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Aluminium (history, logs)

Article: Aluminium

Score: 1

Nominated by: Self-nom + for as I feel it is pretty good, and my first real attempt at a article, which for once, turned out well.The Sieger of Dungeons Lord Denza Aetherwing Inventory 01:33, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
For: 4
  1. Symbol for vote For. --The Sieger of Dungeons Lord Denza Aetherwing Inventory 01:33, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
  2. Symbol for vote For. It is not extremely encyclopedic but has its own humour technique which is actually even more complicated than you would have thought at the first look. Anton (talk) 19:02, September 5, 2013 (UTC)
  3. For. A shiny distraction. -- Simsilikesims(♀GUN) Talk here. 22:33, September 9, 2013 (UTC)
  4. Symbol for vote For. Well written look at one of our favorite metals. Has been worked on, and criticisms answered. I like eating aluminium, for no other reason than it melts in my mouth. Aleister 9-9-9
Against: 3
  1. Against. Funny to me, but not enough like an encyclopedia article. Clone Trooper 2000 (talk) 22:25, September 3, 2013 (UTC)
  2. Symbol against vote Against. Surprise: Denza sets out to write about Aluminium and winds up writing about Denza. Showcasing the Kamek98 school of humor writing will not appeal to new people browsing our site. Spıke Ѧ 14:01 5-Sep-13
    I think that the article is good but does have some self-reference that I am planning to hide. If this would be done, will you change your votes? (just asking) Anton (talk) 18:32, September 5, 2013 (UTC)
  3. Symbol against vote Against. This is not a bad article, but not a featureable article from my perspective. I happy to give constructive feedback, but there has already been a huge amount said here I agree with. If you want more detailed feedback just ask.                               Puppy's talk page11:11 10 Sep 2013
  • Comment. Not sure you need to start it like a conversation on line and end as if you are getting disconnected. LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 09:14, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
    Can I edit a bit, please? Anton (talk) 10:45, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
  • The first-person POV seems a bit odd. Also I don't get the "joke" of why the speaker has ADHD (referred to in the history comments).Captain gull (talk) 10:51, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
    ADHD is when a person gets easily distracted and cannot do the same thing for a long time. Anton (talk) 10:53, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
    Correct but I don't see the connection to the article unless huffing aluminium has that effect. Captain gull (talk) 11:02, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
    The speaker often gets distracted and switches topics. But I agree that it is not that obvious. Denza, can I, please, edit it a bit? Anton (talk) 11:24, September 2, 2013 (UTC)
    Anton199 Sure, have at it, but don't rewrite the whole thing. Captain gull I got the idea from my own ADHD. I tend to talk about one topic for hours, often diverging into many unrelated topics. So, I thought it would be funny to play up one of my own tendancies. --The Sieger of Dungeons Lord Denza Aetherwing Inventory 22:27, September 3, 2013 (UTC)
    Denza, I won't rewrite it, I just want to make it look more encyclopedic. But I will keep all your jokes and even style. Ok? Anton (talk) 11:39, September 4, 2013 (UTC)
    Sure! thanks! --The Sieger of Dungeons Lord Denza Aetherwing Inventory 22:10, September 4, 2013 (UTC)(!)
  • Symbol comment vote Comment. I think these issues are fixed now, although it is still not very encyclopedic. But it was your concept, wasn't it? By the way, you can undo my ending with Cabal but I thought, as you gave a link to them at the beginning, I could pursue this theme... Anton (talk) 19:02, September 5, 2013 (UTC)
  • This is the first time in quite a while that I've been very surprised to see yes votes on an article. I think there are several issues with this. The humour in this article is in the vagueness of what aluminum is by using watery adjectives. Instead of building up a joke or throwing the reader for a loop or giving the reader juxtaposed absurdity...we read an article that has no idea what it's talking about and getting by on that gag laugh alone. I also can't figure out what the concept of the article is. Each paragraph has a different approach and its not clear why the differnt approaches are necesary. The articles a little short. The images seem like the first images you would see if you image google the word aluminium. Some times its better to put an image the reader wouldnt expect or ask a user to chop you one. The second section is a sort of paragraph long list which should probably be turned into a minimal list or into flowing paragraphs. A reader is generally uninterest in the writers opinion unless there is something special about the writer and his opinion. Eitehr you are an expert in the topic, a larger than life character, a whako who hates aluminum or the president of the united states or anything that justifies using the first person (and done so in a way thats funny). The fourth paragraph has another list...it's probably not wise for lists to be 50 percent of an article unless the are all super extra helarious lists. The lines like "or soemthing like that" or "sorry for going off on a tangent" would work better if...again...it was from a certain character. Like a stoned hippy or a blabbing highschool girl who can never finish a sentence on topic. I'd highly recommend planning this article out a little before rewriting. What is the point of the article? Whats your angle on aluminum? Why is the author in 1st person? Why does the reader care about an article written by someone who cant say any concrete thing about aluminum? Can you parody something else from real life like how materials come in and go out of vogue quickly. Add a well defined character or ditch the 1st person, and how you could expand on the idea without lists. Of course this is just my opinion. Sorry for the extremely long comment. --ShabiDOO 00:55, September 10, 2013 (UTC)
  • Comment. I agree about the images and lists, but I think that Denza has worked out a good concept and the speaker is a teenager suffering from attention disorder and who was made to speak, while he does not know much about the subject. Anton (talk) 08:43, September 10, 2013 (UTC)
  • Great concept but the execution leaves only a vague imprint of such a character. The article could absolutely reek of someone with ADD and the treatment of aluminum could be more than "just like whatever". For example, if the character took a ritilin pill in the middle of the article and then started making sense and then slowly dragged back to his hyperactive loopy self then the article would contain more substance, say something about ADD and make us laugh at increasingly absurd parody imho. --ShabiDOO 02:15, September 11, 2013 (UTC)


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