United States of Earth
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Looking back with the benefit of 60 years hindsight it is possible to be unaware of just how unlikely the creation of the United States of Earth was at the start of the twenty first century. If you're under forty, of course, you are the second generation born a citizen of Earth, but just how did this eminently sensible political arrangement come about, and why did it take so long to come to pass?
The very idea would have seemed laughable in 2010. Surely the Arabs would always resent the Israelis, the Armenians would never forgive the Turks, the Chinese would continue to hate the Japanese, India would perpetually distrust Pakistan, the Russians would control crime, the Poles would continue to be joked about, and the French would always feel disdain for everyone. But no, over thirty years the world began to coalesce with the beacon of freedom and democracy - the United States of America - which was nothing less than a 'working example' to lure the global population into accepting the United States of Earth. The U.S.E. being the natural refuge of terrorized humanity. With the globe as a single country, composed of country-states, there is no longer possibility of war, apart from regional outbreaks of civil strife - which are a para-military police matter. There can be no question of world war unless the USE were attacked by aliens from outer space - which proved to be the final step to clinch total global unification.
The USE had long been deemed to be the ideal alternative to terrorism, insecurity, currency manipulation, nuclear proliferation, warlordism, unequal food and water distribution, human rights violations, and, of course, racism. Although the final stage was achieved when the USE planners successfully faked a Martian invasion. "Mars Attacks II" was produced by Hollywood and played-out on all media, thus uniting the Earth under a common banner. The Martians were subsequently defeated by hoards of patriotic malaria-laden kamikaze mosquitoes, and the United States of Earth was all that remained. A single planet-country full of patriots and scoundrels, just like before. But now the world's entire atomic arsenal and all branches of the military are firmly under a single, central command - everyone working together to defend the Earth's atmosphere from hostile intruders.
Laying the foundations
Unbeknown to most, until this Uncyclopedia article, the very existence of the United States of America was part of a long-term plan to unify the world under the command of the the British Royal family - the ultimate masters of the Illuminati. King George the Third was more than mere rhyming slang, purportedly mad as a March hatter he was, in fact, playing the longest of long games. Imposing a tax on tea allowed George to push the thirteen colonies towards democratic freedom while simultaneously giving Americans an abiding aversion to Britain's national drink, guaranteeing supplies would remain cheap and easily available at home. Over the next two hundred years, the proto-United States of Earth spread across the North American continent. Eventually it extended its grasp as far as Israel, the Philippines, Cuba, Puerto Rico and, as result of World War II, Japan and much of Western Europe.
But the Illuminati have not retained control of Earth's major civilizations for two millenia without planning ahead. To diffuse resentment America granted freedom to its conquests and deliberately showed its fallibility to lesser nations by failing to achieve any of its supposed political aims in either Korea, Vietnam or, later, Somalia, Iraq or Afghanistan. The notion of the world agreeing to merge with the USA seemed patiently absurd. Suddenly, however, the gears began to click into place and turn.
Africa and South America
In November 2008, America elected its first Hawaiian president, Barack Obama. The wider world took notice, shrugged and went back to hating its neighbours. Sub-Saharan African nations, however, began to think of the USA more positively than at any time since the 1970s. For decades they had suffered poverty, war, famine and pestilence under the governance of strong-men leaders. Why put up with having their national resources misappropriated by the likes of Robert Mugabe while the country's infrastructure rotted and their standard of living declined when Obama had shown that the same could be achieved under a stylish leader with bigger ears and a cuter family? Between January 2011 and March 2017 forty-five African nations voluntarily joined the United States, swelling its population by an additional 1.5 billion, its landmass by 27 million square kilometres and its GDP by $4.50 per annum.
North Africa remained largely immune to the Obama charm, possibly due to lingering Muslim doubts about America's ties to Israel. Latin America, however, began to look again at its Northern neighbour. Over the previous six decades the US had cleverly drawn each of its southern neighbours into its orbit. In 2018 Mexico became the first to apply to join the USA, realizing that this was the only way to regain its population, 87.3% of which had moved north in search of work and television not based around masked wrestlers. The economies of Colombia, Brazil, Argentina and Panama had long been tied the fortunes of the USA. In 2020 Obama (now assassinated but appointed Eternal President in Spirit) began to take action to ensure they join the growing World Union. He pushed the senate to accept outline legislation that would have crippled the four nations financially. Drug rehabilitation programs were expanded, threatening Colombia's only export; McDonald's were forced to admit that it was perfectly possible to make a Big Mac without meat from creatures with faces, threatening Argentina's vast beef-trade, the senate agreed to scrap carbon-emission targets in the hope of melting a North-West passage and crippling the economy of the canal zone; Brazil's economy was threatened with devastation when Congress agreed to ban imports of transexuals for LA's booming porn industry. Once these four pivotal nations gave up their independence, other Latin American nations could see no more reason to resist. Indeed, Paraguay and Belize began to question why they had ever existed. By 2025, Canada crumpled when it became clear that America was self-sufficient in snow, trees and Celine Dionne.
Europe and Asia
In 1945 American forces occupied most of Britain, France, Italy, Austria, Germany and those iddy-biddy countries in between where they make beer. Given this position of power, and the utter defencelessness of Western Europe it seems strange that no attempt was made to integrate the continent into the USE. But the Illuminati know better than anyone that it is important for mere proles to not only accept but to actively insist on joining the Union. Cunningly, the US helped create the European Union - an organization so hopelessly mismatched in language and culture that only the adoption of English as the official language (August 2015) could bind it together.
At the same time, acting through their Hollywood media arms Illuminati financiers promoted European films and music, forcing Kraftwerk, Roxette and the works of Francois Truffaut on despairing audiences. When Johnny Halliday made yet another "Farewell Tour" in 2017, this time supporting Cliff Richard, Europeans had had enough. They demanded an end to movies in which anguish souls pondered their existence in smoky coffee-houses, and insisted that in future character and plot must take second place to explosions and car chases. With French bureaucrats still running the EU's cultural arms how could they ever hope to escape re-issued box sets of Maurice Chevalier and incessant festivals of Czech animation on TV?
In perhaps the most unlikely of revolutions, the populace of the EU (now stretching to the borders of Russia) overthrew their masters, demanding a cultural diet richer in Knight Rider and R&B stars in fewer clothes. Within Six months the United States of Earth was one giant step closer to completion.
Asia was an all together easier nut to crack. Stealthily, the United States of America showed its human side to the Asian masses by losing a succession of wars in the region despite an overwhelming superiority in men, arms and military intelligence. It was an investment that was to reap rewards decades later. By 2020, the still incomplete United States of Earth comprised most of the Americas, Africa and Europe. The merest threat to stop imports of blu-ray players and cheap t-shirts, added to the threat to ban exports from the mineral rich nations of Africa sent shudders through China and India. Culturally, the suggestion that Manchester United matches would no longer by broadcast via satellite provoked riots on the streets of Shanghai, Jakarta, Mumbai and a score of other Asian cities. When the Eternal President in Spirit issued a declaration of intent to repatriate Lucy Liu to her ancestral home, China folded and the rest of the continent followed like a stack of cards.
The Middle East
The Middle East was always going to be difficult. Just what unified this disparate group of nations? Even their interpretations of Islam resulted in bitter division rather than concord. It was another far-sighted act of American foreign policy that drew the region together - simply by creating the state of Israel, the US sowed the seeds of final unity. Suddenly, everyone from Morocco to Kandahar had reason to hate America, a unity of feeling that successive American governments reinforced at great expense by bombing Libya, invading Iraq and overthrowing the misunderstood but populist regime in Afghanistan.
At the close of the twentieth century, America allowed its enemies a moment of perceived triumph by flying its own aircraft into some of its most iconic buildings and giving the glory to Al-Qaeda. Once the Muslim world lost its fear of America it began to see parallels to its own world view - the acceptance of Iron Age fables as a basis for government and vengeful execution of criminals to name but two. Simultaneously, American scientists created the idea of a Greenhouse Effect and the subsequent rush to cut carbon emissions in the industrialized nations already within the USE by investing in green technologies and banning oil imports crippled Middle eastern economies. When Hilary Clinton visited a Coptic Christian monastery near Cairo in 2027 and ceremonially defecated on a cross-shaped thingumabob, America's popularity began to swell. Soon after, it became apparent to even the poorest Arabs that goat-related pornography was not only available but legal in the US, the path to unity was finally open. What no one had believed possible was finally achieved when Colonel Gadaffi opened the first Kosher Sausage Deli concession at Disneyland, Mecca.
The rest of the World
By 2025, the USE covered almost 70% of the globe and contained 90% of its population. Australia signed up in 2023 when its government admitted that "We thought we'd been living in America all along". New Zealand and the smaller Pacific nations finally disappeared beneath the waves in 2025. Only Russia remained briefly independent.
It was the 2028 Olympic games that finally swayed opinion in Moscow. Despite 38 gold medals and over 100 other medalists, it became obvious that finishing second overall still left Russia in last place. When the USE annexed the moon Russians began to feel left behind and the Perpetual President of the Federation, Vladimir Putin began negotiations. In 2029, the USE agreed to slash Vodka duties and to allow Red Army soldiers to periodically occupy their neighbours. Kremlin leaders felt they were left with no remaining excuses to stand apart from the rest of the world.
How it happened
In the very beginning of eternity nothing was happening when, suddenly, a huge BANG rang out, and the material existence appeared. This was followed by the resounding bark of flatulence and the Illuminati forefathers (and mothers) were born. The Creator, what's-his/her-name, saw Illuminati, and said, "I had desired it with an ardour that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart.” Yet, for still undisclosed reasons, the Creator cleverly added Illuminati to the material existence by joining the two creations. And, thus, the NWO plan was set in motion, crushing all who resisted its allure.
At first the New World Order faced many obstacles. Dinosaurs, volcanos, and floods interrupted the plan, followed by other annoying occurrences such as intercontinental diseases, asteroid impacts, mass extinctions, pole changes causing shifting oceans and continents, as well as other unforeseen events. But in spite of all these set backs the forefathers were determined to unite the planet. And eventually the Iron Age reared its head and from thence onwards there was no stopping technology and terrorism, which together comprise the "T".
Finally, after a succession of necessary wars, the time was right. In the early 21st century, steps were taken by the Illuminati, fronted by the FED, which eventually brought into place our current "one world government." Although this was eons in the process of being achieved, yet the first steps, post 9/11, were the creation of the EU (European Union) and the NAU (North American Union - an amalgamation of Canada, the USA, and Mexico), which then joined North and South America, thus creating the All American Union (AAU), with an economy based on the Amero as the new currency. This was followed by the AAU joining with the European Union (EU) and the Asian Union (AU), who combined the Amero, the Euro and the Asio, which they joined into a single world currency called, by chance, the "Amero."
They jointly divided the World into 6 economic zones, viz., Porno, Petroleum, Drugs, Water, Food & Weapons. This was the plan controlled by the enlightened-ones through the medium of Alchemy: mysteriously transforming paper into 'fool's gold'. As described before, gradually all the world's countries became states which were then combined for total one-world government or the New World Order. In the natural course of man-made events, the entire planet had become one big round globe-shaped country; the UN, now infused with real power, became the central government, and all old Countries, large and small, became states in the United States of Earth. The leader of each country-state duly elected by the people as hand-picked by Illuminati - through manipulation of the media - to represent each state in the USE world central government. The two hundred fifty two countries and territories of the world (including the Moon state) joined as states along with the fifty six states and territories of America, bringing the total number of states in the USE to three hundred eight states in the world union.
Illuminati and sons, refers to invisible power-bankers originally associated with England and Germany (where it all began) previously known as the Federal Reserve and who own the Forbes' rich list. They fund the USE, they own the USE, and they own you and me.
- Principal Occupation: Alchemy: Transforming paper into gold by printing money for free and lending to the World at imaginary value plus interest.
- Secondary Occupations: Starting Wars - Selling weapons. Creating Earthquakes - Selling rebuilding materials and services. Creating hurricanes - Selling levee. Creating anti-porn laws - Selling porno. Banning drugs - Selling drugs. Making anything in particular illegal - Selling anything in particular that is illegal.
- Hidden Occupations: Planning History - Making History - Writing History.
The USE law book is so huge that it could not even fit onto the entire Internet. But the following laws are paramount: The USE Law is THE law. Sharia law is illegal. All denizens of the USE must wear a silver, a blue, or a dark-red jump-suit with a large V in the front and back. The USE owns every single productive person. Every non-productive person will be transformed into Soylent white, brown, black, yellow, or green, depending on race at birth as either a honky, a beaner, a nig-nog, a dink, or a vegetarian. English, Spanish, French, Cantonese, Hindi, Zulu, and Yiddish are the only permitted language (to speak the illegal languages go to a "speak easy"). You're FREE to go where ever you're orders specify. You're FREE to do exactly what you're told. You're FREE to eat & drink whatever THEY like. You're FREE, i.e., Worthless! Religion is a banned luxury no one can afford. Every member must have a micro-chip ID card that tells everything from body temperature, location, blood contents, to bank balance, taxes, and guilt complex. Anyone caught without their USE ID card, even while taking a shower, will be terminated by the 'police-bots'. BNA is strictly forbidden. No Pass Ports. No Ports Passed. Converting anyone or anything into anything or anyone is forbidden. Not voting for the Governor of your state is against the USE law, as is having more than one candidate.
And there are a million more laws. There are even laws against laws. But foremost of all, remember: it is illegal to get caught. Obey this last rule and you'll live happily in the USE.