Union Street Massacre

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Polishprotest

Valium intoxicated protesters.

The Union Street Massacre remains the most problematic obstacle to International relations with the current Irish administration of Aberdeen, in the country just north of the country just east of Wales. On this day, one hundred and eighteen Polish serfs went to meet their maker, Pittodrie (from the Latin Pit Odri, maker of Poles).

edit Background

Ever since the oppressive Irish regime instigated by the O’Pharmacys was imposed on the people of Aberdeen the masses yearned for their overthrow, “Seamus the berserker” had reigned for 6 months and the indentured Poles and Scots were initially jubilant at the election of Rumpelstiltskin III in 2003 (the exact date remains a mystery for mysterious reasons of secrecy).

Tensions were increased by the introduction of a series of harsh laws designed to curb the overpopulation of the city mainly due to the subservient Poles, these became known as the “Penile laws” due to the threat of permanent impotency by the Nazi pioneered method known as constriction. As such the attempt by Rumpelstiltskin III to impose a new tax on pickled sausages exasperated the already unstable situation.

edit Events of the Day

Sheepshagginganity

Aberdeens oldest religion, Sheepshagginganity enjoys a spiritual comeback.

What began as an aggressive assault on those in power quickly turned into a peaceful protest due to the Irish response of firing darts laced with valium at the putrid Polish mob. Just as the crowd was beginning to spontaneously breakout in song, a band of ginger septuagenarian Scots who had heard of the planned Polish rebellion appeared from Market Street brandishing what initially appeared to be clubs but was later revealed to be frozen cod. Expecting to see a determined force to finally overthrow the Paddys, the sight of the 118½ strong crowd of barely lucid Poles swaying with dopey grins made the septuagenarians see red (possibly their own severely neglected manes). Due to the now well documented “red-rage” where people with red hair when coerced into a group become so distempered that they develop super-human powers of strength, the Scots began an hour-long killing spree that would leave a bloody stain on the O’Pharmacy regime.

The Irish guards, under the direction of Superintendent Seamus had by this stage injected themselves with valium upon witnessing its effects on the mob; as such they were no use in the defence of the victims. The Scots upon bludgeoning the Poles turned on themselves adding a further 11 corpses to the mangled heap of human limbs. The mess was later cleaned up using a toothbrush and a bar of soap by the remaining polish serf.

edit Aftermath

Kim Jung-il of North Korea was the first International leader to condemn the atrocity, he personally funded the task of returning the bodies to their homeland of Germany, all 118½ bodies were pickled in giant jars as all Poles are buried and flown home by Ryanair. To ease the distress of the International community the regime allowed the Aberdonians to practice their native religion which had been outlawed years earlier, Sheepshagginganity now enjoys a 100% devotion rate for all members.

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