Sycamore: How does he do it? An UnSignpost Special Investigation
Sycamore. What words waft gently into the back garden of your mind when you hear that word? "Tree", perhaps, or "unusual, propeller-style seeds", if you're of a naturalistic bent. Maybe (although we admit it is highly unlikely), the words "song by really obscure Scottish rock band Deckard" will sneak in under the fence. But for those of an Uncyclopedia nature (and let's face it, that should include all those reading this, or the paperbot's malfunctioning again), the words are likely to include: "Scottish"; "omnipresent"; "recent changes fiend"; "reviewer extraordinaire"; "categories"; "ban patrol"; or possibly "who?" if you're out of the loop.
But who is this masked Celt? Well, since changing identity from MMACKNIGHT in March 2008, he's racked up an impressive 18,000 edits (or he will have by the time this paper is actually delivered - it's hanging at 17.940-odd at the time of typing). Many of these edits have been thanklessly categorising pages, voting for deletion, reverting and ban patrolling - the kind of soul-crushing work, in other words, that would sap the will to live of the average individual, but not our Syc.
His efforts have not gone un-noticed. Indeed, he's been re-nommed for Uncuclopedian of the Month, even though he's already won the award. And despite the understandable reluctance of the non-existent cabal to swell their non-existent ranks, there is a small but significant groundswell of opinion gathering that this should be followed by the bestowing of a Banhammer on
the cheery Caledonian.
All of this is interesting, of course, and handily fills up column inches in this week's issue, but it doesn't answer the burning question: how does he do it?
Once again spending no expense on uncovering the truth, your fearless UnSignpost has the answers, and they lie in his welcome message, and a gratuitous stereotype of his nationality. Yes, Jaffa Cakes and Irn Bru are the fuel of choice of this salutary Scot, and it would appear that the chemical reaction of these two volatile substances in his bloodstream creates an energy level easily the equivalent of at least a small-to-medium Hadron Collider. This is sufficient to cause in him a state not unequivalent to that Scientific Holy Grail, perpetual motion. So there you go kids: that's how he does it!
Warning: Your safety-conscious UnSignpost would like to point out that Irn Bru is only known to have this beneficial effect on Scots. Those from less tartan countries would be advised to steer well clear - don't try this at home, kids!
From the Cabal's desk
Greeting citizens. This post does not exist. We are not addressing you from this paper. We do not exist. We do not sit in dark corners, smoking expensive cigars and smirk when we see you make mistakes. Mistakes on this site do not exist. We do not watch your every step with our ban hammers poised for actions. Mainly because your edits don't exist. We are not tired by your petty dramas and wonder when will you write some new classics. Simply because you do not exist. You are not reading this post. We will not meet again next week. This was not the cabal's weekly address to the citizenry. Keep the peace, obey the cabal. The cabal is your friend.
|From our logs BUMPER SPECIAL:
- 07:24, 3 December 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You've got to stop taking vacations like this. They get in the way of the valuable contributions you make to our site.)
- 00:40, 3 December 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Fat hideous cunt (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Codeine why are you using socks to vandalize us)
- 18:25, 2 December 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (We love niggers. My best friend is a nigger. My wife is a nigger. And when I have a son, I hope he'll be a nigger rather than an IP)
- 19:57, 1 December 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Regardless of what your girlfriends may have told you, orgasms are real)
- 18:18, 1 December 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Codeine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a Country/Folk musician (When I see your name on my block log, I think of a song lyric by Townes van Zandt, if that means anything.)
- 18:03, 1 December 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a penis (When I see your name in my watchlist, I think of penis. And that's not always a good thing.)
- 21:03, 30 November 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Sycamore (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds (That's for editing a year old topic and making RAHB think there was actually something exciting happening. Bastard.)
- 20:37, 30 November 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Sycamore (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds (That's for editing a year old topic and making me think there was actually something exciting happening. Bastard.)
|Biopic of the Week|
There's beautiful, there's downright gorgeous, and then, beyond even that, there's Prettiestpretty. Blessed with writing talent to rival her boundless good looks, she has edified us on the delights of the Queef, the significance of the Colossus of Barbie, and much more besides. Long may she lend her grace to Uncyc!
|Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week
Tact: Actually, I think your religion is utterly ridiculous, and you're pretty stupid for believing in it.