Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/selling drugs
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Mooninite4ever 04:45, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
Fear not, for Chief is here to help you improve this article before ICU turns it's life support unit off. --ChiefjusticeDS 06:45, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||1||Right, I think you could figure out for yourself that in this case the score is immaterial since you have an ICU tag on the page already. So ignore that, I'm going to focus on helping you to improve the article, so it can be kept in main space. As far as your humour goes, you have some jokes, but they either aren't very good or they are to be found in a list. First and foremost get rid of the lists. You can go a long way by simply putting them into prose and supplying a brief description or point of clarification about each. For example instead of simply listing "If the cops aren't buying from you, it's a bad thing. They might be looking to uhrest you. That's a bad thing" say something like "If you suspect that the police are planning to arrest you then you should pretend to be insane and start running into walls, but in a slightly more convincing way than usual." While that isn't a zenith of comedy it is better just because it isn't a list. Also, you would have a great deal more scope for comedy if you make this article into a How To. Try to use a similar style as found in this article. This article is about tutoring someone for a task, so why not use a similar style. You could garner a great deal more amusement by being patronising about this rather than simply being stupid. Also, you link to a brilliant example of how this sort of article should be done in your article, all this does at the moment is make your article look horrendous and makes me wonder why you didn't take some pointers from there .
If you are stuck for ways to make your reader laugh then you should study HTBFANJS carefully, it is very useful when you need to make jokes but are unsure what to make jokes about. You also need to get rid of the "Your Mom" jokes, since nothing says "I ran out of ideas" more clearly than a repeating one of those. Ultimately serious changes are needed here, it may be more advantageous for you to allow the article to be deleted and then start from scratch.
|Concept:||2||Your concept is not great and even then your tone is off by a long way. I really think that you need to reconsider it. If you choose not to put it into the How To then you at least need to take a look at this. It won't really work from the encyclopedic perspective in my opinion, so you would have to narrate it from the first person, this is a difficult perspective to write well from and some of our more experienced editors still struggle with it. If you are in need of help with improving the article then don't be afraid of asking for help, honestly we don't bite.... well OK, mostly we don't bite. Anyway, reconsider carefully, if this article means anything to you then you have to get this right.|
|Prose and formatting:||2||I guess this could be worse, but you my friend, need to invest in a spellchecker which will hopefully tell you that drugery is not a word and that illeagle is in fact spelled illegal. Your grammar is slightly better though you should be careful when/if you rewrite to check what you are doing. If you can't check, or you don't feel confident doing it then enlist the aid of the folks at UN:PS who will be more than happy to do it for you. As I stated above, you need to turn the long boring lists into bountiful prose and when you do then you should ensure that it is broken up well, though that is an issue for another PEE review. Image to text ratio balance is all that doesn't need further work here.|
|Images:||3||You have two images right now, but the second one can go because it is playing off a joke that I sincerely hope is either written better or removed in a rewrite. The first one is fine but you need more than this one. Be creative in deciding on new pictures and think carefully about what will work with your article.|
|Miscellaneous:||2||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||10||This article is in a pretty sorry state right now and it is understandable why it has been put into ICU. But you can, with hard work and effort turn it round and save it. Pay close attention to what I have said and make sure you ask someone what they think of any changes. If you are serious about turning this around you can ask me for help or guidance here or you can seek help from other users here. If you have not got the motivation or the inclination to make any changes then deleting is probably the best decision as currently this is cluttering up main space. Good luck with any edits.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 07:37, 27 July 2009 (UTC)|