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Where man always bites dog
Saturday, April 18, 2015, 21:32 (UTC)
UnNews provides rosette-to-rosette coverage of the upcoming British general election. On 7 May, Brits are to elect 650 MPs (Military Police) with a view to making one of several really silly people the face of the nation (pending the ceremonial wink from Her Majesty). Full story»
Never bring a spear to a gunfight
UnNews Logo Potato1HIGH FINANCE
ATHENS, Greece -- Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has smashed the cookie jar at the House of Parliament here. The few remaining euros inside will pay salaries, pensions, and free electricity for Greeks who "can't find a job" that offers better terms than getting free electricity.

The move means that a last-last-ditch deal with Greece's creditors will be vital in order to pay €1 billion to its other creditors. Full story»

WHITEHALL, England -- The UK has declared an official “state of apathy” and is on communication lockdown. The press release states that the 2015 election campaign has driven the population of the United Kingdom to not give a toss about anything until further notice.

The release advises international businesses to avoid calling the UK, as they will be left on hold until the exchange crashes, or whatever. Full story»

Cocaine haul
SAN DIEGO, California -- The U.S. Coast Guard cutter Boutwell, carrying more than 14 tons of cocaine, returned to Snow Station Zebra after an operation off the coast of Central and South America. Vice Admiral Charles Michel described the result as "some of the best shit I've ever tried."

The haul is destined for baseball ballparks across the nation. New rules to speed up the game force batters to remain in their "box." To encourage this, the white lines have been completely reformulated for the new season. Full story»

DACRON, Ohio -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton turned up at a Chipotle restaurant here in sunglasses and a fake nose-and-mustache Halloween costume she had used in an incognito trip to the Middle East to avoid adding its results to her massive list of "accomplishments."

Chipotle manager Max Tenochtitlán was amazed that the candidate made no attempt to greet his other unwilling customers. She also avoided the tip jar, saying, "I'm not thirsty." Full story»

CHAPPAQUA, New York -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Hillary Clinton may have declared her candidacy for President by posting a video to Facebook.

Unfortunately, the video is gone, as the entire Facebook page has been deleted by campaign staffers, based on a keyword search, without reading the page. Moreover, the entire server has been wiped clean — and is missing, to boot — so it is impossible to tell what Hillary actually wrote, as she has already started claiming she doesn't remember. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights April 18

Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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