United States presidential election, 2016

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Trainwreck

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The United States presidential erection of 2016 consisted of a general election campaign two of the worst liked nominees in American history, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Donald Trump was hated by most Americans, as he had personally insulted about three-fourths of them, and he had no experience with politics at all. Hillary Clinton was hated for unfair reasons, such as being bought by Wall Street. In fact, this was because they had too much money and they didn't know what to do with it, so they gave it to her.

edit Republican nomination

The 17 candidates for the Republican nomination were the biggest set of primary candidates in modern history. This was a great improvement for the voters because it gave them many choices on how they wanted to see America fall. Originally, Jeb Bush was the front runner, but everyone knew who the Bush family really was, so they voted against him massively. There were at least ten other candidates that no one noticed because they were too busy staring at Trump being a tv star. Eventually Ted Cruz became the candidate who represented far right conservatives, while Donald Trump became the candidate who represented poor uneducated angry white males. All the other Republicans had such a hard choice, that they couldn't have made it unless they had completely knocked themselves out on alcohol the night before. Evidently, drunk people also tended to favor Trump, because he became the presumptive nominee in early May.

edit Democratic nomination

Main article: Super-delegate

BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! BERNIE! and Hillary eventually won.

edit Other candidates

Several other candidates ran in other political parties or as independents.

  • The Green Party nominated Jill Stein, who promised to be the environmental Messiah, and end unlimited corporate donations towards political campaigns. Unfortunately for her, every major media network was controlled by corporations that wanted to retain their ability to buy politicians, and refused to give her any unpaid media coverage. As a result, the masses glued to their television sets did not think she was a notable candidate. Moreover, people only believed the news on social media that they already expected to hear, which is exactly what they already had been told on television and radio media, along with a few select celebrity gossip tabloid magazines.
  • The Libertarian Party nominated Gary Johnson. He was Jesus Christ incarnate, who had come back to Earth to show the world God's promise and his great love, registered as an independent candidate. However, since he had not bought any advertisements or told any media websites, and his candidacy only announced by word of mouth and him visiting people's homes, he received a minuscule 0.02 percent of the vote, or 29,052 votes in total. The country was evidently too preoccupied with Clinton and Trump to notice him. It was discovered that Born-again Christians and evangelicals had one of the lowest rates of voting for Jesus, at only 0.008 percent. This was higher than only Muslims, at 0.007 percent, and atheists and 0.001 percent. Catholics had the highest rate at 0.027 percent.

edit Campaign

The likable and inevitable Hillary won every debate, and getting advance notice of the questions that would be ask played no role in this result. The polls revealed that Hillary had such a lock on the election that, in the final debate, she and the Impartial Moderator demanded that Trump promise to be a good loser, as opposed to a bad loser. Trump, as always, tried to wriggle out of the question, losing the support of even more voters. Commentators like Larry Kudlow declared that there was a narrow "path to the Presidency" for Trump, but only if impossible assumptions were stacked on top of other impossible assumptions, as they were when Kudlow started his radio program.

Shockingly, on November 8, the narrow path to the Trump Presidency suddenly got as wide as a hopped-up Camaro grinding through a corn field. Sapphire-blue states such as Ohio and Michigan got beet-red, as red as Hillary's blushing face, if it had had any blood in it in the last two decades. Wisconsin even went for Trump, as it might not have done if Hillary had ever taken a trip there after winning the nomination.

edit Search for culprits

The nation, or at least the networks, demanded to know what was responsible. The first theory was that someone at the last moment invented the Electoral College. Despite the millions of extra people voting for Hillary, Trump won this intellectual college vote, 306 to 232 (or 304 to 227, after subtracting Electors who were vomiting too hard to come inside and cast their vote).

When that excuse didn't sell, the Hillary campaign showed its ingenuity, as several other culprits emerged. It turns out that all the elections in the Rust Belt were fixed. They all used electronic voting machines from Venezuela, where Hugo Chávez obviously was pulling for fellow imminent strongman Trump despite pushing daisies. As Hillary had to remain statesmanlike, it fell to Jill Stein to demand a recount in three states that, coincidentally, would exactly deprive Trump of 36 Electoral Votes. This would invoke a national Plan B, sending the decision into the House of Representatives, which everyone could claim was also fixed by Venezuela.

Unfortunately, everyone knows that, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Relying on Stein to demand the recount was ill-fated. In Pennsylvania, a judge threw out the recount as there was a small matter of a filing fee and signatures on petitions. In Detroit, there were more Hillary votes than there were voters, and that was embarrassing. In Wisconsin, Trump fattened his lead by one hundred new votes by the time they called it off entirely.

Hillary herself stated that FBI director James Comey single-handedly threw the election, because when the FBI investigates setting up a private email server and the destruction of thousands of documents, it ought to be discreet about it and not turn it into a fricking soap opera.

Barack Obama finally concluded that Vladimir Putin and the Russians threw the U.S. election. In this theory, Putin wanted to make Hillary lose, who the Russians were plying with speaking fees and acquiring American uranium, and orchestrate the election of a madman instead. Congress called hearings to study this scurrilous behavior. Didn't the Rooskies realize that Hillary as Secretary of State gave them a big red RESET button?

edit See also

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