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Saturday, February 13, 2016, 01:13:59 (UTC)

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Janet Yellen
UnNews Logo Potato1V.D. DAY 2016
CHIHUAHUA, Mexico -- The value of love has fallen by two-thirds, from $115 a month in the summer of 2014, to just under $28 in mid-January.

Irish websites that permit betting on U.S. elections predict that the election of any of the leading candidates will reduce the amount of amorous feeling in the country by an order of magnitude. The value of cuddly teddy bears reached $0.00 in one city, thanks to one sticky-fingered market maker, as investigators study this failure of free enterprise. Full story»

Hillary Clinton sunglasses
NEW HAMPSHIRE -- Hillary Clinton reorganized her campaign after a 60-39 loss to Bernie Sanders here. He scored big with college students amassing six-figure debt to major in Grievance Studies by promising them they could do so without amassing debt at all.

The Clinton campaign stressed the importance of everywhere else, and called the defeat "long-anticipated." But the spokesman's corpse was found beneath a tree in a public park. Clinton said she would consent to a police search, if everyone else consented first. Full story»

Bernie Sanders MVP
UnNews Logo Potato1SUPER BOWL 50
SANTA CLARA, California -- The Denver Broncos defeated the Carolina Panthers 24 to 10 in Super Bowl 50. Peyton Manning is planning to retire. Cam Newton is a popular player. But Vermont senator and 2016 Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was voted most valuable player.

At midfield, Sanders went into a tirade. "Only the top two teams get to play the Super Bowl! The other 93.75 percent? They get shut out! It's time to start a football revolution!" Full story»

LONDON, United Kingdom -- British PM David Cameron declared, in a speech on the wireless last night, that he achieved 'all his aims' after a recent trip to Brussels.

He said he had 'averted a long war' that would have caused huge suffering within the Conservative Party. Full story»

LONDON, England -- The United Grand Lodge of England will permit eagles of the Metropolitan Police to become Freemasons. The decision aligns the birds of prey with their human and canine counterparts.

Met Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe had employed 600 of the predators to deal with inner-city petty crime, as police in the Netherlands use eagles in Amsterdam against criminals who are especially high. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights February 13

Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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