sexual powers. It is rumoured that he is asexual (i.e. can reproduce with himself) and hoards an army of 'flempuppies' in Renasup. Flemdog also enjoys romantic facebook comments and controversial walks on the beach.

Famous Alumni

  • George Boole
  • Burt Reynolds
  • Rafa Marquez, President of Mexico
  • Sven Goran Erikson
  • Your old lade
  • Jim Morrison's leather pants
  • Marys from the Marydyke
  • James Hetfield
  • Dead bombshelterers
  • Robert E. Lee, Confederate General
  • MacGuyver
  • The Echo Man who sells the Evening Echo newspaper on Patricks Street
  • Fidel Castro
  • Jesus
  • Andy Doyle
  • John Spartan - Stallone's character from 'Demolition Man'
  • Stewie Griffin
  • Eddy Hobbs
  • Santa Clause
  • Ted DiBiase - Two time 'Million Dollar Champion'
  • Ian Fleming - Author of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
  • John Murphy

Honourary Doctorates

Every four years UCC offer honourary doctorate's to individuals who have made a notable contribution to campus culture and have excelled in their area of expertise; this is a subtle effort by UCC to compete with the Olympics for media attention. These awards are considered to be very prestigious, with the ceremonies usually being held somewhere nice.

1984

  • Roald Dahl - British Novelist and noted paedophile
  • An Honourary Doctorate - An attempt by the Physics Department at collapsing time. Nothing happened, to the amusement of Roald Dahl and the doctorate.

1988

  • Gary Glitter - 80's pop musician and childrens rights activist
  • Christian Slater - Abstract Expressionist & Cubist Actor

1992

  • Juan Carlos Varela - Panamanian opposition leader and co-star of ABC's 1980's TV series 'The Wonder Years' (Randy)
  • Bono - Inventor of Africa, House Music, Bonopoly and, to a lesser extent, the AIDS

1996

  • Neil Diamond - Money talks, but it dont sing and dance and it dont walk...
  • Sgt. Joseph Andrew 'Joe' Bomowski - Stallone's character from 'Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot'

2000

  • Rocky Racoon - Co-Star of 'Airbud 4: Seventh Inning Stretch' and inventor of baseball
  • The Postgraduate Tractor

2004

  • Adhesives, The controlled application of
  • Bryan Gunn - Pixelated Norwich City goalkeeper in Sensible Soccer for the Sega Mega Drive (1992)

2008

  • 1-2-3 Kid, the
  • Robert Mugabe - Philanthropist, human rights activist and Oscar nominated make-up artist.

2009

  • George W. Bush- Going to be the next President of UCC and plans to make Cork the rightfull capital of Ireland. Just because God told him to.
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