Fantasy Football Draft Finished
- By Guildensternenstein
After four weeks of red-hot eight-man free fantasy football league draft action, the first Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League (UFFL) Draft is finally at a close: Uncyclopedia regular and DiBiase's Millions general manager The Woodburninator made Arizona Cardinals' Kicker Neil Rackers Mr. Irrelevant on the afternoon of August 21th, 2009, a mere 26 hours after the previous pick had been made. Afterward, League Commissioner and noted Nazi sympathizer Guildensternenstein promised to make all subsequent Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League official actions run much more smoothly. He vowed he would "put the drafted players on their respective fantasy teams" at some point "after I'm done writing this story for the UnSignpost and before I go see Inglorious Bastards later tonight."
The draft itself was varied, and picks ranged from the predictable (Vikings' running back Adrian Peterson taken first overall) to the even more predictable (Falcons' running back Michael Turner taken with second overall pick) to the fairly predictable (Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady being the first three quarterbacks taken) to the downright wild. Notable steals include Guildy's nabbing of Chris Johnson in Round 5, Woody's snagging of Aaron Rodgers in Round 6, and Bradaphraser's criminal steal of Dallas tight end Jason Witten. For every good pick, there was a bad one, however: in moves that would make Al Davis proud, LongLiverh3 took Philadelphia's No. 3 receiver while their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were still on the board, made 30th ranked tight end L.J. Smith the second overall tight end picked, and made Baltimore QB Joe Flacco his backup quarter back while the likes of Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were still available. LongLiver could not be reached for comment.
Zombiebaron unsubscribes from UnSignpost delivery; Editor
s grovels to get him back
- By The Woodburninator
3:25 A.M. (Eastern Time), August 23, 2009. In a move that surprised.... well, at least one person, Zombiebaron decided that he was much too good to receive the
only #1 Uncyclopedia Newspaper, the Unsignpost. No warning, no nothing. One day we were best buds, laughing it up, me writing articles, he laughing at reading what I wrote. The next day, WHAM! He decides he is sooooo much better than our friendship, and RUINED EVERYTHING! I don't understand why you did this Zombiebaron! Was I not good enough? Did the temporary loss death of Gerrycheevers affect you too much? You want Gerry back, I know it! Well, why don't you just go get him back then?! You don't love me, and you never did. Always, 'Gerry This,' and 'Gerry That.' Well, I'm sitting right here in front of you, trying my best! All this time, I've been writing for you Zombiebaron, and you hit me with this! Sure, I can't be Gerry, but who can? Can't I be good enough for you?
Look Zombiebaron, I just want you back. All will be forgiven. I just want you back. Can't you even give me a reason?! So much history between us, and you go and leave with nothing but an "I just did that." That's low man, low. Look, it's just been hard, you know. Gerry left, said he would work on the post when he could, but he hasn't been around man. And I miss him, and now you too Zombiebaron? I don't know if I can handle the loss of both of you at the same time. Just... give me another week. I'll write funnier! I'll be smarter! I'll actually finish the post on time..... well, maybe not that last one. I'm not a miracle worker man. But I am truthful, and warm, and cuddly. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about? I love you man. Not in the way a man loves a woman, but like a man loves another man. Sexually. Just... just think about it man. I miss you.
|From our logs:
- 12:30, 16 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking pages makes baby jesus cry. it also gets your ass banned. maybe one or the other of those things will convince you not to do it again)
- 10:55, 18 August 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 days (so you let me look like an ignorant baffoon for 18 days? What kind of SLA is that?)
- 11:02, 18 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 hours (it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. America happily let George Bush look like an ignorant buffoon for 2 terms of office, for example...)
|Biopic of the Week
Only include if it's Thursday!