Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room/6

Hai Guise

I got my computer back. There for, TheDudeBot is going to return to work as soon as he is needed. Just say the word. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 00:43, 29 August 2008 (UTC)

is anybody working on the USP right now?   Le Cejak • <1:03, 29 Aug 2008>

i've been doing some work on the last five issues or so. this week's issue is set to go, i asked manticore to use mantibot, but if dudebot is itching for some deliverin' then that would be awesome. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:50, 29 August 2008 (UTC)

I'll start delivery at 1:12 local time. (roughly 15 min) Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 17:01, 29 August 2008 (UTC) 17:00, 29 August 2008 (UTC)

east coast! word. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:03, 29 August 2008 (UTC)

Never mind. School firewall blocks the sign up page. Unless someone can post the list of users somewhere i con get to it, I cant get to it till i get home. So about 315. Sorry bout that. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 17:05, 29 August 2008 (UTC)

no worries, 315 will be fine. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:07, 29 August 2008 (UTC)

Bad news. My hard drive crashed friday durring last period studyhall. I gave the computer to tech and they said pick it up tuesday. Looks like TheDudeBot is out of service again. Sorry guys. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 19:14, 30 August 2008 (UTC)

I can get this done if you like guys, what with DudeBot down and Mantiwhore asleep. I haven't got a bot account, but I've got AWB so it shouldn't be too much trouble. –—Hv (talk) 30/08 19:18

Could you, HV?   Le Cejak • <19:47, 30 Aug 2008>

hooray for Hv!!! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:49, 30 August 2008 (UTC)

Yeah, I'll start it in about ten minutes. –—Hv (talk) 30/08 19:51

Done. –—Hv (talk) 30/08 20:33

Bump! Got my computer back. The hard drive crashed, but I got AWB back off the internet. TheDudeBot will be back up and running before the next unsignpost is done. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 03:17, 4 September 2008 (UTC)

excellent. the unsignpost will be my top priority tomorrow, i'll give you a shout when it's finished up. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:59, 4 September 2008 (UTC)

I Demand Compensation

You mentioned 'Aquarius' in the horoscope section, I demand monetary compensation...or atleast a couple gift certificates or something. - Admiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate 03:38, 31 August 2008 (UTC)

So, how much are you asking we give you for having "Aquarius" in your username, hmm?   Le Cejak • <4:03, 31 Aug 2008>

I say we give him a coupon for a free massage from Olipro. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 17:01, 31 August 2008 (UTC)

i think we're fresh out of those coupons, they were in high demand after that unnews about him. perhaps an all-expenses-paid trip to beautiful downtown toronto, complete with a walking tour from zombiebaron? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:08, 31 August 2008 (UTC)

9/4 issue

the latest issue is done. can anyone deliver? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:17, 5 September 2008 (UTC)

I can get it started in about an hour. That alright? –—Hv (talk) 5/09 15:25

I was going to deliver it, but I've had some problems setting up AWB again for some reason. meh. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 15:26, 5 September 2008 (UTC)

that would be great, Hv. thanks. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:38, 5 September 2008 (UTC)

new issue

latest issue is done. can someone deliver? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 22:32, 11 September 2008 (UTC)

Can I deliver the latester issue? Sire それは驚くばかりの性交である!! -4- (23:54 09-18-2008)

this week's issue is actually still a blank template, as i've been swamped at work, and today developed cold-like symptoms. but once it gets done we'll give you a shout. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 02:26, 19 September 2008 (UTC)

Lack of News Wreaks Havoc on USP

News?

Lack of News Wreaks Havoc on UnSignpost

By Regret Tenenbaum

In an unprecedented press conference earlier this week, UnSignpost editor-in-chief, Mr. Gerry Cheevers (the user, not the hockey player), admitted that "This week's issue is actually still a blank template", further stating "I've been swamped at work, and today developed cold-like symptoms", although some experts disagree on the cause of an UnSignpost devoid of news. "There is an obvious explanation for the lack of gratifying news stories in the USP this week," said Mr. News Guy, world-renowned news reporter and unicycle-fetish expert, "There is just no news to report on!" to which the reporter we borrowed from UnNews responded "And what's causing this lack of news?" "That's just it! There's no news to report on!" "So... you're saying is, the reason there's no news is because there's no news?" "Exactly! And it's just a matter of tim until some attention-whore writes a stupid and redundant story on the fact that there's no news!"

This story is dedicated to the memory of Mr. News Guy, who's body was recovered from the Los Angeles river the next day.

look! a signpost!

the signpost is back with a vengeance. can anyone deliver? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:05, 3 October 2008 (UTC)

I could, since methy seems to be on some sort of indefinite sabbatical. Also, what happened to all those bots? -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 23:14, 3 October 2008 (UTC)

News!

SPOONS

By Regret Tenenbaum

'SPOONS - the greatest invention God has ever bestowed upon humanity, have only recently come into appreciative fruition. The recent observance of Rosh Hanashah, the world's first spoon-specific holiday, marked a milestone in the long history of this ever-wondrous eating utensil. And waht better way to show your love for spoons, than re-naming it SPOONPEDIA? DO IT! I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S A MOTHER-FUCKING SPOON! WHERE WOULD MANKIND BE WITHOUT IT? HUH? HUH!? I'm bored. -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 05:03, 4 October 2008 (UTC)

ORIAN

By Orian57

ORIAN - the greatest invention God has ever bestowed upon humanity, has only recently come into appreciative fruition. The recent observance of Orian Fiftysevenina, the world's first Orian-related holiday, marked a milestone in the long history of this ever-wondrous eating machine. And what better way to show your love for Orian, than re-naming it ORIANPEDIA? DO IT! I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S A MOTHER-FUCKING ORIAN! WHERE WOULD MANKIND BE WITHOUT HIM? HUH? HUH!?

I Deserve it! SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 09:44 4 October 2008

He sure does. Let's put it in the next USP! -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 19:33, 4 October 2008 (UTC)

no self-requesting biopics! one week penalty! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:06, 7 October 2008 (UTC)

Aw but RT tried to write about himslef! Besides that was sitire! SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 20:27 7 October 2008

more like crap-tire! seriously, though, you can be next week's. just don't expect anything positive. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:58, 7 October 2008 (UTC)

meh, I can wait my turn, I really wasn't seriously sugesting that I was just poking fun at RT's SPOONS... SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 21:00 7 October 2008

And I was just poking fun at my own incompetence, so... yeah... -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 03:25, 8 October 2008 (UTC)

delivery

new signpost today. who wants to deliver? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:29, 9 October 2008 (UTC)

again

new signpost is ready. can someone deliver? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:43, 17 October 2008 (UTC)

Erm not to be picky or anything but that biopic of me that you put in, I never inted that press room thing to be a biopic I was simply making fun of RT's spoons thing. I mean I think something more like what you did with everyone else's might be better :S if it's not too much trouble. cos that thing makes so little sense... SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 18:52 17 October 2008

noted. i thought it was funny, though. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 20:42, 17 October 2008 (UTC)

Ooh! can I be next? :D -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 05:33, 22 October 2008 (UTC)

where are the bots?! ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!! -- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 22:24, 17 October 2008 (UTC)

ynemehnahemahean. say that 3 times and teh paper shall be delivered. Lieutenant THEDUDEMAN Dude ... Totally UOTM KUN GotA F@H 14:41, 18 October 2008 (UTC)

Extra today?

Anyone interested in writing something about our impending domain change as an extra? I'm surprised that didn't make it into the USP... - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 18:40, Oct 21

Thank you for your suggestion! When you feel an article needs fixin', please feel obligated to make whatever changes you feel are needed, (even though they'll probably be reverted 5 seconds later). Uncyclopedia is a wiki, so almost anyone can edit almost any article by almost simply following the edit link almost at the top. You don't even need to log in in most cases! (Although there are some reasons why you might like to...) The Uncyclopedia Cabal encourages you to be italic. Don't worry too much about making honest mistakes—they're likely to be found and corrected quickly, and your 6 month ban will fly by faster than you think. If you're not sure how editing works, check out proper wiki formatting, or use the sandbox to try out your vandalizing skills.  :p --UU - natter 11:45, Oct 22

^  Occasionally. Maybe.

Dear Unregistered User,

Upon viewing your contributions to Uncyclopedia, I believe that you are special. More special than a regular IP. And no, not in a Jerry's Kids kind of way, my dear Uncyclopedian-to-be: I believe you have what it takes to become a worthwhile human being contributor!

Though it is unlikely that you'll ever even see this message, I am still posting it in the hopes that you shall one day cease your anonymous editing and join our community of circus folk. And why shouldn't you? It's free! It's easy! It'll get you laid CONSTANTLY!^[1]

To join, simply click the Log in/create account button at the top right of your screen, then click Create an account. Follow the instructions and just like that, you've made a name for yourself.

If you need any assistance in the registration process, or in any other facet of Uncyclopedia, let me know on my talk page. Hope to see you soon! ~ 11:50, 22 October 2008 (UTC)

==Welcome!==

Hello, {{subst:BASEPAGENAME}}, and thanks for joining Uncyclopedia! Before editing further, please take a gander at our Beginner's Guide. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, check out the following pages:

• About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
• Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
• Votes for Highlight Page - read the very best articles and have your say about what goes onto our front page

Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

If you need help, feel free to ask me on my talk page, ask at the community forum or in the chatroom, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, our Adopt-a-Noob program can bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian!  SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 11:53 22 October 2008

Sweets!

Erm hey, I'm guessing we're having some sort of Halloween themed UNSP this week/fortnight, so this link might be good to put somewhere maybe. Was just a little holiday thing I made up. Sir Orian57~Sweets~Talk 01:12 31 October 2008

So I was thinking...

Why doesn't the UnSignpost have some sports section listing the epic failures of various sports teams around the world? - Admiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate 17:59, 6 November 2008 (UTC)

Because you haven't written it yet? --UU - natter 09:46, Nov 8

RITE A ARTIKL ABOUT MEEE

HAI UNSINEPOSHT

I CAEM BAK FRUM DA DEAD RECENTLY

I HAEV NOT RECIEVD ENUF ATENSHUN YET

U SHUD MAEK ME LUK PRETY

YAY

P.S.: BRING TEH MUNNY 2 DA PARKY PARK @ 12:00 2MORO OR DA BABI GETS IT

sirsysrq @ 20:28 Nov 6

Might do. Depends. You're not the boss of me. (Not sure about Gerry). --UU - natter 09:48, Nov 8

UnSports - The Beginning

As so expected, I have decided to write an 'UnSports' segment for UnSignpost to make it cooler beyond 9000. Might be neat to have other newspaper columns as well, but hey, what can you do.

---

• NFL - Detroit Lions lost again bringing their record-breaking award-winning losing streak to 9, with their last notable points scored in the 2004 season. Lions followers are confident their team can break through once the team's brains are reverted back to Windows XP Basketball Edition. Big thumbs up and grins boys!
• NHL - Unlike their Lion brethren, the Detroit Red Wings are in the lead, as always. Then again, their conference is full of NHL expansion filler, so what can you expect? But hey, San Jose is up as well, so uh...yeah...good for them. Good for them.
• NBA - LA Lakers are up with no losses in their belt, but anybody east of LA doesn't care anyways. Uhhh....132 points scored by New York...good job guys.
• Football/Soccer - See, there are so many freaking teams and conferences that you just can't keep track of all of them. Then again, Japan beat Syria 3-1. Talk about a non-stop action high-scoring game!
• MLB - Training time, the high-gravity chamber has been set, Goku will be pitching. It's also time to bring in the young blood who will only play 1 game in the 2009 season.

---

Uncyclopedia Downs -

Race 1 - Off at: 4:20 - Age Restriction: Three Year Olds and Upward

Value of Race: $2 - Distance: One And One Sixteenth Furlongs

Surface Type: All Weather Rubberized Track - Track Condition: Xtra Slow

4 - Codeine's Rage - 27.20 - 15.10 - 2.01

6 - Fuck Me in My Ass - / - 4.70 - 3.30

7 - Olipro's Thong - / - / - 2.90

Also ran: 5 - Fisher Price , 1 - I Give Up , 2 - Hi , 3 - KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

- Admiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate 20:23, 13 November 2008 (UTC)