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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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Thursday, March 23, 2017, 12:19:59 (UTC)

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Chuck Barris
PALISADES, New Jersey -- Chuck Barris has passed on at the age of 87.

The creator of The Dating Game and The Newlywed Game suffered from failing eyesight and surely mistook last Saturday's obituary of Chuck Berry for his own, a prophecy that self-fulfilled almost immediately. Berry was the rock-and-roll pioneer who rode a standard eight-bar blues format with tiny differences onto the Top Forty about 6 dozen times. His only television hit was The Jailbait Game. Full story»

Merkel und Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The House Intelligence Committee met on whether Donald Trump is making a damn fool of himself, after a Hawaii judge ruled that Trump already made such a damn fool of himself that one hardly need read the text of his Executive Order.

Trump has tweeted that "Obama 'wiretapped' me." In contrast, the New York Times reported that Russia had thrown the U.S. election, abetted by Trump, but the Times has evidence — any day now — that could explain why it knows what Trump says within seconds of him hanging up the phone. Full story»

LONDON, UK -- Her Majesty is still in the running for longest serving monarch in recorded history, in spite of the head start of some kings or queens who went straight from the high chair to the throne. Yet this supreme honor may still be snatched from her still mighty grasp.

Code words have been devised that will be whispered in ears throughout the realm to forestall the unseemly bawling and self-harm that break out in the less civilized countries upon the passing of the big cheese. Full story»

180px-Rubiks cube scrambled
CAPE KENNEDY, Florida -- NASA has used its Deep Space Center in California, where 70-meter antennas and Hollywood stars channel extraterrestrials, to find a lost lunar orbital for the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO).

ISRO was short on cash because it was all in the old 500- and 1,000-rupee notes that Narendra Modi called in last year. By the time ISRO finally found an ATM with new 2,000s in it, Ersatz-5 had disappeared. Full story»

Pink traffic light
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Australia has installed female traffic signals to combat "unconscious bias" against women.

The Committee for Melbourne, which will pay the $8,400 bill generated for every six signals replaced, says that artists don't come cheap if they can draw breasts on the stick figures in the city's Ped Xing signs without making them look saggy or fake. Full story»

Enda Kenny joining Irish Travellers
DUBLIN, Ireland -- Enda Kenny has followed his official declaration to give legal minority status to Irish Travellers with a decision to become a member of that minority, saying it will help him administer his minority government.

Kenny already had a mobile phone and is acquiring a mobile home to get acquainted with other members of his adopted minority. He will travel all over Ireland, occasionally offering to repair pots and pans, and using travelling txt mssgng to stay in touch with government ministers. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights March 23

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program

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