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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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Sunday, August 30, 2015, 03:33:59 (UTC)

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EdScheming
NEWCASTLE -- Labour have delayed the election of their leadership due to an absence of a key member of staff — and a signal failure at Clapham Junction. Jeremy Corbyn has taken an unexpected trip to Israel to serve as self-declared common-sense peace envoy to the World.

The Party will hold off the leadership election campaign until the peace negotiations have ended, or until after Corbyn has died (even of natural causes, if it takes that). Full story»


Panda eats bamboo
BEIJING, China -- Famed for its voracious diet of bamboo and fighting evil snow leopards, the precious giant panda now carries the title of another one of Mother Nature's little birth defects.

"It eats what it's not supposed to," says a local hipster, "because — irony." Full story»

Megyn Kelly
UnNews Logo Potato1BIMBO ERUPTION
NEW YORK CITY -- Zillionaire casino magnate Donald Trump has tweeted that his Fox News adversary, info-babe Megyn Kelly, is a "bimbo."

In its ongoing goal of giving newspeople equal treatment with newsmakers, UnNews interviewed Ms. Kelly to give her the chance to refute the credible allegation that she is mere eye-candy for horny couch potatoes. Full story»


Oshkosh overalls
OSHKOSH, Wisconsin -- Oshkosh Corp. has won a U.S. Army contract for Joint Light Tactical Vehicles, beating out both Lockheed Martin and Cheney-Halliburton.

Pentagon officials selected a baby clothing company over competing bids from experienced military vehicle competitors because of the prototype's colorful rattles, squeaky toys, and mobiles with chimes — certainly not based on the company's responses to intrusive IRS questionnaires, nor campaign contributions. Full story»

ChilcotInquiryHole
CAMBRIDGE, UK -- Professor Stephen Hawking and colleagues say the information on the Iraq War needed to complete the Chilcot Inquiry is located within black holes at the centre of the galaxy.

David Cameron expressed his frustration at the lack of progress towards warp drive technology that would let officials reach the information in the black holes. Full story»


Hamburger
HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Burger King has proposed to McDonald's to collaborate for one day.

Burger King made the appeal by having its public-relations firm tweet it out to the entire world, just in case McDonald's public-relations firm were watching. Americans could support a worthy cause by simply overeating, while two corporate titans could burnish their reputations without doing anything real. Full story»

Baalshemin
PALMYRA, Syria -- ISIS militants have dynamited the archaeological ruins of Baalshemin. The ancient Pagan god Baal (pictured, second from left) was honored for nearly two millennia here at "The Baalpark."

Britain-based Syrian Observatory for Human Rights condemned the attack. "Gang-rapes and burning people alive, perhaps. But they should leave historical relics. These were on the World Heritage List, after all." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights August 30


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ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

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People who read the TV Highlights section.
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Stupid narcissist.

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