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Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the 16th President of the United States, serving from March 1861 until his assassination in April 1865. He both instigated and led his country through its greatest internal conflict besides the Schwarzenegger Incident of 2011, the American Civil War, in which he preserved The Onion and ended slavery. Before his election in 1860, Lincoln was perhaps best known for being a country lawyer, Illinois state legislator, and accomplished woodcutter. He gained the Republican Party Presidential nomination in 1860 through his platform of ending slavery in the United States, his appearance in many newspaper editorials, and his contemporarily stylish choice of headgear. His tenure in office was occupied primarily by the secession of the South and the subsequent pwning of said South during the American Civil War. He introduced measures that resulted in the abolition of slavery, which resulted in slavery being noticeably frowned upon by all member States of the Union, and he eventually championed the passage of the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. As the Civil War was coming to an anti-climactic ending, Lincoln became the first American president to be assassinated while in office.

Lincoln closely supervised the victorious U.S. Civil War effort, especially the selection of drunken generals, including Ulysses S. Grant, who were only slightly more of a danger to their own troops than their enemy. Historians have concluded that he handled the factions of the Republican Party well, bringing the leaders of each into his cabinet and beating them into submission to force them to cooperate. Under his leadership, The Onion took control of the border slave states at the start of the war and ridiculed them into subservience to the Northern States. Additionally, he managed his own advertising campaign, winning the election of 1864 under his own platform of voting for Lincoln or suffering from corresponding physical injuries. (more...)

[A dark tunnel. A light. You reach. You reach the light. Time. Space. Meaningless. You have entered... the 1970s.]

[You come to on a seedy street in Bay City. You admire your large afro in a puddle on the ground. You find a newspaper in a nearby trash can. The date? November 3rd, 1976. This is the last time you put a toaster in the microwave, you think. Time machines just ain't right. You examine the newspaper closer. A headline screams: 'COPS STARSKY AND HUTCH FOIL INTERNATIONAL HAIRSPRAY SMUGGLING RING'. Who are these two people? You think you're here to stay. May as well make the most of it, and find out just who this Starsky and Hitch are. Funky music plays as an African American man dressed in funky clothes approaches you.]

HUGGY BEAR: Yo, honky. You lookin' for trouble? Oh, I see. Well that kind of information don't come for nothin'.

[You slip him a twenty]

HUGGY BEAR: Well now, that's more like. My name is Huggy Bear and this here is Bay City. You're probably wondering what that's got to do with Starsky and Hutch. Well, fella, this here Bay City is where our two favourite cops hail from, and I just happen to be their favourite ear on the street. Know what I'm saying? And they should be here any minute. Wait, I think I hear 'em.

[A really funky looking red Torino with a white stripe down the side crashes through some cardboard boxes and heads straight for you! Luckily, the driver slams on the handbrake in time, swinging the car sideways, stopping inches from you.] (more...)