United Church of Awesome

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~ Jesus on The United Church of Awesome

The United Church of Awesome, a little-known Martian sect of Christianity, was founded in the year 843 by Gf'qrty'tyu IVX, also kown as "Gufwald the Great" a Martian ruler, after a passing crew of Vikings visited his planet and taught him of the Earth concept known as Awesome. The Church worships Jesus Christ, famed for his comic book, action figure and movie franchise known as Christianity, and believes him to be the Earthly incarnation of Awesome itself. The Church of Awesome once dominated the entire planet of Mars, under the control of the Supreme Chief Pirate, although it did not control the moons Pheibos and Incredible Stan, which are controlled by demons and fisherman, respectively.

edit History

The United Church of Awesome dates back to the early 9th century AD, and has existed for over 2 million years since. The teachings of Awesome first reached the planet when a small fleet of space-bound vikings landed to re-fuel, on their way to conquer the universe. The vikings stayed for several months, and began to teach the simple Martian natives about their world-view, specifically the concept of Awesome. The vikings taught the Martians about the history, philosophy and practice of Awesome, and how to use it in a variety of activities, including martial arts, heavy metal and the making and serving of delicious cheeses. The Vikings taught the new Martian congregation about their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, the son of mighty Odin, and the greatest superhero of all time. The Vikings later departed Mars on their space-faring nuclear longships, setting off to convert the rest of the galaxy to the true faith of Awesome. Using the knowledge gained from the vikings, Guffy the Great proceeded to conquer the entire planet of Mars, making use of the skill, tactics, and thermo-nuclear war-heads given to him by his Norse friends. Upon conquering the planet and forming the HOLY Martian Empire, Gufwald founded the United Church of Awesome, and became it's first Supreme Chief Pirate. The Church controlled Mars until 1163, when Martian civilization was wiped out by a giant bottle of Kool Aid colliding with the planet, which caused an ice-age lasting until the year 1305, and resulted in the current red, lifeless environment that covers most of the planet today. Small, isolated Churches still exist across the Galaxy, mostly located on remote regions of Mars, but are as widespread as Alpha Centauri, Tatooine, and Birmingham, England.

edit Teachings

The Church of Awesome places greatest emphasis on the pursuit and attainment of Awesome. Their teachings mainly draw from their Holy Book "The Awesonomicon", which was written by Guffy the Great, describing his time with the viking visitors, and the knowledge he learned for them. Despite containing much useful information, the book only contains seven actual pages of text, which meant that many appendix were added by later Supreme Chief Pirates, including over 17,000 pages on the proper way to eat nachos (a particular concern of the Church). Other sources of Awesome learning included the writings of The Most Awesome Maddox (who was revered as a saint by members of the Church), early Death and Viking metal albums, particularly those of Finntroll, and the video game Contra. And sometimes i simply touch myself. Its awesome. And touching children is cool too. :)

edit Awesome

The core concept of the United Church of Awesome is that of Awesome, which the Church believes to be the ultimate goal for any and all sentient creatures. Awesome (capitalisation is important in distinguishing Awesome from mere awesome, which isn't nearly as important, impressive or shiny) is very roughly described, and appears to depend on numerous factors, primarily deadliness and manliness. Hence, Vikings, who are both deadly and manly, rank very highly, while emos, who are both puny and effeminate, are not Awesome in the slightest.

edit Further Reading

  • Guffy the Great, The Awesonomicon(847)
  • Maddox, The Alphabet of Manliness (2005)
  • Finntroll, Nattfödd (2004)

edit See Also

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