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Where man always bites dog

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Sunday, September 25, 2016, 10:37:59 (UTC)

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Jupiter from Europa
CAPE CARNIVAL, Florida -- NASA is set to announce signs of intelligent life in Europe, with a television special on "surprising evidence of a subsurface ocean" in Europe.

The American space agency has sent jillions of dollars sending a space probe to Europe to find the answers to life's most vexing questions, such as whether Saddam Hussein really had Weapons of Mass Destruction. Full story»

SwedishChef
UnNews Logo Potato1NEW YORK BOMBING
NEW YORK -- The FBI released the picture of a cook wanted for questioning in Saturday's bombing here.

An unexploded pressure cooker was found simmering a few blocks away later that night. Officials described both as deliberate acts utilizing culinary equipment, but stopped short of garnishing their statement with a theory on motive until more evidence is sampled — preferably with a spoon, a bowl and a warm crusty bread roll. Full story»


Tiangong-2
PRESTON, England -- Another young entrepreneur has joined the commercial spaceflight sector. Mrs Wong, the CEO of The Garden Dragon Takeaway in Plunginton Road here, aims to provide chips and curry sauce to fare-paying dot-com millionaires and overachieving scientists.

The “Customer Module” of The Garden Dragon Takeaway was launched the Gobi Desert Thursday night. A 12” Phillips portable cathode ray television from 1986 will broadcast repeats of Takeshi’s Castle for customers. Full story»

SpaceX explosion
CAPE CARNAGE, Florida -- The owner of the payload burnt to a crisp when a SpaceX rocket exploded last week has demanded compensation.

As the company was fueling its rocket as part of a routine test firing, the attendant ignored company policy to put out his cigarette while operating the nozzle. Although the result (pictured) was as impressive as a rocket launch, it was not a rocket launch, and the payload, the Ersatz space probe, was a total loss. Full story»


Hillary defiant
UnNews Logo Potato1MAJOR PARTIES
NEW YORK -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Hillary's apparent stumble and collapse after heat exhaustion on a mild afternoon was a one-off event. The campaign explained that she was a victim of dehydration, as she doggedly refuses to take a sip of Perrier until all the nation's crises are completely solved.

Also, it was a rare form of bacterial pneumonia that is not contagious, meaning that neither Hillary's granddaughter nor an 11-year-old schoolgirl who gave a scripted hug to one of Ms. Clinton's cankles, are at risk. Full story»

What is Aleppo?
UnNews Logo Potato1MINOR PARTIES
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Hopes of United States voters to have some alternative to Trump and Clinton were dashed last week by dual own-goals.

Libertarian Gary Johnson made a disastrous choice to go on MSNBC, where he was asked the trick question, "Sooo...What about Aleppo?" Meanwhile, the Greens' Jill Stein spray-painted a bulldozer and faces arrest if she returns to North Dakota — only, who would? Full story»


Hermine
ORLANDO, Florida -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Despite causing destruction and leaving hundreds of thousands without power, Hurricane Hermine rated higher than both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton in the latest NBC News poll.

UnNews visited several hurricane-devastated communities in an attempt to shove a microphone in the faces of victims who have lost everything and ask them how they feel. Full story»

NoAppleEireFlag
DUBLIN, Ireland -- The EU has demanded that Ireland increase the tax bill to Apple Inc. by €13bn, claiming that Apple's Irish "European Headquarters" is a sham to avoid taxes.

The smallish suite houses twenty beige filing cabinets and an answering machine with which to field requests from the EU for proof of taxes paid. Unfortunately for Apple, there have been few of these, as it famously pays a tax rate of 0.005% of its European revenue. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 25


Horizon: Investigation into whether Microbiology exists elsewhere in the Universe Science Documentary
BBC 3 7:00 PM GMT
Brian Cox gets an insight into the search of microbiology on other planets.

Who wants to be Abducted by an Alien Quiz Show
ITV1 5:00 PM GMT
A quiz show in which celebrities compete to be kidnapped by ET! (Warning: This programme is for entertainment purposes only and does not support the fact that alien life exists).

Aliens: A daily struggle to survive! Science Documentary
Channel 5 8:00 PM GMT
We meet Alan and Dave, random people off the street who claim they are aliens, to obtain true, scientifically proven facts about alien serial killers living in the Midlands with dramatic narration and the theme from Dracula playing on repeat in the background.

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