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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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Monday, May 22, 2017, 17:40:59 (UTC)

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NRL coke
SYDNEY, Australia -- Following the cocaine scandal that rocked Australian rugby clubs over the last two weeks, Colombian cartels have started petitioning for a ban on the sport, saying that it is no longer worth the bad press.

Rugby league players are anything but discreet. However, cocaine traffickers and growers finally had enough, calling on Australian authorities to ban the sport saying that "cricket is better anyway". Full story»

Kim visiting Greece
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- Tourism here is "booming" and as a result, North Korea will soon conquer America without a single nuclear-tipped ballistic missile.

The government stated, "The amazing Democratic People's Republic of Korea has recorded outstanding and superb amounts of visitors to its radiant city of Pyongyang this year." The release was not contradicted, as few have ever set foot here, for fear of being abducted by one of the covert smiley mannequins who quietly patrol the secretive city. Full story»

Fingers on keyboard
INTERPOL, Poland -- European Cybercrime Centre states that an unprecedented ransom-ware attack on the world's computers will get worse as users log on, Monday morning. Unless they cannot. The extortion was "beyond anything we have seen before," presumably why the giant agency could neither predict the attack nor predict what will happen on Monday.

Europol spokesman Jan Op Gen Oorth said it was too early to say who is behind the ransom onslaught and what their motivation was. However, ransom ranks right up there. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Donald Trump intends to combine his current job of U.S. President with that of Director of the FBI, following the dismissal of James Comey.

In between a busy day on Twitter and planning his next weekend at Mar-a-Lago, Trump said he came to that decision because Comey had refused to accept his word that the "Russian business was fake news" and that the FBI Director should instead charge Hillary Clinton for continuing her "sour grapes campaign" against Trump. Full story»

Big Bang
VATICAN CITY -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) The Catholic Church, in a big break with Catholicism, has embraced the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe, and will host a cosmic confab at the Vatican Observatory to finesse it with the notion of Intelligent Design.

The Observatory was opened in MDCCCLXXXXI to dispel the unfortunate notion that the Church was anti-science, which had stubbornly persisted ever since the heresy trial of Galileo four hundred years ago. It conducts legitimate science, both verifying the celestial position of nearby planets and counting the pimples on the Man in the Moon. Full story»

Diane Abbott
LONDON, UK -- Labour shadow home secretary Diane Abbott stated that Jeremy Corbyn's vow to employ 10,000 extra police officers would cost the taxpayer a mere £300,000.

Combined with Mr Corbyn's other notorious vow, a new, nationwide Real Living Wage of £10.00 per hour, Mrs Abbott's cost figure means the new security costs just £30 per police officer, or 1.5p per hour — a level of frugality no Tory could approach. Full story»

Tim Farron Spliff
London, UK -- Liberal Democrats' leader Tim Farron has pledged to legalise cannabis and sell it through publicly funded, 'sixties-style drug dens. "Every ounce of cannabis sold will go towards helping the mentally ill of our country."

However, ex-Labour MP Lord Kinnock wasn't impressed: "Are they suggesting that legalising drugs will solve the health issues? If so, why bother taxing them in the first place? In fact, how do you tax drugs that aren't even sold but grown at home? Farron must have smoked the first batch himself!" Full story»

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TV Highlights May 22

Joy Hour Religion
TBN 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Up and coming pastors ask for financial support in exchange for joy.

British Farce British Farce
BBC America 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Some generically named, impossible to understand British farce.

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Quinn takes a hilarious look at the double-slit experiment through silly song and dance.

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