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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 12:18:59 (UTC)

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REYKJAVIK, Iceland -- The government of Iceland may go to court to defend their country’s name against Iceland.

The British purveyor of frozen treats has a greater population and more buildings than its Scandinavian namesake. The nation was controlled by Icelandic retail conglomerate Baugur before being becoming snowed under with debt. The same thing happened to the retailer. Full story»

East Cleveland
EAST CLEVELAND, Ohio -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) East Cleveland is in talks to be annexed by its larger neighbor, as East Cleveland has ceased providing any municipal services at all, while Cleveland merely does them poorly.

Resident Robert Occhionero, as he was digging a trench in Second Avenue to lay a new sewer line, said only five firefighters turned up for a recent house fire, and their vehicle, labeled "Animal Control," had neither a ladder nor something to squirt with. Full story»

Jupiter from Europa
CAPE CARNIVAL, Florida -- NASA is set to announce signs of intelligent life in Europe, with a television special on "surprising evidence of a subsurface ocean" in Europe.

The American space agency has sent jillions of dollars sending a space probe to Europe to find the answers to life's most vexing questions, such as whether Saddam Hussein really had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Full story»

NEW YORK -- The FBI released the picture of a cook wanted for questioning in Saturday's bombing here.

An unexploded pressure cooker was found simmering a few blocks away later that night. Officials described both as deliberate acts utilizing culinary equipment, but stopped short of garnishing their statement with a theory on motive until more evidence is sampled — preferably with a spoon, a bowl and a warm crusty bread roll. Full story»

PRESTON, England -- Another young entrepreneur has joined the commercial spaceflight sector. Mrs Wong, the CEO of The Garden Dragon Takeaway in Plunginton Road here, aims to provide chips and curry sauce to fare-paying dot-com millionaires and overachieving scientists.

The “Customer Module” of The Garden Dragon Takeaway was launched the Gobi Desert Thursday night. A 12” Phillips portable cathode ray television from 1986 will broadcast repeats of Takeshi’s Castle for customers. Full story»

SpaceX explosion
CAPE CARNAGE, Florida -- The owner of the payload burnt to a crisp when a SpaceX rocket exploded last week has demanded compensation.

As the company was fueling its rocket as part of a routine test firing, the attendant ignored company policy to put out his cigarette while operating the nozzle. Although the result (pictured) was as impressive as a rocket launch, it was not a rocket launch, and the payload, the Ersatz space probe, was a total loss. Full story»

Hillary defiant
UnNews Logo Potato1MAJOR PARTIES
NEW YORK -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Hillary's apparent stumble and collapse after heat exhaustion on a mild afternoon was a one-off event. The campaign explained that she was a victim of dehydration, as she doggedly refuses to take a sip of Perrier until all the nation's crises are completely solved.

Also, it was a rare form of bacterial pneumonia that is not contagious, meaning that neither Hillary's granddaughter nor an 11-year-old schoolgirl who gave a scripted hug to one of Ms. Clinton's cankles, are at risk. Full story»

What is Aleppo?
UnNews Logo Potato1MINOR PARTIES
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Hopes of United States voters to have some alternative to Trump and Clinton were dashed last week by dual own-goals.

Libertarian Gary Johnson made a disastrous choice to go on MSNBC, where he was asked the trick question, "Sooo...What about Aleppo?" Meanwhile, the Greens' Jill Stein spray-painted a bulldozer and faces arrest if she returns to North Dakota — only, who would? Full story»

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TV Highlights September 27

Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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