Given the unanimous absence of the three judges, versus showing up and declaring one of the two completed articles the winner and the other the loser, they are both declared winners and remanded directly to mainspace and to your vote on whether to feature them on the main page!
Somewhere on the Internet
Physical location unknown (give us time)
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for your interest in Uncycloversity. After reviewing your application, and weighing your qualifications against those of many other qualified applicants, we regret to inform you that you, as a human being, have No Redeeming Value and are such a complete idiot that you can't even get accepted into a fake "university" that runs on a website (in Florida, of all places) that anyone in the world with an Internet connection can edit to their heart's content without even identifying who they are! Congratulations!
While we sincerely wish you all the best of luck in your quest to educate yourself to the point at which your intelligence rivals that of a typical cabbage, we even more sincerely wish that you'll simply go away and leave us alone.
This might also be a good time to remind you that your $1,000 application fee is non-refundable.