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We distort, you deride
Tuesday, September 2, 2014, 21:26 (UTC)
HOLUHRAUN, Iceland -- Iceland's newest volcano has only been erupting for days, but Icelanders are already seeking a name that will frustrate foreigners who try to pronounce it.

In a sample of twenty people on Laugarvegur, thirteen "totally mangled" it, while one accidentally summoned Surtr, guardian of the fiery realm of Múspell. Full story»

Mississippi River
ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST PARISH, Louisiana -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Officials assured citizens that there is no reason to worry about the discovery of brain-eating amoebas in the water supply of 12,577 people.

A Health Officer said the water is drinkable: "When water goes 'down the hatch,' it is headed away from the brain." But joking while drinking tap water might send it up the nose and straight toward the brain. Full story»

News - Smokey
ALEPPO PROVINCE, Syria -- An ISIS battalion codenamed الجبن المجيد “Glorious Cheese” has shot itself to death following a routine execution.

Only one ISIS militant remained standing when it was all over, and he turned himself into Syrian authorities as a seditionist requesting to be conscripted within the Syrian Army. Full story»

ST.LOUIS, Missouri -- Michael Sam, who earlier this year was the first openly gay athlete to be drafted by an NFL team, has now become the first openly gay athlete to be cut by an NFL team.

ESPN cameras recorded him breaking down in tears and being consoled by his boyfriend after getting the pink slip in his locker from "Rams" coach Jeff Fisher. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama made the astonishing declaration that "we don't have a strategy yet" regarding Syria.

In response, Time put him on the cover as the "Person, Thing, or Abstraction of the Year" and Norway teed up a second Nobel Peace Prize. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 2

Nerds Get Girls Fantasy
SciFi 4:00 PM EDT/3:00 CDT
High School Science geeks get laid. Really.

Right Behind You Paranoia
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
They're RIGHT there . . no, DON'T look. Just be cool, man. Be cool.

Our Racist Cousin Comedy
FOX 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Lou has a row with a local grocer.

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