United Kingdom of Great England feat. Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Uk layout

Rough layout of the United Queendom as of 2007

The United Kingdom (technically a Queendom at the moment) is an island based political union in the northwest of the European sub-continent, separated from the European mainland by the Bering Strait. The country's name is often shortened to UK. (UH-uk)

It is one of the world's richest and most influential nations, so rich in fact that over 60% of its population cannot afford to live there. British housing is now being built from real brick, and lasting nearly 100 full earth years if the weather stays nice (which it occasionally does). According to UNICEF, the UK is the best place in the world to be a child. (The United States is the second best)[1]

The Queendom is also a member state of the European Union, although its membership is part of a Sino-American major external policy effort to ensure that nothing will survive European Union's projected collapse that will happen around 2012, according to the Threat of Amsterdam.

edit History and Formation

Prince Albert


edit Early History

Despite mythological claims of earlier civilisations, tribes, and sheep (all of whom got on together famously if the folklore is to be believed), it is widely accepted that the first modern house was founded by Columbus in 1706. At that time, many Americans were tragically killed while trying to enforce freedom and democracy upon the peoples of the Queendom (some people just never learn). Soon after that, and during the great depression (a period of drought during which it never stopped raining), job creation schemes were introduced. Alloted tasks included painting the sun yellow, and squirrels grey, although it was later agreed that most other jobs were just a waste of time. With the help of gold, John Maynard Keynes will achieve full employment any day now.

Formed in 1706 with the Magnum Car (and Act of Union which politically united the nations of Scotland, Wales, Ireland, and the other one), the United Kingdom has a proud and illustrious history of enforcing the spread of democracy, culture and language upon unsuspecting far away peoples. These practices of good will and selfless altruism still continue to this day. ("No we are winning, honestly. We're just winning in a backwards direction").

edit Welsh Accession

The creation of the United Kingdom was a gradual process, spanning three centuries, starting in 1284 during the annual Welsh "North - South Scrummage". The traditional Rugby ball shaped pigs bladder was inadvertently kicked over the border into English territory. A debate ensued, and it was decided that Jones ap Jones, of the illustrious Jones the Ball-Getter family should journey into the English lands to ask for the return of the ball.

After meeting with the Englishman "William the Total-Bastard", it was agreed that the ball would be returned only if the entire Welsh nation closed their eyes for five minutes while it was being returned.

When the Welsh people opened their eyes, they discovered that their whole country had been nicked, and that William the Total-Bastard was, in fact, a total bastard.

edit Scottish Accession

Scotland joined the Union in 1707 when a dispute arose during the bi-weekly "See how far you can throw a Haggis into England" competition.

King James the Last of Scotland threw what would have been a record breaking distance, had the haggis not have been returned straight away during the inaugural English "Throw the Haggis back at the thieving Northern Tossers" competition.

Incensed at the attitude of the Southerners, and mightily pissed off at narrowly missing out on the all-you-can-eat haggis buffet, King James the Last assembled his army and began the great invasion of England.

The reason that the Great Invasion is not mentioned in many school textbooks these days is because King James, still very much drunk after his night of revelry, actually headed North and invaded his own country, decimating the local population.

After the English had stopped laughing, they stepped over the border and captured the enemy city of Edinburgh, thus incorporating Scotland into the Union.

edit English Accession

England was officially founded in the 8th century AD, when a group of geographically challenged settlers from the Germanic state of Saxony headed "East".

The idea of a united kingdom incorporating the whole of the British Isles very much appealed to the English people. After trying and failing for many years to entice the surrounding Celtic nations to join in a great union, the English decided to resort to trickery and cunning to create their dream nation.

To bring this about, they employed the services of the great Swedish trickster "Sven Klever-Kuntson".

Although moderately successful (he managed to bring about the accession of the Welsh and Scottish, which is amazing really, considering the five hundred year time difference), he failed completely when it came to the Irish question.

This is usually attributed to the fact that no-one could understand the Irish question, as it was slurred and in a peculiar accent.

edit Modern History

After a close referendum in the year 2003 deciding not to become the 51st US State, under the name of "the United States of Great England Land featuring Scotland" the UK decided instead to make a compromise with the US and enter the Iraq War instead.

Perhaps one of the Queendom's chief exports is that of comedy (not that frequenters of this site could ever comprehend such a concept). The British (a word sometimes subdivided into two consecutive syllables - "B-ritish"), are famed for their dryness in this regard. Apart from the obvious advantage of sheltering the native inhabitant from the rain, communication by such means also guarantees a secure method of information-sharing which is incomprehensible to nosy Americans with oversized ears and bellies. The Germans called this method of communication an Enigma. The B-ritish call it sarcasm. Great B-ritish comedians such as Jim Davidson, Les Dennis and Michael Barrymore exhibit none of the above mentioned Enigmatic skills. John Prescott came closest when he subtly punched a passer by in the face on live TV.[2]

While 12 out of 10 doctors affirm that the United Kingdom is indeed the exact mathematical equivalent of Britain, in 1994 this premise was proven to be untrue (source: Scottish Journal of Scientific Proof). Currently there is controversy as to which counties and countries actually constitute the United Kingdom. The administrative "cock up at the Post Office" in 1974 didn't help. A number of contested boundary changes have also fallen into the realms of illegible legal turmoil. However, despite the similarities in tonal speech, IQ levels, and salaries, it is a generally accepted international rule that Swansea no longer holds any legal jurisdiction over India (except on Tuesdays and 6 other randomly chosen days of the week).

In the year 2007 Polish immigrants outnumber UK-born people 7 to 1, gotta love the EU!


In the UK, a fag is a cigarette, and a sailor is a homosexual.

The Only sport the English play is football..unlike Americans who play at least 4....

edit Comparison

  • Calling the United Kingdom Britain or England is almost like calling the USA Mexico; funny to everybody else but very depressing for the poor Mexicans who find themselves on the wrong side of the border. (well the Irish anyway)
  • The only thing united about the island is Manchester and even they are divided in two.
  • It must be noted that the United Kingdom is not to be confused with the Untitled Kingdom, which is a fairly common mistake.
  • It must be brought to the attention of all Star Trek fans that the United Kingdom has no connection whatsoever with the United Klingon - the worlds' longest ass-attached poo.

edit List o' Traditional Counties

The term United Kingdom covers many nations that are no-longer part of Britain, places such as:

It is important to notice the different nations that make up Britain and the United Kingdom so as not to offend the people of either state.

edit UK Indepedence

Although many think otherwise the UK is not an independent country, since during the 1970s it sold itself to the menace that is commonly known as the European Union so that residents of Kent wouldn't have to smuggle back alcohol and other illegal contrabrand from Frengland (the area of Northern France surrounding the entrance to the Channel Tunnel).

Despite this however, we didn't get completley sucked in by Europe and thus still don't get to play with toy-town money like the rest of Europe. This unique standing allows Britain to remain America's bitch and mentor whenever the chimps in the White House decide that they want to have another crack at spreading American imperialism (i.e. McDonalds) to the masses.

So far the loose morals displayed by the current government's foreign policy have narrowly averted a nuclear war between the US and the middle east (or west depending on the map) - primarily because the Americans are better at obliterating their own allies then hitting innocent Iraqis with AK47s and battered Soviet tanks. However, as China and India overtake the US in their campaign for world domination, many Britons are starting to lose confidence in the government; some consider that the country should now whore itself out by the hour to the Asian economy instead.

Of course, anyone with an iota of Independance,and of English descent, have long since left the country to live in the converted area known as Europe, mainly in France, due to the huge language problems that now exist in the Un-United Kingdom ruled by the 'Lizard People' and the Scots. Immigrants or people who do not speak the language but can manage to say 'Dole' with or without 'Please' have been flocking here for years! It is believed that over 80% of the population have no idea of where they are but are pleased to be the Landing Strip for the good 'ol U S of A', itself ruled by an alien which can be seen from his lack of command of the American English Language.

Those left, who still have a moeity of their own marbles are still amazed by the lack of any weapons of mass destruction and the 'shock and awe' pictures in Iraq. The general feeling is that even a stupid pair of governments could have at least placed some weapons of mass destruction in the fields of Iraq and then claimed that they had been found. After all these were manufactured and sold by the UK, so who could have been surprised that they were made in the United Kingdom of America.

edit National Anthem

Since reinforcing its security police, the United Kingdom has been preparing to adopt a new anthem. The new anthem is already decided on, and will be officially adopted when the program of equipping surveillance cameras with loudspeakers is complete in London.

The new National Anthem reads as following:

Unbreakable Union of Northern Ireland , Scotland and Wales
The England has welded forever to stand!
Created in struggle by will of the Police,
United and Safe our Sovereign Land!
Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
Through tempests the shadows of Safety have cheered us,
Along the new path where great Blair did lead,
Be true to the people, thus Our Queen has reared us,
Inspired us to Labour and Valourus Deed.
Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!
Our police grew up in the War of the Terror,
Liberal invaders we'll quietly strike down.
Vigilant, the fate of the future we'll settle,
Our country we'll lead to eternal renown! oh and yeah Fuck the I.R.A
Sing to our Motherland, Safe and Undying,
Bulwark of People in Security Strong!
Flag of the Britain, Flag of Surveillance,
From Freedom to Saf-e-ty leading us on!

edit Plans for the future

After expanding the closed circuit system throughout all the Great Britain, inside people's homes, installing screens and loudspeakers near the cameras and giving the police a "shoot first, have a party and if anyone remembers this a month later, ask questions" policy, the UK government decided they will adopt a single party system and change the name of the country to Airstrip one, because they want to "sex it up". Critics claim this idea isn't new, but the government had postponed it because communism unexpectedly fell and they didn't have a reason to enforce "security measures" anymore. Luckily the U.S. started this war on terror thing and now they look at the future with glee. Citizens of the U.K. currently await for what the future reserves, but are sure it will be doupleplusgood.

Bearing in mind that the few citizens left who remember food shortages or have not been killed by the National Health Service or various man made diseases such as the 'Bird Flu' now prevalent in the incestuous east, want out, oh so badly. The future will prove the reason for UK warming as the whole island is being slowly towed towards the Cuban/Floridian part of the USA and those in the know have been quietly changing their outdated currancy to US greenbacks for this very special moment when they will be received into the bossom, silicon or natural of those who had the very good fortune to leave the country in the 1700's. God Bless George Shrub!

Most of Parliament(or Jolly Fish n' Chips Council in the "English" they speak) have been wanting to nuke the French for a really, really long time, but the French say that if they do that all the french fries will be without homes. The United Kingdomians really like french fries even though they regularly call them chips.

edit References

  1. UNICEF on the UK
  2. John Prescott Holds No Punches

edit See also

Personal tools