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Thursday, July 31, 2014, 23:17 (UTC)
Birmingham niggers logo 3
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On the heels of the deal struck between the Washington Times and the football Redskins, UnNews announced a marketing partnership with baseball's Birmingham Niggers.

The pariah franchise, founded in 1898 by Nathan Bedford Forrest, craves good publicity, as the legacy press censors the club's PR. UnNews will provide coverage including a Niggers Weekend Game Guide — a unique editorial challenge, as opponents have refused to play against the club for decades. Full story»


Pope Francis behind Plexiglas
VATICAN CITY -- Pope Francis gave a guarantee that 2% of priests are pedophiles, adding several other facts that were immediately denied by the Vatican hierarchy.

However, the Holy Father was unable to guarantee that the number of priests who are homosexual, have bad breath, or are boring orators matched the occurrence of those types in the general population. Full story»

Exocet-mil
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) The FAA has announced that it will allow commercial flights to resume landing in Austin, Texas.

Governor Rick Perry complained that the ban on flights to Austin was as nonsensical as banning flights to Tel Aviv. But Obama said that Perry's call-out of National Guard troops to the Mexican border could turn Austin into a war zone. Full story»


EricPicklesSqueeze
WESTMINSTER, UK -- Prime Minister David Cameron announced the annual charity Musical Chairs event in Parliament. Ed Miliband, who chairs the Committee on Table Manners, will further entertain the Commons by eating two bacon sandwiches during the competition.

But ministers who take a tumble, squeezing past Eric Pickles in the narrow aisles, could find themselves injured and unable to hold their cabinet position in the final year. Full story»

Joe-biden
NASHVILLE, Tennessee -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Vice President Joe Biden called on the governors of the U.S. states to "lead the nation out of this mess we're in."

Not only is it unclear which mess Mr. Biden meant, but Mr. Biden's boss was responsible for leading the nation out of any mess, as well as probably for getting it into the mess, though he was busy shooting pool with Colorado governor John Fluffernutter. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights July 31


Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
The Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

Viewers in the United States can receive these broadcasts by notifying their local cable provider that they would like the Highbrow Package, which includes all these channels plus several in Hindi and complete coverage of Smackdown Wrestling.

Viewers in the UK might try contacting their local BT network for an upgrade from only receiving two channels to receiving three and all in colour.

Viewers in Australia or New Zealand might want to turn their TVs upside down (right way up) so that they can receive the signal.

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