Uncyclopedia Health Service

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{{VFH}}

Revision as of 11:15, February 7, 2008

Health Bar2

UHSsearchbar
UHSnewsbar
UHSfeatrueddisease
UHSpenisenlargement


Welcome to the Uncyclopedia Health Service, a nurse won't be with you shortly.

Here at the UHS we are committed to giving.. um.. getting.. er.. doing.. good.. yeah.. er.. stuff.. ah- have some more tic tacs- I mean Aspirin.

- Home - News - Store -
Media Releases

7th January, 2008

The bodies found in the aged care ward were dead before they entered the ward, despite what the Health Department says.

4th January, 2008

After expensive studies lasting many years, and millions of hours work we have discovered that the pie does contain meat. Sadly in completely unrelated news the cancer ward will be forced to close due to lack of funds.

2nd January, 2008

20 something doctor w/ chiseled good looks and distant stare seeking nurse/patient for fun time, possibly commitment.

31st December, 2007

UHS leading the way in fight against ‘super bug’ - Surgery room expected to be free of cockroaches by 2009.

27th December, 2007

Christmas 2007 sees 50% less Turkey related injuries than last year.

23rd December, 2007

Amoebic meningitis alert! If anyone knows what it is, please see Dr. Vorless ASAP


Employee Profile
250px-Doc 85
Maaartyy you have... you have chlamydia?! - "Doc" Brown is always willing to help!

Here at UHS we know that the best cure is understanding, despite what the text-books say. We know you'd much rather have an attractive, well endowed doctor/nurse lean over you and pretend to check your heart beat than have life saving surgery to remove that damn lump on your back. So we think it is most important that you know a bit about the people who work here; from the illegal Mexican cleaners to the nicotine addicted midwives. This month we are profiling the mysterious Evil professor/obstetrician, Dr Moriati. Yes ladies he's single and has a thing for neck bolts.

Age: 49

Any partners? There was a zombie once.. but things just didn't work out. There is Igor, but I'd call that more a Crazy scientist - brainless slave kind of relationship.

Hobbies? Making hideous monsters, plotting to take over the world, topiary classes... nothing really.

Why did you join UHS? The hospital is a great place to gather pieces for my latest projects, plus all those huge electro-magnetic machines turn me on.

Previous jobs? Well I was head Professor at Harvard until I was thrown out for creating a 50-foot-tall robot. Don't spend the budget on that crazy robot, they said. Stop crushing Philadelphia, they said. Well I will get my revenge!!

Yeah, it was fine.

Do you enjoy working for the UHS? Yes, birthing babies is almost as good as creating life out of body parts. I get a real rush from shouting "Look at what I have created!!!" every time a baby is born.

What will you do when you retire? I don't really know.. um.. make a few death rays, move to Florida... I'm getting my pension payed out in corpses so I'll figure something out.


What's New?

Here at the UHS we are committed to making your stay as enjoyable as possible, our innovations department [1] is constantly devising ways for you to make the best of your stay[2].

Hosptl Qwik

Are you just too busy to get that tumor removed? Got to finish those accounts no matter what? Well we are proud to announce our special service for the modern working type. With DIY heart surgery podcasts and no-fuss SMS diagnosis - ur sik w/genitl wrts, may hv 2 amput8 - this is just perfect for those just too busy to care about their health!


Aged Care

Every pensioner should have detailed information about how the UHS works[3] – not least because a senior’s topics of conversation typically revolve around appalling medical conditions, and how many of their friends have recently died just to spite them.

Indeed, when not holidaying in dismal seaside towns or helping out at the equally dismal local charity shop, most seniors enjoy nothing better than a cheery day in a hospital discussing their rheumatoid arthritis and rare bowel movements with a complete stranger, shortly followed by a consultation with the doctor.

That is why, along with extending the pensioners ward, UHS will provide a dummy next to every bed so the old dears can complain about their imploded bowel to their hearts content. That is just how much we care.


Online Diagnosis
Picasso
Picasso Syndrome is one of the most feared of the Modern-Arterial diseases, only matched by the obscure Chicken Pollocks. It was famed for horribly disfiguring its poor helpless victims, such as this unlucky girl. Luckily the affliction, once rampant across Spain and France, is now only confined to unimaginative painters.

Here at the UHS we are already criminally overcrowded so we don't need you coming in here with a small complaint like a runny nose or chest pains. That is why, along with several eminent MIT professors, we have compiled a list of simple medical conditions that you may be suffering from.

Are you suffering from cold sweats?

No (go to 2) / Yes (go to 3)

You are Dead, plenty of sleep should cure this. Soon you will be feeling as alive as ever.

Are you currently looking at a person of the same gender?

Yes (go to 4) / No (go to 5)

You are suffering from Homosexuality, a few millennia in the depths of hell should cure this... or a large donation to the Church of Saint Phelps.

Have you recently joined the Church of Scientology?

Yes (go to 6) / No (go to 7)

You are suffering from Gullibility, giving your PIN number to this kind Nigerian princess should help.

Do you feel the Iraq war was unjustified?

Yes (go to 12) / No (go to 13)

You are suffering from Liberal Bias, a disease affecting much of the world's media. Strangely it is only recognized as a disease in FOX'S Anatomy.

Do you feel the uncontrollable urge to add “ARR!” to the beginning of every sentence?

Yes (go to 14) / No (go to 15)

You are suffering from Scurvy. Don’t worry the desire for treasure and unnatural fixation on eye patches and talking parrots is completely normal

Oh god, you actually are sick. You better get to a hospital... wait this is a h- Hot dog, Hot dog, we sell the Hot dog! Sorry, no speak Inglish!




UHS Application for Hospital Visit



- Personal -
Name _______________________
Gender - M / F -
(Yes, the doctors will undress you and poke fun at your genitals, but for some people they just cant tell...)
PIN Number _______________________
(Oh how silly of me, the doctors will just steal you wallet while you're under.)

- Reminder - If you take any medications, please bring them in so the more junior doctors can experiment with them in the laboratory, or as we like to call it, toilet. Stimulants are most appreciated.

- Preferences -
What would you like to eat? - Grey slop / Grey slop / Grey slop
(If the doctors want to sleep with you they may get you something better.)
Would you like to be resuscitated after the pie?

Yes __

No __
(If you couldn't take the pie, I wouldn't try the dessert.)
Would you like to try the executive service?

Yes, Vodka through an IV is my idea of heaven __

No, toilet water is fine for me __
How often would you like your room cleaned?

Once a Day

Once a Week __

Never, the cockroaches really grow on you __
What would you like the doctor to tell your family if they leave medical equipment in you?

"Oh thats the.. um.. scissor bone." __

"It was like that when he came in here" __

"How does free hospital for a month sound?" __
Please sign this declaration:
I declare that I am legally unwell, and consent to being patronized and violated in the spirit of impersonal scientific discovery. I also do not mind if my internal organ/s are sold to a wealthy Chinese businessman for a tidy profit.
____________________________
Notes
  1. formerly cancer ward
  2. and keep your attention off those rats breeding in your mattress
  3. if that is the appropriate word
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