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|Order||Fodder; Fantasy Fodder|
|Primary armament||The Royal Coat of Arms of the United Kingdom|
|Secondary armament||Greek Tragi-Comic References|
|Power supply||Biblical Power|
|Health||1 Horn Power (HP)|
|Strength||5000 metric tonnes of Bible reprints on your stupid head|
|Intelligence||All your intelligence are belong to us|
The common unicorn (Equus monoclonius) is a quadruped terrestrial horse-like animal. They are acknowledged in the magical world as "completely dead." If you cut a wild ox in half, you get a Unicorn. If you cut a unicorn in half, you get a bloody mess. All unicorns must live! (Also note, do not anger a unicorn, they may try to butthead you). Unicorns are known for their love of juicy couture. Many an attempt as been made to lure unicorns out from their hiding places using said clothing. So far, none of these attempts have been successful. They are believed to be the most manly thing in the world even more than the color Periwinkle.
Origin of the name, leading to a particularly weak pun
This function was first observed among the Italian children's choirs, especially the castrati, who respected the adage that form follows function. They named it the "Eunuch-horn." When this animal was first discovered it was widely used in such manner giving birth to a unique kind of porn. From this fact the animal was named "unic(que) (p)orn" (hehe, get it?!?!?). When Pamela Anderson was fisting herself one day, the animal walked past and she replaced her fist with it's horn and as she orgasmed she screamed "Unicorn! Unicorn!" She then walked down the road a way and let a large boy with dreadlocks fuck her against a tree.
Its name is sometimes believed to have come from the fact that all unicorns are born with one corn on their hoof, and they tend to be eunuches.
Creation of the Unicorn
The unicorn was one of the first living things on the planet(not). As you can see from the name uni-porn, it evolved around a single piece of porn. The single piece of porn then reproduced with its self creating more, but this was not not a "uniporn" but a multiporn, soon there were hundreds of these bits of porn, and they formed together to creat the UNIPORN! The unicorn was created on Thursday afternoon by God as a follow-up on the failed and woefully-inadequate Leopleurodon 4004BCE model. The standard unicorn features genuine-leather ergonomic bucket seats, hair conditioning, moon-roof, all-weather hoofs that provide superior traction on grassy surfaces, turbo concorde jet engines and affordably low monthly payments; whereas the pegasus, in comparison, just stands there stupidly and dumps huge piles of smelly horse shit. Gorgeous chicks just love guys who are savvy enough to own a Unicorn; so why not "C'mon down!" and trade in your worthless broken-down pegasus for a brand new Unicorn today at your friendly neighborhood Unicorn World? Long story short: Unicorns are far superior to Pegasi.
Unicorns are widely distributed on every continent, including Antarctica and Euthanasia. They are often seen by the millions in vast thundering herds, viciously trampling and skewering anything and everything that have the misfortune of getting in their way. Sometimes also seen at Creationism parties. The unicorn is the official national symbol of the hidden realm of Euthanasia, which has the largest population of unicorns in the world. The Euthanasian banner even has a unicorn somewhere on it. Unicorns are also found on Planet Unicorn, whom an 8 year old gay boy named Shannon wished into existence.
Individual unicorns are quite docile in temperament, and they make great pets for young children and the elderly, provided that they are continuously fed with large quantities of their favourite foods, such as bratwurst, anchovies, and live kittens. Also, it is a well-known fact that unicorns love to impale naughty children with their magical horns and suck out their intestines like so much spaghetti. They then trample upon the bodies until they are nothing but bloody corpses, thus making a prime example of them. Unicorns who have not been domesticated are glossy-eyed rape machines who will rape you with their vile horn. Stay the fuck away from them.
in the 1950's rumors spread that russia was making an army of unicorns to attack america with, the president ordered that the millitary start an army of unicorns as well, this project, called Project wonderland, failed, and was discontinued after the unicorns rebelled and killed all the trainers. later it was found that a bastard commie told this as a lie.
Uniporns LOVE to eat wheat thins! If they see a box of wheat thins, they will headbutt it, tear it apart, and eat all of its wheaty deliciousness!!! They also eat babies, especially evil babies, and are referred to as the "agressive baby-eaters", unlike the new-and-improved Leonard Cohen. These "gentle" creatures also love cheerios and chocolate milkshakes (mixed together with shark caviar and windows, for strength).
In 1903, Al Gore invented Unicorn World, a state where everything is truly possible -i.e., the one place in the universe where we dare to dream to the fullest extent. He later renamed it the Uninet. For example, In Unicorn World, many people are rich, famous and married to John Gotti (the little one, not the dead one). This is also where the great tennis players are born. It has been prophesied by the unicorns that Uninet and Euthanasia shall one day merge into one, Unitanasia, and that it shall become the one true superpower of the 4th millennium.
Attraction to virgins
It has often been said that unicorns are attracted to Max Donnelly. I mean, who isn't? In 1978, the Rand Corporation decided to finally determine the truth of that statement. Unfortunately, no virgins could be found for the study.
It is theorized by some that unicorns aren't actually attracted to virgins so much as they are particularly violent towards non-virgins. This is said to account for their low numbers, as this quality was also expressed towards members of their own species, resulting in many a "unibortion". This theory is said to tie in with the Unicorn Holocaust (see below).
Unicorn's are actually attracted to 8 year old gay boys named Shannon. The most popular names for unicorns are Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise.
Unicorn horn, commonly referred to as Uyi Nee Hoo Ne in Chinese medications, has been used in treating many disorders, but is notably used in the treatment and prevention of cases of incompetence. It also refers to a state of excitement not usually seen this side of Alpha Centauri. On an interesting note, if you polish a unicorn's horn, it squirts out magical "unicorn mayonnaise".
This "unicorn mayonnaise" is a byproduct of the unicorn's sperm. Uni's can reproduce in two different ways, the regular ordinary way with the humping, but their real favourite is ramming that sharped pointed horn up each others arses. Unicorns unleashing their unholy mayo into a receptive human female will result in the creation of Centaur.
On another interesting note, Unicorn mayonnaisse is considered quite a delicacy in Eastern Russia, where restuarant owners send teams of highly skilled "sauce collectors" out into the night to "farm" the substance from unsuspecting sleeping unicorns. A popular serving suggestion is to drizzle a little on hot dog made using bavarian cat meat. Side effects include nausea, loss of interest in life, and general self-loathing.
For thousands of years, people believed that the single horn of the unicorn offered a number of positive and medicinal effects; but what is less known is the magical power of the animal’s scat. Those brave few that own actual unicorn wastes have found themselves in the best of all possible worlds, good fortune, and dreams made real, with a rapid increase in dial tone and personal charm, all the result of a strict diet of rainbows and pure love! A rare collection of unicorn turds are keep at The Center for Fantasticalogical Studies at the Robert Joseph Bell Institute for the Advancement of the Future, in Houston, Texas.
- Please note: Under further scientific examination, the scat may be mistaken for house cat droppings coated in glitter and and little choc chips . This happens because scientists are notorious "unbelievers" and their reactionary negative energy destroys any actual magic upon close scrutiny!C'mon man, have some magic Belief! Also a delicacy in France! Magnifico!!! Wait, is that Italian?
Things Unicorns Hate
Unicorns are very angry animals. If by chance you run into one, here's what not to do or have on or near you.
- Throw-up Unicorns are known for their sensitive sense of smell and sense of aesthetics.
- Guns that's why archers are needed to put one down, any scent of gun (loaded or not) engages an aggressive hormone similar to adrenaline.
- Rape never rape a unicorn, if urgent just ask nicely, unicorns love manners
- Black Unicorns because they're different. Gay unicorns are ok though since unicorns and rainbows have always gone together well.
- Pirates because unicorns hate being copied without permission. And they really hate being made to swab the deck or walk the plank.
- any coinage minted in Denver the Denver Bronco logo has forever terrified the unicorn species
- Canadians perhaps unicorns' biggest peeve
- sudden movement common sense
You may also be interested to know that the modern day rhinoceros is said to be a descendant of the unicorn that actually existed a boring amount of time ago. Then again, you might not be interested to know that at all. You may also want to know that unicorn vagina is the most stable element in the world, and also tastes of cotton candy. But if you eat it, you will die horribly, so don't fucking don't do it.
Forgotten by Noah
The original pair of unicorns was left out in the rain by Noah in 2525 BCE. Most modern historians believe Noah was jealous at how much his wife seemed to like the unicorn Ark. However, the unicorns were able to survive by eating dead flounders. History States that half of the time they floated on a dead cows carcasses. Another theroy is that the unicorns were however brought onto the ship and eaten by lions.
In the 1930s, while attending a Nazi Camping Jamboree, a young Adolf Hitler tried to impress his comrades with stories of his amazing sexual prowess. Awed, they lauded Hitler, even declaring him to be The Uberrist Menschen In The Hizzy. This revelry was interrupted, however, by a renegade band of unicorns that came across the young campers. Enticed by their saucy virginal loins, the unicorns brutally sodomized all of the campers, with the sole exception of Hitler, who had never made it past second base anyway. Years later, when experimenting with a Ouija board, Hitler's former camping buddies taunted him mercilessly, making various lewd comments about his weinershnitzel. Enraged and embarrassed, Hitler ordered that all unicorn-kind be exterminated and made into glockenspiels. Fortunately for unicorns everywhere, the monstrous plan was indefinitely shelved in 1944, when Hitler finally found true love with his pet chihuahua, Eva Braun.
The True Story: Unicorns and Pegasi
Unicorn enthusiasts are becoming increasingly disgruntled as of late due to the growing opinion of the masses that unicorns are actually not the same thing as Pegasi. Like seriously, they are. Take for instance the coloring of said majestic beasts. Unicorns are primarily white and various shades of pink depending on rank (darker pink represents higher ranking unicorns in their delightful socitey). The pegasus is also a white creature. Clearly they are the same. Of course many skeptics will mention the solitary horn atop every unicorn's head, and the fact that it is lacking on pegasi. This doesn't matter. Also, some say if unicorns and pegaz0rz were the same then unicorns would have wings like their pega-brothers. NO. Not true. And as I have now proved beyond all reasonable doubt that both the unicorn and the pegasus are very different from marauding centaurs I will leave. Peace.
Open Letter from a Unicorn
Hi, I would just like to start off by saying that I have a very big keyboard, so I can type with my forehooves, and it's still a pain in the ass. I just read your article here, and although it was pretty funny, I gotta tell ya, we're not homosexual. Least not any of the Unicorns I know. Got nothing wrong with gays, or anything, but then if we were all homos, we'd die out and that'd be the end of the fuckin Unicorn race, wouldn't it?! Some of us are violent and kill things with our horns, but I'm not like that, and those Unicorns are rare. Given that we eat grass and fruits and paw up roots and stuff, you can pretty much damn well bank on us being sweet-tempered and gentle with the kiddies. But then, you humans are notorious homophobes, and you're even afraid of other humans! So you'll forgive me for staying the fuck away from you, unless you happen to be one of those rare, fairy-tale virgins lost in the woods and crying about your oh, so terrible life. Always pulls the heart strings. In terms of homosexuality, you should probably be more wary of George Takei and Leo DiCaprio, especially when they're together. I seen em!
Your Friendly Neighborhoof Unicorn