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Monday, May 2, 2016, 19:28:59 (UTC)

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Trump Sieg Heil
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The rest of the world was horrified as U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump "pivoted" from churl to statesman, not just suddenly using a teleprompter but making the novel claim that American foreign policy should pursue America's interests.

Trump has said he intends to act more "presidential" and provide a "disciplined foreign policy," which would mean he would not call foreign adversaries names as he has called domestic ones. Full story»

CHONGQING, China -- The new Chinese riot-control robot, known as “AnBot,” has robbed a garage and gone on the run, only hours after being presented to the public at the Chongqing Hi-Tech Fair.

Police have suspended the Duracell Desperado from the force and advised the public that, although there is nothing to worry about, they should "shelter in place" until further notice. Full story»

Carly Fiorina
SEATTLE, Washington -- Helpful University of Washington advice on what qualities are appreciated in cheerleaders has unleashed a tempest of protest.

The message that a cheerleader should look like a ... well .. cheerleader was offensive to Cicero Buttweasel, a leading intellectual light on another campus some 2000 miles away. Full story»

LONDON, United Kingdom -- British Astronaut Tim Peake has inspired millions of UK sports fans to run the London Marathon from their living room sofas.

As Mr Peake is completing the 26.2 mile course while strapped to a treadmill, millions of Britons will join him, aiming for a minimum time of three hours of uninterrupted sofa-time. Full story»

Cruz with halo
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Presidential campaign of Ted Cruz announced that it plans to lose in Oregon and New Mexico, while Kasich will "mail it in" in Indiana. Neither campaign mentioned the Northeast, where both are certain to lose this Tuesday even without coordinating.

Denying Donald Trump a 1,237-vote majority on the first ballot in Cleveland would open the door for wheeling, dealing, back-stabbing, and treachery, the fields at which Republicans perform best. Full story»

Fiorina behind Cruz
CORN-ON-COB, Indiana -- The campaign of Ted Cruz is finally ready for electroshock, as headlines were not captured by the deal with John Kasich to throw key states, nor announcing it to the very voters they were writing off, nor reneging on it before it reached one day of age.

Consequently, Cruz is moving forward with a series of desperation moves, starting with the announcement of Carly Fiorina as his pick for Vice President. Full story»

WINDSOR CASTLE -- USA President Barack Obama bowed deeply to Britain's first Muslim ruler, Queen Elizabeth II, who delighted the large Muslim community by 'coming out' for Islam. The move will involve the circumcision of Prince Charles and Prince William. But Prince George will get a Prince Albert.

The Queen's surprise decision was put down to a genuine 'change of faith' and not a sign she had lost the family marbles. Full story»

Breivik selfie
OSLO, Norway -- Anders Breivik has won his appeal to the Supreme Court of Norway that Norway violated his human rights.

The Chief Justice intoned that, "As we cannot protect any human rights of the 77 corpses that Mr. Breivik left lying around, our law compels us to attend most scrupulously to his own human rights." Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights May 2

The Real Scottish Referendum Documentary
BBC 1 7:00 PM GMT
The BBC reveals that only 1% of the population support Alex Salmon in the Scottish referendum. (Despite the fact that the BBC is a public service the government has in no way biased the making of this documentary).

Panorama Investigates:Does Scotland actually Influence Great Britain? Documentary
Channel 4 8:00 PM GMT
A Channel 4 reporter goes undercover disguised in a kilt to interview Scottish people and force them to tell C4 that they are unemployed.

Argentine Invasion of Scotland Plans Revealed Documentary
Channel 5 5:30 PM GMT
Channel 5 gets a new insite into the real Argentine motives as it covers an unemployed ex-Admiral of the Fleet who wants a war so that he can have an excuse to get his job back as he campaigns to prove that Argentina is still a threat to the nation.

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