Uncyclopedia Needs More Snakes

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Sewer Snake Manhole

See this? This is a heartwarming scene - if only Uncyclopedia had more of these.

Hissss... hissss.. hthhhk!

Oh, hello there. I'm Snakey [1] I'm a snake, if you haven't guessed. My job is to sit around here, in my glass tank, looking at humans. It takes real talent to do this - I have to glance at you people every so often, and if I neglect my duty that damn woman who feeds me might flick the glass on my cage and say "why isn't he doing anything?" - and it's loud! It scares me. I also have to flick my tongue to make them laugh, and occasionally I slide up the side of the cage slightly, then fall back down. It's a tough job, I tell ya.

So you can imagine how I feel when they finally go to sleep and leave me to my own devices, in the dark, in my glass cage. I go back into my unconvincing fake castle and log onto my computer. Using my secret method, I can type and use the mouse. I'm not telling you how, though. It's a secret. Anyway, I get on Uncyclopedia and start hitting the dream button. Many articles on obvious subjects, like penises, vaginas and poopies; yet I find there to be a lack of articles on snakes. Oh, sure, there's the occasional nod to the immature trouser snake joke, but that's nothing more than a bad pickup line, really. Mind you, there are quite a few articles on the snake disambiguation, most of them being terrible, but the Snakes On A Plane article wasn't that unbearable.

But I implore you, Uncyclopedia, please write more snake-oriented articles! We snakes enjoy a good discussion of phallic aviation, and occasionally discuss music too. I talk to my fellow snakes over Omegle. There's another interesting fact: asl is the snake speak for hello, but it's often misconstrued by humans who are so selfish that they try to claim our words as abbreviations. Next time somebody says asl to you on Omegle, why not respond with a 16 m us, hbu sxy? That's a friendly response in snake language. Maybe you could make a snake speak article! That'd be awesome.

3 weeks later - no response from Uncyclopedia

I noticed you mention kittens often - why? What do kittens have that I don't, except charm, cuteness and fur? I'm cold-blooded. I'm a cold, hard, wet, sloppy creature and if you don't do what I say I'll slap you to death with my entire body. What are you gonna do, hang me? I'm all neck! Ha, ha ha. No, but seriously though. You can't chop me in half, because I'll grow back - at least, my friend Wormy the worm could regenerate his body, so I could probably pull it off. You can't even get to me - I'm in my unconvincing castle, on a computer, in a glass cage. Sorta like the admins, except I don't have a fancy userpage and a gay sig with retarded titles in it. Man, that's just gay. You're gay. You raging homo.

Anyway, please consider the points I brought up earlier, you homo. I was just kidding about that homo thing - I'm sure you're quite straight.

3 more weeks later - no response from Uncyclopedia

What the hell? Why aren't you responding to me? You should take me seriously - I could take a bite of you. Or, my friend Vinnie the Python could (see, that's an original name) do that. He's got poison in him. Bite from him - you fall down on the ground. Dead. If I could get out of this cage, I'd totally kick your ass - nothing will distract me from ensuring this happens if you don't meet my demands, and I- oh my God, there's a kid there! There's a kid looking at me through the glass! What are you doing, girl? Ain't you seen a snake before? Get outta here! Hssssttthhh! Sorry about that. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'd totally kick your ass, if I could get outta this cage. Can't be that hard, right? You can't really hurt me. I'll bite your dick off, if I can reach it. You're not, like, 7 foot tall in real life, are you? Eh, probably not.

Anyway, let me explain why you need more snake related content. Snakes are such an influential creature in today's modern society. Why, what about such great films as Snakes On A Plane, and... umm... other... snake-related films. Trust me, there are millions, even if they don't spring immediately to mind.[2]There are also snake related songs. What are they? Well, I don't know! I kinda hoped you would. Snake related books? Millions of those, too. There's even a snake somewhere in Death Note. I'm not lying. I saw it with my own eyes. There's also snake merchandise. There are snake flavoured chewing gums in Lithuania. I saw one of the humans of the house chewing it.

6 weeks later - response from Uncyclopedia

This is it. I have waited, quite literally, several days for this letter. I've waited so long that I can feel my scales getting dryer. But now I have possession of an official response from Uncyclopedia, and it's about time I ceased my infernal bullshittery and opened it.

To whom it may concern,

We here at Uncyclopedia understand that you have had some concerns regarding a lack of snake-related articles. We have thought long and hard about a possible solution and/or compromise to your request/threat (delete as appropriate) and we've come up with this; a short, simple answer to your question which we believe will answer everything and put your mind at ease. The statement is as follows:

No.

Yours sincerely,
The Uncyclopedia Order

2 days later

That was... insincere, to say the least. You could have at least been polite about it, danced around the obvious for a while. I knew I wasn't going to get what I wanted. I never do. Nobody understands me, and not just because my language is a series of hissing and clicking noises, similar to those African clicky noises but with more hiss. It's boring in here, too. But I'm just ranting now, and that's not what you want on Uncyclopedia.

Maybe I'll go write some articles about snakes on Wikipedia. I know a lot about snake breeding, being a real ladies man in the snake world. Well, I flattered the one snake woman I once had a relationship with. A long, long time ago - but never mind. I'm not gonna rage about it. You hear that? I said, I'm not... gonna... rage... yeah. Totally not upset right now. Totally not. Really. Honestly.

STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!

I'm not angry or anything, it's just distracting, when you look at me. So quit it. QUIT IT!!

And just for the record, Samuel L. Motherfuckin' Jackson can go fuck himself.

  1. original name, right? My friend Hammy the hamster thought so, anyway.
  2. Snakes on a Train? They made it, man. I swear! I saw one of the keepers watching it on a portable TV.
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