Unfomercials: New Shiatsu Massage Chair

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Advertising actor, speaking to audience: Hello! How's everybody doing?

Audience: Good!

Advertising actor: One of you today will WIN the new Shiatsu Massage Chair FREE!

Audience: (cheers)

Advertising actor: Okay, I'm gonna show you guys some of the chair's features.

(Actor turns to projector screen)

Unseen voice over projector: The Shiatsu Massage Chair is a new breakthrough from QuickSpa, the best way to obtain spa-style treatments at home. The chair incudes:

  • A rolling ball massage design, with comfort spikes made of metal for the ultimate in relaxation and comfort.
  • Unadjustable seat, with a 90 degree angle, to relax the back and seethe soothe the muscles.
  • Soothing heat, of 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit to add to the comforting experience.
  • Did we mention that the chair is in no way lethal?

    Isn't it beautiful, folks? and only for $7,999.999! Comes with free "How to Care For Your Hernia" manual.

Advertising actor: Wow! looks amazing, huh? I'd have to say it's the best deal since Euroipods!


Person in front row of audience: Excuse me?

Advertising actor: Huh?

Person in front row: Correct me if I'm wrong, but the chair looks like a total pile of crap.


Advertising actor: You're wrong. I'll have to correct you.

Unseen voice: Okay, it's time for the raffle drawing! The winner will receive the New Shiatsu Massage Chair FREE!

(Advertising actor walks over to raffle box)

Advertising actor: And the winner is... Charlie Benson!

Charlie: What?

Advertising actor: Hooray for Charlie, everybody!

Charlie: WHAT? I have to take that pile of dog shit home?

Advertising actor: Yes, you do. As for the rest of you, you can buy it for $7,999.999 at your local Bed, Bath & Beyond!

how could you get mad? You just won this!

(Confused and angry Charlie chucks tomato at advertising actor, followed by the rest of the audience)

Advertising actor: No! Stop! It isn't pleasant when you throw those tomatoes at me! Stop! STOP! Not the pants! I keep my lunch in there!

(Advertising actor runs out of auditorium, followed by mobbing audience)

(Meanwhile, a medical team in Kansas was making an important discovery...)

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