The babies in the maternity ward were dead after birth due to unsanitary conditions, despite the Health department trying to keep up with latest research.
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'''23rd February, 2009'''
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Real Aspirin is now available at a cost of 54,381,000 Wildes. Cancer Ward reopened.
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'''25th January, 2009'''
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UHS increases funding to 29,000,000,000,000,000 Wildes ([[Wikipedia|W$]]29,000,000)
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'''14th January, 2009'''
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The surgery room is [[nobody cares|free of cockroaches]].
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'''2nd January, 2009'''
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Hospital reopened; all renovations finished. Children's Hospital opened.
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'''19th October, 2008'''
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UHS cuts funding to 390 Wildes. All people receive funding from [[the Filipino Empire]] and [[Wikipedia|Wikicare]] instead.
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'''21st August, 2008'''
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The hospital is [[Bullshit|closed for renovations]] and all patients are transferred to the King Joseph Medical Center in [[Tokyo]], [[The Filipino Empire|Filipino-occupied]] [[Japan]].
[[Image:250px-Doc_85.JPG|right|thumb|200px|Maaartyy you have... you have chlamydia?! - "Doc" Brown is always willing to help!]]
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[[Image:250px-Doc_85.JPG|right|thumb|200px|''Maaartyy you have... you have chlamydia?!'' - "Doc" Brown is always willing to help!]]
Here at UHS we know that the best cure is understanding, despite what the text-books say. We know you'd much rather have an attractive, well endowed [[doctor]]/[[nurse]] lean over you and pretend to check your heart beat than have life saving surgery to remove that damn [[HowTo:Check for Lumps|lump]] on your back. So we think it is most important that you know a bit about the people who work here; from the illegal [[Mexican]] cleaners to the nicotine addicted midwives.
Here at UHS we know that the best cure is understanding, despite what the text-books say. We know you'd much rather have an attractive, well endowed [[doctor]]/[[nurse]] lean over you and pretend to check your heart beat than have life saving surgery to remove that damn [[HowTo:Check for Lumps|lump]] on your back. So we think it is most important that you know a bit about the people who work here; from the illegal [[Mexican]] cleaners to the nicotine addicted midwives.
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'''Do you enjoy working for the UHS?''' Yes, birthing babies is almost as good as creating life out of body parts. I get a real rush from shouting "Look at what I have created!!!" every time a baby is born.
'''Do you enjoy working for the UHS?''' Yes, birthing babies is almost as good as creating life out of body parts. I get a real rush from shouting "Look at what I have created!!!" every time a baby is born.
−
'''What will you do when you retire?''' I don't really know.. um.. make a few death rays, move to Florida... I'm getting my pension payed out in corpses so I'll figure something out.
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'''What will you do when you retire?''' I don't really know.. um.. make a few death rays, move to Florida... I'm getting my pension paid out in corpses so I'll figure something out.
Here at the UHS we are committed to making your stay as enjoyable as possible, our innovations department <ref>formerly cancer ward</ref> is constantly devising ways for you to make the best of your stay<ref>andkeepyourattentionoffthoserats breedinginyour mattress</ref>.
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Here at the UHS we are committed to making your stay as enjoyable as possible, our innovations department is constantly devising ways for you to make the best of your stay - An infinite number of metaphorical<ref>*cough*</ref>monkeysonaninfinite<ref><small>approximately3andsomelint</small></ref> number of thermometers all infinitely committed to solving your infinite problems. Infinitely.
'''Hosptl Qwik'''
'''Hosptl Qwik'''
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Are you just too busy to get that tumor removed? Got to finish those accounts no matter what? Well we are proud to announce our special service for the modern working type. With [[Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies|DIY heart surgery]] podcasts and no-fuss SMS diagnosis - ''ur sik w/genitl wrts, may hv 2 amput8'' - this is just perfect for those just too busy to care about their health!
Are you just too busy to get that tumor removed? Got to finish those accounts no matter what? Well we are proud to announce our special service for the modern working type. With [[Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies|DIY heart surgery]] podcasts and no-fuss SMS diagnosis - ''ur sik w/genitl wrts, may hv 2 amput8'' - this is just perfect for those just too busy to care about their health!
Everypensionershouldhavedetailedinformation about how the UHS works<ref><small>if that is the appropriateword</small></ref> – not least because a senior’s topics of conversation typically revolve around appalling medical conditions, and how many of their friends have recently died just to spite them.
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Every pensioner should have detailed information about how the UHS works<ref>if that is the appropriate word</ref> – not least because a senior’s topics of conversation typically revolve around appalling medical conditions, and how many of their friends have recently died just to spite them.
Indeed, when not holidaying in dismal seaside towns or helping out at the equally dismal local charity shop, most seniors enjoy nothing better than a cheery day in a hospital discussing their rheumatoid arthritis and rare bowel movements with a complete stranger, shortly followed by a consultation with the doctor.
Indeed, when not holidaying in dismal seaside towns or helping out at the equally dismal local charity shop, most seniors enjoy nothing better than a cheery day in a hospital discussing their rheumatoid arthritis and rare bowel movements with a complete stranger, shortly followed by a consultation with the doctor.
[[Image:Picasso.jpg|thumb|right|200px|'''''[[Picasso]] Syndrome''''' is one of the most feared of the '''Modern-Arterial''' diseases, only matched by the obscure '''''[[Jackson Pollock|Chicken Pollocks]]'''''. It was famed for horribly disfiguring its poor helpless victims, such as this unlucky girl. Luckily the affliction, once rampant across Spain and France, is now only confined to unimaginative painters.]]
[[Image:Picasso.jpg|thumb|right|200px|'''''[[Picasso]] Syndrome''''' is one of the most feared of the '''Modern-Arterial''' diseases, only matched by the obscure '''''[[Jackson Pollock|Chicken Pollocks]]'''''. It was famed for horribly disfiguring its poor helpless victims, such as this unlucky girl. Luckily the affliction, once rampant across Spain and France, is now only confined to unimaginative painters.]]
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Here at the UHS we are already criminally overcrowded so we don't need you coming in here with a small complaint like a runny nose or [[Heart Attack|chest pains]]. That is why, along with several eminent MIT professors, we have compiled a list of simple medical conditions that you may be suffering from.
Here at the UHS we are already criminally overcrowded so we don't need you coming in here with a small complaint like a runny nose or [[Heart Attack|chest pains]]. That is why, along with several eminent MIT professors, we have compiled a list of simple medical conditions that you may be suffering from.
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'''Are you suffering from cold sweats? '''
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{|{{Prettytable}}
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|'''Are you suffering from cold sweats? '''
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No (go to 2) / Yes (go to 3)
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''No (go to 2) / Yes (go to 3)''
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[[You Are Dead|You are Dead]], plenty of sleep should cure this. Soon you will be feeling as alive as ever.
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|[[You Are Dead|You are Dead]], plenty of sleep should cure this. Soon you will be feeling as alive as ever.
−
+
|-
−
'''Are you currently looking at a person of the same gender?'''
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|'''Are you currently looking at a person of the same gender?'''
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Yes (go to 4) / No (go to 5)
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''Yes (go to 4) / No (go to 5)''
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You are suffering from [[Homosexuality]], a few millennia in the depths of hell should cure this... or a large donation to the Church of [[Fred Phelps|Saint Phelps]].
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|You are suffering from [[Homosexuality]], a few millennia in the depths of hell should cure this... or a large donation to the Church of [[Fred Phelps|Saint Phelps]].
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|-
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|'''Have you recently joined the Church of [[Scientology]]?'''
|Youaresufferingfrom[[Gullibility]],givingyour PIN number to [[Nigerian economy|this]] kind Nigerian princess should help.
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|-
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|'''Do you feel the [[Iraq]] war was unjustified?'''
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YouaresufferingfromGullibility,givingyour PIN number to [[Nigerian economy|this]] kind Nigerian princess should help.
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''Yes(goto12)/No(go to 13)''
−
'''Doyoufeelthe [[Iraq]] warwasunjustified?'''
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|Youaresufferingfrom [[Liberal]] Bias,adisease affecting much of the world's media. Strangely it is only recognized as a disease in [[FOX News|FOX'SAnatomy]].
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|-
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|'''Do you feel the uncontrollable urge to add “ARR!” to the beginning of every sentence?'''
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''Yes (go to 14) / No (go to 15)''
−
Yes(goto12)/No(goto13)
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|YouaresufferingfromScurvy.Don’tworrythedesirefor treasure and unnatural fixation on eye patches and talking parrots is completely [[Normal|normal]]
−
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|}
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You are suffering from [[Liberal]] Bias, a disease affecting much of the world's media. Strangely it is only recognized as a disease in [[FOX News|FOX'S Anatomy]].
−
−
'''Do you feel the uncontrollable urge to add “ARR!” to the beginning of every sentence?'''
−
−
Yes (go to 14) / No (go to 15)
−
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You are suffering from [[Scurvy]]. Don’t worry the desire for treasure and unnatural fixation on eye patches and talking parrots is completely [[Normal|normal]]
−
'''Oh god, you actually are sick. You better get to a hospital... wait this is a h- Hot dog, Hot dog, we sell the Hot dog! Sorry, no speak Inglish!'''
The babies in the maternity ward were dead after birth due to unsanitary conditions, despite the Health department trying to keep up with latest research.
23rd February, 2009
Real Aspirin is now available at a cost of 54,381,000 Wildes. Cancer Ward reopened.
25th January, 2009
UHS increases funding to 29,000,000,000,000,000 Wildes (W$29,000,000)
The bodies found in the aged care ward were dead before they entered the ward, despite what the Health Department says.
4th January, 2008
After expensive studies lasting many years, and millions of hours work we have discovered that the pie does contain meat. Sadly in completely unrelated news the cancer ward will be forced to close due to lack of funds.
2nd January, 2008
20 something doctor w/ chiseled good looks and distant stare seeking nurse/patient for fun time, possibly commitment.
31st December, 2007
UHS leading the way in fight against ‘super bug’ - Surgery room expected to be free of cockroaches by 2009.
27th December, 2007
Christmas 2007 sees 50% less Turkey related injuries than last year.
23rd December, 2007
Amoebic meningitis alert! If anyone knows what it is, please see Dr. Vorless ASAP
Employee Profile
Maaartyy you have... you have chlamydia?! - "Doc" Brown is always willing to help!
Here at UHS we know that the best cure is understanding, despite what the text-books say. We know you'd much rather have an attractive, well endowed doctor/nurse lean over you and pretend to check your heart beat than have life saving surgery to remove that damn lump on your back. So we think it is most important that you know a bit about the people who work here; from the illegal Mexican cleaners to the nicotine addicted midwives.
This month we are profiling the mysterious Evil professor/obstetrician, Dr Moriati. Yes ladies he's single and has a thing for neck bolts.
Age: 49
Any partners? There was a zombie once.. but things just didn't work out. There is Igor, but I'd call that more a Crazy scientist - brainless slave kind of relationship.
Hobbies? Making hideous monsters, plotting to take over the world, topiary classes... nothing really.
Why did you join UHS? The hospital is a great place to gather pieces for my latest projects, plus all those huge electro-magnetic machines turn me on.
Previous jobs? Well I was head Professor at Harvard until I was thrown out for creating a 50-foot-tall robot. Don't spend the budget on that crazy robot, they said. Stop crushing Philadelphia, they said. Well I will get my revenge!!
Yeah, it was fine.
Do you enjoy working for the UHS? Yes, birthing babies is almost as good as creating life out of body parts. I get a real rush from shouting "Look at what I have created!!!" every time a baby is born.
What will you do when you retire? I don't really know.. um.. make a few death rays, move to Florida... I'm getting my pension paid out in corpses so I'll figure something out.
What's New?
Here at the UHS we are committed to making your stay as enjoyable as possible, our innovations department is constantly devising ways for you to make the best of your stay - An infinite number of metaphorical[1] monkeys on an infinite[2] number of thermometers all infinitely committed to solving your infinite problems. Infinitely.
Hosptl Qwik
Are you just too busy to get that tumor removed? Got to finish those accounts no matter what? Well we are proud to announce our special service for the modern working type. With DIY heart surgery podcasts and no-fuss SMS diagnosis - ur sik w/genitl wrts, may hv 2 amput8 - this is just perfect for those just too busy to care about their health!
Aged Care
Every pensioner should have detailed information about how the UHS works[3] – not least because a senior’s topics of conversation typically revolve around appalling medical conditions, and how many of their friends have recently died just to spite them.
Indeed, when not holidaying in dismal seaside towns or helping out at the equally dismal local charity shop, most seniors enjoy nothing better than a cheery day in a hospital discussing their rheumatoid arthritis and rare bowel movements with a complete stranger, shortly followed by a consultation with the doctor.
That is why, along with extending the pensioners ward, UHS will provide a dummy next to every bed so the old dears can complain about their imploded bowel to their hearts content. That is just how much we care.
Online Diagnosis
Picasso Syndrome is one of the most feared of the Modern-Arterial diseases, only matched by the obscure Chicken Pollocks. It was famed for horribly disfiguring its poor helpless victims, such as this unlucky girl. Luckily the affliction, once rampant across Spain and France, is now only confined to unimaginative painters.
Here at the UHS we are already criminally overcrowded so we don't need you coming in here with a small complaint like a runny nose or chest pains. That is why, along with several eminent MIT professors, we have compiled a list of simple medical conditions that you may be suffering from.
Are you suffering from cold sweats?
No (go to 2) / Yes (go to 3)
You are Dead, plenty of sleep should cure this. Soon you will be feeling as alive as ever.
Are you currently looking at a person of the same gender?
Yes (go to 4) / No (go to 5)
You are suffering from Homosexuality, a few millennia in the depths of hell should cure this... or a large donation to the Church of Saint Phelps.
Have you recently joined the Church of Scientology?
Yes (go to 6) / No (go to 7)
You are suffering from Gullibility, giving your PIN number to this kind Nigerian princess should help.
You are suffering from Liberal Bias, a disease affecting much of the world's media. Strangely it is only recognized as a disease in FOX'S Anatomy.
Do you feel the uncontrollable urge to add “ARR!” to the beginning of every sentence?
Yes (go to 14) / No (go to 15)
You are suffering from Scurvy. Don’t worry the desire for treasure and unnatural fixation on eye patches and talking parrots is completely normal
Oh god, you actually are sick. You better get to a hospital... wait this is a h- Hot dog, Hot dog, we sell the Hot dog! Sorry, no speak Inglish![4]
UHS Application for Hospital Visit
- Personal -
Name _______________________
Gender - M / F -
(Yes, the doctors will undress you and poke fun at your genitals, but for some people they just cant tell...)
PIN Number _______________________
(Oh how silly of me, the doctors will just steal you wallet while you're under.)
- Reminder - If you take any medications, please bring them in so the more junior doctors can experiment with them in the laboratory, or as we like to call it, toilet. Stimulants are most appreciated.
- Preferences -
What would you like to eat? - Grey slop / Grey slop / Grey slop
(If the doctors want to sleep with you they may get you something better.)
Would you like to be resuscitated after the pie?
Yes __
No __
(If you couldn't take the pie, I wouldn't try the dessert.)
Would you like to try the executive service?
Yes, Vodka through an IV is my idea of heaven __
No, toilet water is fine for me __
How often would you like your room cleaned?
Once a Day
Once a Week __
Never, the cockroaches really grow on you __
What would you like the doctor to tell your family if they leave medical equipment in you?
"Oh thats the.. um.. scissor bone." __
"It was like that when he came in here" __
"How does free hospital for a month sound?" __
Please sign this declaration:
I declare that I am legally unwell, and consent to being patronized and violated in the spirit of impersonal scientific discovery. I also do not mind if my internal organ/s are sold to a wealthy Chinese businessman for a tidy profit.
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