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Where man always bites dog

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Sunday, January 22, 2017, 19:06:59 (UTC)

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Buffetrumphair
OMAHA, Nebraska -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Gazillionaire Warren Buffett praised Donald Trump's picks for the Cabinet, saying, "The CEO should have the ability to pick people that help you run a place." If he picks wrong, Buffett said, "He should pick again," radioactivity being very easy to clean up, these days.

Buffett confirmed that this praise extended to nominating someone to head an agency who hates all its programs and wants to fire all its people. Full story»

MARINELLO, Italy -- A hair dryer designed by Ferrari is turbo-boosting prospective petrol-headshauteur by bringing “the essence of Formula One” to their Chantilly dressing tables.

Babyliss and Ferrari have joined G-forces to create a new era in professional styling. It is the hottest thing since Maybeline’s “duel-fuel” car and bollock wax. Full story»


Spacexlaunch
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CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida -- NASA is planning a mission to Psyche, orbiting between Mars and Jupiter, which is made up of iron, nickel and gold.

The iron alone, worth $10,000 quadrillion, would cause the economy to promptly collapse altogether, as the spot price of the shiny stuff would plunge down the number line into negative numbers. Full story»

Spacexlaunch
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LONDON -- Prime Minister Theresa May has launched her “Global Britain” campaign, by firing a space rocket towards the centre of the galaxy, as part of a potential trade deal with aliens from outer space, so as not to have to take aliens into the UK.

The campaign is turning to the Wolf-Rayet Cluster in Sagittarius A, where the pound has been rallying against the Ascellian Zeuro. Full story»


StevieandMichelle
NEW YORK CITY -- Michelle Obama was left teary-eyed after Stevie Wonder revealed a steamy affair with the outgoing First Lady. "I love you Michelle," the music legend crooned.

Clearly, somebody was going to be in serious trouble for not telling Wonder he was on television. Full story»

Ali Baba
TRUMP TOWER, New York -- Donald Trump met with Ali Baba, an Arabian woodcutter, who promised to bring one million "e-commerce" jobs to America.

Mr. Baba said farmers and clothing makers could tap e-shoppers from China, from out-of-the-way places like Indiana, which used to produce air conditioners. Each American company would have to add one employee each to fill out new federal export forms, resulting in the national total of one million. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights January 22


Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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