Uncyclopedia:Wilde/RandomAnecdote

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<option>'''Oscar Wilde''' is looking through a large telescope at the Royal Observatory. "Look, I can see Uranus," he says to the astronomer, only he pronounces it YUR-uh-nuss, so the astronomer doesn't get the joke. Wilde tries again: "I said, I can see your bum, your arse, your rump, your posterior," he says. The astronomer checks his pants, but completely fails to make the connection. "I'm talking about your ''bottom,''" says Wilde, exasperated. But the astronomer has already fallen asleep. "Wake up!" screams Wilde at the top of his lungs, but the astronomer refuses to wake up, having already written a letter to that effect to the editor of the ''Times.'' "If you don't wake up, I'm going to sue you," Wilde threatens, but this, too, has no effect. Finally, Wilde picks up an enormous sledgehammer and smashes it down on the poor astronomer's ham sandwich. This finally gets the astronomer's attention. "That was my only [[ham sandwich]]," he complains. "Now I'll have to eat the steak and kidney pie I bought from Fotheringay's." And, right then and there, he picks up the steak and kidney pie and eats it. Wilde, who hates both steaks and kidneys, becomes furious. "This simply ''will not do,''" he says, and stomps off into the night, never to be seen nor heard from ever again.</option>
 
<option>'''Oscar Wilde''' is looking through a large telescope at the Royal Observatory. "Look, I can see Uranus," he says to the astronomer, only he pronounces it YUR-uh-nuss, so the astronomer doesn't get the joke. Wilde tries again: "I said, I can see your bum, your arse, your rump, your posterior," he says. The astronomer checks his pants, but completely fails to make the connection. "I'm talking about your ''bottom,''" says Wilde, exasperated. But the astronomer has already fallen asleep. "Wake up!" screams Wilde at the top of his lungs, but the astronomer refuses to wake up, having already written a letter to that effect to the editor of the ''Times.'' "If you don't wake up, I'm going to sue you," Wilde threatens, but this, too, has no effect. Finally, Wilde picks up an enormous sledgehammer and smashes it down on the poor astronomer's ham sandwich. This finally gets the astronomer's attention. "That was my only [[ham sandwich]]," he complains. "Now I'll have to eat the steak and kidney pie I bought from Fotheringay's." And, right then and there, he picks up the steak and kidney pie and eats it. Wilde, who hates both steaks and kidneys, becomes furious. "This simply ''will not do,''" he says, and stomps off into the night, never to be seen nor heard from ever again.</option>
 
<option>'''Oscar Wilde''' decides one day that he's going to replace all of his dirty, smelly old underwear with nice, new underwear. So he goes into a nearby shop and asks the clerk, "How much for a dozen pair of knickers?" The clerk looks puzzled and says, "But I don't want any knickers." Wilde doesn't let this dissuade him. He pulls one of the pairs of dirty, smelly old undershorts from his bag and says, "These knickers have been worn not only by me, Oscar Wilde, one of the greatest authors of the age, but also by two royal princes, ''at the same time.'' Surely they must be worth ''something?'' The clerk hesitates, then says: "Very well, I'll give you five shillings and six for the lot." Wilde hands the bag to the clerk, and the clerk gives him several coins in return. "I don't want to hear any complaints," says Wilde. "Now, how about the knickers I'm wearing right now? How much would you give me if I took them off right here in the shop, in front of all the other patrons?" The clerk hesitates again, then says: "Sixpence?" So Wilde takes another coin and removes his trousers and knickers in front of the astonished throng, revealing his erect penis, which is dressed up with a lovely pink ribbon and bow. Turning to the clerk, he says, "How much for the ribbon?"</option>
 
<option>'''Oscar Wilde''' decides one day that he's going to replace all of his dirty, smelly old underwear with nice, new underwear. So he goes into a nearby shop and asks the clerk, "How much for a dozen pair of knickers?" The clerk looks puzzled and says, "But I don't want any knickers." Wilde doesn't let this dissuade him. He pulls one of the pairs of dirty, smelly old undershorts from his bag and says, "These knickers have been worn not only by me, Oscar Wilde, one of the greatest authors of the age, but also by two royal princes, ''at the same time.'' Surely they must be worth ''something?'' The clerk hesitates, then says: "Very well, I'll give you five shillings and six for the lot." Wilde hands the bag to the clerk, and the clerk gives him several coins in return. "I don't want to hear any complaints," says Wilde. "Now, how about the knickers I'm wearing right now? How much would you give me if I took them off right here in the shop, in front of all the other patrons?" The clerk hesitates again, then says: "Sixpence?" So Wilde takes another coin and removes his trousers and knickers in front of the astonished throng, revealing his erect penis, which is dressed up with a lovely pink ribbon and bow. Turning to the clerk, he says, "How much for the ribbon?"</option>
</option><option>'''Oscar Wilde''' was walking down the narrow cobblestone streets of Dublin, [[Ireland]] when a man walked out of a pub and engaged him in conversation. "I have shagged many a beautiful young lassie in my day," said the stranger. "How dare you boast so arrogantly," Wilde replied. The man was taken aback, and quickly sized up our hero. "Are you one of those ''poofs,'' then?" quoth he. Wilde decided that he desperately needed to establish some heterosexual credibility at this juncture. Just then, a bonnie lass strode out of the tavern. Wilde approached her with great confidence, saying, "My my, your tollywompers are looking splendid this afternoon." She, in turn, froze solid, and screeched for a wretched hag who stood behind her. "Mother! Did you hear the filth this man hath speweth?" The old hag took out a can of Cheez Whiz, and sprayed poor Wilde all up and down his body. As he turned to run out of the neighborhood, the surprisingly speedy hag produced a can of Silly String&trade; and began to blast him. Panting, Wilde wept bitterly, tears smearing the cheese as he wailed, "Do you not know who I am, foul succubus?" Alas, his protestations fell on deaf ears. Desperate, and with no viable alternative, Wilde dropped his trousers and let loose a mighty wind from his arse, hoping to scare off the wench. The fart was so foul, it caused the heathenish woman to faint, and all nearby birds to fly from their perches in terror. "''This'' is why I eat roast-beef sandwiches from Arby's," Wilde exclaimed, now utterly victorious.</option></choose>
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</option><option>'''Oscar Wilde''' was walking down the narrow cobblestone streets of Dublin, [[Ireland]] when a man walked out of a pub and engaged him in conversation. "I have shagged many a beautiful young lassie in my day," said the stranger. "How dare you boast so arrogantly," Wilde replied. The man was taken aback, and quickly sized up our hero. "Are you one of those ''poofs,'' then?" quoth he. Wilde decided that he desperately needed to establish some heterosexual credibility at this juncture. Just then, a bonnie lass strode out of the tavern. Wilde approached her with great confidence, saying, "My my, your tollywompers are looking splendid this afternoon." She, in turn, froze solid, and screeched for a wretched hag who stood behind her. "Mother! Did you hear the filth this man hath speweth?" The old hag took out a can of Easy Cheese&trade;, and sprayed poor Wilde all up and down his body. As he turned to run out of the neighborhood, the surprisingly speedy hag produced a can of Silly String&trade; and began to blast him. Panting, Wilde wept bitterly, tears smearing the cheese as he wailed, "Do you not know who I am, foul succubus?" Alas, his protestations fell on deaf ears. Desperate, and with no viable alternative, Wilde dropped his trousers and let loose a mighty wind from his arse, hoping to scare off the wench. The fart was so foul, it caused the heathenish woman to faint, and all nearby birds to fly from their perches in terror. "''This'' is why I eat roast-beef sandwiches from Arby's," Wilde exclaimed, now utterly victorious.</option></choose>

Latest revision as of 22:12, September 25, 2008

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Oscar Wilde is looking through a large telescope at the Royal Observatory. "Look, I can see Uranus," he says to the astronomer, only he pronounces it YUR-uh-nuss, so the astronomer doesn't get the joke. Wilde tries again: "I said, I can see your bum, your arse, your rump, your posterior," he says. The astronomer checks his pants, but completely fails to make the connection. "I'm talking about your bottom," says Wilde, exasperated. But the astronomer has already fallen asleep. "Wake up!" screams Wilde at the top of his lungs, but the astronomer refuses to wake up, having already written a letter to that effect to the editor of the Times. "If you don't wake up, I'm going to sue you," Wilde threatens, but this, too, has no effect. Finally, Wilde picks up an enormous sledgehammer and smashes it down on the poor astronomer's ham sandwich. This finally gets the astronomer's attention. "That was my only ham sandwich," he complains. "Now I'll have to eat the steak and kidney pie I bought from Fotheringay's." And, right then and there, he picks up the steak and kidney pie and eats it. Wilde, who hates both steaks and kidneys, becomes furious. "This simply will not do," he says, and stomps off into the night, never to be seen nor heard from ever again.

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