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Saturday, January 31, 2015, 13:10 (UTC)
156px-Mitt Romney
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- 2012 Presidential candidate Mitt Romney will not run again in 2016. Though he is getting antsy puttering around the mansions, he conceded that there were several "good" candidates competing for the massive we-want-a-nice-guy-who-finishes-last vote.

Even more candidates would be available if the nation accepted a Peruvian-style case that the 22nd Amendment, on Presidential term limitation, does not apply to the President. Full story»

Greek Election
ATHENS, Greece -- Leftist leader Alexis Tsipras promised, after his Syriza party swept to victory, that Greece’s Archaic Period of antiquity "humiliation and suffering" imposed by oligarchs is over and a "Golden Dawn" had begun.

"By Zeus, today is one for the scrolls!” Tspiras proclaimed from the front of the Parthenon. Full story»

LONDON, England -- As oil prices sink and North Sea crude oil production is hitting the rocks, PM David Cameron announced plans to export crude North Sea water to the Middle East.

“I hear many tourists are complaining that the sea there is too hot and bum for surfing,” said the PM. “Our waves are two metres in the summer and up to twelve in the winter; the average temperature is 11° Celsius.” Full story»

FLAT 1, Mount Olympia -- Juno, the emotionally fragile Goddess of marriages, is allegedly throwing cutlery and slamming doors, after hearing her name given to Superstorm Juno striking the eastern United States.

Just as the fallout is settling from Pastor Isidorio’s announcement that the Gay Pride Parade in São Paulo caused droughts, incestuous activity is being blamed for the record American snowfalls. Full story»

Onyango Obama
FALL RIVER, Massachusetts -- The start of the Aaron Hernandez trial has been delayed by problems with jurors. One juror in a Patriots jersey and cheerleading, while another wore a "Don't Snitch" hoodie and decided that cooperating with a judge would be just as wrong as cooperating with police.

If there is a reason not to take four months out of their lives, it may be the Jury Questionnaire, which asks embarrassing questions about drug use and tattoos. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights January 31

Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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