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Today's Featured Article - Horatio Nelson

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Horatio 'Cyclops' Nelson (1758-1805) was Great Britain's greatest naval hero. He beat the French, Spanish and Danish fleets and still had enough energy to grapple with Emma Hamilton on his days off. He was the only man who Emperor Napoleon said was a bigger bastard than he (by about two inches). He died discussing stubborn shirt stains at the Battle of Trafalgar.

Horatio Nelson was born with a full compliment of arms, legs and eyes in Norfolk, England in 1758 to the Reverend Edmund Nelson and wife Catherine. His father - taking the Christian maxim about going forth and multiplying - kept his wife in almost constant labour as he wanted to breed a 'Cricket eleven'. Horatio came in to 'bat' as number six which usually means he was a bit of an 'all rounder'. In British naval terms this also suggested sexual ambiguity but Nelson was definitely keener on frocks and kept a chest of contemporary fashions in his cabin when he became an officer.

The future war hero got the sea bug early and skipped off school to join a local fishing fleet in Lowestoft. There Nelson learnt all the available ropes like how to stay drunk standing up and partaking of rollicking sea adventures involving killing a sexy polar bear and not paying for beer in the French seaport of Calais. It was here where Nelson first learned to hate the French when one of their Ladies of Leisure laughed at the size of his 'mainmast. Nelson later on mentioned in his diaries that this experience was 'worse that taking a musket ball in the arm' and later led him to try out the vacuum pump to increase the size and circumference of his personal block and tackle. It is believed that this is where the term 'The Nelson Method Touch' was first coined and would copied by all future British seamen. (more...)

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Sauron is Lord of the Dance.

edit Welcome to Uncyclopedia, the free encyclopedia of politically incorrect non-information.

Uncyclopedia is an encyclopedia full of misinformation and utter lies. It's sort of like Congress or Parliament. Unlike Congress or Parliament, however, we do have a sense of humor. Nonetheless, this one of the only factual pages, before everything turns into a puddle of utter confusion and disarray. Savor it. And for the love of Sophia, we know you like disarray, but stop adding confusion to this page to spite the disclaimer.

Uncyclopedia is a Wiki, and it allows you to contribute articles of your own. Before writing for Uncyclopedia, please read the How To page to learn how to properly format text in an article. Please also read the funny guidelines. If you are interested in flaming and trolling here at Uncyclopedia, please read the rules of battle first. Flamewars are encouraged as long as they follow the rules.

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