Perhaps the very reason why am I writing the UnSignpost for you this week and that it is unforgivably two days late will be the main topic for this weeks top story. And that is that quite simply, everybody is leaving Uncyclopedia.
Many of our long time users (If you haven't left yourself!) agree that it was Mordillo that started that unfortunate trend way back in March of this year. Of course everyone was saddened we paid our respects and moved on, nobody thought it would expand to the hip new trend it was become. Because quite frankly I personally believe most users are simply leaving us for the lulz.
Which brings us to the question as to why they are all leaving. Whether its because they've finally got a life, a job and a girlfriend or their simply grumpy with us all doesn't matter. What really matters is you're still here which I am very thankful for <3.
Simply because nobody ever submits any story ideas or suggestions like you are supposed it leaves it up to the editor to improvise on the spot. Something which this re-leaving editor is really poor at. Instead he is going to simply whre about how is a better writer than the normal writer.
He is better simply due to his profound ability to whore out two bullshit stories that any sane person could see a blatant attempt to fill empty white space. Partically true I guess. When I got appointed this task by This guy , I though what could I possibly write about? Forest Fire Week? VFS? How the beloved editor won three awards last month? Well quite simply telling the story of how I arrived at this thrilling yet totally stupid story seemed like the obvious alternative, and if you read this whole thing. Hail Frosty!
09:54, August 3, 2011 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (UnSignpost Rule of Bans: every issue contains at least 1 ban entry by ChiefjusticeDS - what a narcissist.)
01:00, August 2, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sanns sock (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (HI SANNSE!)
09:13, July 31, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 months (See you later)
09:04, July 31, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (account creation disabled) (DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU)
00:49, August 2, 2011 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked UPjcm (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes (Not being Zombiebaron: A volunteer bannee for testing! (thanks :))
Lollipop demanded I mention him. Whore to him here.
It is so blatantly obvious that this is the thing to to talk about at the moment, so whilst totally disregarding I may be risking talking about it too much, I give you the latest stats on FFW. Quite sadly I say that our article count as at all time low, if you'll refer to exhibit A on the right you will see where I predict Uncyclopedia will eventually sink.
I asked resident vandaladminDr. Skullthumper about why he instated this controversial act to delete anything the viewer deems shit without a proper vote. He simple replied "Shutup, it's all in the name of progress or whatever that good side is also referred to as. Having a vote would take too long and I like taking shortcuts." You can hardly argue with his ideology and progress. But sadly he disappeared because he fears reprisal from those apposed to the idea.
So as we watch our article count gradually and then catastrophically spiral downwards think to yourself was the FFW a necessary idea? If in a couple of years down the track you find yourself actually having to emerge from your basement and get a job because Uncyclopedia has finally destroyed itself, at least you'll know exactly who to blame.
This is perhaps a story I should included in the last UnSignpost but I was too busy whoring about my pro writing skillz and Chiefs absence. So my apologies to those in charge of what appears to be a pretty cool idea for a writing challenge!
For those of you who don't follow the dump, this is a writing competition organized by the somewhat over the top and insane Joe9320, Aimsplode and until quite recently Shabidoo who appears to have vacated his seat as chairperson for the tournament.
The participants are required to split into teams of three in which they are given a mere 16 days and 12 hours (Yes two weeks wasn't going to work), in which to write as many articles as they can on a summer based theme. Which is to say they will write about booze and sex but I guess the whole summer theme was just a cover for that. The articles are submitted for judging in which the winner will be the judges favorite I guess. To be honest I'm putting it down to the admin team to win simply because they can delete all other entries thus eliminating any competition, but hey that's just speculation.
Because he's either dead or just hating us, the editor special:
08:23, August 7, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 257 seconds (Have a nice cup of mud to celebrate this, the latest of your non-achievements. Also cheers for doing the USP, I liked it because I was in it.)
17:22, August 7, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Human Nutsack (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Trying to archive my talk page for me.)
17:36, August 6, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Olipro (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months (The first rule of the UnSignpost club is that you don't draw attention to my blatant whoring of my hilarious bans, incidentally, I'm putting this one in. Just try and stop me.)
09:35, July 24, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Mikefish (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Masterfully done sir, to top it off perhaps you would like to try dangling your genitals in boiling water, it's great!)
Biopic of the Week
Well he definitely should have seen this coming, so yes I am going to talk to you about the Uncyclopedian called PoopManPoop
For those less important individuals PoopManPoop won noob of the month in June in an absolute landslide crushing all available competition in true Uncyclopedian fashion simply because his name made everybody giggle.
Since then I regret to inform PMP hasn't been very active at all only popping in every few days at best to make a couple of edits and then vanish all over again. I speculate he may be a total IRCfag, which is to say he lives on #uncyclopedia as apposed to doing anything constructive, whilst he simple may have better things to do.
UnSignpost words of the week
Cephalectomy - Total removal of the brain. Yummy!
Gozmesky - The act of impersonating a man from San Marino
Nujpwi - The smell of soiled underwear.
Zaackaus - Used muppet skin.
Zeegoor - T-shirt of a rock group which you are now too embarrassed to wear in public.
A little while ago, when the world was young and we were actually interviewing people instead of making up vaguely racist quotes, the UnSignpost ran a story on the #uncyclopedia IRC channel. At the time we could have raised issues about it being a wholly separate community where the rules of the site blur into a haze of... haziness, but we didn't; we were far too busy making jokes about penises and the abundance of jokes on the same to be found on IRC. Now, once again, IRC has been thrust into the limelight and a great deal of hand-wringing and swearing has inevitably been the consequence.
Yes, this is the news that once again the cruel spectre of drama hovers above the wiki as Lyrithya has decided that there are several problems that need addressing. Number one: she would like a trip to Europe but doesn't have the disposable income, number 2: Uncyclopedia sucks , number 3: there are not enough forum topics about problem number two. She has set out to remedy the horrendous forum deficiency by creating two with deceptively enjoyable titles. The serious point to these forums revolves around the accountability of the administrators, which Lyrithya feels there is not enough of. The forum topics are the usual; huge blocks of text with no humorous comments about the Power Rangers anywhere in sight. It's all very sad and will probably end with someone leaving and vowing never to return.
The other vitally important news is that Zombiebaron reports that the Forest Fire Week huffing has finished, a full two weeks after Forest Fire Week finished. When asked to comment on the less than speedy huffage of all these articles, Zombiebaron had this to say: "Zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron! Zombiebaron?" which surprised us since we didn't even know he played the violin. Now all that we need to attend to are the thousands and thousands of broken redirects which MadMax spent countless hours creating to make everyone's lives easier. Now he has the honour of watching them be destroyed in the name of making the wiki better.
It is with great sadness that we report that our long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin Roman Dog Bird has apparently left for some reason, a departure he announced with a rather dramatic yawn, a shame, as his ban reasons are probably the closest things to actual humour we have on Uncyclopedia. This reporter in particular found his often unjustified bannings of IPs, deletions of memorable pages and general disrespect for authority truly inspiring.
On a side note, RAHB decided to return this week as part of a poorly concealed attempt to cover up the disappearance of another partially departed admin, Dr. Skullthumper. We would like to encourage all readers to welcome RAHB back by telling him how much Frank Zappasucks on his talk page; apparently he likes that.
00:13, August 14, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes (Let's see if I still know how to joke ban...ummm....penis.)
09:16, August 14, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 Days (Ironic that you have a link to an IQ test, since you seem like a complete idiot)
02:40, July 4, 2011 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Skully made me op for 5 minutes to ban you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
12:48, August 15, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 seconds (Only I am permitted to whore my bans in the UnSignpost, it's safest for everyone that way.)
02:29, August 17, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (a terminal case of faggot fever)
Biopic of the Week
Uncyclopedia get its fair share of users that come and go, as well as its fair share of users who simply turn into VFD lurkers and IRC In-jokes. As such, it is high time we discussed a certain user who fits both categories. Yes, it's Bizzeebeever's turn to be the subject of this week's biopic!
Bizzeebever originally joined us in late June, and was quite a silly n00b, but like many, after being repeatedly hit in the head with a hammer he sort of grew up a bit began to earn his keep. Now he can be seen loitering around VFD and IRC clutching his head; it's okay, Bizzeebeever, we're done hurting you. For now.
If you'd like to congratulate him on how far he's come, go ahead; just don't take a hammer or he'll probably run away.
Birthday of the week
ChiefjusticeDS's birthday was on Tuesday. He celebrated by getting hit in the head with a brick.
FACTS! Did you know:
...that work is the curse of the drinking class?
...that sometimes violence is the answer, albeit a very violent one?
In an entirely precedented move, Illogicopedia has yet again stolen our proud Uncyclopedian traditions. Yes, they've finally done it, they've finally taken for their own everything that we at the UnSignpost proudly stood for, making a mockery of our fine establishment by starting up their own newspaper, the Illogicopedian Times. Or restarting, really; Readmesoon et all managed to put out a whole three issues in 2009 before getting arrested for snorting bumblebees or something, or whatever Illogicopedians do in their spare time, so technically the current is a continuation of that.
But even more shocking than that, the Illogicpedia Times is doing well; after the announcement of its revival with the release of a dummy issue and a call for contributors, Illogicopedians have actually been contributing. Almost immediately two new issues were created; while these two were both a little too well-done for a proper ?pedian publication, the worst bits were merged into the first new issue, which has already been released to tremendous apathy on their end, and outrage on ours. But this was plural Illogicopedians, unlike the usually singular Uncyclopedian or two who invariably finds itself desperately floundering for topics to write about for our publications, and as we all know, nothing ever even happens on ?pedia, so how do they do it? What are we doing wrong?
The answer, my friends, is nothing. We aren't doing anything wrong; they simply stole all our ideas and used those to write their own, and having not written any of their own in so long, they had all our back issues to comb. We suggest going to Readmesoon's talkpage and mocking him and the other editors thoroughly when they inevitably run out of said ideas to steal; it shouldn't take terribly long seeing as we never really had many to begin with.
Due to a recent shortage of plumbers, some of the urinals in the men's restroom have been backing up. As such, we at the UnSignpost would like to urge all readers to tread carefully in there, and if possible, try to lend a hand in the clean up.
More news to come as the situation becomes more dire.
04:20, August 19, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Eblog.net (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (email@example.com)
20:55, August 20, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Uncyclopedia sucks hard (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (you suck hard. no, harder. harder than that. come onnnnn, give me more... jesus, is that the best you can do? no wonder your boyfriend won't talk to you.)
07:38, August 22, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked AssassinNips (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (I love shit as much as the next guy. Sometimes I even like to use it in the shower in lieu of soap. But when you start getting into smelling it....you're just weird, man.)
11:40, August 21, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (If you come near me I'll rip your nipples off)
06:38, August 23, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (I was only following orders)
Frosty would like you all to know that on the 27th, he will have completed his first year on Uncyclopedia. He seems to want gifts. He also seems to think he's the new UnSignpost editor, little realising that the old UnSignpost editor never left. Not the writer; that lovely fellow is currently on vacation. But his editor is still here and demands that Frosty either put on the leather chicken suit NOW and submit before her giant banana or... well, actually, he doesn't really have much choice in the matter. Poor dear. If only he'd known what he was getting into. Happy birthday?
I seriously spent hours racking my brains trying to think of what to write for the damn UnSignpost! I mean I sat here full on thinking I wasn't going to get this all set for delivery on time. So I put this to you, as the new editor:
Start sending in idea, or no UnSignpost next week!