I am the worst Uncyclopedian. I can prove it. Look at my contribution history and my edits. Now, take a random user and check out their edits. The quality of their edits will be much higher than mine. I will refund you all your money if this is not true. I call it the worst value guarantee. If you find any user with worse edits than mine, I'll clean your kitchen for a week. I am so bad it's legend on this website. People talk about it in the back rooms.
If you haven't yet figured out, there is a lot that happens here behind the scenes. Writers actually write more stuff on pages you may not know about. Strange why they write funny things there and less funny things on actual articles. It's best not to read any of that stuff behind the scenes any ways. My skin starts to break out and create crators in my face when I read it.
People talked about my articles on those pages. They guessed that I wrote bad on purpose. In fact that's what's behind the whole story of how I became a failed politician. Its the story of me and my laptop that I got at the second hand shop when I traded in my electric guitar. I was really bad at the guitar. It made peoples ears bleed.
It is as though what I write is so bad that people think I couldn't have meant it to be so bad. Somehow that is ironic. I don't find that funny. People here on the website did think that was funny. But I was actually really bad. A kind of bad that had its own smell.
My edits are so bad, that it could make an article become deletable even when I only made a minor edit. I made a change to one of the most famous writers of Uncyclopedia´s articles and the article immediately became garbage. It was just a spelling mistake correction, but instead, I made the word be spelled worse. The whole article became bad. I think it even could have destroyed the original authors reputation. The article became so bad that he was banned for a couple weeks. I feel awful about it. I miss him.
I didn't learn my lesson because I destroyed another persons article the next day. And the result: people laughed. They turned the whole mistake into some inside joke. They called me a genius, but I don't like that. I didn't mean to be a genius. There is nothing funny about spelling mistakes.
Suddenly all the bad articles I wrote started being featured on the front page. Users actually voted for me. And then people made parodies of my articles and they were featured on the front page. It was really strange and I think people on this website are bizarre human beings.
I wrote an article. It was really bad. It was about my chemistry teacher, who I don't like. I mean, he's an okay dude and I don't want him dead or anything, but he wears stupid tight sweaters, he never puts on deodorant and he always talks about his wife. We don't think he has a wife. In fact, we are pretty sure about it. To not be just trite (I think trite means repeating jokes too much) I didn't say that he was a stupid face retardo, even though that's what I think he is. I didn't call him a homo-face at all, because who cares really. And then some people took the article I wrote and made it better. They changed everything but left all of the really bad parts I wrote. This made me angry, cause I wanted to write the article a little bit myself with time. No matter how hard I tried I could never get the articles more good.
They took over the one about my teacher and made it good. People said before it was just a stupid vanity article and that now it was a vanity satire. Even today, I don't know what this means really. I called the teacher a cottage-cheese dumpster. After a week, I thought I shouldn't keep that in there, cause it was really mean. I should be more subtler. But the article was featured on the front page. And I was voted the greatest uncyclopedian of all time even though all I did was write really bad.
I wanted to write just one goodarticle myself. Then maybe I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell my friends I use this website. I never told anyone about this because if they knew I used Uncyclopedia they wouldn't let me sit with them at lunch time.
I suggested a bad article be deleted. I should say "huffed" because on uncyclopedia articles are huffed and not deleted. I don't see the difference but they say there is one. What they say is, a huffed article is removed from sight but that the article exists. That makes my head hurt, how can something you can't see exist still? If you delete it, then it is gone. People thought I was making an ironic joke, but I was serious. The more I asked the more they laughed. What's wrong with people?
The other admins asked me what I thought I should do with problems on this website. I didn't know what to say, so I always said we should do nothing. Some admins said I was wise. I didn't know what was happening. I just wanted to write articles. Other admins wanted me to do things and delete things and ban people. It felt terrible. I wanted to make good articles and so I did nothing. And so they oped me and gave me even more powers. I don't understand why they would do that. I still do not know what an oped user does.
I wanted to learn how to write good. People made interpretations of my articles. I wrote an article about my new $700 mountain bike and people said it was about the "new economy", and that my article about Ben Stiller was really about power structures and "ironic development". This hurts my head a lot.
I was then popular and millions of people read my articles and they asked me to become president of the United States of America. My agent said I should run. I didn't even know I had an agent, he just came to my door. I just wanted to write good articles, not talk to people and do interviews. I answered peoples questions by just saying almost nothing. This made people really happy and they went crazy and I won the election by taking 47 states. I don't know if 47 states is good but a lot of people went crazy that night. That made me happy.
edit Getting good
I read books about writing and tecniques. I tried to make things deep. I didn't want to write about my teacher, but instead about why many people in America have no money and other people have a lot. That is hard to make funny. I tried. People were confused. They didn't understand it and I got a bad reputation. They said I was being astute and condescending. Those are big words no one should use. I'm not a astute. How can anyone be a word that they don't understand?
edit My ex-ex-ex-girlfriend Tiffany
One day my ex-ex-ex-girlfriend came to the white house. She was very friendly to me. My advisers told me I should stop writing on that stupid lame website that no one reads anymore and make a family. I had sex with my ex-ex-ex-girlfriend in the presidential bed. I had never had sex before so maybe its better to have sex on planes like my friends say, but it was really nice to have sex anywhere. My ex-ex-ex didn't let me touch her when we were going out in high school so it was amazing that she then wanted me to touch her so deeply. We cuddled all night. She left very fast in the morning. I didn't hear form her any more even though holding her in bed that night was a really nice night and also the sex with her too.
People become angry with my new writing and my new decisions. I tried to give people with no money some money and I suggested that lots of people try having sex cause its nice. My advisors told me both were bad ideas and people became angry with me.
A few months later my ex-ex-ex-girlfriend showed she was pregnant with my baby out of marriage and people got really super pissed. I wrote a funny article about it on Uncyclopedia. I was then impeached and had to move back home with my parents.
edit Slam Poetry
I destroyed my computer so I could never write articles again. I then was told you can write from any computer on the same account and that I should have kept my laptop. I didn't understand what they meant. I had my username and password on the other computer and I asked them how I could log on with another computer. People laughed and thought I was joking. People are always confusing me.
I went with a friend to a poetry slam night. People were good and I wanted to get good at busting rhymes. I tried it. What I did was bad, but I think I can get better and people laugh at the mistakes I make and they keep inviting me and telling me to come because they said I'm really ironic. I am never ironic, but I have a CD out now and I'm getting pretty popular. They are going to fly me to New York tomorrow. I am reading books about poetry slam and I am thinking I should use my poetry slam for good. My advisers told me this is a bad idea but I just want to get good.