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DavidCameronSwat1
LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced extensive measures to fight 'swarms of illegal ants' trying to enter the country and blocking the French port of Calais.

Cameron says the 'fight' against the large ants — of type 'migr' — will be equal to anything the country had faced in 1940 when Hitler had conquered Europe. Full story»

Grads
DURHAM, New Hampshire -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Experts in the United States have published the annual revision of the list of words it is offensive to utter.

Educators compiled 50 terms dealing with class, ethnicity, disability, and sodomy that it would be unacceptably painful for anyone to hear, especially if anyone had completed university orientation. Full story»


Sewel
WESTMINSTER, London -- Lord Sewel insisted that video footage allegedly showing the Peer snorting cocaine off two prostitute's chests was merely a misinterpreted "family video."

Sewel added that, despite these accusations, he has no intention of quitting his position as arbiter of standards and conduct in the House of Lords. Full story»

Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, D.C -- The U.S. Senate met in a rare Sunday session so that both political parties could show they had not grown rusty at hypocrisy.

The occasion was the highway spending bill, on which both parties were allowed amendments. Republicans got to vote to repeal Obama-care, as it had been weeks since such a vote. Like the previous four dozen votes, it had no actual effect. Democrats, for their part, revived the Export-Import Bank — then resumed bashing the rich. Full story»


Martin O'Malley
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Both U.S. political parties are racing to get a handle on an annoying spate of candidates speaking plainly.

The issue came to a head as Democrat Martin O'Malley improvised at a #BlackLivesMatter rally, declaring that "white lives matter." However, the Republican Party is also in turmoil, as Donald Trump said Mexicans who violate U.S. immigration law might not have the nation's best interests at heart. Full story»

Ant cartoon
NEW YORK CITY -- The Superhero world is in deep shock this morning as one of the planet’s very first — but until recently, mostly unknown — superhero Ant-Man was tragically burned to death by a 500°C. heat ray of focused energy directly from the sun yesterday.

On the verge of being the first superhero from the formicate insect family to become a household name, Ant-Man stood no chance as seven-year-old Zach Thompson incinerated the compact crime-fighter with a magnifying glass as he was transiting a garden patio in a Brooklyn suburb. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights July 31


Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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