United States Air Force Academy
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|United States Air, Space, and Cyberspace Force Academy|
|Motto||"If you are happy and you know it... we want to fix you"|
|School type||Flat with Boxes|
|Head||Current Football Coach|
|Location||The Zoo, Colorado, USA|
|Endowment||3 inches (Average)|
|Faculty||Students are self-taught while Professors stand in the corner working on fluffing their OPRs in order to get promoted below the zone|
|Mascot||A large blue chicken which appears to have been the result of unethical experiments with radiation|
The United States Air Force Academy (USAFA), is a relatively small party school with a large military problem. Located just south of Monument, Colorado, is most notably the inspiration for J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" book series. In 1990, after Rowling was expelled from the Academy due to her inability to recite the Star Spangled Banner in Russian, she began writing the first Harry Potter book. Based completely on the experiences of her and a small group of cadets, the only noticeable difference between the series and real life is that at the Academy no one talks with a British accent.
Once a young student accepts the challenge of Basic Training at the Air Force Academy, they change their status from "person" to "cadet". If they are going into the prep school, their status changes from "normal person" to "cadet candidate". Graduates of the four-year institute are commissioned as butthole bars in the Air Force. Older graduates may often be seen at football games saying things like "stand up when the Air Force song is playing" to unwary cadets, and dropping the term "O-6" several times in one sentence to prove their importance. The program at the Academy is based on its core values of "Football First, Service Thyself, and Persecution In All We Do".
The Air Force Academy is often referred to informally as "the United SAF Academy" or the "University of Science And Fine Arts". Unlike the service academies at West Point and Annapolis, Air Force Academy graduates actually receive an education. In athletic events, the Academy is generally referred to simply as "Air Force." After graduation, Air Force Academy graduates are often referred to as "Boss", "Sir", or "General, Sir".
Despite the formality of their "education" most male cadets are so sheltered and brainwashed by the time they graduate that they cannot hold normal conversations, go on normal dates, or otherwise hold a job that does not predominantly involve kissing a senior Air Force officer's ass. Some scientist, however, believe that these cadets may have been like that before coming to the academy, since charts have proven that the only males who directly enter the academy are either gay, taken, or have an unexplained aversion to women other than Victoria's Secret models and Martha Stewart (her not so much).
The Academy was established by the Wright Brothers as a place where they could ride bicycles and fly kites simultaneously. They chose Colorado Springs due to the lack in oxygen and liberal people (the Wrights avoided the Leghts as much as possible). After no consideration they opened the school to young nerds who wanted to go to college and be in the Air Force at the same time. Soon after opening the Academy, someone said "It would be awesome if we marched around every day and stuff", leading to many years of misery.
edit The early years
Back a long time ago, long before anyone still living was born, the first class entered the Academy. They took classes on paper airplane folding and other such nonsense. They wore khaki-colored uniforms and all major in a combination of knife fighting, weightlifting, and epic slide rule skills. That is pretty much all that is known about them anymore today.
The Vietnam War was a challenging time for the Academy. Because the Academy grounds are open to the public, the Academy often became a site for protests by hippies. It was also very difficult for cadets to get to class on time what with all the Charlie waiting to pop out of the bushes. This is why all decent landscaping has been removed from the cadet area. Today Charlie can be found beneath the covers of Basic Cadets beds. Find him. And do push-ups.
edit Females at the Academy
While designing the Academy, most general officers agreed that "no split-tails" should be allowed. Original plans, developed by old men with bush-like facial hair in the depths of the Pentagon, described the standard cadet as a 6 foot tall, lean, blue-eyed youth, completely void of body hair, and "with an ass like 20 year old college girl". This was later amended to allow for cadets between 5 and 7 feet tall.
It has been rumored that the Academy began accepting females into its ranks as early as 1976. This theory, however, is likely impossible due to the fact that all females are stripped of all femininity during the process called basic cadet training. Here, females' hair is chopped off, all makeup is confiscated and they are given male uniforms that make them look similar to whales. Most "females" are prone to an infection known locally as Colorado Hip Disease, which is brought on by a combination of running on steep hills, depression, lots of cookies, and playing on the women's rugby team. This may explain the increase in whale-like cadets.
Despite the elaborate efforts of cadets not to get caught, kitten huffing scandals have rocked the foundation of this school. Cadets have been discovered huffing in bathroom stalls, in the tunnels between the gym and the fieldhouse, over female cadets sleeping in their beds, and even on the Commandants desk (the last two being questionably forgivable). The Superintendent responded to media accusations of this rumored "mass kitten huffing epidemic" by stating, "We believe that there are more soulless kittens in our dumpsters and dustbins than in petsmarts all across the world.." The school is currently purchasing large amounts of sugary sweets, prozac, and cocaine to help ease cadets off their addictions.
The sexual assault scandal in 2003 broke the common misconception that Air Force Academy cadets could never get laid. This has been replaced with the new understanding that if a cadet wants to get laid, they need to go hunting for it with the same ferocity as “a caveman spearing a mammoth”. The accusations led to the Fowler Commission. According to the Fowler Commission report, due to poor leadership, sexual assault had become "a part of life at the Academy, much like the traditions of male-on-male fondling and acting like an egotistical parrot". At the same time, the Academy implemented programs to combat sexual assault, harassment and gender bias. The new programs actively encourage prompt sexual assault reporting, such as detailed reports being submitted to the Penthouse Forum and videos uploaded to Youtube.
New rules have been implemented to prevent sexual assaults, such as the "Please don't fuck in Vandy or Sijan" rule.
The Air Force Academy is an accredited four-year university offering Bachelor's degrees in a variety of subjects. Approximately 75 percent of the faculty are Air Force officers, most of whom who have no valuable operational experience. All graduates receive a Bachelor of Science degree, regardless of major, because of the technical content of the core requirements. For example, if a cadet would like to major in underwater basket weaving, he or she would still be required to take a several engineering and science classes. Administration officials justify this by making the case that this produces well-rounded graduates. Cadets counter-claim to this by stating, "We're so well-rounded, we're pointless."
This approach to a "classical education" makes the Air Force Academy one of the most respected schools in the nation, and hones the cheating skills of most cadets. Additionally, grading is dumbed down and cadets receive partial credit on almost everything, making it possible to never actually complete a math equation during any kind of technical course.
All cadets must compete in either intercollegiate, club or intramural athletics. The sports and physical education courses relate to survival skills (such as swimming), or to combat (such as boxing and wrestling) or to teamwork (such as public-address announcing). Other "lifetime" sports prepare the cadet for his eventual life as an ex-soldier; these include tennis and golf, often played between bouts of exchanging anecdotes of manufactured heroism. In addition, penmanship is pursued as a sport, to train cadets to fill out forms at the VA while awaiting medical treatment.
Flickerball is a service academy unique sport, with rules designed to level the performance between athletic cadets and fat-bodies, and has traditionally been a dumping ground for every football player who gets cut.
Every semester, cadets must pass a Physical Fitness Test (PFT), which includes pull-ups, standing long jump, sit-ups, push-ups and a 600 yard run. After the completion of each event, the graders subtract an automatic 10% off each score. This is all done in "Clune Arena", an athletic field house designed to achieve as solid a workout environment as the Sahara desert. PFT is the mantra of every cadet who finds himself running the 600.