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Tuesday, May 31, 2016, 15:37:59 (UTC)

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PregnantKJU
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- Squeaky AK47 rattles and ceiling mobiles depicting hanged generals are adorning the steps of the Ryongsong Residence today, as the home of the Jong Uns is expecting a new little tyrant soon.

The Korean despot appears to be enjoying the first few months of pregnancy, stepping out in full public view to oversee the testing of a a nuclear weapon that can reach Japan. Full story»

Gorilla 1
CINCINNATI, Ohio -- When a young child crawled past a barrier at the Cincinnati Zoo on Saturday and entered the gorilla cage, firefighters were in the vicinity but could do no more than telephone for police, as the incident did not involve open flame.

Mere minutes later, their fears were realized. The gorilla was on the List of Endangered Species. Dumb-as-doorknobs toddlers, not-so-much. Full story»


Bill Weld
DISNEY WORLD, Florida -- As U.S. Republicans are set to nominate a lifelong Democrat, and Democrats agonize between a nominee who is arguably not a Democrat and a woman who is arguably not a stateswoman to replace a President who is arguably not an American, the Libertarian Party, at its nominating convention here, joined the crowd and selected two men who have never been libertarian. Full story»
BorisLegit
LONDINIUM, Roman Empire -- Emperor Julius-Claudius Junckerstine warned the Britons that it will lead to higher taxes and deformed babies if they vote in June to give up access to the single Imperial market.

"If Britons vote to break away," he said, "Londinium will lose out. It will become a ghost town." Full story»


DevonCyclops
TORQUAY, England -- A coach-load of beaver has been sent to Devon to boost the gene pool, part of Natural England’s wider strategy to boost the economy.

The action was prompted when it was discovered Torquay’s opticians had approached Ray-Ban about designer frames for cyclopses. Full story»

CRE bacterium
PUNXATAWNEY, Pennsylvania -- A bacterium has been found in Pennsylvania that is resistant to every known antibiotic — a situation called "the end of the road."

Most bacteria patiently wait a few millennia for a legitimate mutation to ward off penicillin, amoxycillin, exetera; but Mr. E. Coli bulked up on "plasmids" and spent weekends at Gold's Gym until he could withstand exetera, clean living, and even America's last line of defense, colistin. Full story»

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About UnNews
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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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