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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Thursday, April 24, 2014, 14:21 (UTC)
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House warned Russia on Friday that Moscow would face tougher sanctions if it failed to abide by a new international deal on Virginia or moved to send Russian forces into Washington, D.C.

National security adviser Susan Rice said Washington was watching whether Russia got the uniformed and well-equipped pro-Russian separatists in Maryland to disarm and abandon public buildings they had seized. White House sources say the administration has set a solid red line on action, should Russian tanks move past Independence Avenue. Full story»

ABERDEEN, UK -- Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond shot down a British Army helicopter over the city of Aberdeen.

In a press availability, with his blue face paint shimmering in the heat of the moment, Mr. Salmond blamed Westminster for sending it. David Cameron said that a planned election this Wednesday on uniting Aberdeen with neighbouring Dundee to create a new "Scottish Kingdom" is illegal. But Nigel Farage said he admires Mr. Salmond for "standing up to the West." Full story»

MOSCOW, Russia -- Vladimir Putin announced that British UKIP party leader Nigel Farage will stand in as temporary Prime Minister of Russia. Farage, who has taken UKIP to centre stage by shoving hot custard pies down the trousers of British Prime Minister David Cameron, said he was 'delighted' with the offer, which will involve opening fetes, kissing babies and sucking the toes of Russia's oligarchs.

French National Front leader Marine Le Pen was said to be 'keen as Dijon mustard' to have to have her turn as Putin's girl. Full story»

Marathon Intruder
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- The Boston Marathon was won by an actual American, rather than a starving African, for the first time in 31 years.

On Twitter, President Barack Obama congratulated Meb Keflezighi and the top female American finisher "for making America proud" rather than leaving it to other Americans to make America proud by being the top American finishers. He hardly had a twinkle in his eye when mentioning the Kenyan winner of the women's race. Full story»

Ribbon-cutting in Parral
SNAKE'S HIPS, Nevada -- Troops resembling the Russian Army, presumably not satisfied with the capture of the Crimea last month, seem ready to bite a huge chunk off the tip of this pizza-shaped Western U.S. state. Defending the territory 80 miles northeast of Las Vegas is a rag-tag citizen militia, fresh from a home showing of Red Dawn and ready to take on the Roosky invaders.

Rancher Cliven Bundy, who became famous as the hard-luck women's shoe salesman in Married with Children, told Glenn Beck it is bigger than a financial dispute. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2012

TV Highlights April 24

Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
If you read this, you cannot watch the show. If you watch the show, you cannot have read this.

Product Testing Lab Documentary
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Minute examination of how products are tested. This week: Preparation-H.

Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
CBS Action. 5:00 PM GMT
This week Captain Kirk meets Walker Texas Ranger in NCIS for the showdown of a lifetime.

Viewers in the United States can receive these broadcasts by notifying their local cable provider that they would like the Highbrow Package, which includes all these channels plus several in Hindi and complete coverage of Smackdown Wrestling.

Viewers in the UK might try contacting their local BT network for an upgrade from only receiving two channels to receiving three and all in colour.

Viewers in Australia or New Zealand might want to turn their TVs upside down (right way up) so that they can receive the signal.

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