United States Air Force
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“ Get off your lazy asses and go bomb those SOB terrorists!!! Oh wait, we are grilling burgers and watching cable, then closing up early for the four day weekend. Maybe later.”
“They don't really realize it, aerial dogfights are useless”
The Greatest Air Force in the World are those guys who wear ACU'S like the Army but in reality, they are actually ABU's.The Air force does way more work than them and are also smarter, faster and stronger. The Air Force is organized into Commands, Wings, Groups, Squadrons, and Flights (just to remind people that even if only a small fraction of the service is represented by pilots, the Air Force is all about planes). If at all possible they prefer to stay in the break room and watch TV for the better part of their work day. A little known fact about the US Air Force is that it was they who long, long ago created the mystical and powerful supreme Dragon Balls. The current whereabouts are most likely located inside one of the shop's jacuzzi's, being used for floaty toys.
Many nations have Air Forces. We will discuss them. But first let us clarify what an Air Force is.
What is an Air Force?
An Air Force is a force composed largely of air. So much air, in fact, that it barely qualifies as a "force". It can be speculated that the constant and "forceful" expulsion of "air" by the upper levels of command provides the etymological origin of the Air Force's name.
An air force is only classified as an Air Force if its leadership and ideas take ideas and concepts out of the air and present them as if they were concrete or factual. One manner in which an Air Force might do this is by creating mottoes for their squadrons and flights. For instance, a squadron might choose the motto "We Show The Way", despite the fact that it does nothing of the sort.they are great
Air Force troops, known as
Air personnel Airmen, Airguy, Airmattress (sorry ladies, you are called an Airman too, except in the US NAVY but since the men would prefer you to be men in that situation it makes no difference.), are highly trained in special skills, ranging from aircraft maintenance to the medical care. Unfortunately this very expensive training is often wasted because the primary responsibilities end up being sweeping, moping around, taking out trash, mopping, cleaning windows, dusting, polishing drain pipes, scrubbing toilets, cutting grass, painting rocks, and watching other Airmen urinate into bottles for drug testing.
Most of the responsibilities of Airmen consist of babysitting a computer that barely works (i.e. no speakers, unable to connect external drives or overloaded with so many profiles it takes 15+ minutes to log on) for eight hours, attempting to conceal the fact they're surfing popular social networking websites such as Facebook, Myspace and YouTube or Googling their superior officers ex-girlfriends, who have even less to do than the Airmen.
Members of the US Air Force for the most part are a bit better off in this category than the other branches. Many AF members can make it 20yrs without ever deploying, and even if they do it is only for four months. Some career fields are not as lucky some get to deploy for 6 to 12 months. If that is not bad enough, the Army does not have enough people, because who is that retarded. So many deployed Air Force personnel get to go play Army on an ILO Deployments. This is the real fun for any Air Force personnel. Many joined the Air Force because it is not a real military, if we only knew we would have to play Army. The Army is full of themselves, they have tendencies like yelling over nothing, cleaning things that don’t need to be cleaned and walking into walls. Also, if you're in the Air Force, you may be deployed to Cheyenne Mountain, where you will become part of the Stargate program, but I can't say anything more, because it is classified.
Enlisted Rank Structure
Here is how it goes. No ands, ifs or buts. Unless you are cool with the right people. (or you are a supply slut)
Airman Tier (Pee-on)
If you are E-1 through E-4, you are worthless, and have no brain, and do all the responsibilities listed above. Despite your lack of experience and low human worth (as reinforced by the NCO Tier) you are given the most important jobs in the Air Force, jobs ranging from fixing $20M aircraft, guarding the front gate of the base from terrorists (and if overseas, from VISA hunters), to being accountable for munitions build-up that could clear the entire base population with one mistake. Just remember (and you will be reminded!) that you're the low of the low who do all the work and get pissed on whenever leadership gets a chance.
Non Commissioned Officer (NCO)
If you are E-5 or E-6, It is your job to make sure the lowest ranks do their jobs and yours, or you are in trouble and it is all your fault. Once you break your troops, you sit around and play on the computer all day long and completely ignore your troops. You must spend countless hours writing elaborately falsified performance reports in whatever format your squadron leadership adopted this month. In addition your job consists of constantly reiterating the importance of the "Wingman Concept" to your subordinates while taking responsibility for their actions for which you have no control (i.e. failed room inspections, showing up late to work, DUI's, domestic violence or mouthing off to the new base commander at the shopette while he is wearing civilian clothes).
Senior Non Commissioned Officer (SNCO)
If you are E-7 through E-9, it is your job to barbecue, and figure out what to watch on cable TV or satellite TV. Sit in a chair of some kind.
Officer Rank Structure
You get paid more for doing nothing. The higher rank you are, the more your ass gets kissed.
O-1 to O-3 - You still have to kiss a lot of ass! But you think that all enlisted members should kiss yours. Tell that to a Chief! Everyone in the Air Force knows that your rank does not mean shit unless someone below you fucked up. You share something in common with the junior enlisted members. Your rank has been given to you, except for the Academy grads. They work their asses off for 4 years, only to obtain the exact same rank as all the ROTC grads and 13-week OTS wonders! (Keep in mind though, that Academy Officers are the worst of all. They have the biggest ego and think they have more power then anyone else (as they should). Only if they had a clue what to do with it!) But still, not even an E-1 will take any thing you say seriously.
O-4 to O-6 - Your ass kissing skills are great! You somehow fooled your superiors that you should gain rank. You proudly wear your rank knowing how much ass you kissed to get this, and how many people now have to kiss yours. Your supervisory skills are untouched, no one knows how to pass off work better than you. By this point you should have learned that no morale problem is so great that it cannot be corrected by cracking down on your subordinates. If morale is in the gutter, it just means your people aren't spending enough time basking in the glory of the Air Force. Try assigning them more work. If you can't find any work for them to do, have them show up and pretend to work.
O-7 to O-9 - Some moron has to be in charge of our Air Bases. Why not you! Especially since you have no skills at managing troops.
O-10 - You are the great and almighty General of absolutely nothing. You have been finally entrusted with the truth. The Air Force is a bunch of fools that like to dress up as bus drivers. We all sit in front of the computer just to look busy for the guy who out ranks us. No one is looking at you so have at it, visit MySpace with ease. Just remember what happened to Congressman Foley!
Average Work Week
The Air Force puts in long hours. They are a bunch of workaholics, determined to do what it takes to secure the nation's freedom one smoke break at a time. This is evidenced by the long hours they put in. Here is an example of the of an average work week:
- Monday, 1030-1600: Closed for lunch from 1100-1300
- Tuesday through Thursday, 0900-1700: Closed for lunch from 1100-1300; Closed for training from 1400-1700
- Friday, 0900-1400: Closed for lunch from 1030-1330
- Saturday and Sunday: Closed
These personnel also have all federal holidays off to include Halloween, St. Patrick Day, Family day, Sports day, Safety day, Change of Command/Promotion/PME Graduation ceremonies and literally any other excuse they can think of. The typical Airman can expect to work approximately 15 days between 20 December and 31 January due to the holidays and other nameless down days.
This of course excludes POL, Security Forces, Intelligence, Weather, Aircraft Maintainers, Fire Department, Aerial Port, AMMO, Nuclear Missile Technicians (MMT, EMT and FMT), Helicopter Pilots, Command Post or rather anyone with a real mission. These fortunate souls spend countless hours trying to track down other squadrons for useless information who are off playing team building exercises throughout the day. Days off are never, ever seen and many hours are spent fuming over the emails received letting them know everybody else in the Air Force has the day off, which are sent out in triplicate, just to be sure. So they just sit around talking on their cell phones, watching DVD's and getting drunk on the job waiting for the rest of the Air Force to return from their mini vacations.
Air Force Pay
Despite what a lot of people think the Air Force does get paid. They get paid substantially less than their civilian counterparts who are doing the same jobs. The Air Force says this is better because of "perks and benefits." Some of these perks include but are not limited to:
- Military Leave - You get 30 days of leave a year. Anytime you go anywhere, you must use your leave. You must even use leave on days you wouldn't have been at work anyways.
- Free Base Housing - Living in a disgusting dormitory or house that has had tons of people and families in it before you and not one of them kept it clean.
- Medical and Dental - This is provided for free. It will take 5 months to get an appointment and use it at your own risk. It's so bad you probably know someone who was hurt or disfigured by a misdiagnosis.
- Tuition Assistance - You will probably never get to use this unless you got a job like Finance or MPF that requires you never actually be at work.
- Base Exchange - Base Exchange is a store that is tax free but charges more than any civilian store. They also never stock things you want. They do however, carry 10,000 copies of movies no one ever wants.
- Commissary - This is where you can get groceries. This is also tax free however, while goods are tax free without surcharges, there is a 5% surcharge on the food you need and buy that "goes to base programs."
You're probably not reading this part because you're already speeding to the Recruiter's office asking how soon you can sign up, but keep in mind these are only some of the wonderful benefits.
The Airmans' Creed was the brain child of someone looking for an OPR/EPR bullet and was designed to foster a Warrior spirit among a branch of service that still qualifies on the M-16 when Marines and the Army are using the M-4 and are looking at the next generation of indivdual rifles.
I am an American Airman. I am a child. I will not question stupidity.
I am a stepping stone. My mission is to get the management promoted. I am annoyed by a forever changing "heritage", A tradition of backstabbing, And a legacy of yes men.
I am an American Airman, Guardian of stupidity and ignorance, My boss's b*tch and shield, His step and fetcher. I defend his dog and pony shows with my life.
I am an American Airman: Disgruntled, aggravated and tired. I will never see a common-sense AFI, I am starting to falter, And soon I may fail.
You awaken suddenly at 4:30AM by the sound of reveille being played on some far-off 1940’s era phonograph attached to a 10,000 watt P.A. Time to get up, you think as you turn off the re-run of Saved by The Bell on TBS, and make your way from the couch (which you passed out on about a half an hour ago) to your bed.
It’s difficult for you to fall asleep as you think about those poor marines in the next dormitory over who have to go to work now, but you persist and fall asleep anyway. You forget to set the alarm but it doesn’t matter… you don’t need it.
You wake up around 1 or 2, probably to the sound of your idiot pissmate’s favorite Jackopaws song, or that stupid fucking Disturbed song (where the guy makes the monkey sound at the beginning) and stumble into the shower. The water will be cold and the plug blocked with hair.
When you get out of the shower, you are suddenly hungry. Since you slept through lunch at the chow hall(the chow hall staff probably slept through lunch, also), you go to your refrigerator; there you find a moldy orange (that you took from the chow hall), a 3 month old bottle of Mountain Dew (that lost its fizz about 3 months ago), and about 13-28 bottles of Bud Light. You opt for the Mountain Dew.
The next hour of your morning is usually either spent napping (all that sleeping made you tired) or, heading over to the BX to pick up a new computer game.
As 3:00 approaches, you pick up your uniform from behind the refrigerator (where threw it on Friday afternoon), shave off that sweet goatee you had going for 2 days, get in your 2001-2004 Ford Mustang (usually red, black, sometimes orange.) and start the 38 second drive to your shop.
The Air Force is best known for drunken parties, and is the number one importer of beer in most nations which have air forces. It manages to consume it from the hours of 1600 to 0730.
The air force also has superhuman power to be able to drink beer more than any other branch...And yet they still don't beat up on army troops. We don't know why. It's suspected that it's because if they were tough guys to begin with, they probably wouldn't join the Air Force.
National Air Forces
Despite having fewer planes than the Navy, the AFUS (Air Force of the United Statesians),is the greatest Air Force in the world. The IRA (Iraqi Royal Airforce) comes in second according to George Bush. Rumor has it that Canada may also have an Air Force. This is most likely false considering it is widely known that Canada has no military.
Air Force of the Future
The Air Force of the future has decided to
take some examples steal from the other services with their new uniforms. The most current theft would be the Air Force PT gear. Even though the primary job for an Air Force member is to watch a computer all day, there's always time to play Army. When the Marines and Army got a new BDU now known as MCCUU and ACU (because acronyms are fun!), the Air Force felt left out. So they changed the color of the Army's already less useful ACU's and came up with their current fruity number and decided to throw in styling PT gear to fit their needs. These needs include walking during a mile and a half run, sports days, and barbecues.
The next phase in the Air Force of the Future will be to get rid of the BDUs. They felt a bit hurt by the Army's change so they've decided to go with their own style. Top Generals in the Air Force decided that they needed a distinctive Air Force uniform of their own, so they stole the Army's new color pattern and added blue, because the sky is blue and they are the Air Force after all. An effective camouflage pattern is not needed, because let's face it: If an Air Force member is ever so close to combat action that he has hide from the enemy, somebody fucked up big time.
But wait, there's more! You may think that during this time of massive global war, funds might be a little tight. But you'd be wrong! There's always money for half-brained attempts at changing the uniform to give the General-du-jour another impressive bullet for his OPR. The newest design for the Air Force of the future would be the Service Dress Uniform. The Air Force became a bit tired of people comparing them to civilian pilots and bus drivers when dressed up showing off their Bronze Stars that every Airman gets straight out of Basic. They needed another new uniform. They needed something to be feared, something that demands respect, something that blatanty copies one of their sister services (see: Marines) and something that inspires awe, particularly from Nazis and Star Wars fans. Thank God this idea has been nixed.
See also [Air Training Corps (N00bs)]
"The U.S. Air Force... why not?" a commonly used ad seen in posters magazines and bagel bites boxes
Other Military Forces
The Army is known for its large numbers, and constant failure to make recruiting goals, hence its slogan, "an army of one".
In the Navy is the worst, mostly because of the guys showering together. Hence the slogans "only queer at the pier" and "it's not gay if you're under way." Everybody else is lame.
The Marine Corps is known for people mispronouncing the name as kOR instead of kORps.
The Coast Guard is a bunch of beach bum/preps that didn't have money for college.
The Earthican Defense Forces is a non existent military force and is usually wiped out by Aliens,zombies,Bea Arthur etc.. it is made up entirely of That guy from Halo known to be very talkative and wear revealing armor
Gordon Freeman known to wear glasses and prefer using crow bars over the standard Katana.
Chuck Norris the father of the Air Force.