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Wednesday, July 18, 2018, 06:44:59 (UTC)

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SpacePuppet1
Washington, USA -- United States President Donald Trump announced he is forming a sixth branch of the military: the Space Force. "We must have dominance in space," said the president. "That's a big statement."

“We are going to have the Air Force and we are going to have the Space Force. Separate, but equal. Like whites stay in Trump Tower, and Mexicans live in tent cities. Separate but equal. It is going to be something. Full story»


HarryPotterFilm1
Windsor, England -- Prince Harry Potter, sorcerer in chief of modern literature, finally married his congenial literary female fighter for the good, Miss Meghan Marple -aka - the Granny Sleuth, shortly after he accidentally had spirited his first wife Ginny Weasley away into the harem of an unknown Arab sheik who won't give her back no more. The age gap between the couple - Potter is now in his early 20s and Marple is closer to 90 - has not been an issue. Full story»
TrumpMerkel1
Quebec City, Canada German Chancellor Angela Merkel is still in Canada after USA President Donald Trump Super Glued her hands to the table. Other world leaders were able to escape Trump's prank when he covered a white table cloth in superglue.

The meeting of the G7 had already run into difficulty when Trump had asked why his best mate Russian President Vladimir Putin. He accused British Prime Minister Theresa May of being a 'petty school mistress'. Full story»


Crazyhorse
New York USA -- Justify has won the Belmont Stakes convincingly and by so doing has also won American thoroughbred racing’s Triple Crown. He is only the 13th horse to earn that honor although that figure does not include several NASCAR racers and one very fast chicken.

His jockey Mike Smith stated, "In my humble estimation, 'twas was an estimable victory for this exceptional equine specimen, thus giving the lie to his earlier detractors. This is quite the felicitous occasion." Justify’s trainer Bob Baffert stated, "[Phony humility statement] [something about how great the horse is] [well-worn platitude] [stupid joke]". Full story»

TrumpJongUn
Singapore -- North Korea's leader Kim Jong-un has joined Celebrity Dictator in a special ceremony. The show's creator and host Donald Trump who also happens to be President of the United States said it was a 'great honour' to have Kim in the show.

The decision to invite Kim Jong-un happened when Trump decided the young dictator had shown enough despotic ability to be eligible. As Celebrity Despot's host-for-life, Trump says he had been eyeing the potential of Kim Jong-un for sometime. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights July 18


Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.