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== Is my cat planning to kill me? ==
A group of concerned old people came to me a few days ago asked me if their house cat was planning to kill them. I promised to use the scientific method to determine the correct answer to their question. It took me about a week to get to the bottom of the truth. For one whole week, the concerned old people stayed in at a hotel and left their cat locked in their house just in case it tried to follow them. I told them this was a very wise decision. It is good to deal with a potential evolutionary threat in a predator-avoidance fashion, because this is how early human ancestors stayed alive and survived the constant threat of predators such as the saber tooth tiger, lion, mammoths, wolves, and so on.
Cats drink water even though they are afraid of it. This is a scientific fact and it doesn't make sense. An animal avoids that which evokes fear. Avoidance of fear-producing stimuli increases an animal's chance of survival. It is surprising to find that cats survive after drinking water. One would think that not drinking anything ever would increase a cat's chance of survival. As I sat in my favorite tree, eating mulberry leaves, I came up with a possible explanation. Perhaps cats are genetically modified. They are said to be part of the cat family but are unlike any of the other wilderness cats, such as lions and cheetahs. The lack of accuracy in modern science is astonishing in a bad way.
The fact that cats drink water even though water is dangerous to them proves one thing - that cats are adrenalin junkies. When a cat drinks water, the cat's back is arched backward, indicating fear in the cat. This kind of behavior is present in all house cats and it suggests that cats are adrenalin junkies. High-risk behavior is often caused by cerebral underarousal, also known as boredom. It is a reasonable assumption that cats are chronically bored and drink water to get an adrenalin rush. This, however, presents a problem.
Adrenalin is a hormone that is used to prime an animal for fleeing from or fighting a threat. Sometimes cats tip their water dishes over but most of the times cats flee from the water afterward and run around the house with adrenalin flooding their veins. People usually lock their cats inside to make sure the cat doesn't bring back dead birds or insects. This does not bode well for people who live with cats. This sort of situation is a death trap for all cat owners. First of all, the water makes cats violent and secondly the locking of a cat inside a house suppresses a cat's natural instinct to hunt birds and insects.
I reported these findings to the old people yesterday while they were in sitting in a group, forming a circle, having a knitting competition. In the middle of the circle was a mountain of knitted jerseys that almost reached the ceiling. One of the old ladies there confirmed my findings. She said that sometimes when she tried to pick her cat up, the cat would hiss at her and sometimes try to scratch her. I asked her if her cat drank water daily. Yet again she confirmed my findings. Their cat was indeed trying to kill them.
At this time it was decided over a game of Bingo that the cat at the concerned old people's house had run out of water to drink 3 days previously. The cat would have worked out all its aggression and become docile again. The old people left and returned home, finding their cat dead. This was an unexpected finding. It is clear that the cat had killed itself in the absence of having anything else to kill. This is strange because the water was finished, so the cat shouldn't have needed to kill anything. The formerly-concerned old people and I went out to celebrate their survival; I had saved them from their cat in the nick of time. If I had not intervened, their cat would have snapped and killed them all.
One thing is clear from this fortunate chain of events. If you want to live peacefully with your cat, you should never ever give your cat anything to drink. This course of action is strongly advised because it lengthens a cat's lifespan and suppresses any aggression in the cat. If you don't believe me, try this method and you'll soon find out that your cat will never attack you again. In fact, this method can be used to keep the windows open when your cats is inside. The cat will never go outside to kill again.

Revision as of 21:06, October 3, 2012


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