An Endzone Victory Dance From Your New Overlord
- By EMC
Hi, I'm EMC, your family-friendly fascist and tyrant. Having been at Uncyclopedia for almost six years, I have seen some shit. A lot of it I can't talk about because of some gag orders which are still in effect. Some of it I don't want to talk about because even thinking about it gives me sympathy pains in my groin.
But one thing I had never seen before was me becoming an administrator. One month ago, this was something which only happened in my wettest of dreams. Thanks to my mother's influence, I was able to win the VFS. Once this happened, I felt obligated to write this UnSignpost piece about this extraordinary blessing known as me.
I will start from the beginning and finish at the end. I was born just like everyone else. Sometime shortly after that, I discovered Uncyclopedia. Six years later, I became an administrator. As you can see, my life can be summed up as a series of successes followed by more success.
I invite you all to follow the example I have set for you in my years of
servicing Uncyclopedians serving Uncyclopedia. I can assure you that a life in service to Uncyclopedia will become a life full of attractive foreign women consenting to your penis without the inducement of money. Be more like me: Get born. Discover Uncyclopedia. Become an admin. Make a USP article about yourself.
Success awaits you, especially if you are me.
A New Beginning for the Beginner's Guide
- By EMC
If you take a whiff around, you can smell many parts of Uncyclopedia rotting away, such as neglected projects like UnPoetia or those meme-filled articles featured eons ago. And just look at all of that dust on the HTBFANJS!
But of the many things which suck and need major fixing, the Beginner's Guide is no longer one of them.
Thanks to the efforts of Shabidoo and this USP article's author, the Beginner's Guide is now navigable and comprehensible. Users are no longer overwhelmed by stubs stuffed between unnecessarily long calculus equations or whatever the hell was going on with that thing before. Readers do not have to flip through using the "Next page" button. Instead, the new guide can be navigated with its template or its overview page, which now only have six relevant links instead of thirty-thousand and five irrelevant links.
What preceded this and highlighted the necessity for rewriting the guide was the simplification of our UnNews guide and welcome message. It's a well-established fact that reading bores people. Giving people less stuff to read when they first join Uncyclopedia, experts say, increases the likelihood that new users will not only be less bored, but that they might actually read the Beginner's Guide/welcome message/UnNews guide and become worthwhile contributors/get banned less often. And at the end of the day, that's what it's all about.
Biopic of the Week
Tompkins is a retired admin who hasn't edited the site since 2007. This Iowan left Uncyclopedia to pursue a lucrative career in tipping cows (which we think is a euphemism) and designing corn palaces across the Midwest. Uncyclopedia's head office in Pyongyang has received several explicit postcards from him since 2007, all of which express deep regret at having left Uncyclopedia. Through these postcards Tompkins has told us that he hates his life and that leaving Uncyclopedia is the worst thing anyone could ever do, and that he advises anyone considering leaving to reconsider their consideration. In summation, Tompkins is a good example of why you should never leave Uncyclopedia or live in Iowa.
27 June 2009
Failure University (officially abbreviated FU, with sincerest regrets) is a fully self-accredited coeducational Internet-based university. Founded in 2006, it endeavours to provide advanced degrees to the mentally and financially underprivileged — namely those persons who were too dim to be matriculated by a standard college or university, and whose parents were too poor to build a new engineering building or add a wing to the campus library.