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Wednesday, August 24, 2016, 12:11:59 (UTC)

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DETROIT, Michigan -- Ford Motor Company has modified its self-driving-car project to concede that more than half the world's drivers will want a dashboard switch with which to set the self-driving car to emulate a woman driver.

Artificial intelligence will let it quickly decelerate from 70 mph to about 5 mph whenever there is an accident on the other side of an expressway, and the chance to catch a glimpse of limbless bodies and spurting blood, plus a special Attack Mode enabled when competing for empty parking spaces near malls. Full story»

John Hinckley
WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) John Hinckley, the man who tried to shoot Ronald Reagan, was spotted by the Daily Mail outside a Subway store near here.

The 61-year-old was freed from Mount St. Elsewhere on August 5 with no conditions on his release except that he have no contact with the Reagan family — which is unusually difficult, these days, in any case — but not barred from contact with fast food, despite the nation's "Let's Move" campaign. Full story»

PATUXET, Oranjeboom -- Angry townspeople are demanding that the Chief deport the religious extremists who talk about religious purity.

Tensions have been building ever since they arrived uninvited. Now their presence has lent strength to a campaign to replace the Chief with a new Big Chief Orange. Full story»

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Hamburger-restaurant bosses will now have to punch time-clocks. President Obama has doubled the pay level where employees are guaranteed time-and-a-half for work over 40 hours.

One executive says he will simply convert their current salaries into an hourly rate, assuming they continue working 55 hours per week. Should they cut back to 40 hours, there are still many fine living arrangements for them, such as at Kampgrounds Of America. Full story»

Philip Hammond
LONDON -- British finance minister Philip Hammond reassured Britons that the UK will step in to provide a full measure of bureaucratic idiocy every bit as nonsensical as the EU used to provide.

It will cost £4.5 billion to replicate the EU's Byzantine permitting processes and subsidies, but the government will find the cash — though not out of the payments to Brussels, for which Britain remains on the hook. Given that the UK paid £13 billion to the EU last year to achieve that £4.5 billion, the new total cost is £17.5 billion. Full story»

Hillary conquers the stairs
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hillary Clinton's brain "short-circuited" near the Capitol over the weekend. This has been a problem well before the current era of drone warfare, as it has always been a problem inducing Americans of sound mind to run for President.

The short-circuit led her to use the term "truthful" when she meant merely to say that her lies had been consistent. Another "glitch" made her promise to raise taxes on the middle class, when the source code indicated she meant the exact opposite. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

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