Voter Information for the 2008 US Presidential Election
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We at Uncyclopedia are very interested in the fate of our world. Unlike our counterparts at Wikipedia we are committed to educate our fellow humans so that they may make informed and intelligent decisions. As you probably already know, no one needs educating more than the American electorate. For this reason, we present the following fair and unbiased information. After reading this, we encourage you to vote for the candidate of your choice.
John McCain: decrepit senile old fool, or competent statesman? Your votes will decide this November.
John McCain is the Republican Party candidate in the upcoming elections. McCain has always embodied the values and beliefs of the Republican Party such as: creating a welfare state for the rich, invading countries to benefit US corporate interests, and tax cuts.
John McCain is a man's man. Not in the sense that men are attracted to him, because that would be weird, since he's old enough to be your grandfather (you sick bastard) but rather he is the sort of man that men respect and admire; the sort of man you would like to have a beer, or other beverage of your choice, with.
Reasons to vote for McCain
- He is experienced. This is due to the fact that he is old. In fact, he is a man who is well past his intellectual prime and thus exactly the sort of man to run a country. America wants a President not a thinker.
- He is a war hero, in the sense that every American who was ever in a war is automatically a hero, whereas the yellow or brown people they kill are barely human at all. As a bomber pilot in Vietnam, McCain spent his time bombing villages full of women and children from 30,000 feet, before being shot down and captured, where his right eye was eventually ripped clean out of its socket.
- He was tortured. While in captivity, McCain was tortured repeatedly. As experts will tell you, torture causes unimaginable emotional and psychological damage to a person. Have pity on this poor man – make him your president.
- He is not a black person. In contrast to his Democratic rival, John McCain is not an America-hating, flag-burning nigger. Nor is he a secret Muslim.
- Sarah Palin. Behind every great president, there is a great woman. Sarah Palin is just such a woman. Looking, as she does, like a pit bull wearing lipstick, she has a wholesome image for American women. But she's not just an ugly woman with a horrible whiny voice - she has the foreign policy experience to back it up. She can see Russia from her house.
Reasons not to vote for McCain
- He can't raise his arms above shoulder level. This means that he may be unable to reach the nuclear launch codes (which are placed on a high shelf, out of reach of children and spies) in an emergency.
- He is for keeping troops in Iraq. I mean, come on! The war has become immoral all of a sudden, why can't he move with the times?
- He is against hope and change! What sort of man could be against these vague, empty, nice-sounding phrases?
- He crashed three planes. Most people have only crashed one plane. This guy's crashed three.
Can we trust a black man with the Presidency, or is he secretly planning to enslave all the white population as an act of revenge? Your votes will decide this November.
Obama was born in Kenya, in Western Africa, where he attended school with Osama Bin Laden and Malcom X. After fleeing Africa to escape female circumcision, he then attended school, and later university, in the United States.
Despite being part of the upper-class American elite, Obama insists that he still stays true to his roots, thus maintaining his “street cred”. For example, in a recent statement he stated “I still stay true to my roots, thus maintaining my street cred... homies.”
Reasons to vote for Obama
- He inspires people with his powerful message of “hope” and “change” without getting into any specifics. That way, it is left up to the voters to fill in the blanks as to what the message actually means, and to vote accordingly. In this respect, Obama is much like a Kinder egg: he might make your dreams come true, or you might just get a shitty plastic pirate ship that you have to assemble yourself. Also, like a Kinder egg he has a chocolatey exterior.
- He's going to pull the troops out of Iraq. Operating under the principle that the Iraqis should be left alone to get on with their orgy of sectarian murder, Obama plans to pull all of the troops out of Iraq so that no more important people have to die (except in Afghanistan).
- He is bringing in universal health insurance. Just like every Democratic Presidential candidate in the last 20 years, Obama promises to give everyone free health insurance, so that the poor no longer have to die simply because they are poor.
Reasons not to vote for Obama
- He's a black person. Unlike John McCain, Barack Obama is, in fact, black. Thus, like all “African Americans” he is inherently untrustworthy, hates upper class white people, and will probably waste all the country's money “pimping” the White House.
- He's probably a Muslim – one of those crazy, liberal, pro-abortion Muslims. Thus, under the principle that all Muslims are terrorists, he is a terrorist. Obama set up a whole website to counter the claim that he is a closet Muslim. Methinks he doth protest too much.
- He has no experience. Because Obama is, like, 12 or something, he has very little experience of governing, unlike more experienced and therefore superior people like Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld.
- He is Paris Hilton. Nobody wants to see the president of the United States and leader of the free world falling out of a limousine at three o'clock in the morning, helplessly drunk and flashing his vagina all over the place. The man you elect in November, should spend their time thinking about policy, not running around the country doing odd jobs with Nicole Richie.
- His wife is uppity, and a black as well. Michelle Obama simply isn't like Jacqueline Kennedy, Nancy Reagan or Laura Bush, all good Christian women. Michelle Obama is a militant, and a puppeteer of her husband. And rather than thinking she is better than all of the American women, she knows she is better then everyone else. That kind of confidence, in a black woman other than Oprah, is dangerous.
Ralph Nader is also running for President.
Reasons to vote for Nader
- He's not McCain. Unlike McCain, he is not McCain.
- He's not Obama. Unlike Obama, he is not Obama.
Whatever way you choose to vote this November, we at Uncyclopedia are sure it will be the right choice (even if it is the wrong one, because that's how democracy works). Remember that every vote counts, just not very much, so be sure to go out and vote.