Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/releasimification (3rd review)

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edit releasimification

Just wondering what you guys (hyperbole) thought now. This article is fairly new, and I was wondering that if w/time this article would be funny?--Bobofosho2 20:15, 7 June 2008 (UTC)

Nopee PrIP'd!
Pee Review In Progress
Checkit bitches, this review is as good as peed on. I'm marking my effing territory. Said article is being reviewed by:
~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUNWotMRotMAotMVFHSKPEEINGHPBFF 

If you wanted a fresh opinion on this (although Hyperbole is a fine reviewer) I'd be more than happy to do this. ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUNWotMRotMAotMVFHSKPEEINGHPBFF @ 15:37 Jun 8

go ahead and do the review, thanks-Bobofosho2 16:20, 8 June 2008 (UTC)
Humour: 1.8 Most of your jokes in this article tend to derive their humor value from silly black stereotypical slang, and nothing really witty or funny. I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with using black slang as a humor tool, but it needs to be supported by actual content when it is employed. I'm finding the occasional chuckle, but overall there aren't too many jokes here. Allow me to employ Cajek's template.
  • Opening quotes/paragraph -3- The first and the third quote have absolutely no humor value. They essentially restate your concept and contain no jokes. That Holmes quote doesn't even make sense...it needs to be revised so that it makes grammatical sense and isn't just a pair of fragments. Hint: there's an unnecessary period in between the two. The second one was mildly amusing, but it merits a smile at best. It's still ridiculously silly and implausible. As for the paragraph, it contains a dry, poorly written narrative that makes little sense and is riddled with borderline random content. Perhaps the best thing going for this paragraph would be the term "Afro Americans." That certainly got a chuckle out of me. But that's because it was clever. This shows me that you could be so much wittier and funnier with your writing.
  • The Origins of Releasimification -1- To be blunt, this is a terrible section. However, I personally find it hard to write a clever "history" section without descending into dull narrative and boring storytelling. That's basically what this is. I can't really identify anything humorous about this section, sorry. Consider revising it; I'd usually give advice here as to how to improve it, but I'm going to address the article as a whole in the Context section of this review, so just hang in there as I finish up this section.
  • How to Releasimify Yo' Slutty Dancer/Actress -2- Once again, we're resorting to a formula of "first...then...and then..." as a very straightforward narrative. It's not interesting writing. Once again, no jokes here. It's just more silliness, more mocking stereotypes, more boring writing.
  • The Legality of Releasimification in the U.S.A./The Great Releasimifiers Strike of 1995 -1- I'll address these two sections at once because I have no idea what the fuck is going on past this point. I tried to read it, but I honestly can't follow what's going on and I'm not sure if it makes any sense. I'm not trying to be hard on you or anything, I just can't really figure those sections out. It seems very rushed, almost like you were stuck for an ending and wanted to come up with something quick. I can't give you points for those sections.
Concept: 2 The concept of this article confuses me. Obviously, "Releasimification" is completely made up. But you're not making fun of/satirizing any real life thing. At first glance, it looks like random black stereotypes. But after reading it a few times, it's starting to look like just random humor with some black stereotypes over it. Hey, it is what it is. I'd love to tell you to just scrap the idea and rewrite it, since there doesn't seem to be much of an idea. But I feel like we could still work with this.

Namely, what your article is missing is a solid concept. It lacks coherence because it lacks a central idea, a main joke, an overall angle that all jokes can draw from and be traced back to. I'm not saying to write one liner articles. Instead, come up with a central idea and run with it. You already seem to have an idea of what "Releasimification" is, just make sure you keep it consistent. I was utterly confused by this article. It needs structure, it needs a main idea.

Prose and formatting: 2 Oi, a little disappointing here. I know you were trying to mock the black stereotype here by trying to use "jive" in this article, but it's spotty and inconsistent. At first, you only use it in quotes. But then you start doing it in just your narration. You go back and forth between tones so many times that it's confusing. You need to have a consistent voice.

My other major beef in this section would be that your grammar is ghastly. You need to give this a good proofreading before deciding it's done. It also needs formatting. Try adding some links; right now this is pretty much a dead-end page.

Images: 3 I didn't much understand or care for your images. Well, I understood the first one. The second one had to do with the strike, which I still don't understand, and so the image was lost on me. Both images were poorly done. Sometimes, having poorly made images can add to the humor value. This is not the case. You cannot use MS Paint to put out decent looking images for your articles. If you don't have Photoshop, feel free to ask an experienced user to make you an image over at UN:PIC.
Miscellaneous: 2.2 Avg'd.
Final Score: 11 I have a little to-do list for this article, in case you tl;dr'd the above review.
  1. Find a central theme for this article. Develop this idea and make it a single, funny joke that you can base the rest of your jokes on.
  2. Make the humor consistent. Don't just think that adding words like "bitches" and "hos" is going to be humorous all by themselves. You need real jokes that support your concept.
  3. Make the writing consistent. Clean up your tone, keep one consistent voice with your writing.
  4. Get new images. If you don't have the means to make your own images, head on down to UN:PIC.

I hope this review is helpful. Good luck with this!

Cheers,

Reviewer: ~Minitrue Sir SysRq! Talk! Sex! =/ GUNWotMRotMAotMVFHSKPEEINGHPBFF @ 00:20 Jun 9
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