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Friday, January 20, 2017, 14:01:59 (UTC)

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MARINELLO, Italy -- A hair dryer designed by Ferrari is turbo-boosting prospective petrol-headshauteur by bringing “the essence of Formula One” to their Chantilly dressing tables.

Babyliss and Ferrari have joined G-forces to create a new era in professional styling. It is the hottest thing since Maybeline’s “duel-fuel” car and bollock wax. Full story»

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CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- NASA is planning a mission to Psyche, orbiting between Mars and Jupiter, which is made up of iron, nickel and gold.

The iron alone, worth $10,000 quadrillion, would cause the economy to promptly collapse altogether, as the spot price of the shiny stuff would plunge down the number line into negative numbers. Full story»

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LONDON -- Prime Minister Theresa May has launched her “Global Britain” campaign, by firing a space rocket towards the centre of the galaxy, as part of a potential trade deal with aliens from outer space, so as not to have to take aliens into the UK.

The campaign is turning to the Wolf-Rayet Cluster in Sagittarius A, where the pound has been rallying against the Ascellian Zeuro. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Several groups are jumping the gun at Donald Trump's vow to "drain the swamp" by pulling the plug themselves. The federal union announced 30% job cuts, stating that the right-wing threat to the ability of workers to join unions is best addressed by ceasing to ask them to.

Then the Clinton Family Foundation announced that "heads would roll," ending an internal debate on whether it was worse optics to fire staff or to fail to do so. Full story»

The President — who assured an anxious nation that it would not matter that Congress had rejected his signature initiatives, because "I have a pen and a phone" — no longer has an Obama-phone. He might not have an Obama-pen, either.

Callers do not reach eager young interns but instead get a recorded message. It assures them "your comment is important to the President." Whatever it was. Full story»

NEW YORK CITY -- Michelle Obama was left teary-eyed after Stevie Wonder revealed a steamy affair with the outgoing First Lady. "I love you Michelle," the music legend crooned.

Clearly, somebody was going to be in serious trouble for not telling Wonder he was on television. Full story»

Ali Baba
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump met with Ali Baba, an Arabian woodcutter, who promised to bring one million "e-commerce" jobs to America.

Mr. Baba said farmers and clothing makers could tap e-shoppers from China, from out-of-the-way places like Indiana, which used to produce air conditioners. Each American company would have to add one employee each to fill out new federal export forms, resulting in the national total of one million. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights January 20

Joy Hour Religion
TBN 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Up and coming pastors ask for financial support in exchange for joy.

British Farce British Farce
BBC America 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Some generically named, impossible to understand British farce.

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Quinn takes a hilarious look at the double-slit experiment through silly song and dance.

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