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Straight talk, from straight faces

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Saturday, February 24, 2018, 16:12:59 (UTC)

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IntergalacticBong
HOUSTON, USA -- NASA have confirmed that the giant object seen close to Planet Earth is in fact a huge interstellar bong that has come from somewhere outside the Solar System. Though officially classified as interstellar 'asteroid' Wagamama', scientists say the object is in fact proof that out in space someone has a giant drug habit.

Astronomers have been tracking the cylindrical object for the past few months as it has entered the Solar System. The 'asteroid' measures 400 kilometres long but only four wide. This has been put down to someone as inexperienced at the art of 'rolling it'. What is inside the asteroid/joint is not unknown but scientists have been urging their governments to sent a mission to intercept it and take a few 'sample scrapings'.

"Going to 'Oumuamua' beats any of those planned missions to the Moon or Mars," said experienced astronaut veteran Buzz Aldrin. "I hope we Americans can reach that bong before anyone else and reap in the profits." Full story»

Buzz and Charlie
Sunnydale, California -- Tragically, just hours after his death at age 83, beloved and highly respected polymath and philanthropist Charles Manson has been cleared of the Tate-LaBianca murders that sent him to prison for life. This was proven by YouTuber StreeTCap1, who also recently proved that the 1972 Apollo 17 mission to the moon was faked. There, he revealed an image of a stagehand reflected in an astronaut’s visor that also shows a Sephora store in the background. On very close study, it also shows the shadow of a dead man hanging in the background.

Later, after going through pictures from the fake Apollo 11 "moon landing" supposedly made in 1969, StreeTCap1 found an image that accidentally showed Charles Manson in it. This was also from the fake moon soundstage in the secret studio complex set up in Area 51, now a part of the Universal Studios tour. Full story»

Ruby-bottle
SOHO, England — An ancient wine bottle dating back to the Cambrian Period, 450 million years ago, currently appraised at €150,000,000 and said to contain the world’s most expensive wine, has been recovered empty in a dumpster near Soho, London. While the stolen bottle is intact the valuable contents had, presumably, been chugged by drunks.

The one-of-a-kind bottle of wine - or what’s not left of it - made from 6 kg of gold studded with 180 near priceless large rubies and a huge emerald was reported stolen from the Tower of London Tuesday night.

The jeweled bottle, famous for its appearance in the blockbuster flop “3 men and a bottle”, was recovered intact Friday, according to unnamed sources . The bottle is now in the possession of the police after a hobo found it in an alley dump site in Soho, the famous upscale part of London.

British police thanked the moronic wino who located and returned it, only to be arrested, and they said the theft case was now closed, adding it had no further comment at this time on the whereabouts of the priceless well-matured contents. Full story»


Wallpaper1
WASHINGTON, USA -- USA Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and his wife Louise 'Entitled moi?' Linton proudly hold up a sheet of the new wallpaper design. Made with using real US dollars, the wallpaper will soon be seen lining the rooms of many government offices.

"Lining our walls with real dollar bills shows how much we believe in making America Great Again," said Mnuchin." Unlike so much in America - thanks to Barack Obama and his fellow secret Democrats like George W. Bush, you can make dollar bills in this country. No one can print our money!."

Mnuchin added that his wife Louise would do all the necessary 'arrangements' for the decoration project and hopes that the job will soon be done. She added.

"This dollar wallpaper will be flawless and I trust many Americans will be feel proud to see their money lining our walls. We hope to see in future other Dollar bill products like kitchen tiles and loungers. I think being so close to real money makes you wish you had more." Full story»

Macbeth10
INVERNESS, SCOTLAND -- During an interview with UnNews published Tuesday, an apparition claiming to be the ghost of late Thane of Lobacher Banquo said he "always liked" King Macbeth and that his alleged murder had taken him completely by surprise.

"When I went to Glanis I would always meet with him and we'd play golf. But you know, who were those witches?" he asked, referring to a trio of black magic practitioners alleged to have spoken privately with the two politicians.

"They must have dragged the Macbeths to the dark side a few days before my death."

Banquo said he used to talk to the two "all the time."

"And suddenly they're trying to kill me," he said. "Like what the hell? It just came out of nowhere."

"I tried to have a conversation with His Majesty at a recent banquet. I appeared before him and tried to tell him, 'Listen, you're nuts.' And he just flipped out." Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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