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Tuesday, March 31, 2015, 17:28 (UTC)
Coney-Island-Cyclone-Coaster
UnNews Logo Potato1PANIC in the SKIES
NEW YORK, New York -- Coney Island visitors riding the Cyclone roller coaster caused a thrilling stall on a downhill section of track.

Spokeswoman Luna Park stated that it was an "isolated mechanical issue". Although past events usually are good predictors of future events, Ms. Park's assertion seems to mean that this event will predict a lot of the exact opposite. Full story»


Tsipras
MONTABAUR, Germany -- Investigators have found, in the apartment of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, a torn-up notice from his doctor excusing him from work on the fateful day.

The note stresses the negative health effects of flying a jetliner into the ground. An investigator stressed that pilots who intend to crash airplanes should always notify Personnel of their plan, preferably beforehand, to get "buy-in" from other stakeholders. Full story»

StrictlyCameron
MANCHESTER, UK -- Conservative leader David Cameron plans to introduce a seven-day week to the National Health Service, as the NHS's current Pagan Druid calendar has long been out of use across the rest of the country.

Conservatives also aim to replace all medicine with paracetamol, force ambulance staff to use buses instead of petrol-guzzling ambulances, and cut 100% of the pay to NHS staff, freeing up enough money to bribe the courts in Prince Andrew's sex trial. Full story»


Ketchup1
BUFFETT'S WARREN, Pennsylvania -- Corner shops, chocoholics and greasy spoons throughout the world are in a Twirl over Wispas of the imminent merger between Kraft and H.J. Heinz.

The Fresh Take on the Fusion of the two corporate food Heroes occurred when venture capitalists concluded that Americans would jump at the chance to add ketchup to their cheese dogs without an intervening step. Full story»

Bottled water
HONG KONG, China -- The Chairman of Nestlé has declared that “Water is a human right,” at the Credit Suisse Asian Investment Conference here, as his associates raised toasts with Perrier.

The new human right would seem to extend to cases where the natural endowment needs to be trucked in, desalinated, or have someone pluck out the cow feces. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights March 31


Panorama Investigates: Child Abduction Documentary
Channel 4 7:30 PM
One of the reporters goes undercover disguised as a guy being followed around by a camera man, sound man and director as he walks he speaks in a quiet voice into the microphone, to check out how a large, multinational company is supporting child abduction in an African country.

Countryfile Conservative style Entertainment
BBC 2 6:30 PM GMT
This week Matt and Sue are walking through the fields of some county up North no one has ever heard of in search of Gordon Brown's hiding place while John will be working out why the population in that area is rapidly decreasing due to a lack of jobs.

Doctor Who: The Return of the Plot from last week Sci-Fi
BBC 1 7:45 PM
Doctor Who goes in searc of some Time Lord money so that he can afford to pay for new writers to write different scripts for each episode. He goes hyperactive and can only display one emotion: insanity. His new assistant who is just there for her looks mentions "I wish David Tennant still played the Doctor" numerous times when confronted in not-very-scary situations.

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