Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But don't worry, Qua (Uncyclopedia's shittiest n00b) and half of YTTE have taken over UnSignpost, well...until Cajek gets unbanned.
Qua, who is currently in a state of shock, said that "Cajek was a good guy, I didn't expect him to get banned for a month. He was about to help me, I don't know what he was going to help me with but he was going to help me with something.". Many Uncyclopedians that are known have a hold a grudge against Cajek celebrated his recent ban saying "While he might be back in only a month, we should take the time to celebrate and rejoice a Cajek-free environment."
It has been reported that Flumpa, Uncyclopedia's very own pimply faced ginger-nut has left Uncyclopedia forever, due to irreconcilable differences. He cites the banning of users, fights between the two, the treatment of IP's as "real people" and the lack of cookies in mommas cookie jar.
One of our reporters spoke to Flumpa as he was packing his wagon to leave Uncyclopedia "I like the holding hands and the fairy floss but Sophia has icky wiki germs and I just couldn't get past that. However I hear this new EDwina down the street is available, she may play in mud but I hear she has yummy yummy cookies."
127.0.0.1, leader of the "IPs are Real People, Too" Foundation had said that "Flumpa makes some great points on IP treatment, such as telling them that behind that string of random numbers lies an actual person; A person with heart. A person with brain. A person with spleen." When asked whether he would share his hard earned money on a badge from the Keep-the-IP's-out-of-Bannation-Foundation, this reporter simply told them to bugger off and get their own alcohol addiction gawdammit! We do, however, wish Flumpa the best of luck as he travels across the wiki-street with his trademarked brand of Off-topic forums to meet this EDwina fellow.
We at the UnSignpost would like to remind all Uncyclopedian editors that June is Internet safety month. Through the efforts of Uncyclopedia and other sites across the Internet, we can help protect innocent children and frail grandmothers from seeing offensive content SCROTUM Uhm, we're sorry about that. The editor that wrote that previous sentence has been fired, in accordance with the rules of Internet safety month. UnSignpost would like to remind all editors to use extra padding in tables, because we don't want the little kiddies touching the sharp edges and getting hurt. As per Internet safety month, all uploaded porn will be closely monitored to see if the models are engaging in safe fucking. I mean sex. SEX! I meant SEX! We apologize for the previous two editors. They have been shot, out in the hallway, in the most safe method possible, we assure you. We even laid out cushions for them to fall on. Anyway, Websense and other Internet blocking sites will up its sensors to block over 99.99% of the Internet. What will remain is available is the Wikipedia article "Frog", weather.com, and anything unblocked in China.
We at UnSignpost wish you a happy Internet safety month, and hope that you stay safe. Remember to always use a firewall.
This column has been blocked by Websense. Websense has blocked this column for the following reason: This column contains "humor".
Finals approach for student-Uncyclopedians, procrastination triples
Difficult times lie ahead for schoolbound Uncyclopedians. A series of semi-challenging tests lie in the near future for many, and everyone's workload seems to be growing. Unfortunately for Uncyclopedians, finals are nearly here.
However, luckily for Uncyclopedia, finals are almost here! This means that, as procrastination rates skyrocket, Uncyclopedia activity grows proportionally. Haven't been studying for your math final? Those fancy words mean that Uncyclopedia usage is going up, just as teachers pull out their hair worrying about keeping their kids' averages above the department bottom line so they can keep their jobs.
However, here at UnSignpost and Uncyclopedia, we pride ourselves on allowing for multi-tasking. So, here is a series of brief study guides that are pretty much all you need:
Science: For this final, you will be asked questions about science. However, simply remember a few facts, and your science final will be a breeze. These include remembering that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny, pyruvate and phosphofruktokinase function as glycolytic enzymes, and the kidneys are located three ribs up from the malnuric sphincter.
Math: Just prove to your teacher that 1=2, and any answer you give is automatically right.
English: ENGLISH, MOFO, DO YOU SPEAK IT?
History: To pass this, just try to remember a few important dates: 622BC, 394BC, 211BC, 5BC, 11AD, 24AD, 300AD, 906AD, 1102AD, 1619AD, 1791AD, 1963AD, and 2012AD.
Tech. Ed.: Basically, you take a saw and cut shit up. Fucking A.
Music class: Try not to fail and blow any notes. You'd sure look like a real tool, then, huh.
Art: Just explain to your teacher how deep and misunderstood you are, and paint your feelings. Take a few pictures with a black and white camera setting and write a few "dark" poems, and if your teacher knows how often you cry then you'll have an easy A.
Foreign language: THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN!
Gym: If you're really planning on studying for this final, then only God can help you now.
An article by Zombiebaron has caused a huge feud between the all-powerful admins that could ban me again. Thekillerfroggy has charged that the "Nonsense Watermelon Catastrophe" was not newsworthy enough, while Zombiebaron charges that the article is newsworthy, and therefore should not be deleted. In the fight, many people have cried "drama" and run for their lives.
"Oh, this is deliiiicious!" said resident fucktard Drama. We spoke to Drama in his white linoleum mansion. He stopped seductively petting his gay snow leopard long enough to talk to us. "I loooove drama. I want their drama dripping all over my linoleum castle. I want their orgasmic screams of anger to rattle the walls! What do you think, Puffles?"
"Oohh, puurrrrr" said Puffles.
Some of the more regular users have claimed that the drama will bring unwanted side effects. RAHB has recently said to one of our reporters: "Remember, when there's drama, Ljlego touches himself." [Ed note: he said that on IRC, I swear. to. god. ban: banbanban.]
Zombiebaron, an administrator who just happens to be a spectre of the unwept dead, spoke at his crypt this Tuesday dressed in his ceremonial black and red robes: "Hhhgggrrrr, I do not like speaking to the public: They give me a rash. As far as how random uncyclopedia is, we have two admins who are a balloon and a frog, so my article is perfect. The drama will not be settled until I taste the frog's flesh. Suffffeeeerrrrrr..."
The Killer Froggy issued a statement soon after, with his frog army in the background: "ribbit? RIBBIT! ribbit. ribbit ribbit ribbit!" Both administrators have promised to ban the poor, misunderstood writer of this article if their statements were printed, but that's the risk we take to bring you the news. That's just how cool we are.
Drama is the real winner here. As of this printing, he is planning to buy his gay snow leopard a fluffy red cape with the profits. And remember: every time there's drama, Ljlego touches himself. I'm not fucking kidding. He's all like, "oh yeah, oh, oh yeah I love you drama" and they're both in the love coven, snugglin' n' shit. I have pictures, guys! I swear it's totally ins AS OF THIS PARAGRAPH, CAJEK HAS BEEN BANNED INDEFINITELY.
09:42, 5 June 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Bringing Uncyclopedia in to disrepute (or even further into? whatever.))
15:33, 5 June 2008 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days (time served already.....reduced sentence)
13:42, 4 June 2008, TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Sorry, you're too dumb to edit this wiki. You can come back when you grow a brain.)
12:35, 4 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 47 seconds (ZOMG LINKIN' SHOCK BANBANBANBANBAN)
03:55, June 10, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (TAGLOG MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK TAGLOG?!)
20:07, June 10, 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes (Are you ban hunting or something?)
05:56, June 11, 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (You fail at funny. Read HTBFANJS. Slowly. Then copy it out 100 times in longhand and maybe, *maybe* I'll let you edit here again.))
Biopic of the Week
127.0.0.1 ~ Quite possibly the greatest IP that has ever lived. He is literally everywhere at once. He is in your computer, destroying it bit by bit. He is in your living room, eating your Flamin' Hot Cheetos. He is in your bedroom possibly getting laid. He is in every room you could possibly think of. All Hail 127.0.0.1!!!
UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week:
"Can-in-the-pan" ~ Showcasing the unerring ability of the British to come up with expressions that bear no connection whatsoever to the item or act they're describing, this is used by the Cornish to refer to a somersault. A small template glorious prize is on offer to the person who comes up with the best suggestion as to why. Answers on a postcard to UU's talk page.
Page Quote of the Week:
Oswald's guilt was assured when he was witnessed running the 397 yards from the Book Depository Building and began teabagging the PresidentWarren Commission
Best New Article of the Week:
That Guy Standing Behind You with the Freakin' Huge Chainsaw, no words can sum up how incredibly good this article is. It tells this story about a guy who wasn't cared for who started chopping things up with a chainsaw. Sure some critics are skeptical but we at the UnSignpost think this is the best new article yet. Well until it gets deleted of course.
Article of the week:
That one written by Cajek all the way at the bottom was pretty damn good. I love articles that have references to sex in 'em. I don't have much to do in this trailer, and when I see a reference to sex it's like my pants fly. off. It's okay, the cats don't understand what's going on. Well, the dogs and the chimp may understand but they're not complainin'. Nope, reading Uncyclopedia articles gets me too hot to care about social constraints.