Uncyclopedia Stock Plummets
- By Gerrycheevers
Uncyclopedia stockholders are in a state of panic after shares of Uncyclomedia fell over 60% this week amid fears of a writing recession. "I just can't gamble on a rebound," said one investor as he carefully climbed out onto his window ledge overlooking Wall Street, perhaps seeking some fresh air. "With the current economic and comedic climate, and rumors of the destruction of the website, it looks like Uncyc Incorporated is about to fold."
Other investors are slightly more optimistic. We ran into a smartly dressed woman in the Uncyc break room and were intrigued as to why a female would ever have enough confidence in the wiki to invest the large sum of one dollar bills she was counting. It turned out that she was a stripper, but we did eventually find someone who still had faith in the company.
"There's so much more to the Uncyclopedia Empire than just the humor wiki," said confident money-man Chet Hardluck. "There's the kitten factory, the escort service, the games & sports division...and don't forget the world's largest boron-smelting plant!" When it was pointed out that these claims are in fact bollocks (except for the boron plant), Hardluck joined the queue of businessmen waiting their turn to get some frsh air on the suddenly popular ledge.
The fate of the Uncyclopedia corporation remained unclear at press time. Some say that if Uncyc stock plummets through enough negative numbers, the stock will reset itself at zero, resulting in huge negative negative profits for those who bought the stock whilst it was negative.
Uncyclopedia announces invasion of YouTube
This week the first UnTunes was uploaded onto YouTube, the video sharing site so weighed down by copyright infringements that it certainly would not float in the tub. Our staff couldn't be bothered to watch the video, but we assume from the description of the foray that it is some sort of archival recordings of Oscar Wilde being awesome.
The first upload began a series of incursions onto YouTube by all types of Uncyclopedians. Some made sense, such as article narrations and UnTunes. Some were questionable, such as the gangsta rap video by the usually timid Sycamore. But nearly 99% of all material in the 'Uncyclopedia' category is patent nonsense, such as a visualization of AAAAAAA!, faceoffs between George Bush & Kanye West and Steve Ballmer & various other injokes, and a 'don't blink contest' featuring Gert5 staring into a camera for nine hours.
|From our logs:
- 17:23, 4 October 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked AdamtheSpud (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Thou shalt not create stupid MySpace vanity; nor shalt thou spam links to it across the site, lest ye be smited)
- 02:00, 6 October 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked 100100100 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Jesus rang. He hates you for blanking your neighbor's article. Also, he says he caught you mastrubating the other day. They're reserving a spot in the ninth circle of hell for you. Enjoy!)
- 23:50, 6 October 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Excuse me my kind sir, but may I please ask of you what the fuck you're doing?)
|Old-School Featured Article of the Week
The Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon Championships is an annual Swedish tradition dating back to simpler times, when the joy of launching rodents into a lake could light up the face of the young and old alike. However, protests and scandals have recently threatened this once-great occasion, and interest has dwindled to the point where the land of Sweden is once again littered with unlaunched rats.